How do I make more friends?

November 6, 2009 2:24 PM

I literally have two friends. How can I make more?

I want more friends.
I graduated from college in my city in 2008. I have a roommate who has been a good friend since we were 7, a boyfriend whom I have been with for almost two years, and another good (guy) friend who lives in my city and likes to go out. My best friend moved across the country after college, another friend is on a bike trip across the country, and the rest I have fallen out of touch with as I left school. I am quite happy with the amount of time I spend with my boyfriend (which is, like, a quarter of my free time) but I also like to be by myself a lot. I don't have many acquantences... people who I might recieve a text from about a party, for example.
Caveat: I live in a small city/big town where I already know a lot of people. My boyfriend is a "locally-famous" musician and through his gigs I have met a ton of people. Most of these people are uber hipsters - and I know that part of my problem is categorizing people, but I am easily intimidated and kind of reserved. Thus, I think that I appear "in the loop" but I really spend most of my time alone.
In my free time I volunteer with a bunch of refugee families. It's awesome, and they are definitely my friends, but it's not the same. I'm also unemployed right now, and not meeting many people.

How do I get to know people I already superficially know? Why can't I take it to the next level? How do I establish common ground? I'm not going to bother posting anonymously.

posted by pintapicasso to human relations (9 comments total)

If you're dating a locally famous musician, what makes you think you're not an uber hipster also? Or that the people you're meeting are that much different from you somehow?

There is nothing wrong with cultivating fairly superficial friendships, because you never know when one of these people may turn out to be an amazing person under the surface. Cultivate an air of availability. Challenge yourself to say yes to as many experiences as possible, even if they seem pointless or intimidating. Try not to "cruise" parties or other gatherings for possible friends. Just participate like a regular person and see who that flings you together with. Every experience is an opportunity to learn more about others and more about yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 2:34 PM on November 6, 2009 [7 favorites]

You need a hobby. Something that you like, that other people also like, and over which you can bond with those people. Start by saying, "hey, this class/movie/black op was great -- want to grab a beer?" Ask it of a group, and you'll be the person coordinating a social event, which alleviates a lot of the pressure.
posted by ellF at 2:39 PM on November 6, 2009

I'm in a new-ish town, and have managed to make a handful of good new friends simply through asking them to do something together when we realize we have a shared interest. For example, I sold a messenger bag on CL a few weeks ago, and the purchaser noticed that I had beer brewing equipment setup. We got to talking about brewing, since he brews as well, and a few days later I emailed him asking a follow-up question, and asking him if he'd ever be interested in tasting homebrew together. We're brewing together tonight, actually.
posted by craven_morhead at 2:47 PM on November 6, 2009

This question gets asked a lot (1 2 3 4 5 6 7). Arrange a meetup in your town?
posted by Craig at 2:56 PM on November 6, 2009

Two or three really good friends that one can count on is all anyone can hope for.
posted by rokusan at 5:12 PM on November 6, 2009

I agree with hermitosis: "Cultivate an air of availability." Also, the Buddhist idea that "it takes courage to have an open heart" comes to mind. It takes courage to make friends because there is always the risk of awkwardness involved. If you feel insecure to start with (as you mention here and in previous posts), you may be trying to avoid interpersonal awkwardness and looking less than cool among all these hipsters, but you'll probably just end up avoiding making friends.

I've just moved from a small town where I knew a lot of people (and had several very close friends as well) to another small town where I know absolutely no one. But I think the path is the same in every situation: To make friends often requires risking being vulnerable.

In practice, the way to make friends and deepen friendships is to not look busy and unapproachable (e.g., leaning back, looking around and making eye contact at the coffee shop instead of appearing preternaturally fascinated with your laptop or food), to not look like you have someplace else to go or someone else to meet when approached (e.g., being willing to let silence and awkwardness happen in a conversation, not haring off at the first pause in the action), and to take the time to notice and approach other people who are also wanting friendship.

Reading your past posts, it sounds like you made close friends in college, so you know how to do it. The situation now, it seems, is that you only need to deepen your relationship with a couple of acquaintances, or meet a few new friends, to feel satisfied with your social life. Probably won't take you long. Good luck!
posted by mmw at 5:48 PM on November 6, 2009 [8 favorites]

You might be putting off an air of being too cool or aloof to the people you meet at shows and through your boyfriend. Doesn't your boyfriend have a group of friends he could integrate you into?

Sometimes you have to be the "cruise director" and get people together to do stuff. You may have to expose a lot more of your personality so people know what you are all about. I find that just chatting with people and finding out we have common interests can lead to some natural openings for asking people to go do stuff together.
posted by pluckysparrow at 6:12 PM on November 6, 2009

Thanks for the answers, everyone. Pluckysparrow, my boyfriend is even more than a loner than I am. As to being an uber-hipster: there are some parameters within that label that I might fall within; however, I also listen to pop-country and am kind of a hick, so there's that. But I've definitely been told that I give off an aloof vibe.

It boils down to developing the confidence to open up a little to a stranger and facing a minor rejection. Thanks everyone.
posted by pintapicasso at 7:26 PM on November 6, 2009

I agree with the folk above about finding common ground at least at first through a hobby.

It could be knitting, or drawing, or building robots, you'll find people with common interests. And hey, you'll have fun doing it.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:42 PM on November 6, 2009