I am at the end of my rope. Is there any hope for this guy?

November 9, 2009 2:21 PM

I am at my wit's end with this relationship. What's left?

Hi y'all,

After quite a while of lurking, I've given in and decided to join. (This is a wonderful community that I'm glad to be a part of!)

I hate to start off with a long RelationshipFilter question, but I think an objective, outside perspective on this situation might be helpful.
I have been dating BF for ten months now. BF is an uber-science nerd, an MD/PhD with little to no relationship experience, whereas I am a bit of a serial monogamist and keep finding myself in long-term relationships despite myself.

We are extremely different, which is not in itself a dealbreaker. He is as practical, rational, and emotionally clueless as I am dreamy and poetic. He likes to stay in, I'm more social. We had been friends for a while before dating, so we enjoy each other's company and appreciate each other's senses of humor. Plus, if I may say so, he is the first person not myself or a little red bullet to bring me to orgasm. So, um, that is nice. ;)

However, his overall emotional insensitivity is reaching baffling, upsetting heights, so much so that I am contemplating giving up. I've tried communicating my issues openly and clearly, without yelling, crying, or being irrational (I hope), but as of this post, nothing has changed enough.

He can be abrasive and very opinionated. I work in publishing and am thinking of humanities grad programs (another post!), while he wants me to succeed but can't understand why anyone would go into a non-science or economics field. He tries but doesn't seem to really care about what I do or understand what drives me, which saddens me.

He has claimed that he "doesn't really feel things," which, since he is not a robot, can't literally be true. But, it's pretty extreme.

Case in point: I, on the other hand, had a particularly brutal day on which my apartment was robbed AND an acquaintance of mine passed away, tragically and young. I came to him for comfort and support and he stared at me blankly, asking why I was getting so upset. This did not make me feel better. It was only when I started sobbing that he paid attention.

Another sore spot has been other women, unfortunately. I have been cheated on before in prior relationships, so, despite myself, I probably lean on the insecure side. Quite a few women seem interested in him, and he does not do a good job of acting disinterested. The other night, a friend and I were discussing past heartbreak, and he chimed in with, "Oh, do I count as someone who has cheated on you?" .....Cue awkward and puzzled looks from my friend and me. (Poor friend has never been so uncomfortable in her life.)
When I retorted, "I don't know.....do you?", he said he was making a joke. ?
Later that evening, he spent an entire party chatting up one single girl (to whom he did introduce me as his girlfriend, admittedly), which is not in itself a huge offense. But on the heels of that earlier remark, and of so much prior emotional stupidity, it did not please me.

I have tried explaining that other girls wouldn't concern me if I felt better about *us*. That, when feeling insecure, all I needed was a, "Don't worry about other girls, I'm happy with YOU" or some such thing.
Instead, what he said was, "I am sometimes tempted by other girls, but I don't act on it." EPIC FAIL. I almost walked out then and there.
Even if that is true (and sure, we know it probably is), who would say that at a moment like this? Moreover, isn't there a difference between looking at hot models or passers-by and being "tempted" by people?

I have gotten him to admit that emotions confuse him, that he loves being with me but doesn't know where it's going, that he is not cheating (which I feel I must believe), and that he is not consciously trying to make me jealous or play manipulative games. I even saw him tear up when he realized how badly hurt I feel. But nothing has changed.

MeFites, the heart of it is that I am exhausted and feel small. I consider myself a patient person but have never felt so sad and let down by someone to whom I give so much time and energy and care. I have never had a previous relationship like this. What would you do if you were me at this point? Is there anything left to save?

Thanks for the read. :)

posted by bookgirl18 to human relations (54 comments total)

I am exhausted and feel small. I consider myself a patient person but have never felt so sad and let down by someone to whom I give so much time and energy and care.

This sounds like a terrible way to live. We seek out relationships in order to make our lives better, don't we? It sounds like this one is doing nothing but making your life worse.

You can't fix him. It does sound like he needs some fixing, but you can't do it.
posted by something something at 2:28 PM on November 9 [7 favorites has favorites]

What would you do if you were me at this point?

If I were not too emotionally exhausted to think clearly, I would conclude that he's not emotionally intelligent or mature enough to be in a relationship, and that he doesn't make me feel better about myself, or bring me comfort or joy when I need it. And I would end the relationship. This is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't invest any more energy in this.
posted by Dasein at 2:34 PM on November 9 [12 favorites has favorites]

I think the question of whether there's anything left to save is up to you.. Is there? The only positive thing you wrote about the relationship was,

we enjoy each other's company and appreciate each other's senses of humor. Plus, if I may say so, he is the first person not myself or a little red bullet to bring me to orgasm. So, um, that is nice. ;)

Is there more to it?
posted by jon1270 at 2:34 PM on November 9

I think that this is more than a "He's in the lab, I'm picking daisies, we just don't GET each other!" conundrum. It sounds like the both of you have some communication issues, which can be difficult to resolve without outside help if you're both stuck in your ways, and will not resolve themselves on their own.
posted by scarykarrey at 2:36 PM on November 9

Sounds like you aren't getting all of your needs met. You aren't going to be able to change your boyfriend.

Trust me, there are plenty of brainy men who are good in the sack *and* can be reassuring, passionate and give you the emotional support you need.

I'd say time to cut him lose and spend your energies on someone who gives you somethign in return.
posted by pluckysparrow at 2:38 PM on November 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

Welcome to Metafilter.

You can't fix him. And anyway, you have some work to do for/on yourself. As long as you're focusing your energy on fellas who are almost good enough (or total jerks), you won't be devoting enough energy to yourself.

Being single for a while might be really good for you, both to build up some strength, and to deeply consider what you want in a romantic relationship.

He might be a fabulous guy, but I promise, he's not the right guy for you, if you're feeling exhausted and small.
posted by bilabial at 2:39 PM on November 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

There's a saying: Don't go to the hardware store for milk.

Your boyfriend might be a great hardware source but it sounds like he can't give you milk, even if he used to. If you really need your boyfriend to provide milk, you might need to find a different one. If you can get your milk elsewhere and can be satisfied with getting hardware from your boyfriend, you might not have to.

The only part of this relationship you can fix, if you want to, is your assumptions about what his role in your life should be. Changing him isn't something you should bank on (and it's a little disrespectful anyway. Who wants to date someone who says you're Doing It Wrong about something as basic as emotions?)

I don't think anyone here can tell you if you should break up but some questions to ponder:
Does your boyfriend have good qualities outside of bed? (Would it help to write down 10 of them every morning just as a way to look at him with a positive outlook?) Are you expecting him to be your everything in the emotional support department? (Which he's obviously not up for.) Or is he straight up emotionally unavailable, which isn't okay with you? If so, he won't change. So what are you going to do about it? Work around it? Or find someone else?
posted by small_ruminant at 2:42 PM on November 9 [5 favorites has favorites]

I think he has Asperger's or he simply lacks social understanding. He believes that by definition you should be secure because he is still with you and has not cheated. As a scientist he takes a very analytical approach to problem solving even when that problem is a death or a traumatic event. To him, he says to himself, "Can I make this person undead? No, so I must move on."

I think he likes and wants you, but you will always be uncomfortable because of the significant difference in your thought process from his.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 2:43 PM on November 9 [23 favorites has favorites]

To JohnnyGunn you listen.
posted by Melismata at 2:43 PM on November 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

I have several friends like this. I'm a lot like this myself.

There's, frankly, nothing that can change his attitude or emotionally educate him. He's not only this way by nature, but has chosen to reinforce it by choice of profession. As much as he has no innate understanding of emotion, he doesn't want to understand either--he wishes it would all just go away.

If he's incapable of giving you the support you need, you should break up with him. He hasn't done anything wrong, per se, so this isn't really a DTMFA situation. It's just that he's not giving you what you need, and so the situation is untenable.

And it's not going to get better. I'd tell you to put him in therapy, but he's going to refuse, and then resist. So that wouldn't even help.
posted by Netzapper at 2:44 PM on November 9 [5 favorites has favorites]

This part: we enjoy each other's company and appreciate each other's senses of humor. Plus, if I may say so, he is the first person not myself or a little red bullet to bring me to orgasm..... combined with everything else you said, especially the part about not being there for you in your time of grief, makes me think that this is someone to have good times with now and then but who is not equipped to provide the kind of mental and emotional support you're supposed to be able to expect from a partner.

So maybe he would have been ok for a friends-with-benefits situation, but he is not boyfriend material at this time, or maybe ever.
posted by amethysts at 2:44 PM on November 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

You can't fix him. It does sound like he needs some fixing, but you can't do it.

I dunno. This sounds more like a case of two people just being maybe a little too incompatible than one where someone needs 'fixing'. For one, the dude is a scientist, and you can hardly blame him for being stoic under typically emotionally-charged situations. I totally get why someone who is deeply entrenched in biology or physics or philosophy to be somewhat "meh" when someone dies. Everyone is really different on the emotional front.

It also sounds like you're being a bit nuts, no offense. Being paranoid about infidelity, especially when rooted in past hurts, can really make one the crazypants person in a relationship (lest we forget Othello). Often the more paranoid you are about him cheating and the more you bring it up the more likely he is to cheat - I mean, he thinks you already think he is, right? So no harm no foul?

It also seems like you want his emotion-scape to be the same as yours. 10-months is around that time when things - as they get deeper and more comfortable - also tend to get a little more sticky as things surface. It's fine to want someone more similar to yourself, but don't try to mold this guy into what you want emotionally. You can either, knowing that no relationship is perfect, work through this together or both decide the rift is to large and its better to go your separate ways.

"I am sometimes tempted by other girls, but I don't act on it" What an incredibly reasonable thing to say! Monogamy is sort of a myth, and we all look at people outside of our relationship and think, "damn. wouldn't mind getting stuck in an elevator with THEM." I mean, he doesn't act on it, right, so what more could you want? Consider yourself lucky for having a straight-forward, honest relationship.

YMMV. Whatever happens, best of luck and welcome to metafilter.
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:45 PM on November 9 [10 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, I'm not really sure why everyone is assuming that this guy is a douchebag who can't be fixed. Whatever happened to simply deciding that you're incompatible and moving on to someone who will fulfill your needs, and allowing him to move on to someone who doesn't have as many needs to meet? Cut the guy some slack.
posted by scarykarrey at 2:47 PM on November 9 [4 favorites has favorites]

You can't get through a humanities grad program without somebody who supports you and believes in what you do.

He's not the only guy who can give you orgasms, and some of those other guys can probably give you the emotional support you need, too. Get out of this relationship and start looking for them.
posted by besonders at 2:49 PM on November 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

Right now, based on what you say, there does not seem to be a non-painful choice in this situation, therefore I would choose the pain of breaking up over the pain of staying in what simply seems to be a bad fit of a relationship. This is because the pain of breaking up is highly likely to lead to new possibilities (and not just romantic) in a host of ways that you literally cannot imagine at this moment. The pain of staying put has a low likelihood of leading to a host of new possibilities; more likely, it will lead to variations on the same theme of feeling exhausted and small.

A few random observations:

- Pop songs and romantic comedies and chick lit are predicated on the pretty lie that love will always be enough. But love, in and of itself, is not enough to make and sustain a healthy relationship. ("A sense of humor," "great sex," and "stuff in common" aren't enough, either.) Two people can genuinely love each other, while still being simply unable to find a mutually happy, productive way forward. Often, no one is The Bad Guy. This is not a particularly rare situation, but that doesn't make it any less sad.

- Similarly, love is not enough to fix or save someone. Moreover, it is not your responsibility to fix or save them, just as it is not their responsibility to fix or save you.

- Breaking up can be scary and will hurt for awhile, maybe quite awhile, AND STILL can be the most healthy, necessary option. You will miss the person you broke up with, and will miss the familiarity of having him around. All this missing will not necessarily mean you made a mistake.

- A basic mindset that will serve you well is that you deserve good things in your life and you want to be in charge of finding and creating them for yourself. Your support system should be composed of people who will back you up on this quest.

- From one serial monogamist to another: the best thing I ever did was take a break from dating for a couple of years while I pared my relationship baggage down from a steamer truck to a small carry-on. The second best thing I ever did was to read this.
posted by scody at 2:49 PM on November 9 [22 favorites has favorites]

Like most people above said, it sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible. I get it, I'm married to someone with a highly developed emotional barometer and need that out of a relationship. I think JohnnyGunn hits the nail on the head btw. Go find someone who can meet your emotional needs.
posted by Kimberly at 2:50 PM on November 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

a steamer trunk, even.
posted by scody at 2:50 PM on November 9

Unless an actual medical diagnosis has been made, never attribute to Aspergers or other disorders that which can be more easily explained as your boyfriend just being a jerk.
posted by The World Famous at 2:51 PM on November 9 [11 favorites has favorites]

If I were you, I would weigh the good things about the relationship vs the bad. The thing is, I can't think of anythign at all that would outweigh, or even balance out, "makes me feel small".

You have communicated with him, you have told him what your needs are and how to meet them, and nothing is improving. I think there is a difference between expecting a certain level of growth from your partner and accomodation of your needs and actually changing someone. Growth and compromise are things that you can talk about and come to decisions about together, based on a mutual desire to make each other happy. But when you get to the point where no amount of communication is getting the other person to understand where you are coming from and want to meet your needs, then that's going into "this person needs to change" territory. And to be honest, once you come to that conclusion I think it's a good sign that this is not the person for you. I don't see healthy relationships as being about changing your partner, because if you need to do that then there are some very fundamental incompatibilites going on.

In your shoes I would move on and seriously consider being single for a good while, in order to focus more on myself and creating my own happiness. Good luck :)
posted by DrGirlfriend at 2:52 PM on November 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

Based on the context of the heartbreak conversation it sounds like you were talking about ex-boyfriends which might have hit a nerve? Maybe I'm not as emotionally mature but a lighthearted night out usually doesn't involve talking about past relationships. His "joke" might have just been him snapping at being uncomfortable.

It sounds like you're trying to get more from the relationship than he's willing to give. I'd probably end it because down the line either your insecurity or his ambivalence is going to lead to someone cheating.
posted by laptolain at 2:52 PM on November 9

Have you forgotten what it feels like to be with someone who doesn't make you feel small? If I can be allowed a prediction? Some day you will remember (or know for the first time) what this feels like, and you will wonder why you put up with anything else.
I have been there. Oh, I have! Love is not enough. Love does not conquer all. You need "love plus." You can love someone but that someone may not be a good life partner for you. What is the "plus" in love plus? Almost always, it is kindness. It is having a safe harbor.
posted by Knowyournuts at 2:58 PM on November 9 [4 favorites has favorites]

Emotional unavailability, emotional stinginess, whatever you want to call it, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. (yes, I know where that saying came from) It's heartbreaking and difficult to break off but will give you a chance to find someone with whom you can find some genuine emotional satisfaction.
posted by lois1950 at 3:03 PM on November 9

What would you do if you were me at this point?

Respectfully, if I were you, I'd try and figure out what is it about my "serial monogamist" self that makes me want to try and have a serious relationship with a guy who is very clearly mismatched for me with regards to what I want and need from a serious relationship.

The fact that you enjoy each other's company and enjoy each other's senses of humor suggests that he's not some monster. But it seems to me that instead of trying to change what seems to be the guys whole personality, it'd just be alot easier to find someone else who can meet more of your needs than this guy does.
posted by 23skidoo at 3:10 PM on November 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

He has claimed that he "doesn't really feel things,"

This, in my experience, is a preemptive excuse to act without empathy. I avoid such people.
posted by grouse at 3:13 PM on November 9 [16 favorites has favorites]

"Oh, do I count as someone who has cheated on you?"

data point: I said something very similar to someone who constantly thought I was cheating or on the verge of it. I am sure he thinks I cheated on him (I didn't) and I am pretty sure he thinks I left him for whoever I was cheating with. No. I left because I was tired of being accused of sleeping around.

In other words, I am sure I DO count as someone who has cheated on him. My guess is that your boyfriend is frustrated with the jealousy.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:14 PM on November 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

I married this guy, or a similar variant. Not quite as bad, but similar enough. Similar relationship histories, too.

Let him go. He's not going to change. There are lots of great lovers in the world and you'll find someone else who is smart and wonderful and makes your toes curl, too.

The lack of emotional support does not grow in with time and it fucking sucks to be left twisting in the wind when you need it most. As you already know.

My husband is a wonderful man in many, many ways, and by the Dear Abby standard ("Are you better off with him than without him?") I'm not planning on getting divorced any time soon. But let me tell you, the absence of emotional support is awful and almost inevitably makes any bad situation feel worse, absolutely excruciating.
posted by Sublimity at 3:17 PM on November 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

What is important to you is not important to him. This will never, ever stop hurting until you can make yourself not care. And that's not what you want to do. You need emotional support, you ask for it, he not only doesn't give it, he acts like you're wrong to need it. You want reassurance from him and not only does he not give it, he acts like you're wrong to need it. There's a pattern here. He's not only not even trying to meet your needs, he's trying to make them not exist. This is no way to live. Even being alone is better than being with someone who does this to you; I am out of a long relationship just like this and it's like I'm coming back to life, even with all the downsides of being single again.
posted by lemniskate at 3:22 PM on November 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

Think of it this way: You are dating Spock.

If you don't think you could be satisfied longterm with Spock, then, unfortunately, this relationship is going nowhere.

On the bright side, he should handle your breaking up with him calmly.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:25 PM on November 9 [15 favorites has favorites]

DTMFAspergers...

After your case in point my mind was screaming Aspergers (but IANAD), or some other mild social disorder, but regardless of diagnosis, it seems like you two are just not compatible enough to last the long haul. In good times, I think you can accept and ignore the differences in the way he acts relative to the way you want/need your partner to act, but when stress comes knocking, things are going to be awful.

But to his credit, he's honest with you, to a fault maybe, but still very very honest: "I am sometimes tempted by other girls, but I don't act on it." That's real honesty right there, and he respects you enough to say it. Maybe he just doesn't know any other way, but if you decide to stay with him and try to work it out, that level of honesty can be a really strong building block. IF you can stand to hear it.

If you want the occasional sugar-coating that most of us need from time to time, it seems that you should be looking elsewhere.
posted by dnesan at 3:29 PM on November 9

I'm not really sure why everyone is assuming that this guy is a douchebag

I think he's a douchebag for dismissing your career path and aspirations. I think he's a douchebag for dismissing your being upset after serious setbacks. The other stuff might just be his way, but this stuff strikes me as actively rude.

If you want to go out with someone who makes you feel small, dismisses your career path and aspirations, and instead of comforting you when something horrible happens to you treats you like a specimen under a microscope, go for it--it's a free country.

That sounds just horrible to me, but I can imagine someone for whom he would be the ideal partner. It doesn't sound like it's you, though.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:30 PM on November 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

Him: Feelings confuse me. I don't emote. I don't think I feel things.

Her: You're emotionally clueless. You aren't sensitive to my feelings.

Him. Um, yeah.

Her: I'm so let down.


He's told you quite plainly that he's not capable of of the kind of sensitivity you need.

It's painful - torture practically, this business of needing something badly and not getting it. But it's more painful - and exhausting - to try to wrangle something out of someone that they just don't have. As long as you're beating your head against this particular wall, you're going to feel diminished and sad. And your head will feel all bloody, too.

Accept that your needs and his abilities are in direct opposition to each other and leave. Seems like that's your best shot at happiness.
posted by space_cookie at 3:54 PM on November 9 [5 favorites has favorites]

Aside from all of the other issues, please take it from me: Don't stay in a relationship solely (or almost-solely) because of good sex. I promise, he will not be the only person who is able to satisfy you, AND, you can take note of what he did that worked and guide future partners in that direction (if they need it!).

Also, after you have moved forward past this relationship, this should help with the processing and struggle to find meaning in it; you can be thankful to this man for adding depth to your sexual life.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 3:55 PM on November 9

I work in publishing and am thinking of humanities grad programs (another post!), while he wants me to succeed but can't understand why anyone would go into a non-science or economics field. He tries but doesn't seem to really care about what I do or understand what drives me, which saddens me.

I don't know what he really means, but I think it is possible you are misunderstanding this. A phd, while it can be ultimately rewarding, is a terribly grueling experience with not-so-great prospects at the end. The academic job market is in general not good at all right now. It is abysmal in the humanities. As someone who already has one, he is probably well aware of this, but this is something that can be extremely difficult to convey people who haven't been there. (Basically, everyone looks at placement rates and assumes that they'll be the ones in the 30% that get a tenure track job or whatever.) I'm honestly not sure whether I would advise a younger me to get one (in a social science) even though I know for a fact that it has worked out well for me.

I guess what I mean to suggest is that his apparent lack of support for this may well be the kind of equivocal reaction you get about grad school from just about anyone who has done it recently.
posted by advil at 3:55 PM on November 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think he's a douchebag for dismissing your career path and aspirations. I think he's a douchebag for dismissing your being upset after serious setbacks. The other stuff might just be his way, but this stuff strikes me as actively rude.

Agreed. And then there's the weird pseudo-joke about cheating on you?? I have a pretty out-there sense of humor; I'll happily make jokes about Hitler or dead people or whatever, given the right audience. But I would never ever make a joke about cheating to someone I was dating, in front of other people. (Well, maybe I would, if the joke made sense and was funny, and came off as something other than a bizarre mindfuck.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:01 PM on November 9

the heart of it is that I am exhausted and feel small

That is not likely to change. If you wish to feel this way indefinitely, then continue the relationship.

I ... keep finding myself in long-term relationships despite myself.

This is your chance to break from that tradition. You have options. Get away from the dating scene entirely for awhile. Rest your mind. Relieve your stress. Enjoy walks in the forest or on the beach. Put your nose in some good books you've been putting off, and your ears in the music you've missed.

When you are ready to rejoin the dating merry-go-round do it without the goal of finding another long-term situation. Do it for fun, relaxation, and enjoyment. Feel free to be entirely you without worries about pleasing anyone else. Over time, eventually the "right one" will find you without you having to try so hard. Just let it happen naturally.
posted by netbros at 4:09 PM on November 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

This is a clash of personalities and expectations as well as communication style. I will say this as having been with someone who's said and done pretty much exactly all the things your guy has and in a frighteningly similar manner, short answer is: Bail. You're expecting/wanting something he can't give unless he fundamentally changes his personality or you learn to be happy with his behavior. There isn't any gray areas, acknowledgement or compromising with a guy like this, and he'll continue to make you feel more and more exhausted and smaller until you're wondering how you got to be with this person to begin with and in the aftermath spend a lot of time building yourself back up again into realizing you weren't the crazy weirdo he was trying to make you out to be.
posted by kkokkodalk at 4:12 PM on November 9

space_cookie sums it up pretty darn well.

He is who he is, and he'll still be that same guy tomorrow, and next week, and next year. I don't think he necessarily sounds like a bad guy, per se, but he definitely doesn't sound like the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with.

So why are you in a relationship with him?
posted by ook at 4:26 PM on November 9

You've described my husband. My husband doesn't have Asperger's. He's just very well-defended. And I am on my way out the metaphorical door. I could tell you my story, but I'll cut to the chase:

Get. Out. Now. Before It's Too Late.
posted by pocket_of_droplets at 4:28 PM on November 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

Instead, what he said was, "I am sometimes tempted by other girls, but I don't act on it." EPIC FAIL.

So what you want is someone who will lie to you? I mean seriously, he lives in a real world with other people. Monogomy is not a promise not to fancy the pants off other people; it's a promise not to take their pants off.

This guy clearly has many good qualities, but that doesn't mean he's a good match for you. It's equally clear he is not because he cannot satisfy your most basic emotional needs. What more do you really need to know? It's sad but true: love is not enough. Move on, go love someone else.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:42 PM on November 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think it is possible you are misunderstanding this

It's certainly possible, but I have heard many people say "The humanities and the social sciences are complete wastes of time, and smart people should either do hard science or acknowledge that they're wasting their time." So it seems very possible to me that bookgirl18's boyfriend said more or less exactly that.

Have you really never heard this? Because it seems pretty frequent.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:17 PM on November 9 [4 favorites has favorites]

So many good comments here. My additional thoughts: 1) He may be a great guy for someone else, but not for you. 2) In my experience, great relationships are easy from the start, in the sense that you click and are deeply comfortable when you meet the right person. If you already have that kind of connection, you're able to do the hard work that all relationships entail. But if you have up front trouble connecting, that is usually a very clear sign that the relationship is really not meant to be. 3) Next time, you will probably do better with someone whose interests overlap more with yours.
posted by bearwife at 5:31 PM on November 9

Good sex is a process. Scientists do well with process-oriented thinking.

If process-oriented thinking in all aspects of your personal and emotional life doesn't interest you, you need to break up with him and find someone who doesn't treat you as a puzzle to be solved. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you-- it just means that he likes you *and* finds your behavior unusual, worthy of comment, and subject to dispassionate observation as he tries to figure out what the expected reactions are.

Also, the "A" in DTMFA doesn't stand for "Asperger's," it stands for "already." Let's not go throwing stones at a guy who doesn't have and may not need a diagnosis.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 5:42 PM on November 9

I am exhausted and feel small. I consider myself a patient person but have never felt so sad and let down by someone to whom I give so much time and energy and care.

Yep, time to move on. Relationships don't even need to be bad to not be good.
posted by davejay at 6:04 PM on November 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

I am exhausted and feel small. I consider myself a patient person but have never felt so sad and let down by someone to whom I give so much time and energy and care.

That's how this works, and he's not going to be able to suddenly change this about himself, just as you can't change your (entirely reasonable) need for empathy and sensitivity.

Speaking as someone else who had this issue in an otherwise great relationship with someone who wanted to commit all the way: I decided it was better to be alone (for however long), than to be lonely in a marriage.
posted by availablelight at 6:21 PM on November 9

I'll chime in as also agreeing with JohnnyGunn.
posted by Bergamot at 9:04 PM on November 9

My ex-husband used to watch with great emotional detachment when I would cry if he'd upset me, as though he was watching something as dispassionate as a dairy farm documentary. That said, sexually and socially we were very compatible, so I thought this was "just him being robotic" as you yourself are describing your boyfriend.

Sometimes I would cry so hard I'd vomit. His response? "Don't show me your weakness, it disgusts me." This is VERBATIM. He never became upset, just visibly annoyed.

Your description of yourself and your boyfriend are so perilously close to how I described the two of us I almost couldn't believe it. Reading this question is like reading... an imprint of my old life.

It's not going to get better. He's not going to change. Other boys will make you orgasm.

The only thing left to decide is how much longer you want to be unhappy, i.e. stay with him in this relationship. Even if it takes years, there is someone better for you in the world. And being alone is preferable to low-level daily suffering at someone else's whimsy but you already realize that, you just need us to remind you, right?.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:06 PM on November 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

This is a guy who needs blunt, clear, specific information-- and lots of it-- in order to make good decisions, let alone major changes.

In all seriousness, show him this AskMe posting, along with all the responses it gathers. Then, before you make any big decisions yourself, discuss this posting with him, in grueling detail.
posted by darth_tedious at 9:20 PM on November 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

Asperger's. Jude and Sue from "Jude the Obscure".

And from what I understand it is a fairly young relationship too, way before the real trouble starts.

One thing about the Syndrome: you can expect complete and brutal honesty in all aspects. Except where the person considers truth to be a threat to his need to have flexibility and (often passive aggressive) control: then they lie with no remorse (but probably believe the lies are true, too).

The chance of him "cheating" by one-sidedly allocating relationship time to something that would need a long and well-thought justification for a neurotypical (but none for an Aspie), with a gadget and/or full immersion into the special interest is much higher than cheating with another girl. The flirting happens because Aspies do not really differentiate between a family member, a girlfriend and any girl: the same mode of communication can be applied to any of them. In fact, the Aspie-NT couples that do work out for a long haul would cite fidelity as one of the best characteristics of Asperger's.

My advice would be to leave. If you need to study it to believe us, then wrongplanet.net forums is the place.

Also, what darth_tedious says above.
posted by Jurate at 4:49 AM on November 10

Asperger's.

Jesus, can we stop with this knee-jerk reaction?

By constantly claiming to see asperger's/autism in every cool-headed jerk, we are doing far more to ENABLE these fools than to comfort their victims.

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posted by General Tonic at 7:59 AM on November 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

Thanks, everyone, for the insightful and thoughtful responses. So far, so good with the joining of the Metafilter.

I should mention that Asperger's has occurred to me before. In fact, he told me yesterday that he is going to a professional to see about a (possible) diagnosis. This is just to clarify that yes, it's come up and no, it's not an unwarranted claim.

I don't think he's a terrible evil jerkface - far from it. Just probably not a guy who can make me happy.

Thanks again. :)
posted by bookgirl18 at 8:19 AM on November 10

"I am sometimes tempted by other girls, but I don't act on it." EPIC FAIL.

Actually, that' the way you're casting it. What he's saying is true of many people in many successful relationships. He hasn't phrased it in a way you like, but from the sound of his personality, brutal honesty is to be expected. If anything you could probably put money on a guy like that being actually incapable of hiding cheating if he ever did do it.

Sounds to me that's the way he is. You want him to be some other way for no good reason other than to say sentences the way you want to hear them, well, maybe you're the one who should work on that, deciding if it's something you can live with or something you can't.
posted by Cuppatea at 8:35 AM on November 10

Yes, I think the OP has expectations that she expects her boyfriend to mindread. This is going to be a problem in every relationship she has (but in this one times 10).

I have some sympathy for the guy because there have been a couple of relationships where I felt the other person had a script I'd never received. He'd get put out when I didn't answer questions correctly. The one about "all I need is you"? It wouldn't have occurred to me not to answer as the OP's boyfriend answered. I do not have Aspergers AND I'm female. Socially clueless? Apparently yes. That example can't be pinned on Aspergers or gender.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:38 PM on November 10

you sound fatally incompatible. He's disinterested in your dreams. You need more emotional support than he can provide. You need someone who understands and practices empathy. Dump him. If you were great friends, dump him, but still meet up for coffee once a month. Romantically, partnerwise it's time to move on.
posted by WeekendJen at 1:16 PM on November 10

fairytale of los angeles: writing "DTMFAspergers" was partly tongue-in-cheek, but I did go on to note that I'm not a doctor, and that it was merely my opinion that he had Aspergers or some other social disorder. I'm not sure how saying that is "throwing stones", but it's all in the eye of the beholder. Also, as a scientist, thanks for the vote that I'm probably good at sex.

I actually think that a really good piece of advice came from darth_tedious, because your guy seems like exactly the type of person who would not at all be offended or defensive about this and would calmly discuss the issue. But if you just want to head for the door, it's clear that no one here will fault you.
posted by dnesan at 9:28 PM on November 10