stepmom advice

November 2, 2009 8:55 PM

Step-parenting filter: Looking for general advice on being a new step mom.

My friend (female, let's call her "S") is getting married fairly soon. The groom-to-be ("G") has a 9-year-old son ("B") from a previous marriage. I have no idea how to advise my friend, so I turn to you.

A specific ongoing issue is discipline. S is afraid to discipline B because she's not quite sure it's her place to do so. She feels B is disrespectful (to her and to others, including G), and that G is too lenient with him.

B also spends pretty much all his time on the computer or on video games, to the point where B wakes up yelling in his dreams because someone has taken his video games. S is trying to get G to teach his son to spend his time on other things. But G is also worried about B hating him.

So I guess I am looking for advice about disciplining as a step mom. Where does her authority with him begin and end? I realize that they will have to decide that themselves. But I guess I'm looking for guidelines?

Any other advice you may have for a new step mom also welcome, not necessarily just discipline advice.

Thanks!!!

posted by cheemee to human relations (14 comments total)

If your friend goes into this thinking that B owes her the respect due a parent, she's in for a rude surprise. Your friend isn't B's parent until B decides that she is. And disciplining is not a good start towards getting B to accept her as such. If she thinks that B needs more discipline then she needs to apply her energy towards getting G to apply discipline, not towards disciplining.

I'm not saying that she should coddle or spoil B, just that for now (and maybe for a long while) she should focus on positive reinforcement. B does owe her the respect due an adult and, with a little luck and a little time, she might just get it.
posted by 256 at 9:04 PM on November 2

This needs to be agreed upon with the boys father. Then, the law needs to be clearly explained to the boy. He needs to know what to expect. There should be clear consequences and rewards for various actions.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:14 PM on November 2

Well, I've stepped a few times...my policy is this:

It's best to step back and remember your place. You should be the firm but fun adult, the "Whatever your Mom and Dad says" person. Be as supportive and positive towards their Mother as best you can...sometimes this is hard or impossible. Try harder.

Don't take things personally...it's not the kids' fault that their Mom and Dad aren't together, yet they (the child) are bearing a heavy burden. They want the parents to be together (naturally) and since that isn't happening for whatever reason, it's painful for the kids for you to even exist.

You must be super sensitive to this, and as an adult, it falls on you to keep your opinions and hurts to yourself, otherwise you risk alienating the kid, his father and his mother, resulting in a mess and the wicked step-mother tag.

Don't take any crap, but the onus is on you (and hopefully the willing parents) to mitigate the damage for the kids...sometimes the very best thing I can do as a step-mother is to politely excuse myself and pursue my own interests so the kids can have their Dad time. This works out nicely for everyone.

When it's time for me to come back, the kids are happy to see me, they're sick of their Dad or whatever, and then it's my turn to just be the cool grown-up who Dad is married to.

Don't exactly ignore the disrespect stuff (I don't ignore disrespect...in our house and with our arrangement, all four grown-ups are on the same page, so yay) but DO NOT take it to heart, and don't try to discipline too much. A mutual respect has to be reached before any discipline would even be effective.

"We don't talk like that here" works pretty good for me. If the kid escalates, I just turn to his father and sort of give him the "You deal with this" look.

Step-parenting is a very hard job with very little appreciation and sometimes outright scorn. Sometimes you want to rip the little buggers head off and they'd like to see you fall off a cliff.

Remember to keep a level head, do your own thing, and try to come to a place where you and the child respect each other (and obviously, this needs to start with you , the adult).

Good luck, you'll need it ;)
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:43 PM on November 2 [4 favorites]

B also spends pretty much all his time on the computer or on video games, to the point where B wakes up yelling in his dreams because someone has taken his video games.

You know, maybe a good Step One is to not judge this kid for being so into computers and video games. Computers and video games may be a very safe place for him, away from dealing with the fact that his bio parents aren't together and he has to have a stepmom. He's NINE, his life is in a state of extreme change, and he deserves not to be judged and told he needs to change even more. Honestly, it's none of S's beeswax to decide that this is inappropriate or what, and if dad is lenient about it, maybe dad has a good reason for being lenient about it, because perhaps he recognizes that it's an emotionally safe environment for the kid.
posted by so_gracefully at 11:39 PM on November 2 [1 favorite]

S is afraid to discipline B ... she's not quite sure it's her place to do so.

These are important communication issues that need to be addressed to everyone's satisfaction before anything permanent like marriage occurs.

She feels B is disrespectful (to her and to others, including G), and that G is too lenient with him.

These are important differences in parenting styles that need to be addressed to everyone's satisfaction before anything permanent like marriage occurs.

S is trying to get G to teach his son to spend his time on other things.

If S is trying to change G now, then they need to address their differences to everyone's satisfaction before anything permanent like marriage occurs.

Step and blended families are no different from other relationships --- they're all about communication and mutual respect first, separate from love and affection. Everything your friend is worried about with regard to the child B is really a communication/respect issue that needs to be addressed between her and her fiance G. She does not believe that G is raising his child properly and wants him to change his ways. That G does not step in when the child is disrespectful means she does not feel valued and protected by G, and wants him to change his ways. She can't change his ways. She can only communicate her needs and ask him to meet them, while trying to meet his needs as well. A parent's approach to childrearing is a pretty fundamental thing, and it's a reflection of his approach to other things as well. Things don't get easier after marriage, and they certainly don't get easier as kids approach adolescence and the teen years.

(I am a custodial mom whose kids had a sort-of stepmother for a few years, and a stepfather who is in their lives even after his marriage to their mother ended.)
posted by headnsouth at 12:01 AM on November 3 [2 favorites]

Big agreement with headnsouth; S and G (and the bio mom would be a big plus) need to get in agreement regarding discipline and shaping of B's life. Marriages can easily dissolve over parenting issues, and beyond the impact of a divorce with S and G, this will have a still larger impact on B. I'm really hoping the the marriage is in a year from now, so S and G can work through this, because if the wedding is in a few weeks or less, this seems like a recipe for disaster.

To repeat; parenting is a big thing, and S and G have to agree on what they're doing. S might think she's only marrying G, but B, G's bio-mom and anyone that bio-mom starts dating (and assuming the bio mom has any custody) all come as part of the package.
posted by nobeagle at 6:11 AM on November 3

I wonder if, at this point, parenting advice is less critical than something like teacher advice/training. Your friend and her fiance need to be on the same page about parenting before she can take on a parenting role--if they're not already doing pre-marital couples' counseling, they should be.

That said, a teacher is generally expected to support a child's development while acting as an authority figure and maintaining expectations for the child's behavior without taking on a parental role. I think this might be a useful model while the fiance and your friend work out their strategy for living as a married couple and caring for this boy.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:28 AM on November 3

I don't have any specific advice to offer, but a few years ago an artist friend of mine and former stepmother put together a collection of rather emotional and somewhat caustic pieces about "the stepmother experience". (Click "exhibition" at top left to see all the pieces. The comments page is illuminating too.) I suppose some of the art in there constitutes advice!
posted by ldenneau at 7:13 AM on November 3

It is not her job to discipline B. I say that as a former stepmother who is still in touch with the now grown stepkids and the mother of children who have had stepmothers. It is the parent's job to discipline the child, period, full stop. The fastest way to get on the kids - and the other parent's - permanent shitlist is to step in heavy handed and start with the discipline. Now. This does not mean that New Stepmother must make like a rug and be walked on. She has every right to set ground rules and say, "This is how we do stuff in this house. We go to bed at x time. We all eat together at x time. We don't shout at each other. Etc." Setting the rules is a job for both the parent and the step parent; enforcing those rules is up to the actual parent.

My feeling is that the role of the step parent is that of the child's best friend and impartial advocate. When or if the parents start wrangling; when and if the child needs extra help, that's what the step parent is there for. It's okay to spoil your stepkid a little. It's good to listen to him all the time; to talk to him as you would talk to a close friend; to support him in his endeavours and to love him. It's not okay to judge him, to complain bitterly about him, to shut him out or to feel jealous of him.

When I was a new stepmother I found out what the kids wanted to do during their summer time with us and we did that. We took the water taxi and we went to the museums and the zoo. We went to the Imax theatre and everyone threw up. We made cookies and worked on long homework projects and went looking for the perfect dress. Parenting, step or otherwise, is just as much about fun as it is about discipline. If all B wants to do is play video games I'd advise your friend to learn a few herself.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:52 AM on November 3 [3 favorites]

My brother in law has a step daughter. I think, generally, his wife does all the disciplining. I think if you look around online you'll find this is common advice. That isn't to say your friend should put up with disrespectful behaviour, but this seems like something the biological parent should be working to take care of.
posted by chunking express at 8:02 AM on November 3

Having tried and failed to be a step-parent, I have strong feelings about this.

I will very, very strongly recommend that your friend let the biological father do the disciplining whenever possible (except to protect herself or others, or when the father is not around and the issue is urgent). If she has strong concern about how this child is being parented, she should address her concerns to the child's parent - not to the child - who will certainly resent her for any parenting she tries to foist on him.

For long term survival of all the involved relationships, I recommend she do her best to be this child's friend, not his boss. If she hopes he'll expand his activities from video game playing, maybe she can take the initiative to introduce him to new, cool activities - or just to take him to the movies - as building a positive rapport with him will go way further than telling him what to do.
posted by serazin at 8:14 AM on November 3 [1 favorite]

I just wanted to add for your friend....remember to always start over fresh every day. They were a little shit yesterday? Forget that...start over each day with a clean slate.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:30 AM on November 3

re: this point: Absorption in video games is no substitute for honest-to-goodness therapy. The kid should be in therapy anyway, if only to have a place to talk about his feelings where it doesn't provide ammunition for adults fighting.

Excessive video game playing (or TV watching) are a symptom of a larger problem. It's an escape, and no one is doing anyone a favor by not addressing it as early as possible.
posted by parilous at 10:33 AM on November 3

Being a successful stepmother is like being a much loved aunt, with about the same amount of authority.

Leave the discipline to the bioparents and bite your tongue. If the mother has primary custody, your friend's husband's ability to parent his son will be severely limited--particularly if biomom gets angry, jealous, or competitive.

The mother's parenting style will likely be the one that you and your husband will need to conform to or there will be hell to pay. That hell is not only hell for you it's hell for the kid and hell for the dad too.

Your friend's job is to not let the inevitable conflict with biomom drive a wedge between her and her husband. It's hard work, and it takes many years before it becomes rewarding.

It took about eight years for our new family to settle in and become comfortable. Those eight years were hard. I'm glad we stuck with it.
posted by WyoWhy at 6:28 PM on November 3