Grow up or build a time machine?
November 14, 2009 10:19 AM Subscribe
How do I make it feel like home?
posted by anonymous to human relations (16 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
Is it possible to develop a sense of family with your partner eventually, or should it have been there already when you were dating?
I've been with my partner for a long time, and, I confess, I only got into the relationship in the first place because of all the magic and romance I felt at the time. I didn't think it would get serious, but I was very much in love and fantasized about marriage. We got married, it's been awhile. I still love him very much, but for lack of a better term, I find myself feeling homesick. His family is nice, not quite warm and fuzzy, but nice, and kind. WASPy types. They don't live near us, which is fine, and exactly what I thought I wanted when I used to dream of having my own family. We're in our thirties, don't have kids, no house, and we've kept our money and finances totally separate with no desire to combine our assets into one account or pool.
Maybe I'm being stupid, but I don't feel like a family unit with my partner. I don't care about the the accounts, it feels more like a symptom of whatever is wrong with me. I feel like we're in a long-term dating relationship rather than a marriage. I don't think I want kids with him (he's a little high strung and anxious, a lot of the time now as he nears his forties, qualities that I don't think go away when you deal with children), we've had two abortions already (which possibly started this feeling I had that we weren't a real family or he didn't want to be a real family).
My own family is overseas and far away. I miss them and can't see them regularly due to distance and work. The way I felt growing up was so lovely and warm. Here, no matter how much my partner says he loves me, it feels like there's some isolation and underlying tension between us. He says it's not supposed to feel warm and and nurturing and unconditional the way it was when I was growing up because we're not children anymore. I don't know if my expectation that we should feel like a little family instead of people who are cohabitating are off or if this is a sign that this isn't a good fit, or if there are ways I can make it feel like a family.