Do I warn a friend that her new boyfriend was my date rapist?
November 22, 2009 12:09 AM Subscribe
Three years ago, I was date-raped by my then-boyfriend. Some of our mutual friends know, some don't. I just found out that a friend in the know is trying to set up another friend's sister with my rapist. What, if anything, should I do?
(Apologies for the lengthy description that follows...)
posted by honeybee413 to Human Relations (59 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Almost three years ago to the day, I was dating a guy I had been friends with for years. We had agreed to take the physical component of our relationship slowly; the issue was discussed extensively. We went to a party together and both had a little too much to drink, were sober-driven back to his place, where he raped me.
I was not on contraceptives at the time, and ended up pregnant. I planned to terminate, but miscarried before that happened. Didn't break up with him until that point, either. I was ashamed of what had happened to me (very typical "this was my fault for not having control over the situation" guilt). I broke up with him after the miscarriage, and there was a discussion of what happened that night (which I called rape, but which he flatly denied... whatever, no still means no). I didn't press charges because I didn't want to ruin his life.
The whole thing was deeply traumatic for me. I'm fine now, went through therapy, didn't date for a very long time. I got through it in large part because I have a phenomenal network of friends, and I was fortunate enough to be able to move hundreds of miles away a few months after. We share a lot of friends. Some of them know what happened (i.e. the friends that were more mine than his), but most of them don't. I'd prefer to keep it that way if possible.
Flash forward to tonight, three years later, when two of those mutual friends are getting married. Neither of these friends know what happened. I stayed sober at the reception because a) I want to keep it that way, b) I don't want to ruin my friends' day, and c) I don't make a habit of putting myself in potentially unsafe situations. It's enough for me to deal with that he's going to be there in the first place.
I found out later that my best friend, and one of the only people I've told, is setting up the bride's friend with my rapist. I am (obviously and hopefully, understandably) alarmed at this prospect, as I would never think to set up a friend with a person that I knew to have a predatory past.
I don't know if I'm missing something here. I haven't talked to him since I ended it. I don't know if he's changed - he's never expressed any remorse over the situation to anyone that I know of. When I knew him, he had a temper that flared when he was intoxicated, and which had lasting consequences for me. I would hate to have it happen to another girl if I knew that I could prevent it.
Should confront my friend about the set-up? Should I go to the bride's sister (who I am acquainted with) and tell her what happened to me? Should I just casually warn her off? Or should I just say that the situation is none of my business, since I don't really know him anymore?