How can I prove to my parents that I'm "mature" enough?

November 13, 2009 10:29 PM

I'm 16 years old. I have (though somewhat borderline) Asperger's and I'm highly intellectually (verbal, not quite visual-spatial) gifted. I don't do well in school, you could say I'm an "underachiever". I graduate high school this year. I will most likely not get into either of my top universities in the city (I'm Canadian, btw). I don't mind taking next year (from graduation until I'm 17.5) to "mature a bit" but eventually I want to go to school overseas. I need to prove to my parents I can live alone... without actually living alone.

My parents both of the opinion that I lack the functional and social maturity needed to live alone. I don't disagree, necessarily. I have very few friends, though my ability to make new ones has improved drastically in recent months, and I lack basic time-management skills.

I've never had a job (my parents have told me to focus on school) and I do very little "independently", though just about what I see most people my age doing (my parents cook, clean, do my laundry). I get rides to and from school on my mom's way to and from work, though I often take public transport around the city (I live in a major Canadian city).

My parents recently met with my psychologist (without me) to discuss the issue. The psych suggested that I take the year to mature, but that's really all I was told. My parents added that they're mostly concerned with the facts that: I don't know how to manage money (these days whenever I get a little spending money aside from allowance (basically just for food a couple times a week, I use the spending money), and that I don't wake up for school on my own (I get woken up anyway, but lately I've been sleep deprived and have had trouble getting up). Also I should mention that I'm not a neat/organized person and that can only make things look even worse.

My mom also constantly mentions "getting around on my own", but I think it's something I'm rather good at. In past summers I've gone day upon day just taking public transport around and exploring big cities (NYC, for example) on my own. I'm actually not quite sure my mom even realizes it. Just last week she didn't want me taking the bus at night (around 9ish) to go meet with a friend. I'm not quite sure what she was thinking, and I felt rather insulted. My dad grew up here (my mom didn't, she grew up in NYC in the 80s) and he saw no problem with it whatsoever. It's like she refuses to acknowledge I'm not 10 anymore.

Another area which my mom has expressed concern regarding has been the use of alcohol and drugs on university campuses. I should mention that I attend high school parties regularly and I know how to handle it.

In any case, I suppose I'm primarily asking what my best approach would be. If you were my mom or dad, how would you prefer I approach "maturing"? How can I better understand my parents' point of view?

(I'm asking this anonymously because my personal account can be found fairly easily by pretty much anyone who knows me. I like to keep these things private.)

Thanks in advance.

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

Well, most all sixteen year olds "lack the functional and social maturity needed to live alone." And you won't develop all of it in a year and a half. But in the meantime, you need a job, so you can earn and manage some of your own money. You need to learn to do your own laundry. You need to pick up after yourself. You need to be able to wake yourself up and get yourself out the door on time. You need to be able to plan a shopping trip, buy food, and cook for yourself. Tell them you want to develop these skills, and work on them one at a time this year. Start with making your own breakfast or washing your clothes or whatever. One thing at a time. You'll live alone soon enough, but probably not in a year.
posted by liketitanic at 10:36 PM on November 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Get a job and hold it.
posted by warble at 10:36 PM on November 13, 2009 [5 favorites]

If I were your parent (and I have a child only a few years younger (and I went through much the same as you)), I'd be more comfortable if you saved up a bunch of money. Since you're going to be living at home for a year, and since you don't have a lot of expenses, I'd be really impressed if you saved, oh, a couple thousand dollars. You need to prove something to your parents? Show them a bank account with $10,000.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:38 PM on November 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Don't tell your parents about the parties. It sounds like your parents are very protective and this could really work against you.
posted by aburd at 11:02 PM on November 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd choose two or three areas in which you believe you will be able to show concrete signs of independence and maturity within a year. Keep it limited so that it's achievable, choose areas where you'll have concrete evidence of improvement, and consider choosing a couple things that she'll find impressive, and maybe one for yourself. For example, say the areas you choose are 1) saving money, 2) consistently cleaning up your space and the household space and 3) learning to play an instrument (or something else fun for you). Then write down very specific plans to meet each goal. How much money do you want to save? How much will you have to put away each week to do so? How much time each week will you spend cleaning? Remember, showing consistency is important, so keep those goals realistic. Even if you start washing the dishes only once a week, I would think your mom would notice that.

Can you get buy-in from mom by including her in any of these goals? For example, you could approach her and say, "Mom, I really want to start saving money. To make sure I don't spend any of it, would you be willing to hold on to it for me until x date?"

Your mom might not ever "get" that you are as independent and capable as you think you are. I'm 35, and I still remind my mom that I know how to drive a car when she's not sitting next to me telling me what part of the steering wheel to rest my hands on. But I think you have enough time to demonstrate, in measurable terms, that you will be safe and capable while going to school abroad. The side effect will be that you'll also develop the skills you need to live on your own successfully in the process of showing her. Some of us are still figuring out how to clean up after ourselves or save a little cash. You'll have a jump on your peers that will make your life better and easier in the long run.

Good luck!
posted by serazin at 11:04 PM on November 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

You know, it might be a real sign of maturity to ask your parents this question. Ask them what sorts of skills/qualities they believe are necessary for living alone and where you're currently not there yet and make a plan to build those skills. You can't manage money? Ok, do some reading or take a continuing ed course on budgeting and start keeping a budget. Can't get yourself around? Buy an alarm clock and a subway pass and get yourself where you need to go without relying on your parents.

None of us can tell you what will convince your parents that you've matured, but they probably have some idea of what sorts of habits and behaviours they are hoping to see from you, and if you ask them -- in a genuine "Ok, I'm going to make a plan to develop the skills I need and get where I need to go" way, not in "Fine! I'll show you!" way -- I bet they'll be happy to tell you and they'll take your asking as a good sign.

Also, as others have said, get a job and start saving money.

And all that said, lots of people leave home lacking some basic life skills like cooking and laundry. You get hungry, your clothes get dirty, you mess it up sometimes and you figure it out. But that does take some maturity.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:05 PM on November 13, 2009 [4 favorites]

I knew someone my freshman year of college who had never done her own laundry, never done any of her own cooking, and had relied on her parents to manage her schedule. She had a very difficult time adjusting.

So, yes, get and keep a job. Learn to do your own laundry and do it. Choose some household chores and do them - consistently, and as well as you can, and without being asked. Get yourself up for school - that's sort of a basic live-on-your-own skill. With the money you earn on your job, learn how to make (and stick to) and budget. Learn how to cook some basic meals (eggs, pancakes, a few simple dinner dishes), and how to shop for them.

The only way I ever found to get my mom to treat me as an adult was to act like one.
posted by rtha at 11:11 PM on November 13, 2009

Baby steps, Dr. Marvin!

Why don't you make an intermediate step and go to a closer-by school that has a dorm? That way you can test out living on your own, with the safety net of your parents being a phone call, not an ocean, away.

There you can make your own schedule, try to make friends, test your social boundaries and, even if it's not 100% successful, you still will have grown quite a bit.
posted by inturnaround at 11:17 PM on November 13, 2009

Seconding warble. Get a job for a year, save up and then just move overseas. I did all of that, and I've turned out just fine, overall. (We count eccentricities as separate, "okay" things, right?) I'd moved out of my family's house by the time I was 19, and I went to Melbourne, Australia and was there for three years, studying and living; I've only recently moved back to the States, to Austin, Texas.

My family was unsure about what I was doing, to the point of driving me insane sometimes. Do realize that they mean well. They're afraid for you; they're afraid of change (empty nest, regardless of whether you've got siblings living at home still or not); they want to protect you from all the things they think you might have trouble with. It's a love thing, really. A little unfortunate, but true.

All you can do is slowly but surely prove to them that you're a birdie that's ready and able to fly away. I was nagged at about the most mundane things before I left home: "You don't even cook for yourself!" "You don't even like to drive!" "You don't do your own laundry!" And so on and so forth. It was all true. It was part of childhood, and I didn't care, and I knew I'd change when I moved out. I did. If you're like most kids, you don't know how to do half of anything, and you won't until you move out on your own, and that's okay. Hell, that is what the Internet is for. You don't have to know all this crap off the top of your head. Google it. But really, learning a little blindly through trial and error is part of the process, and it's actually very fun. I sometimes think older adults either forget that or have bought into the whole "the world is an evil, different place now where you can't be that free and silly and naive" mumbo-jumbo.

Growing up issues like that aside, you are only sixteen. Give yourself some time, get a job, enjoy some time outside of high school. Don't rush. Plan. For yourself. Then, when you're ready, leave home (and you'll know when, because, at that point you'll feel confident enough in yourself and your plans--and annoyed enough at your family members).

Really, it's simple as that. At present, your family does have control over you (monetarily, more than any other way), but not forever. For keeping peace, it is important to try to show your family that you're growing up well and can handle things, but if you get to be a year or so older and they're still upset...well, let them be upset as you move out, according to solid plans you've set out. They'll get over it, so long as they don't have to come bail you out a thousand miles away six months later. They will also really respect you when you do fly away and stay in the air.

The one thing that I do think is very important is that you keep a good therapy lifeline. I'm not just saying that because of your Asperger's, either. Moving out, going to university, and particularly going somewhere overseas for something longer than a short study period is serious stuff, and it will take its toll if you aren't careful. Really, if you were to trip up on anything in this process, it would be from the pressure of managing it all at once. That is the one thing I had trouble with. I enjoyed the whole process of the last three years, but it did do a number on me in some ways, as I was multitasking far more than a human should (growing up, paying bills, meeting new people, uni, work, visa, etc., etc.). Just keep that in mind for yourself.

If, by any chance, you'd like to chat more about this with me, feel free to email at [e-mail].
posted by metalheart at 11:18 PM on November 13, 2009 [3 favorites]

By the way, I should have added somewhere that while doing everything at once was a bit wacky, it was an awesome decision on my part, on the whole, and I'm very glad I didn't let my parents or anyone else talk me out of it.
posted by metalheart at 11:19 PM on November 13, 2009

If only I had a penguin... took the words right out of my mouth, and on preview, metalheart as well.

Having been in a similar situation, all I can add is that when you don't have the comfort of knowing that your parents are there to wake you up in the mornings, have leftovers in the fridge, get you places, bail you out after some possibly bad financial choices, or all of these other things that you don't really need to worry about, your ass gets a lot more in gear than you'd have previously believed. It's those crowning moments when you get to put on your adult cape.

It might take a few years to adapt to some things, to not feel neurotic about other things, and to feel completely comfortable with your competence in regards to everything else.. but I think just asking this question and having the experience you do already puts you in a lot better position than most.

My mother was a lot like your mom. She didn't believe I could ever actually get it together and achieve anything. Her negativity pushed me to try harder and do better for myself as early on as I could, so perhaps that will work for you too.

Just get yourself a semi-mindless job that supports you and allows you to keep yourself sane while you enter this phase in your life. You'll still make mistakes, but learning from them and getting past them is an indescribable feeling.

Good luck!
posted by june made him a gemini at 11:29 PM on November 13, 2009

Nothing you've posted seems out of the ordinary for a 16 year old. Plenty of high school graduates lack maturity well into their university careers. I'd hazard to say that many North Americans have no idea about managing money either, so you have plenty of company there.

You need life experience, but for a teenager that's what's expected. This can be a scary time for any parent and I'm guessing your Asperger's isn't helping to put yours at ease.

Maybe try starting post-secondary or get a job and move out somewhere close by. Get a crappy apartment with a couple friends and argue about dishes and cable for awhile.

No one can really answer what your parents are expecting but them. I like the idea of sitting down with them and talking about it, but I'd be wary of them shifting the goalposts. Not because they sound like bad parents, but just because it can be difficult to say at what point you'll be feeling a certain way.

Ultimately, your life is your own.
posted by ODiV at 11:30 PM on November 13, 2009

I have found with these things that it's less a big, dingle dramatic action and more that one small thing leads to another. For example, when I was 12 I asked my mother for my own house key, and she was comfortable giving it to me because she saw I could take care of other belongings. Or she saw I was okay with managing money because she had a deal where if we wanted something big, my sister and I could get her to go in with us on it providing we saved up half of it first.

So, start small, say, with your own bedroom. Are you keeping it fairly tidy? If it has anything in it at any point which does not belong there (for example, drinking glasses) can you be trusted to return them where they belong when you're through with them? If there is anything you need to fix it up (another bookcase, some decorative items) can you save up the money and get it yourself? Can you teach yourself to run a load of laundry, change the sheets on the bed etc?

Then think more house-wide. Who is making your lunches? Can you take this over, maybe? You could ask your parents to give you an allowance for this and perhaps do your own shopping for lunch items to take to school. This will show them you have a basic grasp of how to feed yourself without only junk food, that you can manage a budget, and that you can get around on your own. Or is there perhaps one night a week where you could offer to make dinner for the family?
posted by JoannaC at 11:40 PM on November 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

There are many skills that make for a successful start to life on your own: Being organized, staying focused, learning about nutrition, cooking, planning and preparing meals, cleaning, exercise etc. These come with time, and it's OK if they aren't all in place the day you move out; you don't need to be a black belt in housecleaning to start living in your own place. But one skill I'd definitely recommend you acquire before moving out is basic time management.

Time management skills quickly become crucial when you are your sole means of support. Failing to pay bills or the rent when due, or not having money in your accounts when needed, can soon mean multiple bad consequences and unwanted complications. Life's ups and downs have a way of quickly impressing the importance of this into you, sometimes painfully so. In other words, acquiring time skills is a big part of maturing and the sooner you get them the better.

If you feel a lack in the time management area, your parents likely sense that too. Some ways to begin working on this:

1) Become a volunteer.
There could be opportunities in your school to be a reading or study partner for younger grades. There might be openings in local service organizations or non-profits. You can gain a lot of time management experience both as a volunteer and an observer of how volunteers are coordinated.

2) Audit your time.
Do a time-audit report to find out how your time is spent every day. Just write down each thing you do for a week. This will give you an idea where you can cut back on time-intensive yet non-critical activities (*ahem* reading MetaFilter for hours) and more efficiently use your time. Then start prioritizing different tasks you do every day, putting ones that are more important earlier in the available time for each day. Note which critical tasks that are started but aren't getting done when needed during the week. These kinds of observations will allow you to rethink how much time different tasks really need.

3) Goal-setting.
If you do the time-audit, you should have a clearer sense of how your time is being spent, where the free time is, and what tasks are (and aren't) getting done. You can then set some goals regarding the other issues you mention in your post (i.e., saving instead of spending, finding resources on money management, getting a more regular sleep cycle, waking up for school on your own). Write these goals down. Plan your day/week by scheduling specific actions for the goals you want to achieve, revising priorities as the week goes on. Review at the end of each week and see how attainable the goals were and how effective were the actions. Use this knowledge to make revised goals for the next week, making sure to have some flexibility in your schedule for when things don't go as planned. At the end of two months show your plans, actions and your improvements to your parents.

I've spent over an hour writing this because I'm writing when sleepy, so I'll stop now. That in itself is another lesson in time management - schedule long and complicated tasks for times when you know you'll have energy. Good luck, and take it slow.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 11:49 PM on November 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I just wanted to say that "taking care of yourself" is a big enough category of life that even adults with great jobs and big houses and all their boxes ticked have problems with it. Look down the front page of AskMe today - questions about managing leftover rice and making pliable tortillas share space with people who aren't sure how to celebrate wedding anniversaries, might lose their farms, and have problems with forgetfulness.

Everyone's got stuff to work on. I didn't know how to do laundry, really, until I went to college; now, I've got my clothes into a perfect cold water-wool detergent-gentle cycle ritual with a splash of vinegar in the fabric softener compartment. That took years to get right, and there was no way I could just pick that up with no experience doing laundry. I had to realize "hey, the four-hour-almost boiling cycle makes my clothes feel like cardboard", and then change it.

And unpleasant as it seems, I have to wonder what would happen if Mom sees you doing more taking-care-of-yourself stuff without prompting or her reminding you - be prepared for the fact that she may think you're just "faking" or "trying to prove something" to justify your desire to leave instead of just "learning how to do X".

To combat this, I'd try to put yourself in the position of "life apprentice". Ask your folks, especially Mom, as many questions as you can about why certain mostly-adult things work the way they do ("Why do checks sometimes take a number of days to clear?", "Why do we need fabric softener, anyway?", "What's up with nutrition labeling - isn't it kind of deceptive?"), even if you already know the answer. Showing them that you're thinking about mature stuff like this may help them be more comfortable with your plans.

Good luck!
posted by mdonley at 12:05 AM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

First, how are you 16 and graduating already if you are doing poorly in school? Unless poorly in your definition means, not a genius (unless, of course you are 16 going on 17, as in graduating in the year you turn 18, or skipped ahead a year..)

You mention several times that your mother worries about your self sufficience and independence in regards to living alone, but it's not one and the same, you can be independent and mature WHILE living with your parents, it's just a matter of respect, both from them and from you. As I don't know the actual circumstance of your household, I cannot judge, but most parents, whether you are 16, 24, 30, 36, etc, are worried about their children's finances. Whether you are a poor spendthrift college student or a full time worker. It's logical and understandable. They want you to be self sufficient for your sake as well as theirs.

I agree with many suggestions here, simple leaps in self sufficiency will not only help you, but your parents realize your development. Whether it's just getting up for school on your own for the rest of the term, or making your own lunches/dinner, keeping up with homework and appointments or whatnot. By developing smart habits, it leaves less for them to point out as flaws in your plans to move out and live on your own.

But, all in all, you still have some time to figure this out. Start small, start now, at 16 and who knows where you will be in a few years :)
posted by darlingmagpie at 12:23 AM on November 14, 2009

I'm 22, so it wasn't long ago that I was in your shoes, and a lot of what you're saying resonates with me. My parents were like yours in a lot of ways - they did all of the cooking, cleaning up after me, laundry, and lots more that I was perfectly capable of doing, and while it was nice that I didn't have to deal with the extra chores it also meant I lost out majorly when it came to having that bargaining chip of "Hey, I can act independently, see?" Then again, I failed to take the opportunity to change that dynamic. You still do.

Negotiations, with my parents at least, were always a big game of leverage. In my situation, I had to earn every bit of capital that I could later use in exchange for getting things my way. Capital means increasing their trust in you, proving yourself, meeting or beating their expectations. And it sucks, because they hold all of the capital and you have to earn every bit. You've realized the need for a methodical and organized approach to this already, and you should know that this in itself is a mature realization. Really.

So here's my thoughts, in addition to what's been said upthread:

- Make sure that you set goals that are realistic, and ideally sustainable. Set the bar low at first if you want, give yourself slack to see what's managable. Not to sound negative, but I feel like a lot of the advice stated in this thread would have been a bit tough on my 16-year-old self. (I never had enough money, even with a job and an allowance, to see five hundred dollars, let alone ten thousand. Sure I could have saved a bit more, but that's two different financial ballparks we're talking about. Ditto making dinner for the family, which can be difficult if you don't yet know how to fry an egg. (which, by the way, is a Google away.)) Take fifteen minutes - that's really all it will take - and do some basic calculations. Figure out a realistic savings goal, for example, and attempt to meet it. Even if you fail you're still making progress. Ditto for doing your laundry, dishes, chores, room cleaning. Don't get stuck in a loop of cleaning your act up all at once, getting lazy and letting things slip, and then thinking "woe is me, I'm never gonna clean my act up!" Don't make good gestures, make good habits, baby steps at at a time.

- With my parents, my failures took more capital out of the Savings Account of Parental Trust In Me than good deeds put in. So regardless of how strict or not-strict your parents are, avoid not only getting in trouble but showing signs of immaturity. Again, you can start small, but just try to look at situations with an analytical eye and try to tweak your behavior where you can - "I'm not going to whine about this situation - even though it sucks, there is nothing productive I can do about it." Maybe this means breaking bad habits. Maybe this just mean making your bad habits less visible to them.

- Avoid attaching individual, anecdotal incidents between you and your parents into some Grand Narrative. You say you're gifted intellectually? Don't get cocky - seriously.
Borderline Asperger's? I will admit total ignorance on this subject, but just try to not blame behavior on it that deep down inside you know is your responsibility. This is tough as hell, and something that people struggle with their whole lives. Just try to seek and acknowledge the importance of short- and long-term perspective in everything you do. You're not going to really have any idea who you are for years to come - I know I'm still learning a lot - so don't get stuck thinking in certain ways.

- Patience. Teenage years must be really hard on your parents too - try to remember that wherever you can. They're trying to grab onto a valid perspective of the situation wherever they can find it too. There were areas where my parents treated me as an equal and areas where they really treated me inappropriately. Acknowledge that you treat them inappropriately at times too, and for god's sake pick your battles. I don't know how often you fight with your parents, but every time you do it's going to be a setback, so hold your tongue and keep your temper wherever you possibly can.

And just remember, actively working on being a mature person will make you a way better person, and more enjoyable to be around for all ages. People will be more likely to be your friend, and they'll take you more seriously. When I think back to high school, I remember friends who really impressed me in retrospect, and those whose behavior I cringe at. Be who you want to be, and let that thought motivate you.

Best of luck - teenage years suck but it will get better and you are majorly on the right track here. MeFi mail me if you want.
posted by Muffpub at 12:47 AM on November 14, 2009

Here's Kant on the French Revolution, expressing a thought very similar to the one I'd like to impart to you. The French Revolution turned horrific rather quickly, leaving a lot of people disenchanted with the idea of expanding freedoms. Responding to the proposition that certain people are "not ripe for freedom", Kant says:

If one accepts this assumption, freedom will never be achieved; for one can not arrive at the maturity for freedom without having already acquired it; one must be free to learn how to make use of one’s powers freely and usefully. The first attempts will surely be brutal and will lead to a state of affairs more painful and dangerous than the former condition under the dominance but also the protection of an external authority. However, one can achieve reason only through one’s own experiences and one must be free to be able to undertake them.

The suggestions above have been very good. But for me, freedom and independence were prerequisite for becoming responsible and answerable to myself, and so the suggestion that I earn freedom by exhibiting responsibility would be moot in the case of my teenage self. (Though the same is not true of other people, surely.)

What ultimately worked in my case was resistance and open defiance. You can bet your ass that my first attempts were "brutal and ... lead to a state of affairs more painful and dangerous than the former condition under the dominance but also the protection of an external authority". But it was the only way for me to become truly adult.
posted by limon at 1:04 AM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Having skipped a couple of grades, I began university a few months after my 16th birthday. I just about scraped through, but a lot of it was wretchedly miserable (indeed, "brutal, painful, and dangerous" pretty much sums it up). I was not only a couple of years younger than everyone else, but immature even for my age, so social interactions were difficult, and I struggled with having to take responsibility for my own schedule--I wound up cutting loads of classes, and spending my time in the library reading books on everything except the courses I was actually taking. So, looking back from the perspective of many years later, the first thing I'd say is that this year is a great opportunity for you; I'm envious.

As to how you can best use this year to prepare, there's been a lot of good advice already, but just to add my penny's worth:

1. Get a job: honouring the commitment of having to show up whether you feel like it or not is a great demonstration that you won't be victim to the tyranny of mood. Even better is a job that has you working as part of a team--try not to get a job that has you working alone for long periods, because the social interactions of working are invaluable.

2. Design and execute a long-term project: Learn an instrument, write a long (50-100 page) paper on a topic that interests you, design and build a treehouse--whatever. Explain to your parents what you're going to do, let them know in the beginning what the milestones are in the project plan, and keep showing them that you're hitting the milestones. Showing your ability to be self-directed, to make realistic goals and to achieve them, should provide your parents with a lot of reassurance.

3. Start cooking meals for yourself at least a couple of times a week. Being able to plan and make healthy meals once you're on your own not only saves money compared with fast food, but it also acts as a great mood stabiliser (I think some of my early adulthood traumas could have been eased if my diet had not consisted exclusively of sugar, caffeine, and partially hydrogenated fats).

Good luck--as others have said, you have a lot going for you.
posted by muhonnin at 2:24 AM on November 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's your fairygodless mother here.

You have shown maturity in asking this question. You are at the perfect point in life to create good habits.

Brainstorm and write down a description or word picture of who you will be in one year's time when you have the skills to take care of yourself, live on your own and prosper. Try to actually visualise yourself as this person in the place you want to be, doing what you want to do, with the blessing and support of your parents.

Think about what it will take to reach that point. Breakdown liketitanic's post into a list and add to it. Then take your list of things you need to learn and develop habits for, and create a plan of action for each one.

For example, laundry. What does a mature person do about their clothes and laundry? A good habit or routine is to put clean clothes away and put dirty clothes in a specified place as soon as they come off your body and wash them regularly. Include your bed linen and bath towels etc. Bonus parent-points: incorporate some laundry from the rest of the household (learn to separate!!). This will show that you are mature enough to also care for others and share general chores. More bonus parent-points: Ask your mother for advice on doing things in ways she approves of and then do it her way. This is a shortcut that avoids friction, helping you reach your goal more easily.

Regarding the job and sleeping-in: some studies suggest that the circadian rhythms of adolescents (up to about 17.5yrs for males) function best when they are up later and can sleep in. So maybe see if you can get work that starts around 11am.

Work in customer service in a chain should give you some good work habits which are easy to learn when young, harder to adapt to in later years. They'll have strict rules and patterns of work. Learning how to play the game and 'work for the man' when young lets you move more fluidly through life. Stay the year or do not leave until you have either another job or are going to college. Sticking to things is a sign of maturity and looks good on a resume for someone your age.

Create a budget and glue yourself to it. Make it a point of pride. Use the envelope system or some other system that separates each paycheck into bills, savings and spendings before you spend any of it. Do this every time you get money. You will surprised how quickly a little savings each week build up. You will also feel the joy of being able to pay all your expenses as they are incurred. Remember that joy and let be your guide for a debt free life.

Tell your parents where you are going and when you will be back. Let them know if you will be late. Do not disrespect their concern for you. This too is a short cut for being accepted as mature and responsible.

Involve them in your learning plan and development to a point. Learn that fine line between them knowing what they need to know and them knowing too much. Don't lie to them but don't flaunt your growing maturity and independence in their face. Remember, actions speak louder than words so behave in a mature way as much as possible around your parents. This means not being drawn into arguments - find the compromise that will let you do at least some of what you want and appeases them. While you are in their house Just. Say. Yes. as much as possible and enjoy it. Your private motto could be: 'giving in means getting out'.

Spending the next year learning the basics and solid habits of being a domesticated responsible adult will be giving yourself a gift, an invaluable investment that will benefit you the rest of your days. I envy your opportunity.
posted by Kerasia at 2:47 AM on November 14, 2009

Totally do this! Spectrum or not, these are skills and habits you are going to need sooner or later and it is so much easier to get them now. If you move in with somone at a later point as well these things are going to make all your lives easier.

On the washing front, ask a parent what the household standard-operating-procedure is, to avoid friction, show that you are asking adn nterested and in case they have a good way that suits you. Find out *when* you should run your washing, you can't just jump in with your new routines on top of theirs. If I found you were running one pair of jeans and a pair of socks when I needed to run a machine of the rest of the houses laundry... well, I probably wouldn't be half as impressed as you had indended. If they don't mind how you do it, and your clothes aren't in need of gentle care, then just fling all the light stuff (up to about medium-grey) in one wash, equivelant to 100 degs F. "Quick cycle" or whatever is enough, you aren't crawling round on floors. Same for the darks or strong colours. If you get something new with strong colours, wash it by itself or with black stuff the first few times. Shake your clothes out before you hang them up so you get less wrinkles and they dry evenly. When they are dry, put them away, where they belong, not in a pile for taking care of later. Note, that (unless your parents demand it) you don't actually need to turn your clothes the right way around before washing, or drying, or putting them away. Stretch your T-shirts a little while they are wet if you find they feel thick or stiff when you put them on. You should have enough clothes that doing a light and a dark once a week is enough.

Get a cellphone, pay for it with a job. You, you, you pay the bill/card/whatever. It's one of the few bills you can actually go out and get yourself to practise with. Use the phone, together with some sort of to-do-list system (or use google calander, it sends smses). Use it to let your family know if you are delayed, etc. I don't know if this part is something you can do, but if you are somewhere (store, library, at infirm grammys) you can ring to your family and ask if the household needs anthing while you are there. "I'm in the store, thought I would check if we need milk?", "I am over at grammys, is there anything I should check on for her?". That's taking responsibility for the household too. It doesn't sound like you have any/many chores?

Make dinner once a week. Sunday dinner is a good one, you can ask your parents for the dinner cash, or request certain purchases in the main shop. Probably the easiest to pull off is a whole chicken. Throw it in the oven with some potatoes, carrots and red onions around it in the dish, and let it bake a few hours. Sauce from a package will be fine to start with. You can read up on how to know when it is done online. eHow has amazing amounts of this sort of stuff. You can eat this once a week easily. Leave the kitchen pristine after you. This is a huge present to your parents, a chilled sunday evening, and a a nice fresh monday morning would help them get a really nice start on their week I think.

First few times might be a bit chaotic, but that's why it's called learning, stick with it! You can experiment with it and learn. What happens if you put in the chicken upside down for example. You can also experiment with the left overs, make sammiges for your monday lunch, learn to make a soup from the carcasse, perhaps do a curry on tuedsay with any meat that is left...

While I would totally advise getting good/better at tidying up after yourself (if you take something out, put it back, if you set somethign down, pick it up), but my experience is that it may not be noticed. Running the dishwasher? Cool, fill it whenever, but be sure you are pressing the on-button or emptying it as your family comes in the door.
posted by Iteki at 3:44 AM on November 14, 2009

These are all great answers. I think 16 is very young. For example, a lot younger than the "typical" college entrance age of 18. I went to college at 16 and it was very difficult. I was particularly socially immature. However, I "made it through" and now, somehow, seem to be 59 years old -- with a 16-year-old son who sounds a lot like you.

I can't imagine my son going to live overseas alone (even in one or two years)! It would seem that living in a dorm someplace might be independent enough for awhile?

As for developing "responsibility", one thing I'm considering is "encouraging" my son to use his alarm clock (he relies on his father and me to wake him up and tell him when he has to leave for appointments)(and generally is very resistant to organizing himself). As has been pointed out above, time management is huge when it comes to living on one's own. If you could try to establish a routine where, every evening, you go over when you have to get up, what appointments you might have after school or on the weekends, and set the an alarm (it could be on your cell phone if you have one, or on a watch) to go off at all the right times, this would be a great habit that will benefit you no matter what you do in life.

However -- I'm not sure what your push is to go from what you consider socially immature to living by yourself in another country! But I guess that's none of my business.
posted by DMelanogaster at 4:39 AM on November 14, 2009

Heh. This sounds like something I could've written five years ago.

Definitely work to change some of their preconceptions about you (and you've had plenty of really good advice in this thread about how to do it, so I won't repeat it) - learning how to do laundry, cook, budget, etc will serve you well in life in general and really isn't that hard. I didn't learn any of this until I went to college, but if not knowing this stuff is a barrier to you going to college, then learn it first. If you think your social skills are a barrier, all I can say is that everything can be learned, even social skills, if you try. Start people-watching - I don't mean stalking, but pay attention to the people around you and how they interact. Join a club or something, perhaps, and get the hang of the introductory "Hi, I'm ..." sequence.

However: if your parents are anything like my parents, a lot of this is also anxiety about empty-nest-syndrome. They don't want to "lose" their little kid - which, in their minds, you still are - so they're trying to 'protect' you as much as they can so you stay 10 (and the more you let them, the more it reinforces their perception that you need protecting). Their concerns about use of alcohol/drugs at university campuses, taking public transport at night, and general safety paranoia will never change, as aggravating as it is. Either don't tell them what you get up to or be prepared to ignore it.
posted by Xany at 4:54 AM on November 14, 2009

I have a cousin who is 14 and diagnosed as borderline Asperger's, his parents have so many of the same concerns you do about him leaving home to go to school in the future- so they've started working on it now.

Number one, a year off between high school and university is an awesome idea period. Having the time to simply think about your next step instead of 'I have to make a decision before date x' can make a huge difference to your success later.

I second the suggestion to pick one thing at a time to change, work on it, then pick up another skill when you feel you can without dropping the first change. Also point out to your parents that you don't need to become a master chef; half a dozen decent recipes plus being able to make rice and pasta, include the occasional ready-made dish and you'll be fine. Or live in residence and get a meal plan- but still learn to cook a little at home to prove you can

Don't even TRY to reason your parents out of concerns over drugs etc. Acknowledge it and then discuss how you plan to deal with it. Show that you take them seriously- they need to feel they have been heard as much as you do.

Ask if the three of you could meet with your psych together to discuss things every few months; your parents conferencing with the psych without you might help them, but seems unfair to you.
posted by variella at 8:59 AM on November 14, 2009

I've never had a job (my parents have told me to focus on school) and I do very little "independently", though just about what I see most people my age doing (my parents cook, clean, do my laundry). I get rides to and from school on my mom's way to and from work...

Dude, starting tomorrow:

(1) Do your own laundry. Tell your mom you WANT to.
(2) Cook your own meals. Ditto.
(3) Do your own cleaning.
(4) Get a job. Any job, just for practice.
(5) Go to and from your job and school on your own every day.

Do all these things for a few months and you'll prove to everyone, including yourself, that you're fine. You'll also learn a lot of the "silly" details about cooking and laundry and such that you will need to know later.
posted by rokusan at 9:28 AM on November 14, 2009

Get a job, do your own laundry, make and stick to a budget, cook dinner for the family a couple times a week.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:02 AM on November 14, 2009

Note: In the US, "college" means closer to what "university" means in Canada. We say "going to college" for all 4-year undergraduate schools, even though some are also universities (universities have graduate programs in addition to undergrad). In the US, "community college" is what we call the lower-level schools that would be called "college" in Canada.

So you should not overlook US schools called "college" - they're often very prestigious and offer excellent educations. On average they are more expensive, but shop around. They are typically smaller than universities, between 1000 and 5000 students, and they offer more individualized attention. At a liberal arts college your professors will notice if you're missing a lot of class, and they will be able to call someone to check on you. At a university, nobody will notice, which means you'll have more freedom to screw up badly.

A lot of the major "taking care of yourself" stuff is resolved by living on campus in a campus residence/dorm. You'll have access to a dining hall with regular meals, your basic bills like "rent"/utilities will be taken care of. So you're left to handle things like getting yourself to class on time every day, keeping track of your assignments, and navigating the social world of college life.

But: If you can't successfully get yourself to class, you will have a hard time staying in school for more than a semester. The organization and motivation to get to class and keep track of assignments are essential. Many first-year students have a hard time with this, it's not just Aspberger's people. But if you feel like these things are extra-difficult for you, then that's the skill you should work on developing.

If your parents are concerned about the Aspberger's issue, note that many schools have special services for students with disabilities including learning/social disabilities. If you go to the right school you'll have a disabilities-services person who will meet with you as often as you mutually decide is needed. I know students who have much more severe trouble with staying organized/knowing what's appropriate than it sound like you have, who meet with their student-services person once a week, or in one case once every day, to touch base and be sure things are on track. This is something that you and your parents will want to look into at the schools you're applying to. What services do they offer? How familiar are they with Aspberger's, do they have a lot of students who have it, etc?
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:38 AM on November 14, 2009

For what it's worth, I'm the parent of a 20 year old.

It's true that when there's no one there to nudge you awake in the morning it may suddenly become a priority to you to get yourself up on time. Then again, it might not. Your parents have no way of knowing at this point. It sounds like you're currently showing them that you will operate at the lowest acceptable level to get by. Highly intellectual, but not doing well at school. Not pitching in at home, not working, no time management skills, no money management skills, no motivation to do much of anything that doesn't personally interest you. Unfortunately, all of the things you don't do are the baseline skills that you need to survive on your own.

It's not unheard of to be this way at 16, but it's clear that you at least have the maturity to understand their reluctance to send you off into the great unknown (and certainly help to finance your experience). I think your first step is to talk to them and tell them that you'd like to learn over the next year or two how to live independently, and you'd like to have their help in achieving that goal.

My daughter once asked for a fairly expensive gadget and told me that she'd work for it after the fact. I explained to her that the world doesn't really work that way, and that the hard work has to happen before the reward. If I want a raise at work, it won't be granted based on presenting the framework for a round of challenging and worthy objectives. Achievement of goals first. Then the payoff.

As a parent, what would probably impress me enough to consider granting your wish in a year or so would be to see you living like you would if you were on your own. Don't rely on your parents for things that you wouldn't benefit from if you were overseas. Your room is now your apartment. Your parents are now your roommates and not your first means of support. Juggle a job and school like you would overseas. Manage your money and your time. Look at it as a long-term project, and a way of testing your own resilience and finding out where your weak points are before you leave town. Show them how you'd do it, don't tell them. You'll have a much better chance of convincing them that you're ready if they can see it with their own eyes.

It sounds to me like they're at least giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that's very much in your favor. I think if you want it badly enough, you'll make it happen. Best of luck to you.
posted by contrariwise at 11:15 AM on November 14, 2009

Much excellent advice here, so I will just chime in to note one thing about the difficulty in getting yourself up in the morning. I have always had trouble getting up. I finally solved it by getting 2 alarm clocks. One is by the bed, set to news radio. That one goes off first, about 10 minutes before the second one. The second is just a loud, annoying buzzer and is situated on a dresser that I have to get up and out of bed to get to to turn off. You might try some version of that to get yourself up.

Also, re making your own food or food for the family, consider taking a basic intro. cooking class somewhere to build up a few skills.
posted by gudrun at 11:38 AM on November 14, 2009

I think you should start small. Start doing your own laundry.
posted by Ouisch at 12:27 PM on November 14, 2009