October 21, 2009 7:25 PM Subscribe
I'd like to start resuming a friendship, but the other person is mistaken about why I backed off. Should I tell him why? It's...complicated.
posted by anonymous to human relations (7 answers total)
Call me "Alice."
When I moved into my neighborhood, I met a couple living nearby named Bob and Carol. Shortly after I met them, I found out that they had an...understanding, and Bob and I hooked up a few times, with Carol's blessing. That went on for a few months.
Then Bob introduced me to his friend Ted, and then Ted and I became a VERY close couple, and I broke things off with Bob. But Bob was happy for us, and the four of us hung out together a few times. Bob and Ted also regularly hung out once a week with other guy friends (it was a "weekly poker game" kind of thing).
Then Ted broke up with me after a while, and I was just heartbroken for a month and avoided everyone. But then when I started making forays out into the world again, I got a certain....vibe from Bob, kind of like he wanted to renew the hooking up again. I thought it was in my head, until I had a conversation with Ted and he said that he'd picked up that same vibe from Carol (and Bob actually CONFIRMED Carol wanted to hook up with him). The whole thing felt skeevy to me, so I just kept my distance from Bob and Carol for a while.
That was all well over a year ago. I've seen Bob a few times, and he's commented on my disappearing act a couple times, but he was chalking it up to my holding a grudge for him introducing me to Ted. I told him no, that wasn't it - but I haven't told him why I was (I usually just gave some vague hand-wavy "I just had to work out some feelings about Ted" answer). I still get hints of a "vibe" from Bob now and then, still, so I've still been cautious. I am absolutely not interested in that kind of relationship with Bob any more.
But Ted's moved out of town and still keeps in touch with Bob a lot -- but hasn't been all that much in touch with me. Which I regret. And I'm afraid that that's because I'm giving Bob a bit of a wide berth, and Ted may think I want to avoid him too -- which isn't the case. So I'd like to do a bit of fence-mending with Bob -- not just for that, but also because we are neighbors.
So I have two choices: come clean with Bob about why I actually was avoiding him a while and THEN start gradually hanging out again, or start hanging out and wait to see if I get any vibe any more before I say something (by "vibe" I mean, for example, that he'll suddenly bring up things I said or did during some of our more, er, intimate moments). What would the wisest course be?