Not sure what you want?

October 24, 2009 3:36 PM

Have you ever felt that you are lost and not sure about your life, purposes, what you want for yourself and how you want to live your life?

I've been with my bf for 2 yrs.(we both are in 40s) recently he told me he needs to take a time off from our relationship and clear his head for awhile. We never have had any problems, barely fight, we were always happy and he even told me it's not our relationship that he need to reassess. He said he wants to have clear head and have his priorities straight so that he has control of his life. he said he doesn't feel like he has control of anything right now.

I am pretty confused by this situation because I couldn't understand the reason for the separation. Yes I do understand what he wants to achieve. Yes I do understand that he needs to be clear of what he want for his life. His priorities, His purposes. He said that there are "unfinished businesses" that he needs to face, briefly he mentioned that those are grieving of loss of his closest family member and the very painful past relationship. (he was mislead and ended up costing him a large amount of money)

He said without doing these, he can not commit to me 100%. I know everyone has different ways of "processing" things. As for me, getting over a bad experience in relationship is to trying to forget fastest I can and have a happy and great relationship. Putting the past behind and move forward. but instead of doing that, he wants to put "us" on hold. I don't get it. If he has doubts in our relationship, he could tell me so. but he said its not about that. It's got nothing to do with me.

So, I want to ask you all grown men/women, who went through a similar situation and what were the outcomes, who also experienced something like this and how you handled?

I thought "why am I going through this with someone whos not sure for whatever the reasons" "what if I waited for months then he decide not to get back with me" "isnt it better that I just assume this is over so that I won't have to go through another heart break"
I communicated with him my thoughts. He was getting upset that I am not prepared to doing this with him and for him. I wasn't the one wanted the break. He is not sure but he wants me to wait til he can give me an answer whether he wants to be in this relationship or not? Does he know he is being selfish? I told him that I am hurt. Not seeing him, not talking to him. but his response was "JUST LET ME DO THIS" I didn't find no reason that he can NOT do all the things that he said he wants to process and being with me at the same time. I don't get it at all.

What does he really want to achieve in this BREAK? Do you think there are might be something else that he didn't tell me about? It's been 3 weeks since he moved out. we are talking/texting but not seeing.

I lost 10lb over this and that's not the diet I want to be on...lol
Let me hear your opinions please!

You can contact me to [e-mail] also if there are some unclear details.

posted by stillhopeful to human relations (23 comments total)

First of all, this sucks.

Second, a source of confusion:

You say:

"he even told me it's not our relationship that he need to reassess"

but then you say

"He is not sure but he wants me to wait til he can give me an answer whether he wants to be in this relationship or not?"

In the second statement, are you asking if this is what he's doing (wanting you to wait until he gives you an answer about whether or not he wants to be in the relationship), or telling us, and the question mark is a typo?

I'm left unsure about whether he told you that the relationship doesn't need to be reassessed -- or that he has admitted that he is reassessing it.

The stuff about needing to work through this and that before he can totally commit to you makes some sort of sense, but it still sucks. If he can text you, why can't he see you? Sure he might be doing/thinking things that he doesn't want to tell you about. He is certainly being secretive. He's making it impossible for you to trust him.

You want to know if you should move on. Can you, emotionally? What are your choices here, really? What does "waiting" mean? Are you supposed not to be dating others, is that what it means? what else can it mean, to "wait"? To think about him and miss him and not be able to contact him except superficially until he decides it's okay?

You say that you've always gotten along well, etc., but I would have to wonder -- have you felt clearly and consistently that he is/has been in love with you? Or, if you let yourself think about it, have there been any previous signs of his lack of interest or passion?
posted by DMelanogaster at 3:47 PM on October 24

Let him go.

Move on with your life as if he isn't coming back. It'll hurt like hell, but you need to take care of yourself and not live life waiting for someone else who may or may not ever decide what he wants.

If, when he gets his head straight or finds his purpose or whatever it is that he's doing, he comes back and asks or expects you to enter into the relationship, then evaluate for yourself whether you're willing to give him a second chance. Perhaps at that time, you'll need him to re-court you, as if starting completely fresh; maybe you'll be happy to go back to the way things were. (How will you handle it if he used this 'break' to sleep with someone else?)

He's obviously putting himself and his needs first here; you should give yourself the same respect.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 3:52 PM on October 24 [15 favorites]

He's obviously putting himself and his needs first here; you should give yourself the same respect.

Agreed. No matter how you feel about "us", you have to remember that "us" is made up of two individual people. What he's doing or saying might not make much sense as far as "us" is concerned, but that's just one part of the overall picture. For now, all you can try to do is stop trying to make "us" happen. Stop trying to weight the current situation in favor of what you assume will be good for "us". Listen to him, give him what he needs. Return to your own world as it exists outside of "us". What do you need to do to make your world a safe, comfortable place for yourself and others to inhabit? Figure that out and you'll be better off no matter what else happens.
posted by hermitosis at 4:03 PM on October 24 [1 favorite]

What's that awful line? He's just not that into you.

Also sounds sort of midlife crisis-y to me.

I think there's no reason to focus on details, why, etc, because I suspect you won't find real answers. The short part is that he wants a break, so consider it a break up, and move on. It's very sad and very sucky. I'm sorry. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:23 PM on October 24

"He is not sure but he wants me to wait til he can give me an answer whether he wants to be in this relationship or not."

DO NOT DO THIS!

The long and short of it is that your partner is taking the pu$#y route to a break up. I don't even know you but I have a feeling you deserve better than his pitiful waffling.

Move on.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 4:37 PM on October 24 [1 favorite]

Let me get this straight: He broke up with you because he needs to figure out his life, including the question of whether or not he wants you in his life. He wants you to put your life on hold while he checks out what/who else may be out there. He wants you to wait for an indefinite period of time for him to make up his mind.

If a boyfriend asked this of me, I think I would first fall down on the floor laughing. Then I would get up, look him in the eye and say, "Adios". And that would be the last contact I'd have with him.

Look. You deserve way better. It is very wrong and unfair of him to ask you to sit back and wait. You offered him your love and your heart and he's essentially pushed you away but wants to keep you on a string. Tell him good luck with his vision quest, and that the two of you are officially done. Then hold your head up high and walk away and don't look back. No more texting or talking. You deserve to be with someone who knows he wants to be with you. Nothing less.
posted by Kangaroo at 4:38 PM on October 24 [3 favorites]

I nth all previous answers, and I'm just going from my gut on this...

You mentioned your bf had a close relative pass away and that relative lied + cost him a lot of money. Could you be referring to a recent HUGE betrayal your bf has just experienced?

If so, I offer up this recent ask and the many answers provided, including mine. If I am wrong, please disregard -- but there is something about big expensive betrayals that tend to galvanize a person's life philosophy and causes one to re-examine every relationship they have. These moments can be life-altering, and I offer this as a possible window on your bf's frame of mind.

That said, you are the innocent party here. Sadly, it seems likely your bf may be compounding his betrayal by passing it on to you. Even if he doesn't mean to, it's what seems to be happening. That sucks.

If I've got it right so far -- his recent actions concerning you (moving out, limited contact) speak much more to his character overall, and then the level of his confidence generally, and finally to his confidence in your shared relationship. He's right about one thing for sure - he has issues to work out.

You could definitely feel good about taking his request at face value and give him space. You could also pre-empt the drama and cut him loose. You have no guarantee if he will come back to you, or when he might come out the other side of this process with a firm decision concerning your life together.

I'm sorry.

I nth everyone here who counsels that you do what is best for you.

I really only wrote to provide a few possibilities concerning the background of your current situation, FWIW.
posted by jbenben at 5:03 PM on October 24

It's been 3 weeks since he moved out.

The man moved out, both literally and figuratively. He broke up with you, whether he says those words or not. Break contact and focus on yourself now.

Sorry to put it so bluntly, but it seems like you need someone to cut through the rambling heartache and tell you how it is.
posted by asciident at 5:07 PM on October 24 [2 favorites]

I have a friend who went through a very similar situation with her husband. He kept saying he needed to resolve some things, find himself, etc. So they separated, and kept in touch, and I thought to myself, "He is keeping her around, but not close, because he's met someone and he's not sure if it will work out with the other woman." And I felt very jaded and cynical for thinking that.

But I was right.

Now, I don't know you at all. But if everything between you has been smooth sailing, and now suddenly he wants to move out, BUT he doesn't want to break up with you, it seems like he is keeping you on the back burner, which again has me thinking maybe he's met someone, is testing the waters, and if it doesn't work out he'll have you there, waiting for him.

I could be wrong this time. I hope I am.

But even if I am, the best thing for you right now is to move on as if you don't expect him to come back. At best, he is not being upfront with you about everything, asking for you to stay in some kind of limbo until he decides what to do. He is not showing you any respect. At worst, he is playing you for a fool.

After all, the worst thing that could happen if you just decide to move on and stop texting and calling him is the two of you break up--and for you, that's essentially already happened. And the best result is he'll realize he lost something worthwhile when he let you go, and then he'll seek you out.
posted by misha at 5:40 PM on October 24 [1 favorite]

Everyone upthread is right. I know, it's lame, but it is very likely that he is breaking up with you in the wimpiest way possible, and probably can't even admit it to himself.

I have been there, and it sucked. A lot. Since you asked for similar experiences, here's what my confused ex meant by very similar behavior, in hindsight: he was bored, and a little depressed, and wanted to explore other options, but was too scared to actually admit it and break up because there wasn't anything "wrong" with our relationship- we had never even raised our voices with each other. So he insisted that that was not what was happening. We treaded water for a few months and later, he crawled back after nothing better popped up. I stupidly allowed him to, and then a year later he did *exactly* the same thing again. I was smarter the second time (didn't make contact for a year afterwards, didn't agree to the break), but I wasted almost three years of my life with someone who wasn't sure what he wanted and couldn't commit to anything to save his life.

It's not fair of him to leave you hanging, and the smart thing to do is move on. If he gets his act together later, you can reassess, but when you do consider that it's possible that it will be a recurring habit, and evaluate whether that's really something you want to deal with.

I'm sorry he is concerned that you are "not doing this with him and for him," and that you are not sure about his request to "wait til he can give me an answer whether he wants to be in this relationship or not." but his request is very, very selfish and if he doesn't see that, well, that's another good thing to know about him, isn't it?
posted by charmedimsure at 6:05 PM on October 24 [2 favorites]

Rip the band-aid off. He dumped you. It sucks and it hurts. The only thing that hurts more is kidding yourself.

Give yourself time to feel blue and pissed and whatever you need. Then move on and find a guy who does want to be with you. That means no contact with Mr. Dumper. If you had any doubt that Mr. Dumper is worth waiting for, just remember he didn't have the basic courtesy to genuinely tell you it was over and let you move on with your life.

Let him have his midlife crisis or new girlfriend or whatever crap he's doing without you being there to cushion his ego. It really doesn't matter if he knows he's being selfish - he is.
posted by 26.2 at 6:05 PM on October 24 [1 favorite]

I'm going to go against the grain, I don't think he's taking the pussy way out of dumping you. I think he original intention was just that he'd go away for some unspecified amount of time and do whatever it is he thinks he needs to do and you would sit at home patiently waiting for him to come home, until you quite rightly said 'wtf?!', now he's a) realised that actually it is completely out of order to expect you to put your life on hold until he's figured his out and b) is really hurt that you're not prepared to just wait for him to get his shit together, which may have changed his feelings about the relationship.

If it were me (well really if it were me I'd probably just cry myself to sleep every night - but if the rational, grown up me was driving...) I'd call him and say, I understand that he needs to do this (even if you don't) and I want to be supportive but I can't put my life on hold forever. I'm prepared to wait x amount of time for you to come home. If you've not sorted it all out by then I need to move on with my life. (with x being an amount of time you think is reasonable)
Make it clear that you're willing to do this for him but you're not going to wait forever.

As much as I agree that you need to put your needs first as much as he is doing for himself, if you really care about him and the relationship I think its at least worth trying to be understanding of his 'special needs' at this time and come to a compromise that doesn't make you a complete doormat but also doesn't ruin what could be a great relationship just because the residents of metafilter are cynical and pessimistic ;)
posted by missmagenta at 6:57 PM on October 24

I am not someone who should be listened to, because I am not grown up, but I liked what LOLAttorney had to say. It is probably your best chance at having him come back.
posted by beingresourceful at 7:06 PM on October 24

He moved himself out from where I am right now but all his stuff are still here, all of my stuff are still there(we live in 3 different locations and I am living one of them) and like I said, everything is on HOLD, it's not like he left our relationship behind. Thats why its more confusing. If we picked up all our belongings and we have nothing else left that we've shared, sure its easy we BROKE UP, lets move on. but nothing has changed other than he is not here every day and he is living one of our condos and being alone.

I just talked to him today. I asked him what does he want me to do, his response was "I don't want you to move on, I just need some time to face some issues, when I am clear and come to the closure which I am not planning to take long to get there, I am working on it and making a progress everyday"(he is seeing shrink intensively, reading selfhelp books that shrink suggested etc) Then I said "look, I am already hurt so I don't wanna go through the heart break once again, so I am thinking whether I should start to think that we were broke up or not" then he's got pissed off...saying "why can't you just be supportive, if you don't want to wait and find another partner and you think that would make you happy, do it! All I am asking is a little time alone. if you can't handle it, that's all we were!" something like that.

His loss of his family member was a big deal, I know. He still have tears in his eyes every time we talk about her. So I know it sound like a guy who is trying to get easy way out hoping I would move on without him being a bad guy if you only hear the "take time off" part, but I know there is something else to it. that is why It's hard for me too.

I don't know what are his issues completely, All I know were those 2 things that he told me. and he told me that from earlier time of our relationship. like some of you said it could be our relationship that he wants to reassess. He said he is not but it might. I really dont know.
I do not want to just give up and move on when he really needed from me was support. I will regret it for rest of my life if I did.

I am a big girl I can see what's good for me or whats not. but here I am asking you guy opinions. because I don't really don't know what is the right thing to do.
posted by stillhopeful at 7:28 PM on October 24

I think you need to find out what the bottom line is for yourself. it's true, chances are, when this kind of thing happens, it usually doesn't work out in the long run. That doesn't mean you have to break up with him today- it's OK if you're not ready and if you want to keep in touch. It's natural. These things take time to sort out. But you need to find out what you're bottom line is. Maybe this grief he's dealing with is enough to make him flip, and I know grief does some strange things to people. But you should be clear with him: If you're seeing someone else, I'm not OK with that, and I think we should do some couples counseling in the meantime. (or something, I'm projecting, but be clear with him.) Don't let him get away with BS like "if you can't handle it, that's all we were" that's abusive and manipulative. If he won't go to counseling with you, then frankly, that would be my bottom line.
posted by Rocket26 at 7:50 PM on October 24

We are in counceling. He has his, I have mine. and he is talking to mine whats the best way for us to go through. My shrink said to me after he talked to him that "give him time"
but its really really really hard. Uncertain is killing my patient. if you know what I am saying.
posted by stillhopeful at 7:58 PM on October 24

I think missmagenta and Rocket26 have got the right idea here. See if you can work out some kind of compromise about how long you are willing to wait, but make sure you set a period of time that you feel comfortable with. The bottom line is that there are two of you in this relationship, and he isn't the only one that gets to set the terms. He can decide that he needs time alone, but you get to decide whether that's okay for you or not. I can tell you that I'd probably be willing to wait a couple weeks, but not longer than that, and only if, as Rocket says, he wasn't seeing other people during that time. Only you know what is okay for you.
posted by rosethorn at 8:05 PM on October 24 [1 favorite]

If you feel like you need to wait to be there for him, do that. But don't let his needs interfere with your own. I fear that you might end up waiting for him for a while, only to have him discover he wants something else.

Either way, I am sorry. Keep your chin up, OK?
posted by Silvertree at 8:23 PM on October 24

Your boyfriend has asked for time and space. So, I would give it to him, and take some time and space for yourself. This doesn't mean you'll start dating or seeing other men. Even if this was a breakup, and even taking into account that you like to move on quickly from painful things, you would need time to grieve, heal, and reflect on your choices, past, present, & future, before moving on to a life without him. So take this time as a vacation from the relationship and him. That doesn't mean abandoning exclusivity, but you can still treat yourself well, go have fun, and enjoy life as much as you can without bringing another guy into the dynamic. There are going to be a lot of tearful nights and worried moments while he works this stuff out, but it sounds like you think he's worth waiting for, and while you didn't choose this, it could still be an opportunity for you to work on your own stuff, including this sudden change he sprang on you.

It's only been three weeks, which has understandably been excruciating for you, but isn't a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, especially if someone is trying to exorcise his demons. That said, I think it's fair to let him know you can live like this for only so long, and be specific (1 month, 2 months, after the holidays, whatever amount of time you feel comfortable with). This isn't an ultimatum, it's just that at this point, you can only promise to stick it out for x amount of time. After that amount of time has passed, if there has been no progression then you will need to decide what your next steps are (move on, wait a bit longer, etc).

For what it's worth, while this could be his crappy way of breaking up with you or him wanting to have his cake and eat it too, to me it sounds like he wants to commit to you 100% (however the two of you define that), but he knows/believes this old business is going to get in the way of him doing that successfully. While you or I may not be able to understand why he needs to be on his own and separate from you to do this, that's what he has decided, and he's asking for patience and time while he works this out. Do I think this sucks for you? Yes. Do I think he's not taking into account your feelings as much as he could? Yes. Does this mean he's a bad guy or your relationship is over? Not necessarily. It sounds like this is not about doubting you, but about doubting himself and if he is capable of being the guy to commit fully to you and make you happy. Maybe his taking time away from you to do this is his misguided way of trying to protect you from the fallout and messiness of dealing with his issues. Frankly, only time will tell. That's what he's asked for, and you seem to think he's worth it, so give it to him, but also take excellent care of yourself, which includes deciding on a timeline you are comfortable with, regardless if that is what works for him. Best of luck.
posted by katemcd at 8:41 PM on October 24 [1 favorite]

He initially told me that this won't be any longer than a few month.

I really appreciate you guys advise and thoughtful suggestions. It's easy for anyone to label someone without knowing whats really going on. I knew there were going to be harsh attack against him here because of the nature of what and how happened. but I've seen many answers on this site that were reasonable analysis and thoughtful suggestions. so that's why I posted mine here too.

I can't believe I am going through what I am going through at my age, But it is what it is. Again, if there are someone who actually needed some time off or going through loss/grief, etc. I would like to hear about it.

Again, Thanks everyone!
posted by stillhopeful at 10:57 PM on October 24

I think it makes sense that he just needs time and space to process. Some people deal with grief by clinging to others; some people need to be alone.

Think about how long you can hold on (say, two months) and then give him his space for that long. After that time think about it all over again.

I know it hurts, but you can't force him to interact with you if he doesn't want to. So you might as well have a good attitude about it.
posted by kathrineg at 6:47 PM on October 25

Have you guys worked out what the whole sex situation is going to be like? If you've had a relationship agreement regarding sex (open v. monogamous for example), is that relationship agreement still going to be the rule?

No matter what, you guys need the same deal on this. If he's going to be allowed to date around and he doesn't want you to move on, that's going to be the whole crux of where he sees himself at with you.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:28 PM on October 25

we've talked about that and we both shouldn't see the other people, he too prefer that way.

He also suggested that we will talk once a week, no less or more. just stay in touch with each other. (My shrink and he came up with this)

I hope this will work, I hope this whole thing works.
posted by stillhopeful at 5:28 AM on October 26