Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully.

November 9, 2009 10:41 AM

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully. Can it be done?

I've known a guy for a total of 8 months, starting off initially as friends, but not very close at all. We are part of the same social circle and participate in a group activity together very regularly. Over time we became closer friends, flirted a hell of a lot, and eventually began a relationship.

Said relationship lasted about 2 months, when his behavior changed dramatically towards me. He made a lot of comments about "being friends" and has obviously been avoiding me. I asked him what was up and got a "I like you a lot, but not in that way" speech, which I expected. I'm okay with this. I'm pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere, but I still felt a little heartbroken and rejected nonetheless, so I've been avoiding him. It's been about 3 weeks now since this happened, and I'm over it and just want to go back to the way things were before.

So we're still part of the same social circle/group activity and are around each other pretty regularly, and he's obviously avoiding me. I'm just trying to be friendly, but it seems he doesn't want to talk to me unless it involves "business" about the group activity. He's done a few jerk things (imo), such as mentioning screwing another chick, in my presence.

I don't know if with the way he is acting that it is possible to go back to just friends or if he even wants to. I can't see anything I did that would make him not want to be friends with me at all. I'm really trying to play it cool as I can't really avoid him entirely. A friend who is aware of the situation thinks he feels bad about the situation, and I remind him of that, so that is why he's avoiding me. If age matters, we're in our mid-late 20's.

So, is it even possible? Is there something I can do to help this along? He is a cool dude, that I like spending time with, and I'm not so good at making close friends, so I don't want to lose one if I can help it. But if it seems like it's a no go, then damnit.

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

Time is your friend here.

You seem like a cool person also, so I think that once the bruises heal, this friendship will be good for you both again.
posted by Danf at 10:46 AM on November 9

Yeah I think you've already lost this friendship to be honest. I would pretty much mirror his behavior, minus the assholeness. If he only talks to you about "business" do the same. Be civil, but nothing more. Say hello to him, say goodbye to him, and then only what is absolutely necessary. When he stops being an asshole you can warm up a bit to him, but his behavior is really unnecessary and just kind of mean. Unfortunately, it is pretty common so don't feel bad and move on.
posted by whoaali at 10:49 AM on November 9 [2 favorites]

Is the theoretical friends to more-than-friends back to friends possible? Yes, absolutely. Many people have had it happen (including me).


Will it happen HERE? That's much harder to know. Especially since you don't even know if he wants to be friends. But you two didn't really have a serious relationship -- you dated for 2 months. It's possible that he broke up with you because he doesn't like you "in that way" and it's possible he just doesn't enjoy spending time with you very much (which isn't equivalent to he hates you, just that he doesn't think you click very well). Basically, you have no idea what's going on in his head, and asking him won't help.

So what do you do? Be "cool," be friendly, be nice, be ACTUALLY OK with just being friends, and give it some time. If you want to be his friend, actually, you understand that he's allowed to talk about other girls in his life, even if he's just screwing them. If you can't handle this, you should stop. You said that you weren't very close before, and if you want to go back to that, well, it seems like that's sort of where you are now.

Just wait, see what happens, be a good person (and honest with yourself) and everything will work out, one way or another.
posted by brainmouse at 10:51 AM on November 9

Call him out on his dickishness in private. Mention that yeah, you've moved on and are looking for other guys, but that you're not leaking intimate details about it 'cause it's a dick move and not something friends-just-friends do to each other. Your tone should reflect your disappointment in his behavior and little else.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:52 AM on November 9

It's quite possible that while you can go back to being just friends, he cannot.

Treating you the way he is indicates that he either a] can't do that, b] wants to really get the point across that he's not in friends territory at the moment or c] simply doesn't want to be friends again.

Your options are to sit him down and ask him where you both stand, or just back away. I'd go for the latter. His behaviour doesn't really strike me as all that mature, so the asking him thing could backfire.
posted by Solomon at 10:54 AM on November 9 [1 favorite]

I've done it.

Ran with a crowd for a while -- two couples, "Sid," and me. The six of us did all sorts of crap together, and since Sid and I were both single while the other two were couples we often fell to talking a lot.

After a few months this turned into a phase of mutual unresolved sexual tension, with each of us suddenly realizing "hey....I kind of dig him/her" but also thinking "nah, s/he'd never go for it", which lasted about a year before someone finally did something. We finally hooked up a couple times, and tentatively felt our way towards sort of dating, when...Sid freaked out a little and realized he couldn't handle it. (As far as breakups go, it was actuall pretty noble -- he said that he had a bad habit of getting swept up in something quick, but then changing his mind, and then stringing them along for another month or so and then doing a disappearing act...."but you started out as a friend of mine, so I don't want to do that to you, so it's best if we just drop this now.")

We both gave each other a bit of a wide berth for a few months to let the dust settle, and then...next time we hung out, it was cool. That was all about 3-4 years ago now, and Sid and I are still cool. (I owe him dinner soon -- he spent some formative years in New Orleans and I once made jambalaya that he said made him nostalgic, so I use that as an excuse to make it every so often.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:05 AM on November 9

Duh. Sorry -- the moral is, yeah, it's possible -- but only if you let the dust settle a little bit first. Sid and I stayed out of each others' way for a couple months, so we both could let that water pass under the bridge and start over.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:06 AM on November 9

This person is not good enough to be your friend because you can not count on his civility or respect.

As you wrote the question out, you did notice this guy has treated you in a horrible horrible fashion, yes? Not speaking to you directly, but mentioning in front of you and in a group setting that he slept with someone else, when he had only stopped sleeping with you a few weeks ago - WOW.

I'm going to be blunt, not gentle. I wish I could be gentle right now, but you have been cutting this individual way too much slack:

He did that (and other stuff, too) because (a) he wanted rub your nose in his fabulous sex life, which doesn't include you, and (b) humiliate you in front of the group, sending them all the message that he is done with you.

Only a super childish, self-loathing prick needs to act that way. He probably gets away with it because he is charming.

Charm doesn't equal character.

Furthermore, when you try to be nice or forgiving towards folks who have shown you exceptional disrespect and haven't taken it upon themselves to apologize to you first -- you teach the dicky person and everyone party to the relationship that it is acceptable to treat you like dirt. I'm sure this is not your intention, right? So cut it out.

I nth folks above who recommend you mimic his behavior minus the asshole aspect. Are you really over it? Then you shouldn't even notice him anymore, his presence at any group activity should be a non-issue for you. He's a stranger to you, and he's proved it. Take him on face value from now on.

If you need to reflect privately on this -- I recommend you look at his behavior from a neutral perspective. If you didn't know him well, but saw him treating another female acquaintance in the group this way, would you still think he was "cool" or "attractive"? Of course, not! Train yourself to spot this behavior sooner. Next time, you won't fall for someone who can sleep with you and then turn on you in a heartbeat. This can be a life lesson saving you from future relationship mistakes if you make it into one.

If you handle this successfully, I predict a lot of good things will come out of it. You can practice demonstrating self-respect and grace in a group setting by being positive and aloof from this drama - just move past it. If you learn to see "charming losers" for what they are, you might save yourself from dating another just like this one down the road.

If handled correctly, this experience should end up leaving you feeling pretty empowered -- Good Luck!
posted by jbenben at 11:27 AM on November 9 [2 favorites]

This should be obvious, but have you tried talking with him about it?

You describe a lot of avoiding and a lot of not speaking, on both sides; if you keep that up, then no, you're not going to be friends again. If you clear the air and give it some time, then maybe it'll work out.
posted by ook at 11:28 AM on November 9

If you were just friends, would him talking about having sex with another woman be a dick maneuver? If the answer is honestly no then you just need more time. Avoiding each other isn't unreasonable until you can be around him without having an emotional reaction to things that shouldn't bother you as a friend. I think it's possible.
posted by Kimberly at 12:27 PM on November 9

Doesn't sound like he is much of a friend. Be glad it happened so early on, you don't have much to loose as I see it. Be yourself, be kind and go on with your life, life is way to short to put up with pettiness and ugly people.
posted by LindaLou21356 at 12:42 AM on November 10

Can it be done?

Yes, if both people have the desire and maturity to make it happen. He's lacking in one or both.

Cut your loses. Be polite, but don't waste any extra effort on this guy.
posted by 26.2 at 8:44 AM on November 10