Am I the dick in this situation?

November 4, 2009 5:33 PM

A friend of mine is currently pretty pissed at me because I'm about to hang out with a girl that's friends with his ex's sister. In his mind it's only a matter of time before I'm hanging out with his ex too. Is he being an irrational dick, or will continuing to hang out with this girl only result in me getting a taste of my own dick medicine?

I can understand where he's coming from as I was less than thrilled when my friends were hanging out with my ex, but that isn't exactly the case here.

posted by Venadium to human relations (34 comments total)

Nope he's being a dick. If we weren't allowed to hang out with anyone within six (or two, or four, or whatever) degrees of separation from someone that someone else didn't want us to, then we wouldn't hang out with anyone, ever.
posted by greta simone at 5:37 PM on November 4 [5 favorites has favorites]

Your friend is overreacting.
posted by Atreides at 5:37 PM on November 4

Pretty clear to me, he's being irrational, emotionally irresponsible, and is definitely being a dick.
posted by dinx2582 at 5:41 PM on November 4

He's being a dick by letting a natural human impulse overrule his logic.

He'll get over it after graduation.
posted by rokusan at 5:42 PM on November 4 [6 favorites has favorites]

He's being an irrational dick.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 5:43 PM on November 4

Yes, your friend is being a dick.
posted by ixohoxi at 5:46 PM on November 4

Not necessarily being a dick, but not being very cool either.
posted by Pecinpah at 5:48 PM on November 4

I'm sorry, you are allowed to hang out with whomever you want, that person being a friend (of your friend's ex's sister!) nonwithstanding.

There's too many degrees of seperation going on here. It would be understandble if your friend felt weird if you were to put a whole lot of energy into hanging out with the ex immediately after the breakup, but this is patently ridiculous. Your friend needs to let things go.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:49 PM on November 4

What is this, six degrees of separation? He's being a dick, painted on both sides.
posted by Dasein at 5:50 PM on November 4

Yes, your friend is definitely exhibiting phallacious reasoning.
posted by Abiezer at 5:50 PM on November 4 [18 favorites has favorites]

This question is phrased as a yes/no question, so it's understandable that the answers are of the "yes" or "no" variety, but perhaps a better question to ask might be how you can go about hanging out with this woman and maintain your friendship simultaneously. Although he might be acting like an irrational dick in this situation, it's likely because he still feels hurt about the breakup and is concerned about a friend of his spending time with the woman who hurt him (i.e. choosing her over him). Although this might be irrational, you probably could alleviate his fears by talking with him and figuring out what the nature of his fears are, and attempting to assure him that those fears are unfounded: is he worried that you'll start dating his ex? Let him know that that seems unlikely. Is he concerned that you'll hear her side of the story and think less of him? Discuss those fears with him and reassure him (without mentioning that you think he's being an irrational dick!) and it's possible that you can achieve an outcome that is satisfactory for all involved.
posted by tractorfeed at 5:51 PM on November 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

This is ridiculous. Especially if you live in a town smaller than, say, New York.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 5:52 PM on November 4

The notion that your fuck circle gets larger as you get older? Myth. Your friend best learn this now and get over himself.
posted by meerkatty at 5:53 PM on November 4

Yeah, I agree with rokusan and the rest. Grown-ups have to deal with this all the time. Allegiences are to whomever, not all their friends and their friends and so on.
The most I ever respected that sort of principle was when I asked a buddy if she'd care if I dated an ex. If she'd have minded I'd probably have respected that, but no prob, and I frankly would have been surprised if she had minded, because (by then) we were all grown-ups.
posted by bebrave! at 5:54 PM on November 4

He is being a dick, but who's more important to you. Regardless of how much of a dick he's being, calling him out on it and continuing isn't going to help your friendship. You'll have to decide. It sucks, but you will.
posted by InsanePenguin at 5:55 PM on November 4

You are not being the dick here, he is. Maybe I'm too hard-nosed, but I'd call him flat out and tell him to his face to grow the fuck up. If he had a problem with it, he would either have to get over it or find a new friend. I've dropped friends in the past for similarish reasons. Don't tolerate this kind of juvenile behavior.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:04 PM on November 4

Your dick detector is working just fine. Time for a new friend unless this ex became an ex yesterday or so, in which case he'll probably come to his senses and recognize his emotional dickness.
posted by codswallop at 6:08 PM on November 4

This is ridiculous. Especially if you live in a town smaller than, say, New York.

The OP does live in New York, but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous.

Even if hanging out with your friend's ex were so terrible (which it's not), you're not hanging out with your friend's ex. You're hanging out with your friend's ex's sister's friend, fercryinoutloud.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:18 PM on November 4

Another vote for him being a dick.

I'd go so far as to say he should be OK with you dating his ex if you wanted to - without rubbing his face in it - and he should be supportive of your choices, and also of hers.

To me, there's more than a faint reek of "If I can't have her, nobody can!" in his kind of possessive attitude. It's over, dick. Move on & let people live their own lives.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:27 PM on November 4

How likely is it that you're going to see the ex if you're hanging out with a friend of her sister's? I rarely see the boyfriends and girlfriends of my brother's friends--it just doesn't happen that often.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:29 PM on November 4

I kind of suspect he's afraid you're going to hear something through the grapevine that you wouldn't otherwise hear.
posted by advil at 6:38 PM on November 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

This is stupid. Is everyone he knows supposed to get a whole new set of friends that don't know each other every time he breaks up with someone?
posted by oneirodynia at 6:44 PM on November 4

What your friend is actually saying, but not aware of it, is that he is having problems dealing with his feelings regarding his ex girlfriend. Next time he brings this up, firmly ask him how he feels about all that and if you can help him and tell him you are willing to listen.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:59 PM on November 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

I had to read that twice just to figure out the relationship this girl has to your friend.

Dick.
posted by ASM at 7:11 PM on November 4

Why are you friends with 14 year old boys? Dtmfa.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:18 PM on November 4

If you were to ask him to draw a line around the people you can/can't hang out with, how far would it go? His (recent) Ex - ok, not cool. His Ex's sister's friend's cousin's neighbor's math tutor - would she be safe??!

See how ridiculous that sounds? He's the dick.
posted by CathyG at 7:21 PM on November 4

Just to elaborate on a few points, there is a good chance that I would end up being in the same room with his ex at some point if I started spending a decent amount of time with this girl. But as a few of you have pointed out, that shouldn't even matter. I would of course have to choose my friend over this girl if it came to that; we've been close friends for like 10 years now and irrational as he may be right now, it's still not worth losing him as a friend over a girl I really don't know all that well. Anyway, I'm glad to know my dick detector is in perfect working order. I guess I just needed some reassurance that I wasn't in the wrong here.

Also, because a few people asked, he was with this girl for 2 and a half years and she broke up with him 2 months ago now. I actually thought he was finally getting over it until this whole situation developed.
posted by Venadium at 7:21 PM on November 4

Your friend is seriously insecure, and a tich controlling. This wouldn't fly if you were dating them, much less just friends.
posted by Billegible at 8:21 PM on November 4

Is he being an irrational dick

This.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:55 PM on November 4

there is a good chance that I would end up being in the same room with his ex at some point

Adults don't go for this kind of specious connection.
posted by kittyprecious at 6:52 AM on November 5

I would of course have to choose my friend over this girl if it came to that; we've been close friends for like 10 years now and irrational as he may be right now, it's still not worth losing him as a friend over a girl I really don't know all that well.

That sort of consideration runs both ways, of course.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:42 AM on November 5

Could you get anymore removed from your friend's ex? Your friend is being crazy. That said, if he's your friend and it's making him crazy, you should keep that in mind.
posted by chunking express at 8:53 AM on November 5

there is a good chance that I would end up being in the same room with his ex at some point

Yeah, that's still too tenuous.

Going out with the ex's best friend might be something that could reasonably push one's buttons after just two months. Going out with the ex's sister, definitely.

Going out with a friend of the ex's sister is too far out the chain to be reasonable.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:11 AM on November 5

I agree 100% with much of what's been said here. Your friend is being unreasonable about this.

But that said, speaking from personal experience: Your friend might be worrying about his clean break. Maybe he is still at a point where it is too painful/emotional/infuriating to hear about his ex. You hanging around with his ex increases the potential that you will come home with stories about her (or her new boyfriend, maybe?), talk about how well she is doing, etc. Maybe he believes the easiest way for him to move on is to avoid thinking about her entirely. Perhaps the good friend thing to do just making sure you're not regaling him with stories about how well she's doing without him?
posted by citywolf at 2:15 PM on November 6