How do I stop being contemptuous?

November 2, 2009 9:37 PM

How do I stop being contemptuous of my fellow human beings?

Whether it is reading AskMefi questions about relationships or dealing with coworkers, I am constantly and silently contemptuous. I really do enjoy the sensation I get from schadenfreude and tend to feed it. Back during the days where I was very, very depressed I would read the pro-anorexia and teen pregnancy communities on LiveJournal just to feel better about myself. I'm better now (diagnosed bipolar + medicated) and look back on those days with mild disgust, but the behavior has only been abated.

When my friends (close friends, family, for all intents and purposes) have problems, I help them out as sincerely and objectively as I can, if it is my place to help them. However, there's always that pleasure-center-light-up saying "Ha ha! I'm better than you!" Not literally, of course, but I have a tough time describing exactly why I feel good. It is not their situation, exactly, that I derive pleasure from but all of their mistakes that have led up to this point, all of their emotions and psychological difficulties that make mine look a little paler in comparison. I certainly do not feel good because I am helping a friend out of a jam, at least not while helping them -- afterward a certain resolution point in their life, I do feel a bit of pride knowing I've made someone's, a friend's, life easier.

Considering these are more-or-less well-adjusted people who regularly rely on me for life advice, I assume I genuinely help and they have no idea what is actually up. No one has ever said a word to me about it, and considering the way people act toward me, I doubt I ever show it. But I still make myself sick, occasionally, when I realize the pleasure I get from other people's misfortune. And I want to stop.

Help?

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

I know this isn't explicit advice as to how to change this pattern of behavior, but it's worth pointing out. A recent study in Israel demonstrated that schadenfreude may actually induce stronger activation of reward centers in people than personal gain (I'd cite it here, but I don't think it's been published yet). Seeing someone else suffer can be more rewarding than having something good happen to you. This might not be the way we'd like to be, but it's the way we are, so just keep doing your best to help others when you can, and don't get too bent out of shape when you enjoy other people's misfortune. For whatever reason, we're wired up that way...
posted by solipsophistocracy at 9:46 PM on November 2 [2 favorites]

In my view, the opposite of contempt is compassion. Perhaps some of the books on this reading list might spark your interest? (I am generally most interested in the buddhist perspective on these things, so I would personally recommend starting with Pema Chodron or the Dalai Lama.)
posted by scody at 9:55 PM on November 2 [1 favorite]

Maybe your problem is not that you feel contempt towards others, but that you're beating yourself up over feeling an emotion? It's ok to feel "bad" emotions towards/about people, as long as you don't treat treat them badly.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:01 PM on November 2 [1 favorite]

As solipsophistocracy said, I would say everyone experiences this feeling occasionally.

I'm trying to think of instances where I've felt the slight (or more than slight) contempt and others where I've felt compassion more solely and compare them. I'm thinking the more strongly compassionate moments occur when I both very sincerely care about the person's well-being and also realize that I could very well be in their position or in another position of personal plight. The "no one's perfect, neither this person or I" attitude.

Regardless, I wouldn't fret over feeling this way sometimes. I don't think it's black-or-white and I know there have been times I've felt both compassion and "schadenfreude" toward the same person about the same issue.
posted by Defenestrator at 10:02 PM on November 2

You don't like yourself. That's clear. Find something to like about yourself, or, absent that, develop yourself into someone that is worthy of your own liking. If you actually liked yourself you wouldn't need other people's misery to feel right.
posted by meadowlark lime at 10:03 PM on November 2 [6 favorites]

If I had to take a stab in the dark I would say that the supposed pleasure in the sufferings of others is not so much pleasure as relief, as the pressure of that enormous heavy stone is (seemingly) lifted off you for a moment and put on someone else. But our feelings and inward thoughts do not directly affect the world (not unless and until they move us to action): it isn't as if your contemptuous feelings are shooting out of your eyes and zapping your friends or tunneling through the internet to heap additional misery on the various lonely hearts losers looking for love advice. It is all staying where it starts, rattling around in your own head, and it will eventually find a place in there to land on the only person available (guess who). If you start to look carefully at yourself, at your (I do not doubt difficult and unenviable) history, at the helpless child you once were, suffering at the whim of fortune, at the struggle and pain you contend with daily as an adult, if you allow yourself to be genuinely soft-hearted and compassionate toward yourself, you may find that your reactions to the suffering of others will change.
posted by nanojath at 10:07 PM on November 2 [9 favorites]

Feeling guilty or ashamed of your inner thoughts is ridiculous. Your private thoughts don't matter. Your actions matter. If you can control your outward behavior and keep this sick enjoyment from influencing what you say and do, it's not really a problem. Besides, if you correct the actions entirely (i.e. don't cheat by browsing sad LJs or milk friends for their tales of woe; literally act like a truly sympathetic person all the time), the pattern of thought will eventually change as well.
(I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with this, but it's worked extremely well for me. And maybe it's not something everyone can actually do. But what do you have to lose by trying?)
posted by hjo3 at 10:12 PM on November 2 [8 favorites]

Lest you think you're alone in feeling this way, I'd point out a popular website; only successful because of the commonality of that that emotion.

Doesn't address your desire not to feel it, but accepting the feeling as natural, common, and human might be a start in that direction.
posted by oblio_one at 10:13 PM on November 2 [1 favorite]

Well, look at it this way: While you were a schmuck laughing at schmucks, some other schmuck probably got some enjoyment out of your schmuckery, and now you're leaving that schmuck out in the cold.

It's just like the seasons!
posted by Sys Rq at 10:38 PM on November 2

Do you feel upset when your friends seek advice from others? when they don't take your advice? when they find your advice hasn't worked?

one theory...

Most people define themselves by their positive characteristics, not their negative ones. I bet if you honestly described yourself, you'd say something along the lines of "Yeah, I've [bad things], but overall I'm [good things]. This is a good way to look at yourself--and probably true.

Your problem may be that you worry your troubles will define you, so you zealously and nervously protect the good things you want to be defined by. In this case it may be your problem-solving or an intelligence that it represents.

If people come to you for advice, it represents the good defining you in their eyes. You worry that they won't need you, but when they screw up it means they do.

For some, any challenge to that good thing seems a threat to their positive self-image. They cling to it like a life preserver in what feels like a tumultuous sea.

If you think this may be part of the problem, then try to realize that the good things can still define you in the eyes of those who love you, even if those things aren't perfect.

Find the good things about yourself. Then spend your energy expanding them instead of protecting them.


One more note:
Stay on your medicine. Its obvious you mean a lot to your friends and family, especially when you are well.
posted by chris p at 10:49 PM on November 2 [2 favorites]

However, there's always that pleasure-center-light-up saying "Ha ha! I'm better than you!" Not literally, of course, but I have a tough time describing exactly why I feel good. It is not their situation, exactly, that I derive pleasure from but all of their mistakes that have led up to this point, all of their emotions and psychological difficulties that make mine look a little paler in comparison.

This isn't a problem involving you feeling contemptous of other people. Its a problem of you not liking yourself. You admit as much. Indeed, the irony of this is that the part of you that loves yourself, that you don't want to acknowledge, is trying to tell you you're not so bad--your contempt for them may be one of your only sources of self-praise.

Start to get an idea of some of these thoughts in your life. That's your first step.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:55 PM on November 2 [3 favorites]

Remember:

Contempt is like acid for relationships; it erodes them.

Regarding compassion, you may want to start practicing mindfulness; periodically ask yourself "What am I doing right now?" and then think about the answer.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:04 PM on November 2

Meditate on forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive them. Try not to reap the whirlwind.
posted by melangell at 11:48 PM on November 2

well, you don't have enough going on for yourself. You're bored and possibly afraid to discover your own talents. Think about what it is that you love and have passion for. Then do that and hang out with people who do that same thing really well. Each person is meant to find their voice...you'll find that once you are more fully engaged in things that sincerely resonate with you ...you will be less likely to have fun putting people down. Think about the most "self actualized" people you know. Emulate them. You need some mastery in your life.
posted by naplesyellow at 12:28 AM on November 3

(I like the Buddhist references mentioned above, and would try to make use of them in what I'm describing here:)

What occurs to me when reading your post is that you probably need a more solid basis for why you want to make the change. It sounds like you consider this type of thinking a mistake because it's something other people wouldn't approve of if they found out--it's just something you're not "supposed" to do for some reason.

But I think you need to investigate that further. Why exactly is it better to think of someone with compassion instead of contempt? I think if you really examine your thoughts, emotions, actions, etc. it's possible to see that there's a clear difference in terms of feeling better, obtaining better results, and so on. (Also I think that thoughts themselves are significant, regardless of whether they lead to direct expression or action--they are always having subtle, indirect effects in any case.)

You need to come to your own conclusion based on that investigation, regardless of what anyone else might say is appropriate or inappropriate. I think once you do it will be natural to gravitate to what you think is right. (For example, maybe after thorough investigation you somehow decide that thinking of people with contempt is actually better--then why would you need to feel bad about it?)

But another key point is not to make a huge deal out of noticing this mistake. Noticing a mistake is actually a beneficial thing, because it gives you an opportunity to change it. Also, you don't have to totally eradicate the mistake all at once--if you can make some tiny change, then that builds momentum to make a slightly larger change the next time and so on.
posted by dixie flatline at 1:33 AM on November 3

To express the attitude I would probably take in terms of a silly conversation with oneself, I'd say something like, "Oh, hello, contemptuous mind! There you are again. You're welcome here. But for now, I'm not totally going along with your agenda. Although your point of view does have some merit, it also needs to be brought into a larger context which includes more of the overall picture." etc.
posted by dixie flatline at 1:54 AM on November 3

I am going to nth self-loathing her as the culprit. I made tremendous strides towards becoming more generous and compassionate towards other people after learning to love myself.
posted by schmichael at 4:09 AM on November 3 [2 favorites]

It sounds like you're mentally knocking others down to attempt to elevate your opinion of yourself. I do that too sometimes, and recognizing it is the first step to stopping it.

The first thing is to remind yourself is that jealousy and schadenfreude are actually counterproductive; they don't affect their targets at all, they don't produce anything good for you, they just stew in you and make you look petty and distance you yet more from the people you're thinking about. It benefits you much more to be supportive of people - not only will you feel better and less knotted-up, but people will be much more willing to help you in turn. When I have trouble feeling all warm and fuzzy about people, the cynical what's-in-it-for-me view can sometimes tip me towards compassion because I know it'll make me better.

Consider volunteering at a place where you will meet and interact with people who are genuinely and significantly worse off than you. It's common to get that Better Than You smugness when someone who's roughly on your level gets knocked down a rung; it's pretty hard to be smug when you're talking to a homeless person. Getting up close to these people helps too: it's easy to be snarky about someone on a teen pregnancy board who can't even spell "pregnancy," but when you meet someone in person and find out that, for example, she went to a shitty school that inadequately taught both spelling and sex ed, and she has no support system and she trusted this guy who dumped her and her heart is absolutely broken, etc, even if you're hard-hearted it's really difficult to look all that misfortune in the face, see it cry, and still feel superior.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:40 AM on November 3

I would guess that you grew up in an atmosphere where it wasn't safe to be weak. When you failed, you felt treated with contempt by those who were important to you (e.g. your parents) even if this contempt wasn't obviously or explicitly expressed towards you. (It may have been merely a distancing but was experienced as a withdrawal.) You then idealized these important figures and identified with them and wished to be like them. You wanted to see the weakness in others and be the strong (i.e. contemptuous) one in the relationship. And to a large degree, you succeeded.

You now wish to undo this defense. And you've achieved the first step which is to have contempt for your own weakness which required the defense in the first place. The next step is to understand/empathize with the child who needed to feel strong and be like the withdrawing adults. Reown that child rather than project it on to others. Then you will be able to empathize with the weakness of others instead of distancing yourself from it.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:56 AM on November 3 [1 favorite]

I would say the opposite of contempt is respect. I think it is important to set respect as your default. If someone has to earn your disrespect, rather than earn your respect, then you will increase your respect for most.
One of the most fundamental differences between myself and anyone else is that I am aware of my thought processes and motivations. Others are only aware of my actions. From actions (and communications) we can try to divine intent. We must accept that often this is an error-prone process. We do not know the experiences of others or whether we would have done the same under similar circumstances and backgrounds.
It was said above that your problem is mitigated by not acting contemptuous. However, one step beyond this is that there is no need to judge people who are not acting in a manner that does not affect you. That includes the folks on MeFi q and a. To extend this further, you don't need to judge OJ Simpson, unless somehow he comes into your personal sphere. Any other desire for such judgment is entertainment value. This does not mean you have to consider OJ Simpson innocent (of anything), it just means you don't need to waste your precious vital spirits on his judgment.
America has an "industry of contempt." Talk show hosts with white trash guests talk about their personal experiences with inbreeding. Paternalistic and maternalistic TV judges who make fun of the litigants for our vicarious needs.
There is a common, sick desire to watch and enjoy this behavior, to feel superior to someone in a world where we often feel helpless.
We must avoid feeding into this. As the old Indian saying goes, you cannot judge a human until you walk a mile in their moccasins.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:25 AM on November 3 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure how to pull this cleanly out of a religious framework, but I know of extremely contemptuous people who became evangelical Christians and were thereafter remarkably compassionate.

I don't think the answer for you is necessarily in changing religions. These people all have said to me that a burgeoning awareness of how easily (and deservedly) God could regard them with contempt but has chosen to view them with love and forgiveness has made them likewise more likely to view others with love and forgiveness. The key, they say, is precisely the Christian notion of "grace"--favor shown to someone who does not deserve it. The people have merited contempt, but you elect graciously to show them favor.

Perhaps if you took an objective standpoint on your own importance in the world? How easily (and deservedly?) the world might show you contempt, but grace exists nevertheless? Perhaps you decide to be a channel of unmerited favor in the world instead of a channel of the contempt that people certainly deserve?

Not sure if it is at all helpful, but I certainly have been shocked by the change it has brought about it a few people I know.
posted by jefficator at 7:47 AM on November 3

If it motivates you any more to change this attitude, consider that I know several people like this, and it's absolutely apparent--maybe not always to the person they're "supporting", but sometimes in the non-verbal cues around how they speak of the person/incident.

Ask yourself how you'd like to be regarded at your lowest by those you have loved, and believe you have the respect of. Next time, try being that.
posted by availablelight at 8:21 AM on November 3

I used to get a lot, A LOT of joy from Schadenfreude.

And then I had a divorce and started a sort of spiritual quest. The two had nothing to do with each other, but the transformation that I went through was intense and astounding. Of course, you don't *need* to go through your own personal apocalypse to transform the way you think.

One thing that has truly, truly changed my life is to change the way I look at people. Literally. I used to be the kind of person who would people-watch in order to mock other people, either silently or aloud to like minded Schadenfreude loving friends. I can't believe I used to be that petty. Now, whenever I see anyone - anywhere - on the street, I try and think of one GOOD thing about that person. If I can't notice anything physical that strikes me as beautiful, I simply remind myself that each of us was born and that the moment of our birth was the highlight of someone's life.

It has totally, totally changed my life. Completely. Not only do I no longer take joy in other people's pain or scorn others, but I am truly *happier.* Much, much happier. And it's a very different kind of happiness, a deeper sort of happiness than being happy from being "better" than someone else.

Try it. Anytime you have a contemptous thought, just let it be, and try to counter it with a good one. "Oh, her shoes totally don't match her pants. But she has pretty eyes." Don't judge yourself for the negative thoughts, just try your best to add positive thoughts into the mix. I promise you, the negative thoughts will eventually just drop off. One day you'll notice that you simply don't have them anymore (or at least, not nearly as often).

(Also: The Art of Happiness by His Holiness the Dalai Lama is a great read.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:51 AM on November 3 [2 favorites]