I'm such a crybaby! Is this okay??

November 9, 2009 8:22 PM

Inspired by this old question about how guys react to girls crying... I want to know, how often do you cry? Is there an "average norm" for how often most people cry?

I feel like I'm a fairly frequent crier. I go through crying spurts, probably related to stress and lack of sleep, where I cry more often than other times. Sometimes I will go weeks without crying, then it seems like suddenly I'll cry (sometimes every day!) for a short period of time before I'm suddenly just not quite as emotional. Most of the time it's stress, fear, or frustration that makes me cry.

I feel like the frequency of my crying is pretty abnormal, but I think some of this is just because in every relationship I've been in, the guy I'm with seems bewildered when I cry. Even the ladies in my family, who I'd consider really emotional people, don't cry very often (although I also don't see them all day every day, so there could be many times when they go off to shed a few tears and I wouldn't even know!) Growing up, I was told I was a crybaby often. I feel like this has become a part of my identity that I'm really insecure about, I feel really stupid every time I cry in front of someone.

Also, to be clear, by "crying" I don't necessarily mean sobbing, I just mean some tears and sniffles- usually enough to make your eyes look a little red or watery for a minute.

posted by sherber to human relations (29 comments total)

Look at it this way; It's a matter of degrees. People have a different threshold at which they begin to cry. For my girlfriend, it happens to be just about anything raises her stress level. Crying helps her decompress and relax. For me, it has to be fucking World War III, or otherwise no waterworks. So when she starts to cry, alarms start sounding in my brain that say "GET TO THE FUCKING BOMB SHELTER." My shrink actually pointed this out to me, but it really helped me cope with her crying. You should maybe point this out to the guy in your life, that you crying means something entirely different than him crying. It'll help him be a better boyfriend.
posted by orville sash at 8:28 PM on November 9 [7 favorites has favorites]

(yes, whatever frequency with which you cry is fine.)
posted by orville sash at 8:29 PM on November 9

In the last fifteen years, I can only recall crying when family members died. I cried in 1998 when my grandfather died, and in 2005 when my grandmother died.

There is a certain feeling that accompanies crying. I have never felt that feeling --- that welling up of emotion --- outside of those two events.

Other than that, I just don't cry.
posted by jayder at 8:36 PM on November 9

For me it's hormonal. At certain times of the month anything will set me off, even a TV commercial. Embrace it--it's part of who you are and how you express yourself. You're certainly not abnormal, at least in my experience.
posted by Go Banana at 8:37 PM on November 9

I am a woman. I literally did not cry once between puberty and 25. Just didn't.

The last few months, I've been crying every few weeks or so. It seems to signal being simply overwhelmed, with me. It seems okay.
posted by peachfuzz at 8:39 PM on November 9

If you found out that people who respond to your post cry more often than you do -- or that people cried less often -- what would you do with that info? Here are some stats, but I'm not seeing the problem to be solved.

Do you feel like you are emotionally out-of-control? Or that you have been made to feel as though you were, when (for all you know) you are perfectly normal? Or something else? What is the issue with crying?
posted by Methylviolet at 8:44 PM on November 9

Very rarely, although more so in the last decade when I've come to terms with some emotionally traumatic events and allowed myself the privilege of expressing sadness about them. Still, I'd say I average less than once a year.

By contrast, my partner cries freely and often when sad, angry or frustrated. It took a lot of explanation before I could be convinced by her that it didn't necessarily mean she was in deep distress, since in my family weeping in either sex is basically a sign of utter despair.

In some ways I envy her ability to get a few tears out and then cheer up. However, since this is basically completely unacceptable for men in the culture I live in, it's just as well I don't have it.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:45 PM on November 9

I really think that everyone has a different threshold that sets off tears. And every level is okay, assuming you're not crying most of the time. I personally, and I'm a girl, only cry like, 3 times a year (*excluding movies.) But when I cry, I really cry. Like I can't friggin stop. There are also moments, ninety percent of these moments are at work, when I really want to cry but I hate the idea of other people seeing me cry so I do everything I can not to. I don't like to let people see me cry. See, now I feel weird- like I don't cry enough.

I don't think there's anything to be embarassed about though. I don't think anyone is comfortable when someone else is crying. Or maybe I should say I've never heard anyone say they're comfortable when someone is crying.

*The older I get the more easily I cry at a movie. Even the feel good movies make me cry now. I never used to do this.

...If you haven't yet, don't watch Marley & Me.
posted by smeater44 at 8:45 PM on November 9

It's only a problem if, well, it's a problem. Are you crying in situations where it's not appropriate? Are you crying like during class/at work (depending on your stage in life...) and it's affecting how people are perceiving you?

Or are you just crying at night alone or whatever?

If it's the latter, no problem at all. If it's the former, AND you can't control it, AND you want to, then it's a problem.
posted by brainmouse at 8:46 PM on November 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

I would say a big part of helping your boyfriend understand what's going on is making sure that instead of trying to brush off the crying or hide it or keep silent and ashamed about it, say "Hey, I'm sorry I'm crying, I'm fine, I just had a rough day, it's nothing you did, I'll be ok in a minute."

If you just say "It's nothing," he's going to wonder "What did I do?" or "what am I supposed to do? How do I fix what's wrong?"

Make sure that your partners understand it's not a huge crisis, you just cry easily, and you'll be fine in a minute.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:47 PM on November 9

I cry pretty regularly, and like others say, it's a matter of degrees. I have always been a crier due to stress and emotions and the like, other times it's out of anger and frustration. I think that I come by it naturally because both of my parents are emotional (to the same point that I am), and I've simply inherited it. We describe it as being able to cry "at the drop of a hat". In fact my mom and her two older sisters cry often as well.

Perhaps, like me, you feel the world more than others (I also have a long and complex family history fraught with sadness and grief that does not need to be explained here). There's no set way to be. I have never once been ashamed about crying around those that I love, however I do make a point to not cry around my colleagues just because I don't want to weird them out, plus the fact that they do not know me like my loved ones do. I, too, know your insecurities about crying in front of other people and being called a crybaby growing up. My only defense has ever been, "I simply can't help it." Really, I can't.

In summation, no, you are not abnormal. You are who you are and that's something to be proud of, tears and all.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 8:56 PM on November 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

I cry rarely unless it's "that time of the month", then I get emotional watching superannuation ads on television, or get teary because I think about what a loss it was that Firefly got canceled. (You're still flying in my heart, Serenity!)

Aside from that, I don't actually weep/sob unless it has been family illness/death related or on my birthday (get very stressed out).
posted by liquorice at 9:00 PM on November 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

Actually, that's a lie, I also cry out of frustration whenever I get into heated arguments. I really dislike that because I feel like I can't be taken seriously after I start crying but I've never been able to control it.
posted by liquorice at 9:03 PM on November 9

I echo liquorice. I cry when I'm sad, angry, frustrated, upset, etc. etc etc. Crying can be in itself frustrating, as I usually don't want to be crying or think I'm crying for too trivial a reason or when I'd really prefer to be more clearly expressing something else - anger or frustration, especially, but it comes out as tears. And then I feel more upset because I feel like my anger or frustration are instead being misperceived as sadness.

So, depending on how stressed or frustrated I am, about once a week. But this is a huge average - sometimes a few times a week, others once a month or so, depending on the base level of stress.
posted by foodmapper at 9:30 PM on November 9

Ha. I've cried at operas. I've recently cried at friends' deaths. I've cried at the last episodes of both BSG and TNG (laugh it up). I've cried at break-ups. I've cried over first steps. I've cried over annoying, lump-in-throat arguments. I've cried over love letters. I've cried at sad-starving-kid commercials. I've cried over my dog's limpy leg. I've cried at surprise birthdays.

So therefore, a couple times a month.

But don't judge yourself. It's a sign that you actually feel stuff— whether happy or sad. And good on you. Communicate it, explain it to your loved one, and own it.
posted by functionequalsform at 9:35 PM on November 9

I too am a 'crybaby' and often feel like an idiot when I cry at what I feel are inappropriate times.
However, a few weeks ago I was in a special staff meeting called to honour the 2IC leaving the organisation. 2IC is kind of a scary lady, has worked very hard, demands a lot and her wrath has instigated many tears over the last 20 years. There was a big rousing speech in front of all 150 of us and before she had even stood up to accept her golden watch, I could see she was crying like a baby. She tried so hard to stop, but couldn't control herself and just stood in front of us all blubbering away. Of course everyone else (well, the ladies) got weepy too, but for some reason her extreme display of emotion was just so SO great.
It's only been a few weeks, but I think as a result I've come to terms with my crying a little bit. It's a valid reaction, is there really a need to fight it?
posted by bingoes at 9:37 PM on November 9

I'm 25, female.

I tend to tear up and the slightest mention of anyone being good to someone else. Like, moved/happy tears. This embarrasses the hell out of me and I've gotten to where I can hide it completely, unless the story/anecdote/whatever goes on in that vein for more than a few seconds. I cried, really hard, multiple times during Wall-E, for example, but if it's just something touching on This American Life and it's over in a few seconds, I'm fine.

That sort of crying has been the brunt of my tears for probably... four years or so. I think I cry maybe twice a month or something.

Prior to that I would cry a lot more, and mostly because I was sad about various things. I'd probably cry multiple times a week.

For what it's worth, I find that now I have difficulty crying even when something is very sad, and that sort of makes me feel weird. I can't cry even if I try. My dad died two years ago and I cried very little, and felt guilty when I didn't cry more. Anyway, be glad you cry as much as you do.
posted by Nattie at 9:40 PM on November 9

My crying frequency is closely tied to my menstrual cycle, and increases with stress and sleep deprivation. Also, I'm very susceptible to cry-stimulating music in movies and even advertisements. Like, I actually teared up a little while watching the trailer for that new Transformers movie (and for context - I'm an utter film snob and wouldn't deign to see that movie even if paid to do so). When I cry while watching a Visa commercial, I just chalk it up to successful manipulation and don't think too much of it. When I was in my 20s I'd always cry when confronted by authority figures (teachers, etc) but I seem to have outgrown that. xRecently I had what I think was my first experience of full on sobbing without even being aware of it or caring, which was interesting because it was about something I really had a reason to cry about. Usually I do notice my crying, with a bit of self-consciousness, so I guess having something real to cry about made the crying feel less loaded or important.
posted by serazin at 10:51 PM on November 9

I'm like a leaky tap. I cry at the drop of a hat: happy, sad, excited, joyful, desolate - humanity pretty floors me frequently but like ThaBombShelterSmith says, I'm fairly thin-skinned and just feel the world very acutely. When your emotions are dialled up to 11 most of the time, crying is an automatic release valve. But it's like clouds passing over the sun, generally not obtrusive, (no wailing!), and mostly it's ok. I do try to keep a lid on it as much as possible but people around me are mostly very understanding.

Some of us are just emotional types - embrace your tender heart!
posted by freya_lamb at 2:07 AM on November 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

The best thing I learned about this was to explain to my partner that when I cry, the only thing it indicates is that I am feeling something very strongly. It can be anything from sadness to anger to frustration to joy. There is an assumption when we see a person cry that they are sad or upset and need to be comforted; this is very often not the case.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:34 AM on November 10 [4 favorites has favorites]

I am a crier. I cry at just about everything. That Subaru Heaven commerical? Season finale of season 4 of House? Cheery text messages from friends? News articles? Oh yeah--I'll likely have to step outside for a few minutes. I'm also one of those 'frustration/anger' criers, which definitely does not help me in arguments with my parents (where pretty much showing any form of emotion is a weakness).

The level varies for me. Sometimes it's just the few little tears and sometimes it's the I-can't-breathe variety. The only way I've found to head it off at the pass is to get away from the stimulus that is causing it (going somewhere new helps, like stepping outside) and start repeating simple straight up facts. I'm wearing blue shoes. My sweater is purple. That green car has some of the foggiest headlights ever. There are two maintenance guys up in the woods playing with the compost. That damn cardinal is smacking into the window again.

And nothing else. It's just a distracting technique, but it works until I get home and usually have some memory of what happened earlier that day but then I'm at home and it's okay. Sometimes between the two situations my brain has rerouted the emotions processing or whatever and I won't cry.

My wee episodes of one or two tears occur just about every week or so (depending on what I wind up watching/doing/reading, etc) with epic sob-fests about every month. But I will say that if I'm not taking care of myself in other ways--eating poorly, not sleeping enough--it's a lot harder to focus on not-crying.
posted by sperose at 5:16 AM on November 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think of myself as a natural crybaby who’s been scared straight. I cried a lot as a kid and my family let it be known that it was Not Okay. When I do feel like crying now, the act is so humiliating and stressful that it’s often more upsetting than what made me cry in the first place and I can’t stop for hours-then feel like shit for the next few days.

It’s fucked up and totally not worth it. Crying is a natural emotional response. Who cares how often you cry-is it getting in the way of your personal or professional relationships? Can you communicate clearly the reason why you’re crying and how serious the issue is for you? Are you generally feeling unhappy or depressed? If no, who cares?
posted by dinty_moore at 7:25 AM on November 10

I think I cry more than the average person because I've learned it's my body's way of releasing stress and especially anger and feeling helpless. I used to look on it as a huge failing, especially in the business world where it's totally verboten. Now that I understand where it comes from and why it happens, I can control it better. (A quick dash to the bathroom to sit in a stall and cry for a few minutes works wonders for me.)

It's just a release. Not a moral failing. :)
posted by Mysticalchick at 7:27 AM on November 10

I used to never cry...now, as I get older, I'm finding myself more susceptible to crying for stupid reasons and often due to stress/overwork more than anything. This has launched a key teasing phrase in our house ("YOU CRY AT ELVES!") thanks to my longterm boyfriend coming downstairs to find me sobbing at some Lord of the Rings movie. He thought it was funny more so than any indication something was wrong, maybe that's just him...

I think, as some other posters have indicated, that it's more important to make it clear to the people in your life that it's nothing seriously wrong. DarlingBri and Juliet Banana are right on target.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:51 AM on November 10

I'm female, 22. I cry when I have a fight with my s.o. because of the stress and painful emotions involved. Other than that, I don't really cry in what I consider "real life" (not even when people die. I think it just happens so frequently that my default reaction is no longer "That's so upsetting!" but "How can I help my mother/s.o./whoever is telling me this be less sad?").

However, I've always been a sucker for stories. I am a story addict. I love books, good movies, and adventure video games. Anything emotional (sad or "touching") that happens in a book or a movie can make me cry, but not in the sobbing "oh god I need tissues" way that a fight can, just a couple of tears running down my face. I also cry this way if I'm upset or injured and then someone is nice to me or asks me "what's wrong?" (I would think this was a very weird reaction but I've noticed a lot of people do the same).

Anyway, I think whatever level of crying you do, unless you feel that it's somehow related to terrible feelings and/or depression, is perfectly fine and normal.
posted by audacity at 8:17 AM on November 10

I just wanted to agree that crying signifies feeling something deeply, but does not always indicate sadness. I am often moved by stories I hear, read, or watch. NPR does an interesting segment and I see something touching in it? I cry. I hear an inspirational speech? I cry. I am upset by a personal matter? I, you guessed it, cry. I don't think there really is a "normal" or "abnormal" amount of tears, unless it is interfering with your daily life. There are going to be times when you cry and don't want to (an upsetting conversation at work, for example) or when you are truly heartbroken about something, so occasionally crying when you feel its out of place or when you feel bad may happen, but unless you are bursting into tears when you hear someone's lunch order or the cashier tells you it's $1.50 for your coffee, I think you have nothing to worry about.
posted by katemcd at 9:48 AM on November 10

After my crush in 2nd grade saw me bawl my eyes out from my rollerblading accident, tears didn't come for a long time after. The only girl I ever cried over was a girl I met while abroad and was on the plane already back to the US back in 2005. She was definitely something else. No one else yet despite all the girlfriends.

Actually, I take that back.

Watching Susan Boyle's video on youtube where the entire crowd is laughing at her dreams to be a singer, and then she floors them all with her singing performance is fairly a reliable way to evoke an emotional, borderline teary reaction out of me. Something about being ridiculed and mocked and not letting that interfere with ones dreams inspires me on a level I don't see often enough.
posted by liquoredonlife at 10:47 AM on November 10

I'm a 53 year old woman that cries whenever it needs to happen. It is some sort of a relief for me, for whatever reason, stress, being sick, troubles with my man, I also cry when I'm happy, I cry when I laugh real hard. Heartfelt movies bring on the drips also, I use to hide them because of embarassment, but not any more. I cut loose now. Crying is good, it is a wonderful phenomenon given to us as a gift. Check out this website, . Whoa! You can find just about anything on the WWW. LL
posted by LindaLou21356 at 11:44 PM on November 10

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Start-Crying-For-No-Reason/252566

Copy and Paste

The link didn't work in my previous post, go figure...That makes me want to cry.
or click

posted by LindaLou21356 at 11:47 PM on November 10