Was ever a woman in this humor wooed? Was ever a woman in this humor won?
November 6, 2009 6:04 AM Subscribe
LoveFilter: Broken up with, heartbroken, and I think she's making a mistake. I know I can't make her fall in love with me, but what can I do to fan the flames without being creepy, stalkerish, a d-bag, etc.?
Basic background: we're both grownups (mis-30s) with fairly well worn relationship histories. Both looking for "the one." Non-essential details changed to protect the guilty.
So, I meet this girl via an online dating site. We date fairly casually, seeing each other a couple times a week for several weeks. At times it seems to be going really well, and at times I think she's not that into me. Finally, a couple weeks ago, she breaks it off, saying (I think sincerely) that although I am exactly the type of person she's looking for in the abstract, she just doesn't feel "it," and thinks there's no point in continuing.
And this would normally be not that big a deal to me. Except I'm completely heartsick over this. Not only is she exactly who I was looking for in the abstract, but I felt this incredible attachment to her. This just doesn't happen to me. It feels real, and I think I have the experience to know.
Now, there are reasons I think she might be making this decision prematurely, but at the same time, I respect that she knows herself, and knows something about what she wants. However...
She wants to be friends. Normally, I don't think I would want to pursue that, but there's this small, hopeful part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe, I can win her over through friendship. We're supposed to hang out for the first time next week.
I know, I know... this makes me sound like I'm 16. But this girl makes me FEEL like I'm 16.
Are you a someone who was ever won over slowly in this way? What was it that changed? Or are you someone who pulled this off? How did you do it? Any other ideas? Or should I just walk away and try to get over it?
Basic background: we're both grownups (mis-30s) with fairly well worn relationship histories. Both looking for "the one." Non-essential details changed to protect the guilty.
So, I meet this girl via an online dating site. We date fairly casually, seeing each other a couple times a week for several weeks. At times it seems to be going really well, and at times I think she's not that into me. Finally, a couple weeks ago, she breaks it off, saying (I think sincerely) that although I am exactly the type of person she's looking for in the abstract, she just doesn't feel "it," and thinks there's no point in continuing.
And this would normally be not that big a deal to me. Except I'm completely heartsick over this. Not only is she exactly who I was looking for in the abstract, but I felt this incredible attachment to her. This just doesn't happen to me. It feels real, and I think I have the experience to know.
Now, there are reasons I think she might be making this decision prematurely, but at the same time, I respect that she knows herself, and knows something about what she wants. However...
She wants to be friends. Normally, I don't think I would want to pursue that, but there's this small, hopeful part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe, I can win her over through friendship. We're supposed to hang out for the first time next week.
I know, I know... this makes me sound like I'm 16. But this girl makes me FEEL like I'm 16.
Are you a someone who was ever won over slowly in this way? What was it that changed? Or are you someone who pulled this off? How did you do it? Any other ideas? Or should I just walk away and try to get over it?
This post was deleted for the following reason: removed at poster's request -- mathowie
Or should I just walk away and try to get over it?
Yes, that's exactly what you should do. Being "friends" now, given your feelings for her, will never work. Send her an e-mail in a year an see what happens.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 6:15 AM on November 6, 2009 [2 favorites]
Yes, that's exactly what you should do. Being "friends" now, given your feelings for her, will never work. Send her an e-mail in a year an see what happens.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 6:15 AM on November 6, 2009 [2 favorites]
You can't convince people to have feelings for you. It's not a matter of logic. Don't try, you'll only end up in a worse emotional place and she'll be telling all her friends about this crazy guy she met online who wouldn't let go. Don't be him.
posted by modernnomad at 6:18 AM on November 6, 2009 [7 favorites]
posted by modernnomad at 6:18 AM on November 6, 2009 [7 favorites]
there's this small, hopeful part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe
This is a reason for a character in a romcom to be friends with someone. It is not a reason for a real human being to be friends with someone.
At worst, you'll scare her and at best, you'll live with internal emotional drama that prevents you from going out and finding someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:20 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is a reason for a character in a romcom to be friends with someone. It is not a reason for a real human being to be friends with someone.
At worst, you'll scare her and at best, you'll live with internal emotional drama that prevents you from going out and finding someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:20 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Luckily (or ironically?) the most reliable way to get someone interested in you is to stop thinking about them and move on.
posted by oinopaponton at 6:20 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by oinopaponton at 6:20 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think two points come to mind. They are strongly related.
1. Think about how she must feel - do you really want to make a committment to her if she's looking for you "in the abstract"? Or if the criterion for that decision is just a feeling, even if it's a feeling of "it" (i.e. abstract!).
2. In my book friendship is the key to any relationship anyhow. If that doesn't sound good, OK, but feeling like you're 16 doesn't last. I'd rather feel my real age but in love ;)
posted by KMH at 6:28 AM on November 6, 2009
1. Think about how she must feel - do you really want to make a committment to her if she's looking for you "in the abstract"? Or if the criterion for that decision is just a feeling, even if it's a feeling of "it" (i.e. abstract!).
2. In my book friendship is the key to any relationship anyhow. If that doesn't sound good, OK, but feeling like you're 16 doesn't last. I'd rather feel my real age but in love ;)
posted by KMH at 6:28 AM on November 6, 2009
there are reasons I think she might be making this decision prematurely
But that's for her to decide, not you. Sorry you're going through this, but anything you do to try to get her to change her mind will make her feel, depending on what exactly it is you do, frustrated, miserable, guilty, uneasy, hassled, angry, or afraid. None of those are positive emotions, therefore, none of them will make her associate you with anything good.
Just leave her alone and respect her decision. You know this is the right thing to do, judging from the tone of your post.
posted by notswedish at 6:30 AM on November 6, 2009
But that's for her to decide, not you. Sorry you're going through this, but anything you do to try to get her to change her mind will make her feel, depending on what exactly it is you do, frustrated, miserable, guilty, uneasy, hassled, angry, or afraid. None of those are positive emotions, therefore, none of them will make her associate you with anything good.
Just leave her alone and respect her decision. You know this is the right thing to do, judging from the tone of your post.
posted by notswedish at 6:30 AM on November 6, 2009
I was in the exact position you were about six months ago (same ages, online site, etc.). I was cuckoo for a girl I had met, we seemed to click, went out a few times, had fun, and all of a sudden, she "wasn't sure how she felt about things." Ugh--it was horrible. I was really inconsolable, because she really, truly seemed like the one.
But, lo and behold, I started to date my current GF, who is, truth be told, so very much more awesome.
You're not going to change this woman's mind. Best case scenario, she thinks you're a creep. Next to worst-case scenario, she gets a restraining order against you like peanut did against her ex.
The worst-case scenario--you miss out on the better match who is around the corner. Let this one go, and keep looking. There really are other fish in the sea.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:46 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
But, lo and behold, I started to date my current GF, who is, truth be told, so very much more awesome.
You're not going to change this woman's mind. Best case scenario, she thinks you're a creep. Next to worst-case scenario, she gets a restraining order against you like peanut did against her ex.
The worst-case scenario--you miss out on the better match who is around the corner. Let this one go, and keep looking. There really are other fish in the sea.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:46 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
nth-ing move on. There is no way you can not make this creepy, stalkerish, d-bag behavior. At all. Impossible. Not even if Superman spins the earth backwards.
Give yourself time to get over it. Don't jump back in the saddle immediately. Don't look for "the one", the one will find you.
posted by jdfan at 6:54 AM on November 6, 2009
Give yourself time to get over it. Don't jump back in the saddle immediately. Don't look for "the one", the one will find you.
posted by jdfan at 6:54 AM on November 6, 2009
She wants to be friends.
No, she doesn't. This is a passive-aggressive cover. She wants to exit gracefully but doesn't know how.
Normally, I don't think I would want to pursue that
Trust this instinct.
but there's this small, hopeful part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe, I can win her over through friendship.
No, no you can't.
We're supposed to hang out for the first time next week.
Don't. Call her up, right now, and tell her you've decided to do something else that's really fun and exciting, something you've never done before but always wanted to. Sky diving. Shopping for antique furniture. Bungee jumping. It doesn't matter what it is.
But go do it.
And if you see a pretty girl there while you're doing it, ask her to go have coffee with you.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:59 AM on November 6, 2009 [2 favorites]
No, she doesn't. This is a passive-aggressive cover. She wants to exit gracefully but doesn't know how.
Normally, I don't think I would want to pursue that
Trust this instinct.
but there's this small, hopeful part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe, I can win her over through friendship.
No, no you can't.
We're supposed to hang out for the first time next week.
Don't. Call her up, right now, and tell her you've decided to do something else that's really fun and exciting, something you've never done before but always wanted to. Sky diving. Shopping for antique furniture. Bungee jumping. It doesn't matter what it is.
But go do it.
And if you see a pretty girl there while you're doing it, ask her to go have coffee with you.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:59 AM on November 6, 2009 [2 favorites]
She's not the one for you, because she doesn't want to be with you. People often overlook this as one of the very necessary qualities to look for in a person that's a match for them.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:04 AM on November 6, 2009 [6 favorites]
posted by iamkimiam at 7:04 AM on November 6, 2009 [6 favorites]
And don't Don't DON'T go hang out with this girl! For god's sake. You know this is a horrible idea. Cool Papa Bell speaks the truth that the "let's be friends" thing is a snow-job. She assuredly went "D'Oh!" in her head when you said, "Oh yes, please let's be friends, and see each other next week!" Find something else you need to be doing that day, and you'll both be better off.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:08 AM on November 6, 2009
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:08 AM on November 6, 2009
1. Channel your heartbreak into becoming a rock star or insanely rich.
2. Let her stew with regret for a year or two.
3. Have her out to lunch for old time's sake and make a move.
In all seriousness, would you be happy if she was just your friend for the rest of your life? If no, then don't try and fake it.
posted by ropeladder at 7:08 AM on November 6, 2009
2. Let her stew with regret for a year or two.
3. Have her out to lunch for old time's sake and make a move.
In all seriousness, would you be happy if she was just your friend for the rest of your life? If no, then don't try and fake it.
posted by ropeladder at 7:08 AM on November 6, 2009
I can win her over through friendship.
No, you can't. Sorry. Spoken from experience. And there are very few things more unattractive in a person than desperation and trying too hard. You simply must focus on something/someone else.
posted by jbickers at 7:15 AM on November 6, 2009
No, you can't. Sorry. Spoken from experience. And there are very few things more unattractive in a person than desperation and trying too hard. You simply must focus on something/someone else.
posted by jbickers at 7:15 AM on November 6, 2009
That's the thing about online dating*. You can have all the right qualities on paper, have common interests, and be an all around great match based on all these external factors, and ZERO, I mean ZERO chemistry. Some of my best friends and greatest relationships have been with folks I wouldn't have necessarily picked out of an online dating/friend site. Chemistry can't always be predicted that way.
*Of course, I've had some great online dating experiences and met some awesome friends through online communities too. This isn't a knock against online dating -- but there is a certain amount of expectation (especially for new users) that a "perfect match" in profiles or a series of great emails means that energy will transfer over into the relationship itself. But just BECAUSE you have all those experiences/interests/quirky jokes in common, doesn't necessarily mean that you'll have great in-person chemistry.
posted by barnone at 7:17 AM on November 6, 2009
*Of course, I've had some great online dating experiences and met some awesome friends through online communities too. This isn't a knock against online dating -- but there is a certain amount of expectation (especially for new users) that a "perfect match" in profiles or a series of great emails means that energy will transfer over into the relationship itself. But just BECAUSE you have all those experiences/interests/quirky jokes in common, doesn't necessarily mean that you'll have great in-person chemistry.
posted by barnone at 7:17 AM on November 6, 2009
but there's this small, hopeful part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe, I can win her over through friendship.
NOOOOOO. This doesn't work. You will be all heartsick whenever you hang out, and you will intepret every friendly gesture of hers as maybe-flirting, and she will be perpetually cautious and guarded around you so as not to send those signals, and if you ever have too much to drink around her you will embarrass yourself trying to pour out your feelings, and eventually she will start dating someone else and you will lose your shit, and your friendship will go down in a blaze of drama and everything will be ruined and you will end up hating her FOREVER.
I mean, that exact chain of events is not an absolute law of relationship physics or anything, but the general rule is that this doesn't work, and trust me, no matter how convinced you are that you are the one exception, you aren't.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:20 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
NOOOOOO. This doesn't work. You will be all heartsick whenever you hang out, and you will intepret every friendly gesture of hers as maybe-flirting, and she will be perpetually cautious and guarded around you so as not to send those signals, and if you ever have too much to drink around her you will embarrass yourself trying to pour out your feelings, and eventually she will start dating someone else and you will lose your shit, and your friendship will go down in a blaze of drama and everything will be ruined and you will end up hating her FOREVER.
I mean, that exact chain of events is not an absolute law of relationship physics or anything, but the general rule is that this doesn't work, and trust me, no matter how convinced you are that you are the one exception, you aren't.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:20 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Nthing what everyone else is saying. Give up on the idea of ever getting her back or even being a significant part of your life. Walk away completely. It will hurt for awhile. But later you will be able to respect yourself.
posted by jockc at 7:20 AM on November 6, 2009
posted by jockc at 7:20 AM on November 6, 2009
Have you seen the movie "Swingers" as a guy, I recommend you do so NOW!, the only way to get the girl back is by leaving her alone...really just let her be....
posted by The1andonly at 7:23 AM on November 6, 2009
posted by The1andonly at 7:23 AM on November 6, 2009
Admiral Haddock and Cool Papa Bell have it nailed.
Read what they wrote over and over if you have any hesitation.
I have had that same experience, and been totally goofy over someone that really wasn't that into me. It just literally hurt my heart that I couldn't be with them. I did some short term therapy and moved on, met the greatest man ever and married him. He is so, so much better as a person, better looking, smarter, more stable. I have watched the the other guy crash and burn, have a lot of failed relationships etc. and today I am grateful that things worked out like they did.
One thing though to remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
posted by chocolatetiara at 7:24 AM on November 6, 2009
Read what they wrote over and over if you have any hesitation.
I have had that same experience, and been totally goofy over someone that really wasn't that into me. It just literally hurt my heart that I couldn't be with them. I did some short term therapy and moved on, met the greatest man ever and married him. He is so, so much better as a person, better looking, smarter, more stable. I have watched the the other guy crash and burn, have a lot of failed relationships etc. and today I am grateful that things worked out like they did.
One thing though to remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
posted by chocolatetiara at 7:24 AM on November 6, 2009
Cool Papa Bell is right; in the unlikely event that she's not asking to be friends out of guilt, she's doing it because she likes the attention you're paying her but doesn't want to do the work of a relationship--she's using you. And clearly, you don't want to be "friends" either. Be the bigger person here, and cut this off.
Oh, and the whole quoting Shakespeare thing? Dopey at best and creepy at worst. I mean, Richard III is not someone you want to model your love life after.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:26 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh, and the whole quoting Shakespeare thing? Dopey at best and creepy at worst. I mean, Richard III is not someone you want to model your love life after.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:26 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Unanimity in the answers AskMe human relationship questions is rare. When it occurs, you should really, really listen.
posted by Zed at 7:29 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Zed at 7:29 AM on November 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Since you are looking for "the one", you need to stop wasting time with women who've opted out of that role.
I'm sorry, but you need to let go of this girl entirely.
posted by 26.2 at 7:46 AM on November 6, 2009
I'm sorry, but you need to let go of this girl entirely.
posted by 26.2 at 7:46 AM on November 6, 2009
Tell her your feelings for her are still very strong and that you're in a lot of pain and that you're not ready to be friends.
If she gives you space, she's not interested. If she still pushes the "friends" thing, she's an asshole. If she changes her mind about everything, then... well, let's cross that particular bridge when we get to it, okay?
posted by hermitosis at 7:52 AM on November 6, 2009
If she gives you space, she's not interested. If she still pushes the "friends" thing, she's an asshole. If she changes her mind about everything, then... well, let's cross that particular bridge when we get to it, okay?
posted by hermitosis at 7:52 AM on November 6, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
In my opinion, no, there's really no way to win someone over when they have clearly told you that they are not interested. If you truly would rather have her friendship than nothing at all, you might need some distance but you can be friends again. If you just want to be friends in hopes of winning her over (which it sounds like here...) do yourselves a favor and tell her the truth: You DO feel "it" and therefore, you can't be friends with her without a) hoping for more and b) driving yourself crazy.
As always, believe what people tell you about themselves. She's just not that into you.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:14 AM on November 6, 2009 [6 favorites]