Why would a woman be jealous of the attention her girlfriends receive from their significant others?
There is an answer, but the issue has formed a pattern in my life that I fear is getting out of control!
I would appreciate anyone who could take the time to help me out by reading more...:)
posted by dentro to Human Relations (18 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
First a little about how this all began...
I am a single woman in her early twenties, currently studying and living on my own.
A few years ago, while I was still living with my family, I met my best friend's boyfriend for the first time. I had just gotten back from travelling so I was not there to see their blossoming "love" from the beginning.
My best friend and I are two people who have the potential to be at the same level, but because of my catastrophically low self esteem, and because we each grew up so different, it could never be so.
Up to this point in our friendship, I've always felt like I was batman's confidant.
Getting to the point...
When I met her boyfriend, I thought he was great.
Sweet, smart, successful (for his age). It was pathetic.
I began to think how unfortunate it was that I hadn't met him before she did! He appeared to be perfect in every way.
One thing that wasn't perfect of course was their relationship. This was his first serious one, and my friend was mentally abusing the crap out of him. She had just been in and out of getting her heart broken by someone else, and this new perfect boyfriend of hers was a new toy.
They fought day in, day out. THE FIRST FEW MONTHS of that relationship.
Their constant bickering could only remind me of why I chose to be single in the first place. It brought back unpleasant memories of old boyfriends and our old quarrels, it made me feel awful. I didn't want her to experience this pain that I had, and I knew she didn't feel that deeply for him.
THAT was another thing that got me super angry. Why are you with such a great guy when you can't even love him? How is he for you when you are just confusing your attachment to him with love?
(I know that I may sound evil and over dramatic. I don't feel good about it!)
I still remember how she was telling me about a fight they had and it was one of the first times she threatened to break up with him. She told me how it made him break down and cry and beg for her not to leave him. She felt bad for making him cry, but I could see that as much as she cared for him- she did not LOVE him.
After telling me about this, I recommended that she break up with him, to save each of them any future pain. He loves her, she doesn't love him- How is that fair?
They stayed together of course.
After a while I realized he had began to act weird around me, and after a group confrontation I found out that she told him what I said and they both suspected that I had a crush on him and was trying to break them up.
Truth is, I did kind of like him, as you can read! But I ALSO really cared for my friend and didn't want to see her tear things apart with someone she didn't love, even though she thought it was all fine and worth it because he was so "perfect."
I wasn't trying to break them up in any other way aside from giving that piece of advice, as much I had a little crush on him- she's my friend. I kept things kosher, yo.
Still, things were never the same for us.
I could never hang out with them again without it being awkward. Because her and I were so close, he had to deal with me and I with him on almost a daily basis.
I tried to confront him and apologize but he didn't want to hear it.
A lot of unfriendly words were exchanged, etc.
Anger and jealousy and trust issues between my friend and I went down because I had not made a very convincing case against not liking him and all. :-/
I should have spent less time with them, but because I felt guilty I tried to sustain our friendship as much as I could through being around her all the time (and he was always there).
I should have thought of myself first, and just kept my distance.
And yes, I noticed that I wanted to squirm every time they would show any public displays of affection. And it did pull at my heart strings a little.
This had been going on for the past few years, I suspect that after it happened I began to feel funny around couples. As though I subconsciously like the boyfriend of my friend and want him even if he may not be my type, even if he is a complete moron. I still want him or his attention for something. But specifically if he is a good catch, since I suppose it all comes back to the memory of my best friend and her "perfect" man.
It freaked me out recently because I started to three wheel with several other girlfriends, and I always get uncomfortable when they get too intimate with one another around me (even in simple conversation with one another in front of me).
I get kind of disappointed when I don't catch the guy looking at me, or purposely starting conversation to get to know me, or pay extra attention to me. You get the picture (Once again, I am not proud of any of this).
I went out with another good friend of mine and her guy for the first time recently, and while driving, I found something of interest in common with her guy. She decided to be funny by expressing jealousy and telling him, "Nooo! you don't like that, you like what I like!"
It was just a joke, but I swear my heart stopped.
I felt a series of nervous and familiar thoughts come into play. "Do i like this guy? why am I mentioning that I like what he likes? Next time I will just keep my mouth shut. I don't like anything. but I want to, I want him to like me!"
I continued to act kinda weird and faked fatigue later in the night to run on home sooner.
I do not want to lose friends over this.
I am dating someone that I like right now and it is going really well, though I still feel these unpleasant feelings. I just shouldn't three-wheel anymore.
If you have read this far ahead, thank you.
I appreciate it whether you hate me by this point, don't give a damn, or sympathize with me. It doesn't matter.
Writing all this down was therapeutic enough.
But boy, I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice to hear a few words of advice on how to battle this!