Where's a good source to find some descent friends and build friendships?

November 6, 2009 1:56 AM

Where can I find a good source of friends or build a network of friends? After my crazy life.

Two years after high school, I got involved with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and ended up in jail. I completed the Drug Court and was labeled as one of the greatest youngest example by the prosecution.

I came out a different man but feel I have been tainted.

I haven't used since, and don't intend to. Upon finishing the Drug Court I separated all ties with my previous mates and have been working hard on an Internet based business at my parents house (mansion) since, where I am a little too comfortable. The business isn't making as much money as I'd hoped but my family keeps insisting I stick with it. My sister is a lawyer (not criminal), my father is a non violent hard alcoholic and my mother a control freak who I believe is suffering from an anxiety disorder, my parents are both pensioners. I have no other relatives in this country (Australia) as we migrated from Europe when I was in grade 2.

I go to the gym regularly and like fishing, reading, studying Philosophy and Psychology in my spare time. I am educated.

Since the Drug Court I see a Psychologist every month who I consider in some way as my mentor. He keeps insisting I build a network of good friends. He has suggested many activities like a martial arts course, collage or a language class. He tells me I an inhibited living with my parents. But most of all he says I should leave my parents house where I am inhibited.

You could say I have a fear of rejection. I fear this may somehow or rather trigger me to revert to my previous behavior.

I have a few friends from high school who would be glad to see me but I can't get over the fact that there's a gap in my life that I can't tell them about.

I find it hard to have any sort of fun since I've been out, my Psychologist recommended me a book called "Stop Thinking, Start Living" by Richard Carlson which I recently started reading and believe it will make me much happier in general.

Should I keep working on the business? Should I leave home? Should I get a Job?

Please write whatever comes to mind. I can take it.

PS: please don't recommend medication like anti-depressants, I consider them to be "artificial happiness".

posted by Bacillus to society & culture (16 comments total)

Look, man. You know what you've gotta do.

Get a job. Move out.

Getting a job is by far the easiest way to meet people who might become your friends. You make more friends by meeting your friends' friends. I've spent the last 15 months trying to get my home business going, after moving from one coast to another. Know what? I don't have any friends at all (nor is my business working, but that's another story). Whereas every job I've ever had has netted me at least one friend.

And moving out on your own offers you more freedom and independence than you've ever known. I'm not talking about escaping rules your parents may hand down, I'm talking about being able to walk around the apartment naked or drinking straight from the milk carton or installing a truly ridiculous sound system to blast Cold Chisel. You can bring new friends or girls home without them bearing the scrutiny of your folks. You can get in at 0300 and nobody will even notice.
posted by Netzapper at 3:01 AM on November 6 [4 favorites has favorites]

Some quick thoughts:

1) Just because you live with your parents doesn't necessarily mean that you have to feel dependent.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't but there are many people who live with their parents. Its almost normal in places like Italy.

The North American style is to leave the home as soon as you can it seems.

However, you decide what is best for you.

Maybe you just need to get yourself going in the right direction before moving out.

2) If you believe in the internet business, keep it going. In the meantime, keep learning technical knowledge such as HTML, CSS, Javascript, etc. Take some extra courses. It will all help regardless of whether the business takes off.

And worst case you will have skills on your resume that you can use to apply for a job.

Consider getting a job and working on the business on the side too.

3) Meet people at www.meetup.com

http://www.meetup.com/find/?keywords=&country=au&locationPickerRef=0&dbCo=&dbOutsideUsLink=&submitButton=Search&op=search

or craigslist (but avoid the shady characters - :--)))

Also, there must be some community centres with activities - usually very cheap.

Good luck.
posted by simpleton at 3:21 AM on November 6

I just want to add that you can find "friends" easily but not necessarily true friends.

Friends who won't stab you in the back, rip you off, etc. Reliable, stable friends are rare at least in my life.

Be a little picky even if you are feeling a bit lonely.

The headaches of a crappy friend are just not worth it.
posted by simpleton at 3:26 AM on November 6

It sounds like you already have options for meeting people: Gym, fishing. Surely other people are around at these venues. Focus on these since you already have common interests.

Although it's obviously up to you when you move, from what you've said your home does not sound a good place to build a healthy lifestyle. Definitely seconding move out.

Running an Internet business could be a convenient excuse for you to stay at home. What would your family say if you told them you'd got a job 10 miles away?
posted by KMH at 3:29 AM on November 6

You might find that some of those old high school friends will be very accepting if you tell them why you dropped from sight. Everyone knows someone who has such problems.

I know a young man who spent several years in prison and when he returned to his smallish town his old friends were glad to see him and have helped him to adjust.

Have you considered going to meetings such as Adult Children of Alcoholics?

Good luck!
posted by mareli at 3:31 AM on November 6

Depending on where you live you should check out couchsurfing.org, its a good way to meet some (non-shady) characters. And I have found a handful of acquaintances and eventually friends just by socializing with other couchsurfing hosts/couchsurfers in my region.
posted by mathiu at 4:33 AM on November 6

How about taking up ultimate frisbee? Lots of fun, extremely social, very accepting of adult beginners. I know lots of people whose entire friend network revolves around it. Try these links to get you started.
posted by Go Banana at 4:43 AM on November 6

You can get out of the house and start living on your own, which is pretty cold turkey, extreme and filled with unexpected hard knocks. If you feel like you can handle that, then go ahead. But it sounds like you can already meet people without needing to move out, through your gym or school and so on. So do that first and move out of your house when you feel confident enough.
posted by the_ancient_mariner at 5:45 AM on November 6

I have a few friends from high school who would be glad to see me but I can't get over the fact that there's a gap in my life that I can't tell them about.

I would endorse what mareli has said, and urge you to try contacting them if you feel it *could* work out with them. I do not make friends easily, but (at 43) some of the ones I keep in touch with the most and value most highly are the ones I met 30 years ago at school. Through luck and fluke, we've kept in touch and I'm glad of it.

You don't have to tell them right off -- "Hi, how are you? I've been in prison for a couple of years!" Not. If they ask you, just say something like "Oh, I don't want to talk about it for now" or "I spent some time away, just wasting time." You're not lying, so you can put them in the picture later if it suits you, and it gives you some time to gauge how they might react if you do tell them.
posted by BrokenEnglish at 6:26 AM on November 6

I have a few friends from high school who would be glad to see me but I can't get over the fact that there's a gap in my life that I can't tell them about.

Why? You went through a project, you had a goal, you suceeded. There's no shame in it and you're hardly alone in having faced addiction issues.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:35 AM on November 6

You need to get out of there ASAP. You don't need to live on your own. I'd suggest looking for cooperative housing. Finding it won't be a problem in any college town. Move to a new town if have have to.

I realize it may sound like hippie bullshit, but I've seen a lot of people _completely_ transformed by living with a big group of nice people. It'd probably be good for you to have the anchor of a daily communal meal and some weekly chores and lots of time spent listening to people complain about how paper towels are ruining the earth. It sounds like you need some supplemental family. You'll meet good people and it's cheaper than having an apartment. Later on you can go find your own place to live. Admittedly, there may be some pot being smoked, but I really think you're less likely to revert to your old ways in that environment than living on your own.

Regarding medication...would you consider a polio vaccine "artificial immunity"? I'm not saying you need meds but if that's what your counselor or therapist suggests, at least be open to it. You get one shot at living life, and being miserable is a waste. Don't be like my dad and only be willing to try Xanax after you've spent 55 years in a bad mood. Do not waste your time being unhappy.

Move into a good coop, do whatever work is enough to get by on, be nice to your new housemates and at least _consider_ medication if that's what your doc recommends. You'll be right as rain in no time (er, well, a year or two).
posted by paanta at 6:40 AM on November 6 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have a few friends from high school who would be glad to see me but I can't get over the fact that there's a gap in my life that I can't tell them about.

I don't believe this. If, and only if, someone asks where you've been all this time, you answer "I got mixed up in the wrong crowd, did some things I regret, and paid the price for it. But I've turned my life around and now I'm busy building an Internet business." Then change the subject. "Hey, I found a great fishing spot at this lake, we should go sometime."
posted by desjardins at 7:25 AM on November 6

You can look up your old high school friends but who knows if you'll be real friends with them? You have the past in common but that's it. Sometimes it's comforting to me to have someone who knew me when I was young but mostly the past is the past to me -- if I were to meet any of them today, would we be friends? Not a one of them. Still, a place to start.

Meetup? Good plan -- find a group or three groups that blow your skirt up and head on over there.

Couchsurfing people? Yet another good plan -- it tends to catch the attention of open-minded yet good-living people, by which I mean they probably eat healthy and smile often but aren't into drugs or whatever, their smiles aren't aided and abetted by chemicals.

Adult Children of Alcoholics? A good place to begin to tell the tale, to begin to unravel what has happened to you -- just exactly what was the number of that bus that ran you down, anyways? Coming up in a home that has active alcoholism really can have an impact upon people. No, it DOES have an impact upon people. And not a good one, usually. But be careful finding all your friends there; not a good plan basing your friendships upon mutual weaknesses, that's all. The the level of gut-level honesty there can be really powerful, it'll maybe teach you how to open up to people in other milieus.

Move out? Maybe, maybe not. Let it unwind, see how it unfolds. Walk slow. Life is brand new, you're a different person than the one who was in that whole mess, you're learning to walk with a different gait, down different streets, etc and etc. If you do move out, life will present you with problems. If you don't move out, life will present you with problems. It'll all sort out, over time. I do like the living with others thing, but others who aren't smoking pot would absolutely be best -- why tempt the fates?

As far as your past -- hey, let it stay where it belongs. Yesterdays news. One day after the next, this new and different person will be another step or two away from all that you lived, in no time at all you'll have a different past.

Silly wisdom, but wisdom nonetheless: Be concerned about your current day. If you have a number of nice current days, it won't be long before you'll have a nice past. And if you've got a nice past, and a nice present, you'll soon have confidence in having a nice tomorrow. Hokey? You bet. But true, too.

The friends will come. They'll be attracted to the person you are becoming, day by day, and then day by day you can walk down the street with them having some fun.

Smile at a pretty woman today, but only after you've done something nice for your new, unfolding self -- you'll feel ever so good about signing up for that meetup or your walk to the library to catch the springtime air there in Oz, and when you're feeling good about something you've done for yourself there's a better chance that you're smile won't look hokey or dorky or forced or fake, there's a better chance that it'll be a happy smile, a real one.

It's a new day, it's springtime, put on some glad rags and head on out the door, you're going to do a good thing or two and you're going to smile at a pretty woman today! Yay!

Have fun!
posted by dancestoblue at 7:44 AM on November 6

You don't need friends; you need 1 friend at a time. Take up a hobby - chess club, frisbee, take a class at adult ed or college, volunteer, join a church, whatever appeals to you. Try lots of stuff. Talk to people, listen more, suggest going out for coffee after meetings. When you connect with someone, suggest a movie to see together, or a hike, or some low-key activity. New friendships take time. You don't have to tell your life story to everybody. Be a good listener, share details over time.
posted by theora55 at 11:15 AM on November 6

I had a traumatic event, at least for me, happen and was pretty shell-shocked by it for a couple years time. I thought it was a big deal and I didn't know how I would reconcile it when sharing my life years later with new friends, but after enough time passed I realized it was really not a big deal.

The 'big deal' was all in my head, and in truth I didn't have to say jack shit about that time in my life. Usually I would just have an extremely edited version and offer no more, as if there was no more to offer -- and in a lot of ways that is true. Mostly people don't care, ESPECIALLY if it's awkward for you, and I found that when I did end up sharing more details it never turned out to be a big deal and didn't lose any friends over it.

I found, as I believe you will in time, even if there are bumpy patches, friends care about who you are in the now instead of what you think of your demons past.
posted by BurnMage at 1:58 PM on November 6

Then change the subject. "Hey, I found a great fishing spot at this lake, we should go sometime."

What desjardins said. From experience with reappearing in people's lives, you will probably find them more interested in what you can do together NOW than in knowing a lot of details about the years you were away.

(Besides, you probably did something redeeming/positive in that time, right? No one asks about the details.)
posted by whatzit at 4:36 PM on November 6