Is it okay to lie to your parents to avoid seeing them on the holidays?

November 1, 2009 2:23 PM

How can I handle my feelings for my parents during this holiday season?

I am a 40 year old, single woman, without children. I have lived away from my parents for the past 15 years or so, but recently, they have moved to 1 hour away from me (not to be near me, but to be near relatives).

Although my past with them, both as a child and up to the past year, has not been the WORST, it has been extremely difficult. My parents were both very prominent in our church, yet did not do as they "preached" at home.

I try to limit my time with them as much as possible as I have felt, and still do, very anxious, even to the point of heart palpitations, headaches, sweating, stomach aches, when I have plans to be around them and then during the time when I am around them.

At the same time, I fear NOT going to Thanksgiving and Christmas as the fall out from that may be difficult as well (calling me on the phone to chew me out, talking badly about me to the relatives).

I am "past" the point of trying to work this out with them, as I have tried, but they just can not accept me as an adult with valid opinions. They still look at me as a child and treat my concerns as such. So, what should I do?

Usually, I give an excuse, a lie, to get out of seeing them on at least one of the 2 holidays, then spend it alone....which may or may not be too bad. (please do not tell me to go spend the holiday with "friends").

I just do not want to go. What should I do?
Thank you everyone!

posted by bananaskin to human relations (32 comments total)

You know, you don't have to lie. It's your life, and you're not a bad person if you avoid spending the holidays with people who make you miserable. Your obligations to them ended about twenty-two years ago.
posted by roger ackroyd at 2:28 PM on November 1, 2009 [8 favorites]

If you don't want to go, you shouldn't go. Period. There is no need to make yourself miserable. I'm a big believer that there isn't any point in placating unpleasant people just because you share genes with them. So they gossip about you; who cares? You get to have a peaceful holiday season without personally witnessing their drama.

You also don't have to answer the phone when they call, you know.
posted by something something at 2:29 PM on November 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

If you don't want to go, don't go, especially if the anxiety makes you physically sick.

But if you feel like you can tolerate an hour or so with them, tell them that you have made a promise to spend the day with a friend who is feeling pretty rotten (a breakup, sick, dealing with other troubles, you choose the "friend's" issue), but say you'll stop by for a short while before or after spending time with this "friend" (preferably before, so you have a set time that you arrive and leave). It might be a balance so you avoid the chewing out, but know that after a certain amount of time, you're free to leave and spend the rest of the day/night as you please.

I understand the stress of spending time with family in these situations. I have, on occasion, made up some kind of lie to get me out of spending the whole sprawled out holiday with them.
posted by raztaj at 2:33 PM on November 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

If both attending and not attending are provoking such anxiety, I gently suggest that you're not exactly comfortable with your decision to reduce your parents' presence in your life. You may want to consider talking to a therapist or counselor to help you be more at peace with this.

As for the holidays, well, it's up to you. You don't have to go. You can tell them that you have other plans, and you don't have to tell them that those plans are to eat ice cream in your PJs watching movies on your sofa (or whatever.)

What do you want to do for the holidays?
posted by desuetude at 2:41 PM on November 1, 2009 [4 favorites]

Do what ever it takes to be on the best terms with everyone in your life. Sometimes that means absenting yourself from their company.

This is a very hard thing to do concerning parents, because we're hard-wired to love our parents, no matter how rotten they may be. Recognize that and don't be alarmed or ashamed of being conflicted. Some people are better loved at a distance, and in this case it seems that is the best of two bad choices.
posted by Pistol at 2:43 PM on November 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

There are going to be more holidays. Deal with it now and set the example you want to follow.

You don't have to go. Tell them you've got a tradition of being with friends. Or go, but stay only a short while, like just for dessert.
posted by theora55 at 2:45 PM on November 1, 2009

I just do not want to go. What should I do?

Don't go. And don't care how they talk about you to "the relatives." You have nothing to gain by capitulating to their wishes. They make you unhappy, and yet, you don't deserve that. If they want to be around you again, let them figure out how to make nice.
posted by bricoleur at 2:52 PM on November 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

You don't have to go if you don't want to, and you don't have to lie. If asked, you have "other plans." If you feel truly awful about that, go for an hour or so and give everyone an exit time as you come in so no one is surprised when you bail.

You also don't have to deal with your parents' drama if there's fall-out from this; there is no reason to stay on the phone with someone who is chewing you out on the phone. That's the nice thing about being a grown-up: you get to say, "Unfortunately, I can't continue this conversation if you're just going to yell at me and try to make me feel bad, I'm sorry but I'm hanging up now," and then actually hang up.

If they bad-mouth you to the relatives, decide if that really bothers you. If you don't care what the relatives think, ignore the potential bad-mouthing...it can be incredibly freeing to just not care. If you do, though, make sure you make time to spend with those relatives sans parents, so that they know you're a reasonable person. Don't discuss your parents with the relatives.

I also agree that a counselor could help you come to terms with the decision that you have made, which you don't seem to be all that comfortable with. You're allowed to not spend time with people who make you unhappy, and if you're still struggling with that (to the point of literally feeling sick about it) it might help to talk to someone about it.
posted by charmedimsure at 2:55 PM on November 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

Serving others who are worse off during than ourselves, such as volunteering in a homeless shelter, can be a very rewarding and satisfying thing to do during the holiday season. And its much harder for anyone to bad mouth you for doing such a thing, especially if the anyone in question portrays themselves as christian.
posted by alicegoldie at 3:00 PM on November 1, 2009 [7 favorites]

I'll tell you what I've learned to do. I don't have the best family either, and I've done both extremes... I've spent many many holidays with them as I felt was my duty, and I've spent holidays alone basically in hiding. Neither is good or healthy or particularly fun. You need to figure out your own boundaries and make your holidays what you want them to be for YOURSELF.

I know that seeing me means a lot to my mother, but I also know that spending full holidays hanging around with my blood family for too long is *never* an experience that leaves me feeling particularly warm and fuzzy inside afterwards. While inherently I *want* to be a part of the family, I know that I don't have a lot in common with them and if I'm around them too much I start to feel my soul being sucked out of my body. So I decided this year to agree to spend as much of Thanksgiving as I can with my mom and family, but have announced that I'm not available for Christmas. And then instead of hiding from people, I've planned ahead and made special plans for Christmas that I know I can look forward to and will sincerely enjoy. I have scheduled an overseas holiday to relax. I cashed in my airfare miles and now I'm treating myself to three days alone in Paris to relax (if you're gonna hide, why not hide in Paris!!!?? Beats my apartment!) and then I will spend Christmas with my oldest friends in Vienna. It will be NOTHING like holidays at home, and that's why I'm doing it.

Best of all, I feel like this way I can get through just about anything at Thanksgiving with a smile on my face because I know that I'll be free and have something better to look forward to for Christmas. My mother wasn't thrilled at first, but she realized that she should be happy that I'm coming to one holiday and that I'm compromising. She used to use the "But this might be my last Christmas!" thing to get me to avoid making other plans... but the truth is, she's had ten years of last Christmases. I really can't be expected to live that way. Odds are she won't, but if she dies on Christmas, it won't be because I'm not there.

I know it's tough... but you don't have to feel like you're trapped to have miserable holidays for eternity just because you're related to people who do. The only person who traps you is you... even though it seems like you have no choices, you do. You just have to figure out your boundaries and stick to them. You have to make your own choices about what kind of holiday you want to have.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:01 PM on November 1, 2009 [6 favorites]

If they talk bad about you to the relatives, who cares? Are you so worried about what your relatives think? Either they're off like your parents, or they also know how your parents are and take what they say with a grain of salt. If they call you to chew you out, tell them that your decision is made, and that you refuse to continue the conversation if they want to go on about it. You don't have to let them bully you on the phone.
posted by ishotjr at 3:02 PM on November 1, 2009

Also seconding the volunteering thing, although often the shelters and charities are overrun with help during the holidays. A lot of people only show up during those days and don't do any charity the rest of the year so the organizations are often saturated with volunteers on Christmas and Thanksgiving. If you want to do any charity work I'd start calling around NOW to find out where you might be needed... don't put it off or they might already be overstaffed.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:03 PM on November 1, 2009

Something that might help you decide is this book (if you haven't yet read it, that is). Your statement about your parents being prominent in church but not practicing what they preached made me think of it. I have not read the 1998 version, but read the 1991 version and it was an eye-opener to me. The author makes a good case for religious abuse and addiction, and having seen my ex-husband's family through the description of "Country-club Christians" in the book, I really learned why there were so many problems in that family.

I also discovered when looking for it on Amazon that there is a sequel. I can't vouch for how good that is.
posted by lleachie at 3:04 PM on November 1, 2009

THANKS EVERYONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WILL DO. YES, I HAVE GONE TO COUNSELING TO FIGURE A LOT OF THIS STUFF OUT ABOUT MY PARENTS. IT HAS HELPED SOME. BUT I NEEDED A REST FOR A WHILE.

YES, I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY DECISION TO *NOT* BE AROUND THEM. WHY? IT'S BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT STAYING AWAY FROM THEM.
posted by bananaskin at 3:09 PM on November 1, 2009

Yeah, there can sometimes be a nice limit you can set. Go, but only stay for an hour. Or go to Thanksgiving, but not Christmas. (The first year my now-husband and I did holidays together, we ended up eating 3 turkey dinners on Thanksgiving, in order to make his parents, my parents, and his grandparents..happy. It was awful. Now, we have alternating years for his side, and my side.) Even if you love your family, it's important to set boundaries, so you don't lose yourself. I'm slowly getting there myself.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 3:12 PM on November 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Lie. You're allowed to do this as an adult to protect yourself from other adults, regardless of the fact that they're your parents.

Congratulations: you'll be in Minneapolis visiting friends for Thanksgiving, and are going to Bermuda for Christmas. They can reach you on your cellphone (do not answer the house phone) and you hope they have a wonderful holiday season.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:15 PM on November 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

If you can afford it, travel during the holidays. You got a great deal. Go somewhere where they have lovely holiday traditions. Enjoy yourself.
posted by Morrigan at 3:30 PM on November 1, 2009

By the way, for what it's worth I also have siblings who are Fundamentalist Christian and I do not spend group holidays in their homes, ever. The origins of the winter holidays end up making Thanksgiving and Christmas in their homes too much of a flashpoint where they can expound on their religious beliefs to a captive audience. A nice dinner and some presents and then heading home is fine... but I didn't sign up for Bible study or to be converted or judged... they have no right to put that on me just because of the date on the calendar.

When it comes to people spreading rumors and judging... that just makes them look small. In the end, those people get their comeuppance. DO NOT PARTICIPATE. Just feel sorry for them that they dislike themselves so much that they're spending their lives avoiding the mirror. Because that's what's happening, you know. People who can't stand looking inward are the ones who spend their lives cattily judging others. And the reason they're upset with you is quite possibly that they're jealous or simply feel that's a way to control you. Don't let it be.

But don't hide in a cave or allow them to make you miserable... just see if you can give yourself the kind of holiday you wish for.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:33 PM on November 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

I totally understand your guilt - i have been dealing with exactly the same issues with my parents for years. In years past i have had the very same symptoms when they've come to visit or vice versa. I have had them send group emails to their friends discussing my 'waywardness'... My reputation in the town where i grew up and the church where my parents attend has been shredded by my parents... it's absurd when you think about it...

My advice: First, it's not ok to lie about why you wouldn't come - not because lying is bad but because it's a co-dependent response; it's at the least modifying your behavior out of fear for their response, at the worst it's violating your conscience. It's not taking responsibility for your decisions as an adult - it's hiding - it's ironically engaging in the same sort of behavior you accuse them of in that you're not lettting your inner life match your outer, and it's not taking steps toward breaking bonds of dependence that are obviously very deep and still affecting you...

You write that you feel guilty like that's enough to mean you should not be around them, but the guilt is false. It's important to really ponder this. The guilt is false. What does that mean? That means you're not making a moral transgression when you don't do what they want. That is very very hard to truly believe. You don't have a compass for your behavior that functions correctly. This is why finding community is important - you need people around you who can help you see clearly. This can take years but you have to have a vision for yourself that you can be an adult with a sense of yourself that is not based on someone else's idea of who you are.

You also need to remember that taking responsibility in these situations is hard. Its easy to blame them for their obvious inconsistencies and their emotional inflexibility and stubboness but then not see yourself as someone who is making a choice to avoid responsibility for your life when you consider lying to them versus addressing the issues in your relationship. easier said than done but sometimes the courageous decision to address these issues is incredibly painful and requires a reserve of energy that you don't think you have - making the choice of running away seem like the only option.

a few years ago i would go visit my parents (also christian 'leaders') and after a few days i would feel like i was going to be physically sick i felt so manipulated... now i'm comfortable showing up and if things start to head that direction i pack up my stuff and leave. generally, i stay at a hotel when i go visit, which makes them incredibly angry but i've found that it provides the service of setting the emotional tone of a visit - there is a distance that is not my wish but i must also not betray the reality of the relationship by pretending it isn't there. i make this distance clear by words and actions, not passive aggressively or punitively but with sobriety... now i'm pretty comfortable with the distance - i still feel sad, but i'm able to say to them that it's their life and i'd love them to be a part of mine and i'd love to be in theirs, but i'm an adult and relationship is a two way street - i'm not a toy...

i would recommend a few books for you... Toxic Parents, and one particular chapter of the M. Scott Peck book People of the Lie. The chapter on Mr and Mrs R is a case study on the subtleties of emotional manipulation that I think are present in these families.

Also i'd really recommend finding a group of people to talk through these issues with as others have recommended...
posted by carlodio at 3:40 PM on November 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

The thing is, I LOVE my parents and they've always been really good to me, but I HATE going home for the holidays. It's depressing and chaotic, and my mom is freaking out and it's a long trip and totally unpleasant. So often times I just don't. I know it sucks and I know it hurts my dad but I also have to deal with my own psychology. I could explain to them the things that drive me crazy about going home (well, I have) and they don't do much to change it. So I sort of refuse. Sometimes I give in, usually I regret it, at least somewhat. My home is the city I moved to. Luckily I see them often, they come this way a lot.

Point being is: DON'T GO. Because if your parents treated you like crap, you have no reason to feel guilty. Seriously. Don't think about going. Don't consider it. For your own sake, you should not go.
posted by sully75 at 3:42 PM on November 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

Intellectually being okay with not going is a lot different than being emotionally okay with it. I think spending a limited amount of time with them on the holidays may be your best bet, because you've done your duty, but have not prolonged your agony too long. As for why you can only stay for a certain amount of time, that's up to you. I think a volunteer obligation is a fabulous idea, but"feeling a migraine coming on," is perfectly valid, too (though you need to be very selective about how often and when you use illness/maladies as an excuse because the believability decreases as the frequency increases, even when it's legit).

In an ideal world, you would be able to say to your parents, "Mom and Dad because of our unhealthy dynamic, I've decided it's best to do something else for the holidays," but I think that's probably not realistic. It's far easier, and presuming you believe there is no improving the situation, far kinder to yourself and them to create a convenient, perfect out that can't be easily interpreted as, "I do not want to spend the holidays with you, o parents of mine." So plan something to do that will make you happy over the holidays, fulfill your obligation with a visit lasting an hour or two, and prepare an excuse that is believable and understandable (please note: this actually does not have to be the same as what you actually end up doing). Good luck, and I hope you find the best way to balance the understandable obligation you feel, and the choices that will make you the happiest and healthiest person you can be, not just over the holidays, but every single day of the year.
posted by katemcd at 4:30 PM on November 1, 2009

If your parents have moved to be near other relatives, are their plans for the holidays centered on them? If those relatives will be there, it should be better for you: more people, less chance for direct confrontation.

I'll go along with the suggestion to limit the time you spend with your parent: a nice white lie to spare their feelings and to spare your feelings is ok.
posted by francesca too at 4:38 PM on November 1, 2009

I like the advice to try to be on the best terms with everyone in your life....

But this is not a binary decision. You don't have to go spend the entire weekend, or even the entire day, with them. If dinner is at 3, you show up at 2, visit, eat, help with the dishes and jet at 5. Three hours is plenty. They get what they want, you get what you want.

If you actually have something better to do, great. But don't make stuff up just because they are omg unbearable and lecture you about Jesus. Believe me, the dynamic only gets worse if you visit less often.
posted by gjc at 5:05 PM on November 1, 2009

What about showing up for an appearance for an hour or however long you can take it, and when your pool of patience starts to get shallow, just go. Fore-warn them you have other engagements. Over time, it is "possible" your parents will learn that they have some control on how long you stay, but possibly not. But a quick visit should be enough to remove your guilt of wanting to be away. If it is just an hour's drive away.
posted by lundman at 5:37 PM on November 1, 2009

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN.

THIS IS REALLY TOUGH STUFF. HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE. I WORK IN NURSING HOME. I USED TO FEEL SO SORRY FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE THERE WHO NEVER SEEMED TO HAVE ANY CHILDREN VISITING. I NOW HAVE WONDERED: #1. YES, THERE PROBABLY ARE SOME THERE WHO WERE REALLY GOOD PARENTS AND HAVE JUST GOT SHALLOW, INSENSITIVE CHILDREN, OR #2. MAYBE THERE ARE "REASONS" THEIR CHILDREN STAY AWAY AND THEN......AFTER THINKING ALL THAT.....I FEEL SICK FOR EVEN THINKING IT. I FEEL GUILTY AND HOPE I AM NEVER LIKE THAT WHEN MY PARENTS GET TO THAT AGE. AND I FEEL GUILTY NOW FOR STAYING AWAY FROM THEM (THEY ARE NOT IN NURSING HOMES)
.
I GUESS IT IS JUST HARD TO "HOLD" BOTH IDEAS/SITUATIONS IN MY MIND AT ONCE: I BELIEVE IN TAKING CARE OF FAMILY, AND LOVING AND SHARING WITH FAMILY......

AND

THIS FAMILY HAS NOT BEEN HEALTHY AND LOVING.....

AND

I DO NOT WANT TO SACRIFICE MY PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH BY CONNECTING WITH THEM


YET

I HAVE THE SADNESS AND GUILT TO RECONCILE WITH IF I DON'T.....
HERE'S THE POINT: MAYBE IT IS ALL QUITE COMPLICATED, HUH? MAYBE IT IS NOT STRAIGHT FORWARD.


YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SO SYMPATHETIC AND WISE! (THIS IS ABOUT THE 5TH QUESTION I HAVE POSTED ON METAFILTER, OF A WIDE VARIETY OF TOPICS)
posted by bananaskin at 5:54 PM on November 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

By the time your parents are in a nursing home, they will likely seem much less intimidating and will probably have much less control over you.
posted by amtho at 6:06 PM on November 1, 2009

I was just reading this comment from netbros. He lists four agreements that you can make with yourself to make your life happier. Specifically, this part jumps out at me as potentially helpful to you:

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

So, ignore for the moment how your parents will react to what you do this holiday season. You have no control over how they'll react one way or the other. Instead, think about what *you* want out of the holidays. If you come over for Thanksgiving dinner, do it because you *want* to be there with them, not because you're afraid of how they'll react if you don't come over. Likewise, if you want to skip it and stay home, or go to some other friend's dinner instead, do that.

Whatever you do, don't let them make you feel guilty or sad for making a choice they don't like. You can't control their reactions, and they can't control yours unless you let them.
posted by JDHarper at 7:59 PM on November 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Just for future reference... it's very very very hard to read when you type in all capitals.

I hope you sort it out. I agree with a little white lie that you're busy and eating a lot of chocolate and ice cream while watching dvds instead.
posted by taff at 12:09 AM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

Don't go.

Your parents may not respect you as an adult who can make your own choices, but nonetheless, that's what you are. There is no need to make yourself upset over this - it doesn't sound like there's anything to be gained by going, other than them not needling you on the phone. Still, your sanity is worth taking a little grief from them after the fact rather than making yourself literally ill with worry and dread in anticipation and then having a lousy time visiting.

I speak from experience. I have a difficult time with my family - though I love them dearly, they are ideologically on the other side of the coin from me and will go to great lengths to stir up ridiculous arguments. I don't avoid them at every holiday, but I pick and choose when I can handle seeing them and when I'd simply rather have a few guilt trips than the hassle of putting myself out into an emotional firing range. Sometimes I will compromise and say that I'll stop by for an hour, but that I'm too busy to stay. (Often this is actually true, so the times when I'm fibbing are overlooked since it really is totally 100% plausible that I simply don't have time.)

I do love my family, but the best way for me to think about it is that if we were on a cruise, we'd never put our deck chairs next to each other. Loving people and wanting to spend "quality" time together aren't always the same thing.

As for the guilt: Yes, you may feel guilty for not going, but you're not going to feel any better at all if you do go. It's either guilt if you don't go or misery if you do. Don't go and forgive yourself for potentially hurting their feelings by doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. No one is served by you playing the martyr and doing something just to make someone else happy in a situation where you're being emotionally manipulated and miserable.

(And yes, your follow-up comments are difficult to parse with the all-caps. It's generally interpreted as "yelling" to type in all caps on the internet, so it's confusing to see generally calm, lucid comments written this way.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:00 AM on November 2, 2009

There was a very good article in the NY Times recently about when it is appropriate and HEALTHY to cut off contact with parents. You should read it and the reader comments - I think it might help with your guilt.
posted by jrichards at 8:01 AM on November 2, 2009

If asked, you have "other plans."

And then DO have other plans. You will have less time and energy to feel guilty if you're living your life whole-heartedly. (This takes practice. Years and years of it, in some of our cases...)
posted by small_ruminant at 11:25 AM on November 2, 2009

So are you having that problem where the children of your same generation family members are now kids who are old enough to think and starting wonder how come they've heard all those things about you that, now that they are old enough to think and get to know people, seem wrong? Because that's a really super fun part of parents bad-mouthing you to relatives. And of course you can't give the truthful answer that "Papa is batshit insane and vindictive."You have to take the high road and murmur something vague about "different people having different views and blah blah blah" like that kind of sidestepping isn't stressful.

Just don't go. This year. Say you work in a nursing home and you need time on your own to recharge.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:52 PM on November 2, 2009