How to Stop Feeling Fugly?

November 3, 2009 2:51 AM

How to Stop Feeling Fugly?

How do I feel better about the way I look in public?

I know I'm not the most terrible looking person on the planet and I put a good amount of effort to take care of myself as much as I can (eating good, exercising).

And I'm thankful that I have my health, etc.

However, some things you can't change about your body or face. I guess surgery is an option but I'm trying to stay away from that.

I find it hard to keep my head up a lot.

I guess I'm just not that self-confident but how do you build that up.

What if I actually happen to be really fugly?

How do I keep my spirits up?

I try to think of inspiring people like paraplegics and disfigured people. It doesn't seem to help.

Maybe that makes me just as shallow to want to look better. But its not about being vain - just feeling good about myself.

Any thoughts?

posted by simpleton to human relations (25 comments total)

1) Go to the gym. Or if you can't bear gyms, do some exercise. There is some scientific evidence that exercising improves your self-perception of beauty as well as the obvious health/fitness benefits.

2) Dig out a picture of yourself 5 or 10 years ago. Unless you had a horrendous haircut, you'll probably think "I didn't look so bad then". This is what your 5/10 year self from now will be saying about you.

3) Have a shag. I have no scientific evidence for this, but there is nothing like a shag to make you remember that bodies can be quite fun, and not just things to feel bad about.

4) Avoid beauty magazines etc. Even the models themselves don't look like that in real life.

5) Do things that build your confidence - learn a skill, train at something. Engage. Make yourself a better person in your own eyes. It will show through.

6) Print out a picture of someone you consider ugly who is/was successful in their field. My personal favourite is Jean-Paul Sartre. Considered one of the most innovative thinkers of his time, he also bedded a surprising number of ladies. If ol J-P can learn to live with his looks, I bet you can too.
posted by MuffinMan at 3:15 AM on November 3 [4 favorites has favorites]

Learn to draw. Ugliness is what you perceive in the gap between some idealized expectation and actual reality. Drawing forces you to set aside expectations and ideas of what you think things should look like, and simply observe reality. No gap, no ugly.
posted by jon1270 at 3:23 AM on November 3 [7 favorites has favorites]

Make sure your clothes fit and suit you. There's nothing like unflattering clothes you're not comfortable in to make you feel crappy. - or for that matter, a clothing style that was appropriate for you ten years ago but now makes you look juvenile.

You could try Wardrobe Oxygen's take on it, or have a look for "What Not to Wear" for men (assuming you are a man; if you're a woman there are plenty of similar resources out there). If you're overweight it's doubly important, because there ARE really flattering clothes out there and there are also a lot of things that will make you look terrible.

This advice also applies to shoes, glasses and jackets.

Make sure you are getting a decent haircut. It's worth going once to a relatively expensive hair person, telling them you don't know anything about hair (if that's true!) but you just want a smart hair cut that suits you. Once you've got it, a regular cheaper hairdresser will be able to trim it perfectly well.
posted by emilyw at 3:35 AM on November 3 [4 favorites has favorites]

Just popping in to say that What Not to Wear has women on it too (or at least it used to), and that Style has other shows that might be of interest. I just can't think of any right now, but I know that the one with the table that turns over is a good one.
posted by theichibun at 3:43 AM on November 3

Clothes make the man (or woman).

I'm a little addicted to What Not To Wear because wearing better clothing really can be such a massive improvement in the way a person looks and feels. They don't change every life, but when they do, hot dog!

In fact, I like everything emilyw has to say on this subject.
posted by paperzach at 3:46 AM on November 3

What exactly about you do you find "fugly"? Your body shape? Your clothes? Your skin? Your hair? Your face shape?

there are many answers, depending on the problem.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:52 AM on November 3

On a nice day go sit yourself at a park or coffee shop and people watch. Just watch and notice people. Make yourself think one nice thing about their physical features and also make yourself think one thing you have going better than them. Do this for everyone, not just the pretty folk.

I know it seems bitchy but I think it makes me realize that everyone is different and beautiful in their own way and that translates to my own self-image as well. I love people watching and it's pretty easy to do this.

Seriously, I know it might sound like a bad person but this is how it goes in my head,
"Oh wow she's so tall. Ugh I feel fat and short now. But hey, my boobs are bouncier and I have fuller lips."
"Ohh pretty blonde hair. But I think I have a thicker head of hair, I got good volume going on today."

It's a balancing act, although as a self-confidence exercise I don't see the harm in skipping the part about finding something beautiful in a passerby. But don't make that a habit in case I create a conceited monster! ;)

My nose will never win any competitions but I've come to realize that I've got a pretty good skin complexion and my lips and teeth form a great smile. I still hate my nose but I'm ok with it on balance.

Don't do this with a fashion magazine. Normal people.

And I don't know if this is in your current plans at the moment but it also helps to have a partner who thinks you are smokin' hot. I don't know why I ever settled for less (and I have before).
posted by like_neon at 4:03 AM on November 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

Based on your previous question and comments, it seems that you haven't had an easy time of it lately. I'm sorry. I see that you're already exercising and eating well - good for you! You're ahead of most people. I have to say that I personally think almost everyone has some physical beauty to them, and I think your self-image problem is likely rooted in an emotional cause rather than a physical one. Based on your previous posts, it seems that you've recently gone through a separation and have felt undervalued by your family for quite some time - these are big things which can effect one's self-esteem. Have you considered talk therapy? I suggest it because sometimes having an impartial outsider with an aim to improving your (emotional/mental) health can have a bigger impact than self-talk. Everyone struggles to see themselves as others do, and everyone has days where they feel unattractive, but if you aren't seeing anything attractive about yourself I have to say that I think the issue is how you're looking rather than how you look.
posted by pammeke at 4:07 AM on November 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

I read the background from your question a month ago, and not to minimise what you're feeling now but a relationship breakdown will make even the most confident people doubt themselves. It sounds like you're not getting much support from the people around you so counseling would be a good idea — someone who will listen, give you advice, and steer you in the right direction when your thoughts are going down the wrong path. Therapy is the best way for an adult without (or even with) strong social supports to improve their self esteem.

I would say that at the core this isn't so much about feeling fugly but about feeling unlovable. A relationship ending is the worst time for feeling this way, especially if you had low self esteem before. Finding support from a therapist can really help.

Now I'm not saying you're fugly (I haven't even seen you), but...

Fugly is okay. Fugly people enjoy their lives too. They achieve their own personal goals, they laugh themselves silly in front of the TV watching Arrested Development, they have satisfying jobs, they find caring friends and partners who support them, love them, cheer them up, have fun with them, and have awesome sex with them. If you're fugly you can have a million reasons to hold your head up. And chances are you're not fugly anyway — there's a bell curve, most of us look plain old average. Oh, and all that good stuff happens to average-looking people too.
posted by teem at 4:09 AM on November 3

I'm assuming you're a dude, but even if you're a lady:

Do not underestimate how much stock other people place on Clothes, Haircuts, Lifestyle and Personality when determining whether someone is attractive or not. And I don't mean in a vague theoretical sense, I mean in a real-life real sense. A person who is "not the most terrible looking person in the world" but who dresses flatteringly all the time, whose haircut suits them, who has lots of things going on in their life, and who is charming as crap will not be seen by others as fugly.

If you can't change your face or body, who cares? Make sure that other things are as good as they can be and that won't even matter.
posted by 23skidoo at 4:15 AM on November 3

to elaborate a bit about What Not To Wear....

I'm quite a curvy shape and have short legs relative to the top half of me. I also have small boobs and really thick unmanageable hair and a square head. This means that there are many outfits and haircuts and glasses, that may look AWESOME on other people but are very unflattering on me. When I was younger I spent a lot of time wondering how in hell those people managed to look so good in that stuff, and generally feeling unattractive and frumpy because I didn't.

Now, however, I figured out... just because it's fashionable (hello skinny pants) doesn't mean it suits me. Just because it looks awesome on someone else doesn't mean it suits me. Just because it looked beautiful on the coat hanger doesn't mean it fits me. And, just because a big baggy sweater hides all ills, doesn't mean I can't do better.

All I need to do is find the stuff that DOES suit me and DOES flatter me, which in my case means drawing attention to the curvy bits, wearing heels whenever I wear skirts, and cutting my hair short and dying it silly colours.

What Not To Wear is good because it addresses lots of different body shapes, and what does or doesn't flatter those shapes. So hopefully you can find some ideas that will look great ON YOU.
posted by emilyw at 4:46 AM on November 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

You haven't described what you find "fugly" about yourself but your question shows a lack of confidence, and confidence is hugely attractive. Transformatively attractive actually --- the majority of people walking around out there are average-looking or somewhat unattractive at first glance (myself included!) but if they're confident then the first glance doesn't matter. The people you encounter who you look at twice, or want to talk to a bit longer, or remember later with a smile, are usually the ones who display confidence in who they are and what they're doing in the world.
posted by headnsouth at 4:46 AM on November 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

Jon just spoke clear sparkly truth and poetry when he said Ugliness is what you perceive in the gap between some idealized expectation and actual reality.

I'm not a great person to answer this question because I absolutely disagree that clothes make the person or that fashion is anything other than ridiculous hoax to bilk you out of your money. That said, I'm sensitive to body-image issues and understand what it's like to feel...less.

First I think that ugliness is a state of mind. Ugly people are mean people, they're ugly in their interactions and their machinations. They might be strutting the latest Dolce, but it doesn't change who they *are*, and secretly most of them hate who they *are.*

I think that to be comfortable with what you look like, you need to be comfortable with who you *are*. If you don't have an identity outside of work or whatever it is you spend your time doing---work on that. Lots of people don't. Decide who/what you are, make your goals, and live your dream. Living with a purpose makes you feel good and makes you feel capable. Capable, active, compassionate people are beautiful people.
posted by TomMelee at 4:49 AM on November 3 [4 favorites has favorites]

Attitude counts too. Stand up straight, hold your head up, smile and genuinely listen to people. That's always beautiful, no matter what you look like.
posted by typewriter at 5:08 AM on November 3 [3 favorites has favorites]

Find out what colors look best on you. There are lots of resources for this, memail if you want. Then, get a haircut, and wear the bright colors of "your" group every day for a week.

I promise you'll notice a difference.
posted by jgirl at 5:31 AM on November 3

One thing to tell yourself is that people think differently, and you can never know how everyone is going to perceive you. Our tendency is to think that everyone sees us the same way, but this is emphatically untrue. Clothes can help, bearing and attitude make a world of difference, but ultimately many people are going to make thousands of judgments about you beyond your control. And that's ok.
posted by ropeladder at 6:35 AM on November 3

Nthing that clothes help. I gained a lot of weight this past year. I was in denial about it and kept wearing the same clothes because I thought new clothes would mean conceding that I was fat. When I got the new, bigger clothes, I was shocked that many people said "Have you lost weight?" Few people can see the size of your waistline, but many people can notice a spare tire clinging for dear life over your beltloops.
posted by jefficator at 8:19 AM on November 3

Body language is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm not handsome nor very confident. A few years ago I saw something that said assertive people -- men, particularly -- took up a lot off space in a room. They put their arms along chair backs, etc. Whereas timid people folded in on themselves. Well, i decided to start being that room-filling guy, and after not very long I noticed that it really did influence people around me, which in turn made me feel more confident.

So go ahead and prime that pump a little. Act like the person you want to be, and don't be surprised if you become them. And don't act like the person you don't want to be, also.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:39 AM on November 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

There is really very little about yourself that you cannot change. Weight issues can be addressed through diet and exercise. Grooming issues can be addressed through practicing better grooming skills. Too skinny? Lift weights and eat big. Don't like your hair color/style? Well there are some things you can do about that, too. Some things will take longer than others, but a consistent effort will yield results.

But your question asks how you can change how you feel. It seems like you somehow know that you are not fugly, but that you feel fugly anyway. You are (assuming you don't have mental difficulties that should be addressed by a professional) in control of what you think and how you feel. You can change both of these with practice.

Look to inspirational sources of ideas to help elevate your thoughts from fugliness to beauty. I particularly like As a Man Thinketh and The Book of Mormon, but if religion and proto-new-age thinkism aren't your thing, find the inspiration where you can.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 10:03 AM on November 3

If you're ugly, you're ugly, and people telling you otherwise doesn't help. It makes you defensive. How do I know? I'm ugly. I have an ugly face, one that's partially paralyzed, and nothing I can do will ever fix it (surgery won't help, the nerves are shot). I can't even hide it under clothes - its my FACE, its out there for the world to see.

But who cares? I smile at strangers, I talk to people I meet, I wear clothes that make me feel confident, I go out in the world with my head held high, and if some idiot wants to whistle at me and get my attention just to tell me I'm ugly, well, good on him for pointing out the obvious. Hey genius, guess what, water's wet but you don't need to call attention to that now do you?

I guess my point is that who CARES if you're fugly? There are a lot of ugly, unattractive people out in the world, and they have jobs and relationships and friends and spawn children and have people miss them something terrible when they aren't around. Yes, beauty is great. Pretty people get pretty mates. They get compliments from strangers (and women get hit on by all kinds of guys they'd probably rather just left them alone). There are all kinds of studies out there about how they get better jobs or more raises or whatever. Who knows how true that is. But it doesn't matter. I have friends. I have a job. I have hobbies. I'm ugly, but I have a life. And its a pretty good life.

So maybe if telling yourself "I'm actually attractive" doesn't work for you (it never did for me), stand up, look yourself squarely in the mirror, and stick your tongue out at yourself. Then dress up in your best most confidence boosting clothes, take yourself out to a dinner and a movie, hold your head up high, and enjoy life. Its there for everyone.
posted by sandraregina at 10:55 AM on November 3 [8 favorites has favorites]

I had a similar mindset to yours back in the day, and the ways I learned to change those feelings were to: 1, fixed the physical things about my appearance that bothered me the most, and 2, not judge myself or others as ugly or attractive.

1. Fixing the things about your appearance that bother you the most:
   
   This doesn't mean "get plastic surgery," or rationalizing "I'm ugly but at least I'm [smart/rich/witty/successful/etc.]." I mean to seriously fix what bothers you. Do you have a terrible complexion? Book an appointment with an esthetician, get treatments done for your skin, and schedule regular appointments to keep your skin in tip top shape.
   Does your hair always look a mess? Get a professional to cut your hair and put a little time everyday to style your hair in the morning before you leave. Are you overweight or otherwise unsatisfied with your body? Stabilize your blood sugar, eat better/less food, walk tall everywhere you go.
   Hate how your clothes look? Try on everything before you buy, and only buy things that fit you well and look good on you. Don't just buy things because they're on sale, or that will look good once you've lost some weight. Buy what looks good on your now, and remember you don't need to buy an entire wardrobe at once.
   
   
2. Not judge myself or others as ugly or attractive:
   
   Try your best at presenting yourself in the best light, and remember that everyone else feels flawed to a degree and are trying their best to present themselves well too. It's a little counterproductive to try to seek out photos of people who are "successful yet are ugly," since that's still some sort of rationalizing mindset. Your attractiveness isn't what makes you YOU; attractiveness is more of the gestalt rather than facial features and body shape.
   
   What really makes people attractive is how they carry themselves, how they treat others and themselves, to care what people think of themselves, the pride and effort they put into their work, and their overall authenticity. It's all much simpler than what the media would have you think.

My first suggestion of "fixing" may seem like some sort of incredible investment in time and money, but if you just do a little bit at a time and find the right resources they can make a huge difference in how you feel about yourself.

Perhaps another thing to think about is to avoid comparing and competing with other people. Work on being your best and people (as well as yourself) will take notice.

Good luck.
posted by wiretap at 12:10 PM on November 3

I forget where I read this advice, but it's helped me:

-Think of someone who loves you and envision yourself as they see you. Look in the mirror and think about all the parts that they like about you. Imagine how the person who loves you would feel if they knew you felt so bad about yourself? When I did this, I thought about how my grandma would feel if she knew I thought of myself as ugly. It seemed to help.

-Imagine what a good looking person would act like and then act as though you are good looking.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:02 PM on November 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

Something else to keep in mind (in addition to the excellent advice above) is that ugliness is not universal.

One day I realised that there were people my friends called attractive but I didn't agree; and there were people I thought take-your-breath-away beautiful but left my friends cold. Surely the same applies to ugliness, I thought. A few quick tests showed me that it does.
posted by phliar at 5:24 PM on November 3

One the strongest memories I have is of an incident from a day, a bit like today. A little chilly, not quite cold -- brisk. I was waiting for this bus and there was only one other person standing nearby, an older gentleman.

To this day, I haven't the slightest as to what drove him to reprimand me -- perhaps it was my expression, perhaps he was irritated that the bus was late. What ever the reason, he looked over and said:

"Hey! You stand up straight! Be proud of you are!"

I am still taken aback when I remember that moment. It was brash. It was as if he had seen something so intolerable he could not contain his frustrations. I remember being too shocked to be angry; and of course I also remember avoiding him when the bus came.

It's funny how these little comments stick. Over the years, through the joys and successes, through those indignities and humiliating choices that life provides; that voice returns. He reminds me to steel my spine, to own my experience and to remember why, what, and who I want to make proud.

All this from an old coot that had a problem with my posture.
posted by cheez-it at 8:25 PM on November 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

Stop watching TV, stop reading magazines. You'll get better in a few months.
posted by kathrineg at 4:35 PM on November 6