Never thought about this
October 22, 2009 9:30 PM Subscribe
Men and women sharing a room.
I'm attending a conference and saving hotel costs by rooming with a male and another female. The female is leaving a day earlier than planned, so it will just be me and the guy for the last night. I can't book another hotel room (either because of costs or because all the rooms are taken) for the last night, and I am seriously wondering if maybe I should just skip the last day of the conference.
Other details: I'm not required to attend the full conference (I'm just an attendee), but think I could learn a lot by spending as much time as I can there. I don't know the guy except by reputation (he's a classmate), but he seems nice. This is seriously bothering me. I've stayed in co-ed rooms in hostels before where I ended up being the only girl in a room full of guys, but this situation seems...I don't know, more intimate? It's just one night, I have absolutely no reason to distrust the guy (and I don't), and I really would like to stay at the conference to its very end. However, I am feeling distinctly uncomfortable right now even thinking about sharing the same room alone with a male (not particularly him, just any male I don't know well). I'm leaning heavily towards leaving the same day as the other girl right now. Any thoughts about this, or maybe other options I might be able to take?
I'm attending a conference and saving hotel costs by rooming with a male and another female. The female is leaving a day earlier than planned, so it will just be me and the guy for the last night. I can't book another hotel room (either because of costs or because all the rooms are taken) for the last night, and I am seriously wondering if maybe I should just skip the last day of the conference.
Other details: I'm not required to attend the full conference (I'm just an attendee), but think I could learn a lot by spending as much time as I can there. I don't know the guy except by reputation (he's a classmate), but he seems nice. This is seriously bothering me. I've stayed in co-ed rooms in hostels before where I ended up being the only girl in a room full of guys, but this situation seems...I don't know, more intimate? It's just one night, I have absolutely no reason to distrust the guy (and I don't), and I really would like to stay at the conference to its very end. However, I am feeling distinctly uncomfortable right now even thinking about sharing the same room alone with a male (not particularly him, just any male I don't know well). I'm leaning heavily towards leaving the same day as the other girl right now. Any thoughts about this, or maybe other options I might be able to take?
Priceline at 6pm the night before you need the room; leave if you don't get a room.
posted by orthogonality at 9:38 PM on October 22, 2009
posted by orthogonality at 9:38 PM on October 22, 2009
Yeah, my comfort with that sort of thing depends heavily on the guy - and on the environment. There are some sweet, straight-laced guys who I would be completely comfortable with (and some gay guys, of course). Things that would make me more comfortable: if the other girl can speak to his character, if they're rooming together because they're friends and she feels totally comfortable with him, or if he's totally devoted to his wife/fiance/partner. Things that would make me less comfortable: if there's going to be drinking on the last day, or if he's a big partier or flirt in general.
Probably the best option, if it's available to you, is to spend the first day or two and then decide whether you're comfortable staying alone with him. That would also give you the chance to find someone else you might be more comfortable staying with for the last night; I think you could sell this without it coming off as specifically "I don't trust YOU". But this may not be feasible if there's no way for you to get home other than airfare, and you have to make a final decision right now.
posted by Lady Li at 9:45 PM on October 22, 2009
Probably the best option, if it's available to you, is to spend the first day or two and then decide whether you're comfortable staying alone with him. That would also give you the chance to find someone else you might be more comfortable staying with for the last night; I think you could sell this without it coming off as specifically "I don't trust YOU". But this may not be feasible if there's no way for you to get home other than airfare, and you have to make a final decision right now.
posted by Lady Li at 9:45 PM on October 22, 2009
I would suggest that, when you get there, discussing your concerns with the male in question, perhaps asking if one of his hobbies is rape, or if he possesses any GHB.
Nah, I understand the feelings of discomfort. To be honest, I would get there, see if you two get along, & take it from there. You would still have time to make or break travel plans there, right? If he makes you feel skeevy, definitely leave. If you hit it off over Visioneers or whatnot, stay & enjoy yourself at the conference.
posted by opossumnus at 9:46 PM on October 22, 2009
Nah, I understand the feelings of discomfort. To be honest, I would get there, see if you two get along, & take it from there. You would still have time to make or break travel plans there, right? If he makes you feel skeevy, definitely leave. If you hit it off over Visioneers or whatnot, stay & enjoy yourself at the conference.
posted by opossumnus at 9:46 PM on October 22, 2009
Anecdata point: I wouldn't think twice about staying in the room with the guy (I am a girl) -- and have done it with colleagues multiple times.
posted by obliquicity at 9:46 PM on October 22, 2009
posted by obliquicity at 9:46 PM on October 22, 2009
I've shared a room with a male colleague at a conference before. Actually, I've done it several times. (Hooray for being female in an extremely male-dominated field! And not having much in the way of funding!) Some situations were more awkward than others, but I never had a situation where it made me so uncomfortable I would have left a conference early for it. It was easiest when I stayed with an officemate, harder when I stayed with a classmate I didn't know as well. Honestly, the most awkward conference roommate I've ever had was a female colleague I didn't know well, so I think that's the real issue, not the fact that he's male.
Also, there's some risk of departmental gossip in these kinds of situations. I've heard stupid gossip about other women, so I assume there were probably some rumors about me. It didn't bother me, but if that's an issue in your department, maybe that's something else to think about.
posted by adiabat at 9:48 PM on October 22, 2009
Also, there's some risk of departmental gossip in these kinds of situations. I've heard stupid gossip about other women, so I assume there were probably some rumors about me. It didn't bother me, but if that's an issue in your department, maybe that's something else to think about.
posted by adiabat at 9:48 PM on October 22, 2009
If your conference is like the out-of-town scientific conferences I have been to, you'll meet other researchers your age and befriend them. Almost certainly some of them will be happy to let you use the sofa or hotel-roll-away cot in their room. Or you'll be out drinking and chatting with your fellow researchers and won't sleep anyway. Just stay loose; if nothing turns up you can always leave.
posted by Methylviolet at 9:49 PM on October 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Methylviolet at 9:49 PM on October 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Its too bad you couldn't bunk with another girl for that last night. You say you don't know him that well. That means you don't know if he drinks a little, a lot or not a all. Whichever is the case, I'm not so sure you could really trust him. Even if you did stay the night, would you be comfortable throughout the night? Falling asleep I mean. He could be a very well behaved gentleman and nothing happens. This is just an opinion and nothing else, but unless you really, really wanted to stay that night, I would leave with the other girl. Its hard to say without knowing much about the guy, but one never knows what he might be thinking, good or bad! Theres not much info to go by here. No ages, or how you know each other, whether he or you are married, etc.
posted by Taurid at 9:51 PM on October 22, 2009
posted by Taurid at 9:51 PM on October 22, 2009
In response to Taurid, I will just point out that it's unlikely that a person will go to a conference specifically to get wasted & hit on chicks.
posted by opossumnus at 9:55 PM on October 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by opossumnus at 9:55 PM on October 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm going to a big conference soon (same one?), will be sharing a co-ed room. When we were making arrangements, it briefly looked as if our group would be split into two-person rooms with me (boy) sharing with other person (girl) I don't know very well. This didn't bother me but I certainly wouldn't have wanted to impose it on her (I was making the booking). I contacted her, checked she would be okay with it, said I would completely understand if she preferred to make other arrangements. In the end it didn't matter because a larger group of us will share a bigger room. But still.
The point is that he will (hopefully) be aware that it is a slightly awkward situation. You could ask him about it--or the other female, if she knows him better. Are there any other men you know who will be at the conference that you could do a swap with on the final night? Any other women attending that you know who will have a spare bed in their room that night? He probably won't mind if you make different arrangements, especially if it doesn't mean he ends up paying for a whole room when he expected to be paying for a third of one. He might even be happy to make the other arrangements himself.
Other option: yes, leave early, but as late as you can on the last full day.
In any case, it's fine to be bothered about it. It is more intimate.
posted by lapsangsouchong at 9:58 PM on October 22, 2009
The point is that he will (hopefully) be aware that it is a slightly awkward situation. You could ask him about it--or the other female, if she knows him better. Are there any other men you know who will be at the conference that you could do a swap with on the final night? Any other women attending that you know who will have a spare bed in their room that night? He probably won't mind if you make different arrangements, especially if it doesn't mean he ends up paying for a whole room when he expected to be paying for a third of one. He might even be happy to make the other arrangements himself.
Other option: yes, leave early, but as late as you can on the last full day.
In any case, it's fine to be bothered about it. It is more intimate.
posted by lapsangsouchong at 9:58 PM on October 22, 2009
I am a guy (Duh!) who has been the guy in this situation. I would totally understand if you left or felt uneasy. I would feel slightly uneasy myself as the guy. Besides the very very small risk of a false accusation, I would not want you in anyway to be nervous etc. I think the thing that ultimately made the woman comfortable enough to share the room was her listening to me talk on the phone with my girlfriend for 45 minutes. I went out of my way to get out of her way. In the morning, I got up early so I was in and out of the bathroom and out of the room before she had to go through her morning routine. I tried to go to sleep earlier than her so that she would not awake with some unknown guy opening the door and entering the room while she was in her bed. All this was discussed with her when we both got to the room and thought, "Holy crap, how is this going to work?" You can always leave early if you wish. I would plan on staying depending on how he is when you meet him, how much you think you will get out of the conference, and if you do not meet another female with whom you can share a room the last night.
WHat I am not sure of is if you leave early, are you leaving him with the sole cost of the room? If you are, you should give him a heads up in advance. I would also try to meet another female with whom you can share the last night if you are not comfortable with male rommie.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:59 PM on October 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
WHat I am not sure of is if you leave early, are you leaving him with the sole cost of the room? If you are, you should give him a heads up in advance. I would also try to meet another female with whom you can share the last night if you are not comfortable with male rommie.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:59 PM on October 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Meet up with the guy and get a sense of him. If you decide to stay, just say "Wow, this feels really awkward. " Be as low-key as possible. When you get back to work, no joking about it.
posted by theora55 at 10:16 PM on October 22, 2009
posted by theora55 at 10:16 PM on October 22, 2009
I've done this before it's really not a big deal. It might make you more comfortable to go up to the room and get ready for bed well before or after he goes to sleep. Then you are either in bed asleep/watching tv when he comes in or he is asleep when you come in.
But if you really feel uncomfortable just skip it. Can you play it by ear and see how you feel after the first couple of nights?
posted by whoaali at 10:31 PM on October 22, 2009
But if you really feel uncomfortable just skip it. Can you play it by ear and see how you feel after the first couple of nights?
posted by whoaali at 10:31 PM on October 22, 2009
I'm the sort of person who nonchalantly shares rooms and even beds with members of the opposite sex, and I'm telling you to not share a room if it's beyond your comfort level.
Don't leave the conference early, though. Either bunk with another girl, or ask someone to bunk with you and dude. Tell dude that you're uncomfortable, and ask him to help you find an alternate place to stay or another female roomie (maybe one of you will meet someone at the conference who would be willing to switch rooms.)
posted by desuetude at 10:53 PM on October 22, 2009
Don't leave the conference early, though. Either bunk with another girl, or ask someone to bunk with you and dude. Tell dude that you're uncomfortable, and ask him to help you find an alternate place to stay or another female roomie (maybe one of you will meet someone at the conference who would be willing to switch rooms.)
posted by desuetude at 10:53 PM on October 22, 2009
In response to opossumnus, I don't think rape is something to joke about.
And also,
" I will just point out that it's unlikely that a person will go to a conference specifically to get wasted & hit on chicks."
Some do, some don't. How well do you know the male in question?
posted by Taurid at 11:39 PM on October 22, 2009
And also,
" I will just point out that it's unlikely that a person will go to a conference specifically to get wasted & hit on chicks."
Some do, some don't. How well do you know the male in question?
posted by Taurid at 11:39 PM on October 22, 2009
If you don't, you won't learn how to deal with this kind of situation except by running away from it.
posted by trevyn at 1:20 AM on October 23, 2009
posted by trevyn at 1:20 AM on October 23, 2009
I don't think there's anything to worry about. Hopefully, he'll be safe from you!
FWIW, I don't share a room with anyone. Hell, I'm up at 3 most nights. When I go somewhere with Mrs. Fauxscot, I'm often in the hotel lobby before the restaurant help shows up, reading.
posted by FauxScot at 2:40 AM on October 23, 2009
FWIW, I don't share a room with anyone. Hell, I'm up at 3 most nights. When I go somewhere with Mrs. Fauxscot, I'm often in the hotel lobby before the restaurant help shows up, reading.
posted by FauxScot at 2:40 AM on October 23, 2009
If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it. Unless the rewards are worth it, but only you can decide that.
posted by Solomon at 3:59 AM on October 23, 2009
posted by Solomon at 3:59 AM on October 23, 2009
In response to Taurid, I will just point out that it's unlikely that a person will go to a conference specifically to get wasted & hit on chicks.
You must not have too much experience with the sales force.
Anyway, while I think that this is an extremely bad idea to force co-workers of opposite sex to room together (I doubt the legal department likes this idea) the chances of anything untoward happening is probably pretty low. People lose jobs over that sort of stuff and this is no economy in which to be putting one's job at risk.
posted by caddis at 4:27 AM on October 23, 2009
You must not have too much experience with the sales force.
Anyway, while I think that this is an extremely bad idea to force co-workers of opposite sex to room together (I doubt the legal department likes this idea) the chances of anything untoward happening is probably pretty low. People lose jobs over that sort of stuff and this is no economy in which to be putting one's job at risk.
posted by caddis at 4:27 AM on October 23, 2009
Well, I would do it (and I'm a girl), and I've done it a bunch of times. I would never even have thought of the consequences others are mentioning.
But, if you are at all doubting this, don't do it. Either find a nice lady to share with while at the conference, or leave early. Also, do you have friends of friends going to the conference who could maybe hook you up with a room? Put out some feelers; there might be someone else in your situation who could trade. Something might work out.
Also, yeah, I would try not to stiff the guy with the full cost of the room for the last day. If you originally planned to share and now are backing out, try to at least chip in something.
posted by bluefly at 5:38 AM on October 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
But, if you are at all doubting this, don't do it. Either find a nice lady to share with while at the conference, or leave early. Also, do you have friends of friends going to the conference who could maybe hook you up with a room? Put out some feelers; there might be someone else in your situation who could trade. Something might work out.
Also, yeah, I would try not to stiff the guy with the full cost of the room for the last day. If you originally planned to share and now are backing out, try to at least chip in something.
posted by bluefly at 5:38 AM on October 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
What's good is that you have at least one night (not sure exactly how many nights from your phrasing) where your other female colleague will be there sharing the room as well - this will give you a sense of how the guy behaves in a room-share. Reads and lights out by 10pm? Watches porn while sitting in his boxers? Comes back to the room at 3am drunk?
Since you are uncomfortable now, assume that you are going to leave the day early. But if your night(s) in the room with him and the other woman change your comfort level change your plans.
posted by mikepop at 5:51 AM on October 23, 2009
Since you are uncomfortable now, assume that you are going to leave the day early. But if your night(s) in the room with him and the other woman change your comfort level change your plans.
posted by mikepop at 5:51 AM on October 23, 2009
Go with your gut. And don't assume that you can judge how dangerous someone is after spending some time around them. In my experience, the dangerous ones fly under the radar, the obvious ones don't get very far.
posted by stinker at 7:35 AM on October 23, 2009
posted by stinker at 7:35 AM on October 23, 2009
Oh, just to clarify my earlier comment, I wasn't warning you against this arrangement because it sets off some sort of super-strong alarm bells. You're comfortable with sharing the room with the dude when not alone, so I'm assuming you've already ruled out that "psycho" vibe.
I just meant that your discomfort is enough of a reason, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
posted by desuetude at 7:43 AM on October 23, 2009
I just meant that your discomfort is enough of a reason, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
posted by desuetude at 7:43 AM on October 23, 2009
In response to Taurid, I will just point out that it's unlikely that a person will go to a conference specifically to get wasted & hit on chicks.
I've met women who go to conferences to hit on men. Ahh, Las Vegas . . .
So I would definitely think it was ok to not feel comfortable with this. Go ahead, take off early. Nothing wrong with that.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:48 AM on October 23, 2009
I've met women who go to conferences to hit on men. Ahh, Las Vegas . . .
So I would definitely think it was ok to not feel comfortable with this. Go ahead, take off early. Nothing wrong with that.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:48 AM on October 23, 2009
Go with the high percentages (100% foolproof in this case) and get out of Dodge.
posted by Zambrano at 9:07 AM on October 23, 2009
posted by Zambrano at 9:07 AM on October 23, 2009
Does the conference website have a room share message board? Some confs have that set up, so double check. If you feel bad about stiffing him on the room charge, you can point him to an alternative roomie for the night.
And as other people say, go with your gut. I attend a lot of confs where people room share because it's cheaper and while I have my own room, I have shared rooms with men at other times, but never someone I don't know beforehand. If he's a good guy, he'll understand.
And Taurid's remark made me laugh out loud, it's not the primary reason people go to conferences but it's way up there on the list. They are frequently hotbeds of extra curricular shagging, it always surprises me that people think it's the most clandestine place to have an affair, when it's absolutely not.
posted by poissonrouge at 9:17 AM on October 23, 2009
And as other people say, go with your gut. I attend a lot of confs where people room share because it's cheaper and while I have my own room, I have shared rooms with men at other times, but never someone I don't know beforehand. If he's a good guy, he'll understand.
And Taurid's remark made me laugh out loud, it's not the primary reason people go to conferences but it's way up there on the list. They are frequently hotbeds of extra curricular shagging, it always surprises me that people think it's the most clandestine place to have an affair, when it's absolutely not.
posted by poissonrouge at 9:17 AM on October 23, 2009
Hrm, I wouldn't even think twice about it. If he's not shady at all, then it should be fine, just the same as if he were a girl.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 10:03 AM on October 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by KateHasQuestions at 10:03 AM on October 23, 2009 [1 favorite]
This:
posted by dithmer at 7:09 AM on October 24, 2009
Tell dude that you're uncomfortable, and ask him to help you find an alternate place to stay or another female roomie (maybe one of you will meet someone at the conference who would be willing to switch rooms.)It's fine if you're uncomfortable. I personally (as a girl) wouldn't be at all. But that's me. However, if YOU'RE the one who feels uncomfortable, it's not his responsibility to find your another place to stay or find somebody else to replace you. That's your responsibility.
posted by dithmer at 7:09 AM on October 24, 2009
Since you really want to be at the conference the whole time, I would plan on staying. Luckily, you'll have a few nights with the guy & the other woman to get to know him a little bit first - perhaps by the time she leaves, you'll be more comfortable with the idea of one night with just him.
If you're not, you will still have options at that time - leave with the other woman, cut out early yourself, stay with someone you just met, ask a woman you just met to come stay with you.
It really seems a shame to deprive yourself of the last day of the conference since you want to attend. However, if you're going to worry so much that you can't relax and enjoy / learn from the conference, it may be better to just leave early and eliminate the worry.
Also - since you haven't met the guy - any chance you could meet him (maybe w/ the other woman) for a cup of coffee or something in the next few days? Maybe that would be reassuring.
posted by insectosaurus at 10:12 AM on October 24, 2009
If you're not, you will still have options at that time - leave with the other woman, cut out early yourself, stay with someone you just met, ask a woman you just met to come stay with you.
It really seems a shame to deprive yourself of the last day of the conference since you want to attend. However, if you're going to worry so much that you can't relax and enjoy / learn from the conference, it may be better to just leave early and eliminate the worry.
Also - since you haven't met the guy - any chance you could meet him (maybe w/ the other woman) for a cup of coffee or something in the next few days? Maybe that would be reassuring.
posted by insectosaurus at 10:12 AM on October 24, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would hate to be the person who told you it's really not a big deal and then something happens to you. However, I don't think I would have a problem with the situation you describe. In fact, when I was doing my Master's, I would travel with classmates all the time - some were good friends, some were just classmates.
But, everyone is different. And, if you are having serious reservations, maybe you should go with your gut. Instincts are a good thing.
posted by AlliKat75 at 9:38 PM on October 22, 2009