Is she simply not attracted to me?

October 19, 2009 10:37 AM

I've been with my current girlfriend for about 6 months. We are sexually active and have intercourse about 5 times per week (sometimes more frequently). However, throughout our relationship, my girlfriend has only touched my penis twice.

We had a conversation this weekend about our previous partners, and she told me that she has performed fellatio on each one of her previous boyfriends (3), in addition to two other people. She then followed up her statement by saying that she is "afraid" to perform on me, because she is "shy". What do I make of this? I'm a hyper-analytical person, so my first assumption is that she's just not into me. What are some other possibilities? Our relationship, to date, has been thriving. She claims that I am the first person she's ever been in love with, and talks about our future together. How is it possible that she is afraid of my penis? P.S. I'm slightly above average in length (7") and girth.

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

Because you are not her previous boyfriends. You said:

"She claims that I am the first person she's ever been in love with, and talks about our future together."

Well, there you go. People get a little bit more nervous about intimacy when they actually care about what you think.
posted by katillathehun at 10:43 AM on October 19 [4 favorites]

Some girls, even though they're having intercourse, still aren't comfortable with penises in general. It's not you, it's her. Don't try to fix her, or you'll only make it worse. Decide if such things are a requirement to a fulfilling sex life, and whether that's a deal breaker, and respond accordingly.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 10:46 AM on October 19

She already answered your question. She's shy about it. Use your hyper-analytical skills to recognize that her use of the word "afraid" in is relation to intimacy and her own perception of her ability to make you feel good sexually, not the relative size or nature of your weiner.
posted by RajahKing at 10:48 AM on October 19 [6 favorites]

Are you uncircumsized, by chance? I've noticed in conversations with American women, that they get kinda weird about uncut penises. (I grew up overseas, so I was sort of surprised by all the cut peni here.)

A 7" penis hardly seems like something to be afraid of, but really, the only one that can answer that is her. It seems to me that if you're comfortable enough to be making the beast with two backs on an almost daily basis, then you should be comfortable enough to talk about what you're doing.

Tell her that you really like getting head. Ask her what you should do to make her comfortable enough to do it. Maybe you need to promise not to come in her mouth, or promise not to touch her head, or whatever. (Fastest way to make me stop fellatio would be to push my head onto a penis...that's just rude.)

Then again, she may just not like doing it. Some women don't. If that's a break point for you, then best to get that info up front, and again the only way to find out is to ask her.
posted by Peecabu at 10:48 AM on October 19 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't take it personally. Some people are just a little weird about dicks. (Also, hoo-ha's, for that matter).
posted by dersins at 10:48 AM on October 19 [1 favorite]

She is emotionally opening herself up to you and you are focused on getting a blowjob. Don't second guess what she tells you. If she is says she is afraid and shy, that is what she is. Communicate with her what you want without it sounding like a demand and figure out together what you need to do to for her to feel safe, comfortable and secure.
posted by spec80 at 10:53 AM on October 19 [6 favorites]

You didn't mention if you go down on her. I've found reciprocity tends to work.
posted by birdherder at 11:10 AM on October 19 [6 favorites]

She is never going to be as enthusiastic about your penis as you are. With that in mind, if you guys are doing it five times a week -and- you want domes on top of that, I think maybe you should ask yourself if your sexual expectations are realistic.
posted by sephira at 11:10 AM on October 19 [4 favorites]

She might just think she isn't very good at it and doesn't want to disappoint you. In this case-- feedback and positive encouragement will be pretty necessary if she does decide to try it.

And in any case, spec80 is right- figure out what she needs to be safe, comfortable, and secure. Even if you didn't care about her at all (which you do, yes?) -- you wouldn't get a very good blow job from someone terribly nervous who doesn't feel safe.
posted by nat at 11:11 AM on October 19 [2 favorites]

Consider that because she's into you more, she doesn't want to make what she perceives to be a fool of herself by giving you bad head.
posted by Solomon at 11:31 AM on October 19 [1 favorite]

She then followed up her statement by saying that she is "afraid" to perform on me, because she is "shy". What do I make of this?

What is stopping you from asking your girlfriend? Because no one here can answer your question. No one here knows what she meant. Just ask her what she's afraid of. I'm sure it's not your penis.
posted by iconomy at 11:43 AM on October 19

*What do I make of this?*

What you make of this is that no two women are the same (or men). Some women will only lose their inhibitions and partake in all forms of sex when in a semi-committed or committed relationship. Others, paradoxically, are porn stars with guys who they know they have no future with. You need to ask her, not in my words, who she is. If she's the former, you're fine; if she the latter, tread carefully.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:55 AM on October 19 [1 favorite]

Talk about it more. Don't be afraid to set aside more time aside to discuss this. Let her know it's important to you and ask her what you can do to make things more comfortable for her. Make sure to be open to what she needs and what she likes. Also, assure her that there is pretty much no wrong way to give oral sex. Assure her that having a mouth on your penis feels good and she cannot disappoint.
posted by Fairchild at 12:20 PM on October 19

I'm a hyper-analytical person, so my first assumption is that she's just not into me.

She's having sex with you 5 times a day and talking of a future with you, so I'm not sure why you think she's not into you. There's any number of reasons she she's afraid of you, from size to fear of being emotionally hurt. The only way to find out for sure is to stop assuming and ask her, in a non-judgmental way and then go from there.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:21 PM on October 19 [1 favorite]

Find out what her fantasies are. Then help her fulfill them.

Trust me, you'll probably have fun doing this. And she'll be angling for your wang in no time.

Sex is a dance, not a race. You don't score any points for finishing first.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:22 PM on October 19

Some people don't like giving oral. I have, um, a friend who will readily accede to doing pretty much anything else in order to get out of BJ-land. It's not about my friend's desire for the other person involved, it's about my friend's own preferences re breathing and saliva and so on.
posted by kittyprecious at 2:07 PM on October 19

I've noticed in conversations with American women, that they get kinda weird about uncut penises.

This is changing as less boys are cut.

And I'm guessing the OP did get too analytical on this one, since given the same fact most people are going to the opposite conclusion. If she didn't can what you thought she might be inclined to go for it and see how things turned out.

People often have issues with people they want to impress. It's pretty easy to do whatever when you don't care what people will think.

Honestly, Brandon Blatcher has the best answer here. If she didn't care she'd be having sex with you a lot less than 5 times a week.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:17 PM on October 19

If you give, then you should receive. If you do not give, well, there you go.

I think that this might be a genuine fear or whatever but at the same time...it's still an odd thing to worry about in the context of an otherwise supportive relationship.
posted by kathrineg at 4:10 PM on October 19

We had a conversation this weekend about our previous partners, and she told me that she has performed fellatio on each one of her previous boyfriends (3), in addition to two other people.

Everyone has great advice in the thread but this statement stuck out to me. Who began this conversation about previous partners? You or her? If you did, you need to seriously back off on this issue or you're just going to exacerbate her shyness about her perceived "problem." Excluding STD history and funny sexual anecdotes, discussing details of past sexual encounters with previous partners is weird and creepy. Asking or demanding her to tell you these details is even worse.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 4:40 PM on October 19

She then followed up her statement by saying that she is "afraid" to perform on me, because she is "shy". What do I make of this? I'm a hyper-analytical person, so my first assumption is that she's just not into me.

This seems a very strange analysis of her words. I'd start with the premise that perhaps she's...shy and inexperienced?

Blowjobs can be pretty intimidating to perform, because of that sneaking suspicion that you look ridiculous. (I know, the blowjob-ee isn't thinking about much beyond ZOMG YES!, but the blowjob-er can't literally read your mind.) When you're giving a blowjob, you want to look all sexy and be mind-blowing, but meanwhile you're drooling a little and remembering to breathe steadily and keep your lips over your teeth and are a little embarrassed by all the slurp slurp slurping sounds which start seeming very loud and silly.

Look, your penis is totally normal to you because you've been playing with it since you were a kid and you know how it works, but when you don't grow up with one attached to your body, they seem pretty weird. Squishy and hard at the same time, fragile yet not, some parts of the collected apparatus want vastly different treatment than other parts. I'm 35 and have seen a non-trivial number of penises, and I'm still a little shy around new ones until I get to know them.
posted by desuetude at 6:43 PM on October 19 [7 favorites]

Blowjobs can be pretty intimidating to perform, because of that sneaking suspicion that you look ridiculous.

Yeah, this is pretty much exactly what I was going to say. I like giving head. But at first, I was very anxious about being watched doing it, because I was afraid I'd look stupid. What worked for me was either being in positions where he couldn't see me very well or blindfolding him, and then as I grew more confident we were able to move towards him getting to watch what I was doing. It worked for me, at least, and I'm sure you can find a sexy way to suggest the possibility of a blindfold!

I realise her situation is somewhat different because for me it was the first guy I'd ever given head, but if she likes you much more than she liked the previous guys then I could certainly see her feeling more embarrassed about looking stupid in front of you.
posted by lwb at 6:05 AM on October 20

my girlfriend has only touched my penis twice.

And you want to jump straight into BJ-land? Dude. I would start with talking. Not "Why don't you do this?" but "I reeeeally liked it when you did that!" And that doesn't mean you're asking for or expecting a BJ. No, no. Hold your horses. We're talking TOUCHING. Hand jobs. Lube is a great addition. And make happy noises when she hits the right spots.

she told me that she has performed fellatio on each one of her previous boyfriends (3), in addition to two other people.

Yeah, and maybe it was terrible. Maybe she hated it. Maybe they were critical of her. Maybe some of those situations were less than totally consensual. Maybe she only did it because she felt really pressured, and then it was uncomfortable and embarrassing, and now here you are pressuring her.

Everyone always says the best blowjob comes from someone who is enthusiastic about it. This is not the way to inspire enthusiasm.
posted by sadmadglad at 8:14 AM on October 20 [1 favorite]

I'm a hyper-analytical person, so my first assumption is that she's just not into me.

A hyper-analytical person would (a) not just to conclusions, particularly ones unsupported by a lot of the other data, (b) gather more information, (c) test hypotheses. If you're going to be analytical and inquisitive about this, ask open and curious questions, without insecurity or fearing the worst.
posted by salvia at 7:43 PM on October 20

I agree that it is more about her than about you. With such little experience behind her she may fear being able to please you particularly if her past experiences weren't all positive. For a bit of coaching, show her how you touch yourself and tell her how it feels. See if she gets the courage to touch you.

You didn't say anything about going down on her. That wouldn't be a factor would it? ha ha
posted by bfoster at 11:00 AM on October 22