Falling in love, with caveats.

October 19, 2009 1:31 PM

Falling in love pretty quickly. First time for a lot of things. Some issues are coming up.

I'm mid 30s, male. About 5 weeks ago, I met a really lovely girl online. We've both done a lot of online dating and both are pretty sick of it. Things progressed quickly and many things are really wonderful.

Namely:
Awesome sense of humor overlap
Pretty low stress and high fun percentages
We're able to communicate openly serious stuff
We both find each other really attractive
Conversation is easy
We're both insanely affectionate people and whenever we're together, which is often, we're always touching

Basically in almost every sense I'm smitten with her.

But of course, there is the sex.

She's on anti-depressants which she says limits her libido. I'm kind of a horn-dog. But the thing is, there isn't a total lack of sex by any means. The first few times were really not so amazing, but it's been getting better little by little, to the point where it's bordering on pretty good. She's not prudish or hesitant about things once they get rolling.

But she rarely initiates things. I told her that I really don't want her to push herself into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and that I want to give her time to figure out herself in relation to the medications. But there is a hesitancy about what happens between us that frightens me a bit. On the bright side of things, sex between us is getting better and I think she's enjoying it more. On the dark side of things, it's still not something that I think she's super interested in, and I worry that after this honeymoon period is over, she might be even less interested, and at that point I might have even more intense feelings for her that would make it even more hard to make a decision about this.

The other hard factor to take into account is that neither of us have been in long term relationships very much. I'm not sure if my crazy desire would stand up in a long term relationship, and maybe I'd be happy with less. And I'm not sure that she wouldn't maybe get interested in sex more in a loving situation where she felt comfortable with someone. From knowing her a little bit, I think that may be quite possible but I'm not sure.

Basically I'm falling in love with this person, and I'm excited by her. Things are better between us than in any relationship I've ever been in, and I think she feels the same. But I'm terrified of being in a sexless, more or less friendship kind of marriage. I definitely want to give this more time, maybe a lot more, to figure out how things settle. We've talked this over quite a bit and I think she's very interested in having us both feel comfortable sexually and otherwise. As I understand it, before the meds, her libido was quite a bit stronger, but it's never been crazy strong.

My basic question is: My instinct is that this could be a really great thing, and I want to give it my all and hope that through communication and time, we'll figure out what works between us (because things are on the border of being ok already and we haven't really known each other that long). But I also wonder if I'm not setting us up for heart break down the line by letting my feelings progress while I feel there is this barrier between us.

I know this is overthinking, seriously. I know that. But it's on my mind a lot and I'm not sure how to think about it. I'd be happy to hear everyone say "things are ok, you haven't known her for very long, if they are improving keep communicating and hope for the best".

To fend off some clarifying questions:
Welbutrin is not an option. Other med changes might be. She might be interested in stopping the meds at some point, but she says they have helped her a lot to deal with some low-level depression and I don't really want to mess with that.

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

You seem to be overly concerned about “heart break down the line.” Fear of failure is normal if this is your first serious relationship. But don't you think that, even in the worst case scenario you present, the relationship would still be a net positive? You will likely learn a lot and it will make you more confident, not to mention that this relationship is making you happy right now.
posted by spaghettification at 1:42 PM on October 19 [1 favorite]

5 weeks? Give it more time bro. Seriously. 5 weeks is nothing, especially when it comes to having really good sex. Sex between loving partners is like playing the drums. While always fun, it takes practice to become awesome.

And do not, please do not, pressure her too much. The not-initiating thing could be for many reasons, but trust me, the anti-d's can do a real number on your libido. And as far as Welbutrin goes, in my experience adding Welbutrin has been really helpful for certain things, but not really for bringing my libido back to normal levels. There's nothing worse than being a depressed person on SSRI's and having someone you potentially love start up a conversation 5 weeks in about your low libido.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:42 PM on October 19 [6 favorites]

Love's a wonderful thing, but the 'crazy desire' thing doesn't stand up, period (and honestly, would you want it to?).

Listen closely to the things you wonder/worry about. My advice would be to proceed as though nothing were going to get better, that it will either maintain or get worse. I think it was Benjamin Franklin that said: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after."

I think a lot of heartache could be avoided if people simply didn't ignore the things that bugged them about their new flames.
posted by Pragmatica at 1:46 PM on October 19 [1 favorite]

These are truly dreadful questions to ask anonymously. Without the ability to ask for more information, here are your options:

1/ Ask about her libido beore the the meds and then ask her to talk to her physician about a med change.

2/ Talk to her about being physically close and naked while one of you - in this case, you - masturbates (personally I think this is a critical skill to have in long term sexual relationships because shit happens: injury, depression, illness, med issues, ED issues, whatever. Life is long.)

3/ Share your concerns with her, very openly. After all, if you're pondering bailing you don't have a lot to loose. Tell her you don't want to pressure her, and you're falling for her, but you want a mutually joyfulsexual relationship for as long as you can have one.

4/ All of the above

Be aware that yes, for the majority of long term couples, the frequency drops off after the first year or two. I would consider infrequent sex without meds at the start of a relationship to be a red flag, but I would not with the meds issue mixed in. Instead I would consider the meds to be the issue, and work on sorting that out.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:48 PM on October 19

She's on anti-depressants which she says limits her libido.

That's a well-known side effect of many antidepressants (and other psych meds), although different people will experience different side-effects, of course.

I strongly suggest you take what she says at face value, and believe what she tells you about the effect the meds have on her libido. Over time, she may be able to try different meds, maybe lower her dosages, or - who knows - quit altogether? Being in a happy, stable relationship with somebody she loves may go some way towards helping this process.

But at bottom, if you love her then that means you love & accept & respect the entire package, which at present includes the issues around libido. These may be "fixable" but I'd say it's best not to think of her as "great, except for this broken bit". It's a whole-package deal, take it or leave it.

By the way, thinking in terms of marriage after only five weeks? That's nice, but I hope you only mean that hypothetically, as a thought exercise.

And finally, it sounds like things are ok, you haven't known her for very long, if they are improving keep communicating and hope for the best.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:52 PM on October 19

Honestly, you are way overthinking this, and it is far too early for you to decide that how things are now are the way they are always going to be. Relax, give it time. It's good you know that it might become an issue, but for now, chill out and just enjoy each other's company.

Also, please don't talk about this so much with her. Low libido issues can come with a lot of guilt and insecurity, which only increases the more of an issue it is. It can be a vicious and undermining cycle. So, try not to focus so much on it, and just see how things evolve. Even though her libido is low, is she affectionate? Cuddling, hand holding, and kissing can be just as important as sex. As long as it doesn't always come across as something you are doing in the hopes of it becoming sex, I would encourage you to be affectionate and playful. An amazing kiss or a phenomenal hug can truly rock someone's world in all the good ways.

Falling in love is a thrilling and scary process, especially for the first time. Sometimes we start to obsess or panic about things that in the long run could be a non-issue in order to prevent ourselves from falling too hard or too fast. We shouldn't ignore our thoughts and feelings as we get to know a partner, but it's important to distinguish between what is a valid concern, what is a product of fear, and what just can't be determined yet. I think this might fall under all three categories in varying degrees, but is not something that outweighs the amazing process of falling in love. Enjoy and good luck!
posted by katemcd at 2:07 PM on October 19 [3 favorites]

Considering that the front-end "honeymoon" part of the relationship is statistically when people are having the most sex - at it like rabbits, in fact - you may want to tread lightly with the whole "falling in love" thing.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:15 PM on October 19 [1 favorite]

As long as she enjoys sex, then you can work with her to find ways to turn her on, you can have sex. You might have to be comfortable with less sex than you were used to, or you might end up feeling like you're being more direct when you initiate sex than you have been with others, but this might be part of who she. Remember to keep talking with her, and things can be good between you two. Your "honeymoon" in terms of sex might come later, as you two work together to find what works.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:27 PM on October 19

"The other hard factor to take into account is that neither of us have been in long term relationships very much. I'm not sure if my crazy desire would stand up in a long term relationship, and maybe I'd be happy with less. And I'm not sure that she wouldn't maybe get interested in sex more in a loving situation where she felt comfortable with someone. From knowing her a little bit, I think that may be quite possible but I'm not sure."

This.


Do you know what I think decreases the libido most of a given partner in most long-term relationships? Emotional disappointment. When someone hurts your feelings often enough (even in small ways) it's really hard to, ahem, get revved up for them and remain passionate.

So if you get along well and you can maintain that - great!

Do you know what increases the feelings of passion between folks in a long-term relationship? Mutual emotional satisfaction! If you feel deeply positive about each other, sex is ON!

However, if your partner comes to the LTR party with intimacy issues (emotional, not pharmaceutical) a positive and enjoyable sex life will always be in doubt until that is addressed.

We don't know your gf, so you'll have to parse out where her true hesitation or difficulties lie on your own and as things progress. I think open communication can be your friend here. This said, a lot of stuff like this sorta takes care of itself if you relax and let physical intimacy happen organically, and when you're both clearly having fun with each other and in the mood;)

Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 2:28 PM on October 19 [1 favorite]

Speaking as a woman, I want to say: five weeks is not a lot of time to get to know someone in any sense-- emotionally, intellectually, sexually, etc. Take your time, slow things down, and let her become comfortable with you. She may need a bit more time than you to process what's happening and how she's feeling. Things will go much better for all parties if you don't pressure her in any way shape or form. Try to spend lots of time together that isn't primarily physical-- go do fun activities, go for walks, cook meals-- and let the physical part of the relationship develop at the same pace as everything else. And listen to what she's telling you-- let her know that you want to understand and help her however you can.

Good luck!
posted by airguitar2 at 2:59 PM on October 19 [1 favorite]

Also, please don't talk about this so much with her.

this. communication about this stuff is a good thing and all, but it seems like too much too soon, and may throw the focus of the relationship out of whack
posted by Think_Long at 3:21 PM on October 19

I agree with katemcd and think_long. Relax. Go slow. Be patient.
posted by opek at 8:24 PM on October 19

I know this is overthinking, seriously. I know that.

Yeah, you have it here. From her perspective, her libido may be at its lowest point ever. You're thinking "what if the entire rest of our lives is like this???" which is a lot of pressure to put on someone, when what they might need is more like "ah, tough time, you're figuring your shit out and solving this other long-standing problem, here, let me cut you some slack."

I'm not saying, "take your needs and stuff 'em -- for the next four decades!" Just keep the big picture in mind. A little support and chilling out now might go a long way. Life is long, and if everything else is working, don't freak yourself out by magnifying small problems.
posted by salvia at 7:38 PM on October 20

I can't speak for the antidepressants, having never been on any (although there was a period in my life I probably should have, but anyway). That being said, from someone who's been there, the only thing(s) to remedy a situation with a shy partner is patience/time/understanding.

I was a very late bloomer by today's sexual means. When I got together with my current boyfriend (which really was only some odd months ago), the furthest I had ever gotten with anyone was shirt off. I had a brief fling with one person before him, who was a douche, and kinda traumatized me somewhat.

So when kissing went to petting, it was awkward. When he had lightly, tangentially mentioned a fantasy? I literally froze. I didn't really want to think about him in a sense below the waist, I mean, yes, I knew about sex and all that but men's bits were kinda odd and fleshy and did I really want that up there and/or in my mouth? Really? Needless to say, anything sexier/dirtier than a kiss or three was off the table. Not Interested.

What solved it? Patience/time/understanding. I did a very awkward, sideways explanation to my boyfriend early on; he gave me a hug and said we'll go at the pace I'm comfortable with and he won't ever push. He led, but never push; there was a silent agreement whenever he silently, tactilely (is that a word?) asked for permission to go further. After he tried some stuff on me, I thought "huh, okay, might not be so bad" and tried it on him. (Positive feedback from him also worked wonders, and he never once criticized, which made me trust him more and ask questions he was more than happy to answer.)

Nowadays? I think I jump him more than he does me.

Again, I can't speak for your girlfriend since I never had chemicals interfering with my libido, and you'd know better than me whether your girlfriend has had events in her life than led her to be wary of some things. But I think your situation absolutely can improve. Give it time, back off; she'll appreciate the lack of pressure.

If my boyfriend hadn't given me the absolute unconditional support he did, we wouldn't be here now. Take a deep breath, step back. Reevaluate after, say, 4 months or so. If it hasn't improved (and even a little bit of improvement counts), then maybe bring it up again.
posted by Hakaisha at 8:55 PM on October 20