how to get over this friendship/relationship/whatever that was
November 15, 2009 5:25 AM Subscribe
how to get over this friendship/relationship/whatever that was
so. i have a strange story to tell, but i'm going to try to strip out all the crazy parts and leave in just the parts that make it the run of the mill boy-girl story.
i made a really good friend a few years back in another country, and we fell out of touch. he moved back to his home country, and I never got his new number. I recently went to that country. After buying the ticket and making all my plans, I knew I would be really sad if I didn't find a way to be in touch with him, so I had a friend living in that country (where we had met) go to a place where I knew people would know how to contact him, and voila, I had his number.
I called him- and he was really excited that I was coming, and took off a week to travel with me (actually two weeks, because his job only let him take 2 weeks at a time), I was there for longer than that one week so we had a couple of weeks to reacquaint ourselves before we started to travel together within the country. I didn't stay with him during this time, and I was doing other stuff that had nothing to do with him for most of the time, but still spent a few hours with him maybe every other day.
anyway, he expressed romantic interest in me, and everything fell apart. I kind of turned down his interest, but then said that I would get to know him...and then we talked serious. Like much too seriously, about everything. And we talked about how each of us didn't want to live in each other's countries, and since the long-term seemed to be what was on the table this meant we weren't going to be together.
But I was still thinking about it a lot...and started developing stronger feelings....and while finally traveling with him basically found out that his mother had supposedly just arranged his marriage (during my visit the the country, after his proposal). yea.
the rest was rather awful. we talked about staying friends, but to be entirely honest- I don't think he ever viewed me as just a friend although I had viewed him this way until he said anything. So I really want to stay his friend, because I feel like he's such a good friend and that he means a lot to me in this way, and although he said he wanted to stay friends, his actions or lack thereof since have spoken volumes otherwise.
and also, he told me this time that the first time we 'lost touch,' was because he had decided to forget me, since he had feelings for me and didn't think I felt the same way. So I feel like he's doing this again. I.E.- not keeping in touch, at all.
I'm really sad. I've been trying to get over it for sometime, with some progress, but I just really wish that I didn't feel I just wasted a month in another country spending a lot of time with someone whose friendship is now completely gone. It makes it hard to look back at my vacation there and cherish it.
Why can't we be friends? When I talk to him he tells me we'll stay friends, he sounds genuine and like he really misses me, but then makes absolutely no move to stay in touch although I've made it clear that I'd like him to.
I guess the reason is because he doesn't want to, but I wanted to know if there was another perspective on this. For what it's worth, he did not get married like he said he was going to, at least not within the timeframe he had indicated (whether or not the arrangement was a lie, I think it was true that his mother was insistent that he marry within his ethnicity and was in general trying to arrange his marriage over the past several years), so guilt about feelings while being with another girl may not be the obvious answer.
Oh yea, him 'expressing his feelings' for me, is another way to say he asked me to marry him.
This was 2.5 months ago.
tell me how to get over all of this, and most importantly, his friendship and clear indication that he will on an absolute basis not be in touch (he would be ok and warm if i call him, but would never reciprocate and so it's not a good idea for me to indulge in this demoralizing option).
this is stripping out the crazy details.
hi amy. i'm sure you'll read this and recognize me:)
so. i have a strange story to tell, but i'm going to try to strip out all the crazy parts and leave in just the parts that make it the run of the mill boy-girl story.
i made a really good friend a few years back in another country, and we fell out of touch. he moved back to his home country, and I never got his new number. I recently went to that country. After buying the ticket and making all my plans, I knew I would be really sad if I didn't find a way to be in touch with him, so I had a friend living in that country (where we had met) go to a place where I knew people would know how to contact him, and voila, I had his number.
I called him- and he was really excited that I was coming, and took off a week to travel with me (actually two weeks, because his job only let him take 2 weeks at a time), I was there for longer than that one week so we had a couple of weeks to reacquaint ourselves before we started to travel together within the country. I didn't stay with him during this time, and I was doing other stuff that had nothing to do with him for most of the time, but still spent a few hours with him maybe every other day.
anyway, he expressed romantic interest in me, and everything fell apart. I kind of turned down his interest, but then said that I would get to know him...and then we talked serious. Like much too seriously, about everything. And we talked about how each of us didn't want to live in each other's countries, and since the long-term seemed to be what was on the table this meant we weren't going to be together.
But I was still thinking about it a lot...and started developing stronger feelings....and while finally traveling with him basically found out that his mother had supposedly just arranged his marriage (during my visit the the country, after his proposal). yea.
the rest was rather awful. we talked about staying friends, but to be entirely honest- I don't think he ever viewed me as just a friend although I had viewed him this way until he said anything. So I really want to stay his friend, because I feel like he's such a good friend and that he means a lot to me in this way, and although he said he wanted to stay friends, his actions or lack thereof since have spoken volumes otherwise.
and also, he told me this time that the first time we 'lost touch,' was because he had decided to forget me, since he had feelings for me and didn't think I felt the same way. So I feel like he's doing this again. I.E.- not keeping in touch, at all.
I'm really sad. I've been trying to get over it for sometime, with some progress, but I just really wish that I didn't feel I just wasted a month in another country spending a lot of time with someone whose friendship is now completely gone. It makes it hard to look back at my vacation there and cherish it.
Why can't we be friends? When I talk to him he tells me we'll stay friends, he sounds genuine and like he really misses me, but then makes absolutely no move to stay in touch although I've made it clear that I'd like him to.
I guess the reason is because he doesn't want to, but I wanted to know if there was another perspective on this. For what it's worth, he did not get married like he said he was going to, at least not within the timeframe he had indicated (whether or not the arrangement was a lie, I think it was true that his mother was insistent that he marry within his ethnicity and was in general trying to arrange his marriage over the past several years), so guilt about feelings while being with another girl may not be the obvious answer.
Oh yea, him 'expressing his feelings' for me, is another way to say he asked me to marry him.
This was 2.5 months ago.
tell me how to get over all of this, and most importantly, his friendship and clear indication that he will on an absolute basis not be in touch (he would be ok and warm if i call him, but would never reciprocate and so it's not a good idea for me to indulge in this demoralizing option).
this is stripping out the crazy details.
hi amy. i'm sure you'll read this and recognize me:)
He likes you That Way.
You don't like him That Way.
Staying in contact with you will be painful for him until he manages to get over these feelings; in such case it is the party who is suffering who gets to decide how to manage the relationship.
Don't be cruel. Your desire for a friend, right now, is subordinate to his need to get over you.
posted by Billegible at 6:11 AM on November 15, 2009 [5 favorites]
You don't like him That Way.
Staying in contact with you will be painful for him until he manages to get over these feelings; in such case it is the party who is suffering who gets to decide how to manage the relationship.
Don't be cruel. Your desire for a friend, right now, is subordinate to his need to get over you.
posted by Billegible at 6:11 AM on November 15, 2009 [5 favorites]
I just really wish that I didn't feel I just wasted a month in another country spending a lot of time with someone whose friendship is now completely gone.
Just re-reading this part. Don't be so hard on yourself! It's never a waste of time to travel and explore possible relationships. It's all part of an experience. You should draw appropriate conclusions (he's just not feeling what you're feeling) and move on.
But it wasn't a waste of your time.
posted by dzaz at 6:16 AM on November 15, 2009
Just re-reading this part. Don't be so hard on yourself! It's never a waste of time to travel and explore possible relationships. It's all part of an experience. You should draw appropriate conclusions (he's just not feeling what you're feeling) and move on.
But it wasn't a waste of your time.
posted by dzaz at 6:16 AM on November 15, 2009
So, if I understand correctly, he has had two bouts of unrequited love for you, whereas you have viewed him as "just friends" material for the vast majority of your relationship, except for a brief period of "let's give this some thought...thinking...thinking...no." Can you see how maintaining a friendship could entail some discomfort and unpleasant aspects for this guy--perhaps even be downright painful?
Also, I'm not sure to what extent there is a cultural divide between the two of you, but if he's from a place where marrying within one's ethnicity and arranged marriages are still common, platonic male/female friendships may also be somewhat outside his norm. He may have felt more free to engage in such a friendship the first time you guys were in contact, away from his family/culture of origin. Or he may have always been pursuing you with backburner romantic interest rather than viewing your relationship as platonic m/f friendship.
That's all speculation, of course, but the point is to encourage you to consider this friendship from his perspective, and to see that remaining "just friends" may be painful, awkward, or problematic to him for any number of reasons. Try to accept that his decision to shut down the relationship is legitimate, for reasons that go deeper than "he just doesn't want to" and that don't constitute a rejection of you, your worth as a friend, etc.
If you're able to achieve that kind of understanding of his legitimate motives and interests, that can act as counterbalance against your motives and interests and may help you accept how things have played out and let it go.
posted by drlith at 6:26 AM on November 15, 2009
Also, I'm not sure to what extent there is a cultural divide between the two of you, but if he's from a place where marrying within one's ethnicity and arranged marriages are still common, platonic male/female friendships may also be somewhat outside his norm. He may have felt more free to engage in such a friendship the first time you guys were in contact, away from his family/culture of origin. Or he may have always been pursuing you with backburner romantic interest rather than viewing your relationship as platonic m/f friendship.
That's all speculation, of course, but the point is to encourage you to consider this friendship from his perspective, and to see that remaining "just friends" may be painful, awkward, or problematic to him for any number of reasons. Try to accept that his decision to shut down the relationship is legitimate, for reasons that go deeper than "he just doesn't want to" and that don't constitute a rejection of you, your worth as a friend, etc.
If you're able to achieve that kind of understanding of his legitimate motives and interests, that can act as counterbalance against your motives and interests and may help you accept how things have played out and let it go.
posted by drlith at 6:26 AM on November 15, 2009
In terms of romantic feelings, it's clear where you both stand. If you had romantic feelings after he mentioned his, you still have an answer since he is at least considering his mother's arrangement.
Having discussed that, he does have a choice to not want to be friends. If you really do see him as a friend, do you enjoy your friends hitting on you? What happens after he gets married and you know he has stronger feelings for you rather than his wife...would that friendship be worth it? If you are a friend, be a friend. Let him go and live without second thoughts.
You didn't waste time or money visiting him. You had a good time with a friend. Cherish the time you spent together. Know that even if you don't talk, you are still friends. If you visit each other someday again or need each other's help in life, you will have a friend because we can say all the words we want but we don't always mean what we say, or say what we mean. It is what he does that defines him.
Things will get better with time. Good luck!
posted by xm at 7:36 AM on November 15, 2009
Having discussed that, he does have a choice to not want to be friends. If you really do see him as a friend, do you enjoy your friends hitting on you? What happens after he gets married and you know he has stronger feelings for you rather than his wife...would that friendship be worth it? If you are a friend, be a friend. Let him go and live without second thoughts.
You didn't waste time or money visiting him. You had a good time with a friend. Cherish the time you spent together. Know that even if you don't talk, you are still friends. If you visit each other someday again or need each other's help in life, you will have a friend because we can say all the words we want but we don't always mean what we say, or say what we mean. It is what he does that defines him.
Things will get better with time. Good luck!
posted by xm at 7:36 AM on November 15, 2009
"how do I get over this"
Date someone that you like who lives down the street.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:39 AM on November 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
Date someone that you like who lives down the street.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:39 AM on November 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
You guys each set mutually inconsistent boundaries to your relationship. Both parties said what they wanted fairly, and agreement was not reached. Therefore it is not to be.
Get over it by allowing yourself to feel hurt without blaming either of you.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:10 AM on November 15, 2009
Get over it by allowing yourself to feel hurt without blaming either of you.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:10 AM on November 15, 2009
Basically, you had some degree of attraction to him, enough to set up two weeks of together-time with the boy, but he blew it. You gave him friendship, he looked for a relationship, you gave him interest towards a relationship, he gave you a marriage proposal in a desperate context.
Your problem is that you sent an unambiguous sign of extreme interest, and didn't think it meant anything. A lot of guys get more and more confused about what constitutes interest, and thus get way too excited when they see something that is just ridiculously positive. "She hunted me down through friends and is spending a month here to see me" is pretty extreme. If that is your medium, what do you think your message is constrained to become?
Anyway, it's over. Over, over, over.
posted by effugas at 10:12 AM on November 15, 2009
Your problem is that you sent an unambiguous sign of extreme interest, and didn't think it meant anything. A lot of guys get more and more confused about what constitutes interest, and thus get way too excited when they see something that is just ridiculously positive. "She hunted me down through friends and is spending a month here to see me" is pretty extreme. If that is your medium, what do you think your message is constrained to become?
Anyway, it's over. Over, over, over.
posted by effugas at 10:12 AM on November 15, 2009
Why can't we be friends?
Why won't you marry him?
You won't marry him because you don't want to marry him. He won't be friends with you because he doesn't want to (just) be friends with you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:29 PM on November 15, 2009 [4 favorites]
Why won't you marry him?
You won't marry him because you don't want to marry him. He won't be friends with you because he doesn't want to (just) be friends with you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:29 PM on November 15, 2009 [4 favorites]
Been there, done that, what drlith said.
I'm sure my crazy details were different than your crazy details, but the context was the same. From the sounds of it, I would guess he comes from a culture in which men and women are not friends, and in these cultures, often they don't know how to be friends without it developing into a crush at the very least. You've said no, so of course he's let the friendship go - if he is from such a culture any further contact from you simply proves that you are actually interested.
Mourn the friendship but let it go - there is nothing you can do here. And don't think of it as a waste - figure out what the whole mess has taught you about yourself, life, the world and be thankful that you had this crazy experience even if it didn't turn out how you thought it should.
posted by scrute at 1:05 PM on November 15, 2009
I'm sure my crazy details were different than your crazy details, but the context was the same. From the sounds of it, I would guess he comes from a culture in which men and women are not friends, and in these cultures, often they don't know how to be friends without it developing into a crush at the very least. You've said no, so of course he's let the friendship go - if he is from such a culture any further contact from you simply proves that you are actually interested.
Mourn the friendship but let it go - there is nothing you can do here. And don't think of it as a waste - figure out what the whole mess has taught you about yourself, life, the world and be thankful that you had this crazy experience even if it didn't turn out how you thought it should.
posted by scrute at 1:05 PM on November 15, 2009
follow-up from the OP
He pretty much proposed as soon as I got there- not in the middle or end, so all the 'serious conversations' were in the beginning. As we spent more time together I was developing serious feelings for him, starting to consider the proposal and starting to do romantic things for him that made it obvious, finally while travelling he broke down and told me about the arrangement, and even though it was obvious during this time I was interested he made it clear at that point it was no longer an option- and that he'd known for longer. I still have feelings for him, he knows this, and I want to be his friend so at least I can salvage that much. But between finding out about the arrangement and finally telling me a week later, he led me on, as I was making my feelings clear, and I was really hurt and upset when I found out. the rest of the time there was a sort of making the best out of our little time together and trying not to get too emotional about it. Anyway, yea it's over. I just want to make it clear that it wasn't a case of me just simply screwing him over, between him and me it's understood that he's the one who screwed me overposted by jessamyn at 4:02 PM on November 15, 2009
I think this is one of those life lessons about letting go of people - REALLY letting go.
He lives in another country, you have significant cultural differences, he´s not making the effort to continue any kind of relationship with you (romantic or otherwise) and you´re not really sure what you can offer him.
The part of you that hurts is the part of you that won't let go - the part of you that is attached to whatever it was his interest was giving you. I suggest researching "attachment" and "letting go"
You are not achieving anything by feeling like this. Let him lose contact again, and congratulate yourself for having such an interesting life. Years later you can say things like, "Oh yes, there was someone special in x country who proposed to me, but it just wasn't meant to be... "
I want to reiterate - cultural differences are not easily or quickly understood, they can take years to really get the hang of, and even then it's still hard. Where I live, it is very normal to be warm and genuine and express interest seeing someone, and then nothing comes of it. It's just being courteous. He's not going to tell you what he really thinks or feels. His actions show it.
posted by Locochona at 4:31 PM on November 15, 2009
He lives in another country, you have significant cultural differences, he´s not making the effort to continue any kind of relationship with you (romantic or otherwise) and you´re not really sure what you can offer him.
The part of you that hurts is the part of you that won't let go - the part of you that is attached to whatever it was his interest was giving you. I suggest researching "attachment" and "letting go"
You are not achieving anything by feeling like this. Let him lose contact again, and congratulate yourself for having such an interesting life. Years later you can say things like, "Oh yes, there was someone special in x country who proposed to me, but it just wasn't meant to be... "
I want to reiterate - cultural differences are not easily or quickly understood, they can take years to really get the hang of, and even then it's still hard. Where I live, it is very normal to be warm and genuine and express interest seeing someone, and then nothing comes of it. It's just being courteous. He's not going to tell you what he really thinks or feels. His actions show it.
posted by Locochona at 4:31 PM on November 15, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
So the sequence of events was (stripping away almost all details) you had a mutual attraction, you spent time together, he asked you to marry him (?), you said no but wanted to remain friends, and he's cordial but not initiating contact with you?
Seems like he's being very clear. He doesn't want to have contact with you now (or maybe ever again). Perhaps it would be nice if he just came out and asked you to stop contacting him, but the fact that he doesn't contact you speaks volumes.
How do you get over this? Sorry to be cliche, but do things you enjoy. Spend time with friends. Have some fun.
posted by dzaz at 5:55 AM on November 15, 2009