Doormat Syndrome?
November 14, 2009 6:00 PM   Subscribe

I have a habit of being too agreeable (which is often taken advantage of) and I'd like to know how to curb it, or develop a better discerning sense of which requests to accommodate.

I like helping people--friends, acquaintances, strangers. I'm pretty easygoing by nature, and I usually comply with someone's request or preference unless I have a strong (or good) reason not to do so. If it contradicts one of my values or really impinges on my time, I say no, but otherwise I'm pretty malleable and don't mind accommodating other people's requests. I like hanging out with people, not what we do or where we go necessarily.

The trouble is when people start to take advantage of it. I go along with my friends' choice of entertainment for awhile, but then when I try to suggest something else, they make a fuss. Meetups have to be at a destination of their choice. It's not that I care where we meet so long as we do meet, but after awhile, it starts to be annoying, especially since I'm willing to go a little out of my way to meet them, but they don't seem to be willing to return the favour.

With acquaintances, it might be me sharing information and being willing to meet with them for a coffee or something if they needed help with something, but asking for a return favour is met with suspicion. There was even a time when I helped out a total stranger with computer problems at a hostel, and she then proceeded to try and use me as her next morning alarm clock, not to mention wanting me to use my camera to snap a photo of her and her companion and send it to her email address. I declined.

People ask me for all sorts of information and requests and to describe my experiences when I've done something interesting, and I share, but I've started to feel like I have a big "doormat" sign on my back--not because I share, but because I don't feel like I'm receiving anything back. Or requests from acquaintances/friends who I've helped before start increasingly to sound very disrespectful, almost like they're entitled to the favour exactly as they want it. I've always thought this was a good way to make friends--being helpful and trying to meet the needs of others, not be too demanding of others--but it seems like a better way of getting taken advantage of. I've watched others like me, and I've seen others who are pretty particular with specifics, and it seems they all manage to hold others' respect.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something here, or if that's just the way it is, and I just need to be better at filtering what's legitimate and what's just someone trying to freeload off others. And how do you do that? Just get out there and interact more with people, gain experience? Thanks.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
Some people mistake kindness for weakness. Some people just keep coming back to the well, even when it's dry. Bad manners, really. It's good that you do draw the line in some respects, and you should continue to do that, but I would stop keeping score.
posted by bunny hugger at 6:20 PM on November 14, 2009


Best answer: Maybe make your own preferences more important (like choice of entertainment/destination for coffee) earlier on in a friendship/relationship?

Your easygoing nature may unconsciously promote others into taking the lead in choice of destination, etc., and they become accustomed to it, and then when you dissent they find it unexpected and "make a fuss", because to them, it is a foregone conclusion that you always want to go along with their idea.

In my experience, you have to teach people how to treat you. So before you become a "doormat", don't be one always. (Not to say that being nice and going along with others isn't a great quality in a friend, and I have to admit a tendency to do the same, and I don't think it makes you a doormat necessarily). Just add your two cents to the plans once in awhile, before anyone begins to think that their way is always best in their relationship with you.

In a weird way, this is about power. People are flattered when their ideas seem so agreeable to you every time, and they also gain power in the relationship. If it goes too far, sometimes you have to wrest it back (the power), and that can be more difficult and challenging than avoiding the problem by saying the plans won't work for you unless the event takes place on your side of town, or whatever.
posted by bebrave! at 6:30 PM on November 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


I am that person everyone calls when they need to know how to do something, or they need help with something. I also used to have friends who would take advantage of that and never reciprocate. I have reformed some of them, and I have let others go out of my life to make room for people who treat me better.

Maybe look at why you're doing these things for so many people or always going along with what they say. Are you doing it to try to make them like you, or is it because you genuinely care and want to help? What do you get out of these friendships?

At some point I realized I have several friends that I seem to help out frequently, but they more than make up for it in other ways. My best friend owns this old rickety house and calls me a lot for help painting and fixing and whatnot. I am quite happy to help him because he always provides beer and food and profuse, sincere thanks. Even though he sucks at home improvement and I couldn't call him to come help me knock down a wall, he is one of the few people who will happily sit and listen to me bitch about my problems if I need that. I have another friend who is always getting to huge jams and then calling me to rescue her. But she's also funny and sweet, will babysit my kid in a pinch and gives the best Christmas presents known to man. And none of these people would think anything of it if they asked me for something and I said no. Which is also important. I can say what I think to them without them throwing a hissy fit all the time.

The people I'm close to now all bring different but equally valuable things into our relationships. I think that's what makes healthy friendships work out. If your current friendships aren't giving you that, it's probably time to make some new friends.
posted by howrobotsaremade at 7:08 PM on November 14, 2009


Best answer: Pleasing people for the sake of pleasing them can lead to these circumstances. It isn't necessarily because they see you as a doormat or are trying to take advantage of you. It can also be that they think that you are doing the things you are because those are the things you want to do. Then they can be surprised when you say "No, I actually like don't want to."

The best way to get people's respect and build relationships is to act according to your own goals and interests. That doesn't mean be inflexible or demanding, but it does mean that if you don't care to go hang out in bars, don't make a habit of it just because the people you are currently with have that as an interest. Instead scale back with them and find other people who share your goals with you. In so doing, you'll find people who support you.

The other thing you can do is ask more freely for people to help or participate in what you want to do. You might be surprised at the number of other people who are willing to help you out without you doing something for them first.
posted by meinvt at 7:13 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


It seems to me that your pattern is sound. You are generous, caring, social, want to help to a point. You give the relationship time, and set limits or your needs. If they don't respond in kind, you begin to set limits on the relationship.

Over the years, I have accepted the fact that many people are narcissistic. It's very difficult for them to act out of the sphere of their own narrow interests. Personally, I think the tendency has been encouraged by consumer culture and modern conveniences, and the breakdown of cultural expectations such as religious values or strict cultural protocols which I don't think would be fun for me anyway.

I have learned to develop my own independent interests apart from social currency, and give relationships time to reveal the dynamic. Many folks think of others as a means to satisfy their own desires, so you just have to figure out your limits and put some space between you and the long term users. And I learned the hard way that users can be extremely charming and manipulative. Good luck!
posted by effluvia at 8:03 PM on November 14, 2009


Learn how to say NO, Practice.
posted by Agamenticus at 8:10 PM on November 14, 2009


Remembering to have little one liners practiced sometimes helps. Saying things like "I'll take that into account" or "I'll have to look into that" can buy you some time to think things over before automatically agreeing, or being a yes-man.
posted by timpanogos at 9:57 PM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Initiative.

Here's where the problem is:

"I go along with my friends' choice of entertainment for awhile, but then when I try to suggest something else, they make a fuss. Meetups have to be at a destination of their choice. It's not that I care where we meet so long as we do meet, but after awhile, it starts to be annoying, especially since I'm willing to go a little out of my way to meet them, but they don't seem to be willing to return the favour."

If you always wait for others to propose things, and one day when you don't like what they propose you counter-propose... it's too late. Here's how they feel about it: "elisynn is such a user - never any ideas, always waiting for us to come up with ideas, and then when she finally has one, it's lame".

Solution: take initiative. In life in general, not just about entertainment. You start off with an idea immediately (of course, hopefully it's something everyone can enjoy) and slap it on the table and then assume the sale. If there is a counterproposal - make them work for it, if you are to agree to their idea... don't just agree to be agreeable. If it's too far from your place, say "hey, that won't work for me - it's too far" then compromise about meeting mid-point. First, try to have your way, then make them work to get a compromise. That will get everyone used to the idea that you have value and that one must take your opinion under consideration.

It takes work on your part - take the initiative to do interesting things, and when you do a lot of interesting things, you are BUSY. And being busy, if someone asks you a favor... "well Johnny, say, you need to have your computer fixed... hmm, I have a lot on my plate right now - are you sure you can't wait until next week? You know, if I am to fix your computer, you are asking me in effect to not go to today's photography class... you are really asking me to do that? AND WHAT WILL I GET IN RETURN FOR THIS GREAT SACRIFICE??" - now, you don't verbalize this necessarily all the way, but that's the subtext. YOU ARE FREAKIN' BUSY, and it is a BIG FREAKIN' DEAL to ask you for a favor. OK? "I'll do it for you this time, but please plan ahead next time - oh, and by the way, can you walk my dog tonight while I fix your computer - thanks".

You are the mistress of your time. Your time is valuable, because you do interesting things and your life is valuable. People feel honored that you took out the time to do X, Y, or Z for them - and are happy to pay you back. Of course, you are always friendly, but leave a few beats before the gathering is over... don't be the last person to leave a party... you are too busy. Ciao!
posted by VikingSword at 11:27 PM on November 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


"I go along with my friends' choice of entertainment for awhile, but then when I try to suggest something else, they make a fuss. Meetups have to be at a destination of their choice."

I have a friend like this. If she doesn't get her way she gets upset and thinks I'm not being nice. I've finally started just gently pushing back on the things that matter to me, choosing my battles. For example, the other day we were at a new fast-food restaurant that has either drive-up or walk-up service, but there is no "go inside." She really wanted to walk up and take her time looking at the menu, but I insisted on the drive-up since it was like 35 degrees (F) outside. She finally just called me a wimp (not in a mean way) and went through the drive-up, and it really wasn't so bad.

If a friend of yours wants to go to restaurant X and you want to go to restaurant Y, just keep gently insisting, "no, really, there's this great place you have to try!" If they've been there before, tell them they have to try this new dish. I keep saying gently insist because hey, I'm new at this pushing back thing too.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:12 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


You need other friends! I've had those relationships before and I discovered that it wasn't just my accommodating, willing-to-help, do-what-I-have-to-to-keep-everyone-happy nature that was giving me the short end of the stick but my "friends" whole-hearted willingness to take advantage of it.

There is nothing wrong with your good-hearted nature. There is something very wrong with individuals who take advantage of it. However, there is a problem with your putting their needs above your own. They are not more important than you, even though they obviously act/believe that they are.

Once I started asserting myself, (i.e., "nah, I drove all the way over there last time, it's your turn to do some extra driving") my friends, or my real friends had no problem with it, whereas the unreasonable, selfish ones were not too pleased.
I lost some "friends" or I'm not as close to some people as I used to, and I missed them for a bit... but I feel much more self-respect now knowing that I have friends who appreciate me as human being and not as a what-can-she-do-for-me doormat.

Remember: your opinion, needs, wants, etc., are just as important as those of anyone else. If someone does not respect that, than that person is not your real friend. Friendship is about give-and-take. Why should you be the one doing all the giving? Value yourself!
posted by Neekee at 7:21 AM on November 15, 2009 [3 favorites]


Oh, and when your friends make a fuss - don't give in! They're too old to be making a fuss. They'll get over it. They probably just do that because they know that that's how you give in. Just think to yourself "tough shit".
posted by Neekee at 7:24 AM on November 15, 2009


You need other friends! I've had those relationships before and I discovered that it wasn't just my accommodating, willing-to-help, do-what-I-have-to-to-keep-everyone-happy nature that was giving me the short end of the stick but my "friends" whole-hearted willingness to take advantage of it.

This! It's not that your nature brings out the worst in ALL people, it's mostly that your nature attracts "takers" who can smell a "giver" a mile away. You can find people out there who won't take "kind and generous" for "weak easy mark"--and learn to spot the warning signs earlier for people who will.

Also, ditto on the fact that growing a little backbone will weed out most of the users ASAP--and it might not be pretty (I can give you all sorts of examples of people outraged--just OUTRAGED--when I finally starting saying 'no' to things that 99% of folks wouldn't have the audacity to even ask for).....but then you'll be rid of them.

My turnaround is much faster now....I still read as a "false positive" for some exploitative people (i.e. I still must send out some superficial cues that they've found their doormat half). However, these kinds of folks lose interest quickly when they find out I'm not what they thought I was....and I've been left with the genuine, two-way-street relationships.
posted by availablelight at 7:36 AM on November 15, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hmmm. This is a good question. Give me a day to think about my answer and I'll get back to you.

;-)
posted by xammerboy at 10:49 PM on November 15, 2009


There was even a time when I helped out a total stranger with computer problems at a hostel, and she then proceeded to try and use me as her next morning alarm clock, not to mention wanting me to use my camera to snap a photo of her and her companion and send it to her email address. I declined....

People ask me for all sorts of information and requests and to describe my experiences when I've done something interesting, and I share, but I've started to feel like I have a big "doormat" sign on my back


I have to say that none of these examples sound like 'doormat' to me - as long as you felt free to say no. But especially what you say about sharing information and describing experiences - that's human interaction. They may not even care, they may think that they're being polite and drawing you out and expressing interest in your life.

It seems like your reasons for doing things and your understandings of social interaction may be more off than the things that people are asking of you. To me, being taken advantage of is things like covering other people's shifts and them never agreeing when I ask them to take mine. Then I learn to stop helping them.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:35 AM on November 16, 2009


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