Doting words for children
October 30, 2009 7:54 AM Subscribe
The best doting words to the children?
This post was deleted for the following reason: needs more context. please try again. -- jessamyn
I try to praise effort and gumption, rather than outcome:
You tried really hard.
I am proud of how you got back up there.
I am glad you helped that other kid.
posted by shothotbot at 8:04 AM on October 30, 2009
You tried really hard.
I am proud of how you got back up there.
I am glad you helped that other kid.
posted by shothotbot at 8:04 AM on October 30, 2009
Also, are kids getting too much praise?
posted by shothotbot at 8:05 AM on October 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by shothotbot at 8:05 AM on October 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
To my children?
"I love you"
"Thank you for ____"
"I liked how you ____"
"You make me smile everyday"
"I'm happy you're part of my life"
More general, catch your kids being good and note it - "hey, I saw you helping your brother and wanted to let you know that that was really great"
posted by qldaddy at 8:09 AM on October 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
"I love you"
"Thank you for ____"
"I liked how you ____"
"You make me smile everyday"
"I'm happy you're part of my life"
More general, catch your kids being good and note it - "hey, I saw you helping your brother and wanted to let you know that that was really great"
posted by qldaddy at 8:09 AM on October 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Praise effort, not intelligence -- "You must have worked really hard to do that!", not "You must be very smart!"
I tend to tell kids that there are two things you can control; how hard you work and how you treat people, and praise those things accordingly.
Also, "I love you/care about you no matter what" can be hugely reassuring.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:11 AM on October 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
I tend to tell kids that there are two things you can control; how hard you work and how you treat people, and praise those things accordingly.
Also, "I love you/care about you no matter what" can be hugely reassuring.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:11 AM on October 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
"I'm glad you're my kid."
"I love you more than bunnies." (My daughter came up with this one; I'm not too sure why, since she didn't like the bunny {RIP Dustbunny} very much).
posted by SamanthaK at 8:33 AM on October 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
"I love you more than bunnies." (My daughter came up with this one; I'm not too sure why, since she didn't like the bunny {RIP Dustbunny} very much).
posted by SamanthaK at 8:33 AM on October 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
As a swim teacher, after giving feedback on a skill, and seeing it implemented:
"Wow, I am so impressed that you tried so hard with x! That was a huge improvement! High five!"
posted by purlgurly at 8:37 AM on October 30, 2009
"Wow, I am so impressed that you tried so hard with x! That was a huge improvement! High five!"
posted by purlgurly at 8:37 AM on October 30, 2009
Never use the word "but" when criticizing. Substitute "and". It's not grammatically correct, but it doesn't have the same negative connotations.
Example:
Instead of saying, "Nice job with your math homework, but next time you should use scrap paper instead doing all your calculations on the worksheet you need to turn in."
Try "Nice job with your math homework, and next time you should use scrap paper instead doing all your calculations on the worksheet you need to turn in."
Notice I didn't change another word in the sentence. Not so harsh.
posted by teg4rvn at 8:48 AM on October 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
Example:
Instead of saying, "Nice job with your math homework, but next time you should use scrap paper instead doing all your calculations on the worksheet you need to turn in."
Try "Nice job with your math homework, and next time you should use scrap paper instead doing all your calculations on the worksheet you need to turn in."
Notice I didn't change another word in the sentence. Not so harsh.
posted by teg4rvn at 8:48 AM on October 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
It's hard to go wrong with "I love you all the way to the moon. And back"
posted by Shohn at 8:50 AM on October 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Shohn at 8:50 AM on October 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Phrases my mom used when I was young tended to be more focused on cooperation and positive thinking:
"You can do anything if you put your mind to it."
"Inch by inch, it's a cinch."
"We're a family, and a team."
"Always do your best."
She would say these before, during, and after tasks, both to encourage me to continue and to congratulate me (us) and cement the principle when things were accomplished.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:53 AM on October 30, 2009
"You can do anything if you put your mind to it."
"Inch by inch, it's a cinch."
"We're a family, and a team."
"Always do your best."
She would say these before, during, and after tasks, both to encourage me to continue and to congratulate me (us) and cement the principle when things were accomplished.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:53 AM on October 30, 2009
Listen to them. Really listen. This communicates in a very potent way how much you care about them and how important they are as individuals. (Said as the child of parents who never listened to me, and who still remembers the warmth and love I felt when friends and non-family caretakers would listen and respond to what I'd actually said. They would praise efforts too, but what really mattered was that they honestly listened.)
Something I always remember my grandfather - one of my rare healthy family members - saying, and which has stayed with me my whole life, was based on exchanges when I accidently broke something (which wasn't often). The key was that he sincerely meant it, it was not just "something he was saying." It stuck with me precisely because his words were part of his entire way of being.
fraula: [breaks something] "Ohhh... Grampa, I broke X, sorry..."
Grampa, excitedly, because if there two things he loved, it was fixing things and teaching his grandkids: "We can fix that! Come dear, Grampa will show you how to fix it." I felt loved because he was sharing one of his great loves with me, and he honestly wanted me to learn how to do things like that. Plus, he knew I enjoyed it (it wasn't just an excuse for him to do something only he enjoyed), so it was a neat virtuous circle of happiness. So: share things you enjoy mutually! Look for opportunities to do that. Kids will take away the message, "My parents care about my interests, and so want me to learn important things about what they know I enjoy, plus it's so much fun to see my parents happy doing it. They really love me."
If the broken object was irretrievable:
Grampa: "See dear? That's just an object. *shrug* We can get another one like it. But you, my dear *bighug* are precious and irreplaceable. I'm so very happy to have you in my life." Crud. He died seven years ago and just typing it up brings tears to my eyes, because I remember the genuine adoration in his voice. I miss my Grampa.
posted by fraula at 8:58 AM on October 30, 2009 [9 favorites]
Something I always remember my grandfather - one of my rare healthy family members - saying, and which has stayed with me my whole life, was based on exchanges when I accidently broke something (which wasn't often). The key was that he sincerely meant it, it was not just "something he was saying." It stuck with me precisely because his words were part of his entire way of being.
fraula: [breaks something] "Ohhh... Grampa, I broke X, sorry..."
Grampa, excitedly, because if there two things he loved, it was fixing things and teaching his grandkids: "We can fix that! Come dear, Grampa will show you how to fix it." I felt loved because he was sharing one of his great loves with me, and he honestly wanted me to learn how to do things like that. Plus, he knew I enjoyed it (it wasn't just an excuse for him to do something only he enjoyed), so it was a neat virtuous circle of happiness. So: share things you enjoy mutually! Look for opportunities to do that. Kids will take away the message, "My parents care about my interests, and so want me to learn important things about what they know I enjoy, plus it's so much fun to see my parents happy doing it. They really love me."
If the broken object was irretrievable:
Grampa: "See dear? That's just an object. *shrug* We can get another one like it. But you, my dear *bighug* are precious and irreplaceable. I'm so very happy to have you in my life." Crud. He died seven years ago and just typing it up brings tears to my eyes, because I remember the genuine adoration in his voice. I miss my Grampa.
posted by fraula at 8:58 AM on October 30, 2009 [9 favorites]
Anything by Mister Rogers is perfect.
"You've made this day a special day by just your being you. There's no person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are."
posted by inturnaround at 9:31 AM on October 30, 2009
"You've made this day a special day by just your being you. There's no person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are."
posted by inturnaround at 9:31 AM on October 30, 2009
I wanted to go beyond favouriting fraula's response - as an adult, I still tend to hide things (or try to) when I've done something wrong, because my dad was a yeller, and he overreacted when things got broken/my brothers and I were kids. I notice this too with some of the kids I swim with - any criticism brings tears. I'm determined to keep things (both literal objects, and the "stuff" of living) in perspective with my own kids.
posted by purlgurly at 9:33 AM on October 30, 2009
posted by purlgurly at 9:33 AM on October 30, 2009
"I'm really impressed that you try so hard" and "How did doing that [good or bad thing] make you feel? Did it get you what you wanted?" are ones that get the best response from my kids.
Also, with surprise: "You know what? You might be old enough to do this now. Give it a shot and see how it goes, let me know if you want help."
posted by davejay at 10:28 AM on October 30, 2009
Also, with surprise: "You know what? You might be old enough to do this now. Give it a shot and see how it goes, let me know if you want help."
posted by davejay at 10:28 AM on October 30, 2009
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"I'm proud of you"
"Wow! You've grown so much!"
"That was really smart of you!"
posted by royalsong at 8:00 AM on October 30, 2009