Is it cheating?

November 8, 2009 12:19 PM

I'm not sure if I've been cheated on, and I don't know how to feel. What should I do?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've been talking quite a lot about the future. He'll be moving in with me when he finishes up school. (I've already graduated.) I was basically under the assumption we were going to get married and live happily ever after.

Tonight he calls me and tells me about a party he went to last night. My 2 best friends from college, a couple with whom the boy and I went on many a double date, hosted a party at their apartment. Long story short, the boyfriend got completely smashed, blacked out, and this morning woke up naked next to the couple, who were also naked. He said the other guy said that nothing happened. I haven't been able to get a hold of my two friends yet to ask what happened.

But I can't help but feel a little betrayed. (Or maybe jealous? I'm so confused.) At first I was just stunned and emotionless, but as the evening has progressed, I've been feeling more and more upset. I can't really articulate my emotions beyond that.

I guess I just don't know if it constitutes cheating or not, and if it does...well what am I supposed to do?

Throwaway mail: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

He said the other guy said that nothing happened.

Then he probably just did what very drunk people do, which includes getting naked and doing stupid shit and being far too gone to be interested or perform sexually. What's more likely: that a drunk guy behaved typically and passed out where it was convenient, or that three people close to you conspired to betray your trust?
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 12:23 PM on November 8 [3 favorites]

Well, if it was cheating cheating he wouldn't have told you about it. It sounds like he was pretty confused as well.
posted by delmoi at 12:23 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]

While I wouldn't be particularly pleased at my boyfriend getting drunk and naked with a couple when I wasn't present, I guess I would still give him a few points for telling me about it after the fact. If something had happened, I'm guessing he wouldn't have told you the nitty gritty details of the party other than "we got really wasted and my head hurts today." He would not have mentioned the nakedness to you unless nothing truly had happened and he feels that close to you that he must confess "I got out of control and I'm so embarrassed, but I swear nothing bad happened." Who knows, he may have told you this so that you understand why he might feel uncomfortable socializing with this couple in the future, now that they've all seen each other naked.

However, if it were me, this would be his one and only "get out of jail free" card. Yeah, people do stupid things when they're drunk, but everyone doesn't just disrobe because it's warm in the room. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that the men were too inebriated to "perform," and that everyone just ended up passing out. But I would caution Boyfriend that that's the last time I'll be understanding about him getting naked with people when I'm not present.
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:32 PM on November 8 [8 favorites]

I can't think of any civilized way to say this, so- people who black out often end up naked for reasons that have nothing to do with sex. Someone who has blacked out from drinking can wake up completely naked, clutching a textbook, on top of their own coffee table, even after they remember coming home alone and locking their own door after them. They can wake up mostly naked on the floor cuddling their friend's pit bull for warmth. Not that I'm saying I or anyone I know has done that.

I would hold off on assuming he cheated till you know more.

Now, I think it's perfectly legitimate to be upset that he put himself in a situation where he might have cheated. And if he had actually cheated, it would be upsetting for him to shirk responsibility and try to excuse himself with things like "I was drunk," "I didn't know what I was doing" and so forth. I would probably focus on wanting him to take responsibility and not get into those situations anymore.
posted by Ashley801 at 12:33 PM on November 8 [5 favorites]

My gut reaction is that it's a very good sign that he 'fessed up about it immediately and is operating under the quite possibly true impression that nothing happened. It's totally normal to feel upset that your loved one was frolicking naked with others, but it sounds at least like it wasn't premeditated and hadn't happened before.

After the dust settles a bit, ask yourself, are you more upset that a boundary was crossed, or that you weren't included with this event that involved your best friends? Your throwaway email handle hints at the latter.

It doesn't sound like this was cheating or grounds for a DTMFA-ing if this sort of thing hasn't been a problem in the past.
posted by missmobtown at 12:34 PM on November 8 [4 favorites]

Give yourself some space and time to process this.
posted by kathrineg at 12:37 PM on November 8 [4 favorites]

One morning-after, my husband found his boxers in the freezer. To this day, he has no idea how they got there.

There are plenty of innocuous explanations. Was he able to find his clothes? Maybe he puked on them (I've lost all sense of shame before when plastered because it's hard enough to get the cold, soaking clothes off without caring about modesty). Maybe he pulled them all off and streaked. It sounds like your friends were a little less drunk than your boyfriend, but it's incredibly difficult to put clothes on someone who has passed out, so maybe they just gave up and made sure he was somewhere where someone could keep an eye on him.

It's hard to get a read via text, but did he sound freaked out to wake up in such a weird situation? I knew a guy in college who woke up buck naked in the middle of a field once and didn't remember how he got there. He then spent the rest of his college career trying to duplicate that (with no success), but he was a little unhinged anyway.

I'd recommend talking to your boyfriend about this and about your feelings. He should be concerned too, and hopefully not drink so much again. Before you do, make sure you know what specifically about the situation makes you so upset. Was it that he went to a party and got smashed without being responsible? Was it that he woke up naked with other people? Was it that he didn't let you know about the party beforehand, and this all hit you out of the blue?

If you guys have had a solid history and this is out of character for him, talk enough that he understands how you feel and hopefully can help with it. See what his plans are for this not happening again.
posted by bookdragoness at 12:44 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]

I would personally be more worried about the fact that he got that drunk than the possibility he may have cheated.
posted by something something at 12:59 PM on November 8 [16 favorites]

If I woke up naked, next to other naked people, with absolutely no memory of what had happened to lead to my nakedness the night before, I would be upset and terrified.

Perhaps the connotations of waking up naked after blacking out drunk are different for a guy than for a girl - but perhaps not. I think if that happened to my partner, I'd be less inclined to feel cheated on, and more inclined to worry about his physical and emotional safety.

Not that I think you should automatically assume that non-consensual activity occurred (especially since you don't mention that your boyfriend has seemed especially upset - just confused), but I'd definitely advocate toning down the suspicion. There is a difference between "drunk enough to do stupid things of one's own drunken agency" and "black-out drunk with no concept of what's going on or has gone on with/around you".
posted by ellehumour at 1:06 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]

Just a little something:

Make sure he gets and std test and you have safe sex (if you aren't already) until he's clear. That's what I would do if I wasn't sure if I'd had a drunken sexual encounter.
posted by sunshinesky at 1:22 PM on November 8 [8 favorites]

He said the other guy said that nothing happened.

What was the full conversation about? If the other guy said nothing happened, then what did happen, how did everyone end up naked in bed and what was the full conversation that occurred between your BF and the other guy?

Why is your boyfriend drinking so much that he blacks out?

How is your boyfriend feeling about all this?

Are you turned on by the thought of him getting it on with the other couple?

In order to figure out whether you've been cheated on and your feelings, you need to get the full story.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:23 PM on November 8

I went to a bit of a party school, but the things college students do are just generally ridiculous. One of my friends once pulled down her pants and peed in front of her roommate's bed, with no memory of it the next day. Another morning my own roommate knocked at my door, stark naked, and proclaimed, "I had way too much to drink last night" before falling onto her bed and passing out. And let's not even talk about the day I woke up in a guy's apartment, went out to find my shoes, and discovered my best friend's shoes next to mine.

Okay. We were all single. BUT there's a certain amount of permitted craziness in college. There's also a line that you cross: if you can't remember what you did last night, you need to take a break from the booze. This is what you should be more concerned about.

Personally, I'd chalk it up to one of those crazy and somewhat horrifying but also rather funny college experiences. It's stupid, but in the end nothing terrible happened; tell the boyfriend you want roses and chocolates and then you'll forget the whole thing as long as it doesn't happen again. Oh, and seriously: he's got to stop drinking the vat and at the very least stick to beer.
posted by brina at 1:42 PM on November 8

I can see why you're upset, but I do not think you should feel cheated on, and I think you should let it go. I have a strong suspicion that, all other things being equal, this will turn into one of those "ah remember when, chuckle, chuckle" moments.

- He told you immediately. For me, that is the most important thing. I mean, people do stupid things when their really drunk (and don't make this a value judgment; whether or not people should drink that much is irrelevant. It happened, as it has and does for a good deal of us), - and even if they did have a sexual tryst at least he told you. I mean, sex is a fairly primitive, banal thing, but trust?

- And yes, nthing that because he told you, and because his friend said nothing happened, that is probably true. Or if something did happen, they don't remember it, so, for all practical purposes (and some might argue metaphysical as well), it didn't happen.

- Also nthing that people end up naked for a myriad of reasons when they get really drunk. The number of times I've been naked with strangers while drunk for reasons not at all sexual exceeds the number of times I've been naked with strangers while drunk for sexual reasons at least 5:1. stat tmi

- For reasons that aren't really logical and probably revealing of some cognitive bias of mine, I'd feel way less hurt about it because it was a couple that you guys know and not, say, some random girl he met at the party. I mean, this is a potentially-sexual situation that is not in any way, really, threatening to your relationship, i.e. I'm guessing the chances are low that, even if they did have a wild menage a trois, this other couple will want to try and pry your boyfriend away from you in order to start a lovely polyamorous relationship.

- And lastly, and perhaps strangely, I will add that one way of looking at the situation, if they did in fact have sex, which, it has been rightfully speculated, probably did not happen, might be, "heh, that other couple thinks my husband-to-be is sexy and, gee, that's kind of flattering, and maybe next time they'll let me join?"
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:49 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]

*they're.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:51 PM on November 8

People end up naked when they're wasted. I was sort of famous for it in college (whatever, it was a small college). Sometimes there were other naked, wasted people there. In my experience--and much to my chagrin at the time--this in no way means that any form of sex was had. After some years, the lesson I took from it was more along the lines of I shouldn't drink like this than waking up with naked people means I got some action.
If he's sincere about not remembering what happened, and the other couple about nothing untoward having happened, I don't think you should be too worried about the nudity. However, if he's drinking to blackout with much frequency, you're perfectly justified in being a bit worried about that side of the equation.
posted by willpie at 1:57 PM on November 8

My husband regularly ends up naked and goes streaking when he's drunk. No cheating or other women involved.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:22 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]

what ever happened definitely he was not cheating, otherwise he wouldn't have told you about it.
posted by WizKid at 3:00 PM on November 8

The problem with cheating is that it involves deception and a deliberate betrayal of trust.

This (as far as we know) hasn't involved any deception, and if a line was crossed it certainly wasn't premeditated or planned. So I'd say it's not cheating. I'd say you should say 'no worries honey, how weird is that? No more getting naked without me though, right?'
posted by twirlypen at 4:00 PM on November 8

Umm, I wouldn't be worried about the cheating as much as the drinking. Seriously, you've described some mature sorts of aspirations, such as marriage, and you mentioned you're both in that transitional phase of college graduation -> young adult life. From this perspective, the issue is less about fidelity than "behaving responsibly" in general (which, yeah, is pretty lame sounding, but welcome to the adult world in all its glory). That is, you're thinking of the future (commitment, marriage, a life together, 'til death do us part, and all that), which means being healthy for the long haul starts to matter, and behavior that could otherwise be dismissed as the typical insanity of college life gets to seem somewhat more ominous if carried over too far into adulthood.

So, if he's in this relationship for long haul like it sounds like you are, yes, he needs to keep his clothes on, but more importantly, start acting like an adult when it comes to imbibing. Maybe he's ready to do that, maybe not, but that decision should giving you a better sense of the potential for your relationship than what he did (or, as mentioned above, more like didn't) do when drinking too much.

And, for the record, I know, some couples keep up the party animal thing long past the age you're at but, basically, they shouldn't, for a whole bunch of reasons that go with being an adult.
posted by 5Q7 at 4:21 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]

Yeah, without more data, I'm gonna say it's likely not cheating. It *is* crap judgment, and he is going to want to get an STD panel run just in case he did manage to get up to something while he was blacked out, but it seems pretty obvious that he has no idea what he did.

I would talk to your friends and advise them that, gee, apparently he gets naked when he's drunk, and maybe he should be handed a robe and exiled to the couch during that kind of party, though. It'll save you all awkward questions the next morning.

(Mr. F's version of this story ends with "...I woke up, and I didn't wonder where my shirt was, or why I was on the walkway OUTSIDE Jason's house, I just thought 'Aw, the neighbor's kitty is in my armpit!'")
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 5:04 PM on November 8

Didn't he smell his dick?

Sorry if that seems flippant, and I realize there are non-odorous sexual activities, but seriously.

Also, if he was that drunk I seriously doubt he would have been capable of sex.
posted by cmoj at 5:08 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]

It sounds very doubtful anything happened, and his telling you immediately means he's likely a good boyfriend. I would chalk this up to a crazy experience and let it go.
posted by xammerboy at 5:42 PM on November 8

Wow, some of y'all have really boring marriages. My husband is my partner-in-crime in hilarious drunken irresponsibility. I mean, sometimes neither one of you feels like cooking so you just have beer for dinner. Or you blow off housework to play Civilization against each other. Or just spend a relaxing evening farting on each other and giggling.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:28 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]

Is he a restless sleeper? We have a friend with weird sleep problems like kicking his legs a lot, and sleepwalking/talking, and he does some weird stuff when he's had too much to drink and falls asleep. One day he tells us that he came home drunk and must have left the door open and then maybe later closed it - because it looks like at some point a really big dog came into his house and peed on the TV. ha! It took us a couple of hours of "dude, you peed on your TV" to convince him there was no Hound of the Baskervilles with a grudge against sitcoms.

It could have been something like the other couple was in bed... he drunkenly, half-asleep pulls off his clothes and wanders in to go to bed, and they drunkenly don't care/notice.
posted by taz at 11:34 PM on November 8

Seconding cmoj, usually sex has a certain odor....

Also seconding others on worrying more about blacking out, that has led to problems for a few of my friends.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 12:49 AM on November 9

You know, there's no hard and fast rule for "cheating", because that means breaking the contract that the two of you had. Different couples have different rules, different people feel differently about boundaries or restrictions placed on them or on others, and therefore what's cheating for one couple (or one person) is not necessarily cheating for another, at least not by any universal standard.

The fact you're not even sure what to feel, or if this "counts" makes me guess that you two have never really defined this part of your relationship, so you're going on some kind of "assumed" requirements. That's going to be a problem eventually, even if this particular event fades easily away into your history.

So to be practical, why not make a very strong and conscious effort to "write this one off", because it's such a confusing mess anyway, and just forget about it... but also take the opportunity to talk about your relationship? Think about what you require and why, and work together to define once and for all what is allowed and what is forbidden for each of you, from today forward.

Then you will both be on much firmer ground, and if either of you cheats in the future, there won't be any doubt about it.
posted by rokusan at 3:44 AM on November 9 [1 favorite]

My read is also that nothing happened. Naked and drunk don't always mean sex -- at one college party I went to, one of the guys got drunk enough that he wanted to do a ROCKY HORROR routine, so he stripped down to his silver lame underwear while singing and dancing to "Sweet Transvestite." The only thing that stopped him from taking the silver lame underwear was that someone else came in and said "hey, who wants to go get more beer?" And our Frank dressed himself to join them. (By all reports, he later frenched one of the other guys, but then threw up and went to his room to sleep it off.)

As for the blacking out: if this happens a lot, or starts happening a lot, I'd be more worried about that. But if this is the first time THAT'S also happened, and you get the sense that he's freaked out enough to never want to do it again, then I have a feeling this will eventually become one of those things you tease him with now and then in a couple years. (The rest of us lived to tease "Frank" for several years afterward.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:24 AM on November 9

update from the question asker:

Boyfriend has agreed to get an STD test. He is also very upset about what happened, which was not conveyed in the original post. Still trying to get through to him that drinking that much is bad, though he's never blacked out before and this whole episode is fairly out of character for him. He has gotten drunk at parties before but never this badly.

I was able to contact the guy of the couple, and "nothing happened" turned into "my boyfriend was very touchy and male friend woke up with boyfriend on top of him in a position that made said friend VERY uncomfortable." Apparently he told my BF it was nothing at first and then told him this other news later. And then the friend didn't want to talk about it anymore and was very upset. So now on top of everything else, there is the possibility that my BF assaulted this guy while he was extremely drunk.

The BF had initially assumed that the "nothing happened" made sense since he doesn't really consider the friend his type. (Yeah, everyone involved here is bi which makes this even more complicated.)

I am afraid to push the issue with my friends much further because I don't want to seem like I am prying information from the female friend when the male already said he didn't want to discuss it anymore. :( And I am afraid that things may be too awkward between us for our friendship to ever be the same.

posted by mathowie at 12:58 PM on November 9

Oy, what a pickle...

I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP, this doesn't sound like an easy one. Although, from where I'm sitting, the larger problem is more a matter of drinking to excess rather than infidelity: not that it's not a thorny situation with your friends, but rather that I don't think that your boyfriend had this long-simmering unresolved lust for his friend and drank expressly so he could act on it. Rather, what it sounds like happened to me is that "he got way drunker than usual and some fucked-up stuff happened." Which is still quite a situation.

How you handle it is going to take some time, but it sounds like your boyfriend is also really freaked out about what happened, so hopefully this will have "scared him straight", so to speak, about drinking to excess.

good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:11 PM on November 9

I'd just be happy that he didn't come home naked and scribbled on with a Sharpie. Or that he didn't try to drive home and get in a drunken car wreck... while naked and marked up with a Sharpie.
posted by drstein at 8:41 AM on November 10 [1 favorite]