She likes me, but does she *like* me like me?
November 18, 2009 12:32 PM Subscribe
Late start at dating, and I'm worried that I don't/can't express attraction on dates or around people I like. Halp!
posted by anonymous to human relations (8 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I've gotten a really late start into the dating world. I'm in my mid-20s and have basically only gone on a handful of first dates (all arranged online), mostly in the past year or so, none of which have involved more physical contact than a rather chaste goodbye hug. A few times I've developed friendships with (single) women I've been pretty attracted to, but those have not morphed into anything more. (I don't know how to! Literally, don't know how those things happen.) Even aside from the mechanics of it ("touch her arm X times!" "mention Y!"--not that I think you can go by some textbook here), I don't know what happens if the "move" (physical or verbal) is unwanted/unrequited. Seems like it would be extremely awkward, especially if we've already become "friends." And it seems like friends is what I know how to do - I meet someone I'm attracted to and then when we hang out, I don't act like it's a date (I guess - how do you act like it's a date other than paying for someone?)
-I'm a woman, and I'm pretty much only interested in dating women.
-I grew up (through high school) in a religious environment where no one dated and there was pretty extreme separation of the sexes. (i.e. lack of dating/flirting experience or exposure at a "normal" age, combined with developing the tendency to censor attraction since liking women wasn't really okay in that environment.) (But I have been away from that for >6 years at this point.)
I guess it would be perfect if I ended up on a date with someone who takes the reins and I'm attracted to, but:
a) I don't feel like I can/should count on someone else like that (as someone said in another AskMe: man who wait for roast duck to fly into mouth wait long time.)
b) I worry that I give off "not interested" signals, which might be stopping many people from taking the reins. I'm not an extremely physical person (would love to be more so) and I have these internal filters that seem to stop me from being really obvious about my attraction to people.
To my knowledge, no one, male or female, has ever overtly hit on me or expressed interest (excepting maybe the very occasional sketchy street dude), which suggests I'm either oblivious to cues or giving off some sort of "don't go there" signal.
How can I seem more receptive to advances? How do I express this stuff other than "hey, I like you?"
What happens when you try kissing someone (a friend suggested I just take the plunge and kiss someone I'd been hanging out with) and it wasn't wanted/expected? Or even if you grab their hand and it wasn't wanted?
Throwaway email since this is anon: firstname.lastname@example.org.