Geographical differences of opinion
October 18, 2009 10:47 PM Subscribe
I'm married and we want to live in different geographical areas. Is this fixable in a way where everyone will feel satisfied?
So when I got married I didn't realize my wife was so attached to Ohio. I knew she was very devoted to her family, so I probably should have put two and two together, but we were barely scraping by at the time and couldn't have afforded to move anyway.
A year or so after getting married our financial situation improved and we decided to move to Atlanta for awhile, just for a change. One of her friends already lived down there so it seemed like an especially good fit. Unfortunately once down there she got pretty depressed, lots of days she basically just watched TV. I on the other hand thrived, was playing tennis in a couple of different leagues and making friends that way and was doing really well. I wanted to help her find things to do and meet people, but she doesn't play sports, and that's how I find socialization so I felt out of touch.
We then got pregnant and she wanted to move back to Columbus, so we did. That was a year and a half ago, our lease is up, and I've brought up the idea of moving south again. I've told her we could consider moving back when our son is ready to enter kindergarten, and that I would fly her home at least three times a year + come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
She is thinking about it, but it seems like she would be miserable moving again. I am miserable here in the winter, I gain weight every winter from inactivity, and am somewhat depressed every year in Ohio from October or so until spring, which in Ohio is basically April or May. Living in Atlanta was an epiphany, I'm pretty sure I suffer pretty severely from seasonal depression and just didn't know any better until I saw that people live a different way.
Should I just give this up? Just to be clear, it's not like this is a dealbreaker or anything, I'd live in Alaska if that's what I had to do to be with my wife, but at the same time I'm worried one of us is going to end up resenting the other in this situation. I know the old motto "Happy wife, happy life" and I agree with it, but I'm finding it difficult in this case.
Ideally I'd like to either make the situation good enough for her to be ok with moving or somehow find peace with living the rest of my life in Ohio. Any suggestions on either count would be much appreciated, thank you.
So when I got married I didn't realize my wife was so attached to Ohio. I knew she was very devoted to her family, so I probably should have put two and two together, but we were barely scraping by at the time and couldn't have afforded to move anyway.
A year or so after getting married our financial situation improved and we decided to move to Atlanta for awhile, just for a change. One of her friends already lived down there so it seemed like an especially good fit. Unfortunately once down there she got pretty depressed, lots of days she basically just watched TV. I on the other hand thrived, was playing tennis in a couple of different leagues and making friends that way and was doing really well. I wanted to help her find things to do and meet people, but she doesn't play sports, and that's how I find socialization so I felt out of touch.
We then got pregnant and she wanted to move back to Columbus, so we did. That was a year and a half ago, our lease is up, and I've brought up the idea of moving south again. I've told her we could consider moving back when our son is ready to enter kindergarten, and that I would fly her home at least three times a year + come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
She is thinking about it, but it seems like she would be miserable moving again. I am miserable here in the winter, I gain weight every winter from inactivity, and am somewhat depressed every year in Ohio from October or so until spring, which in Ohio is basically April or May. Living in Atlanta was an epiphany, I'm pretty sure I suffer pretty severely from seasonal depression and just didn't know any better until I saw that people live a different way.
Should I just give this up? Just to be clear, it's not like this is a dealbreaker or anything, I'd live in Alaska if that's what I had to do to be with my wife, but at the same time I'm worried one of us is going to end up resenting the other in this situation. I know the old motto "Happy wife, happy life" and I agree with it, but I'm finding it difficult in this case.
Ideally I'd like to either make the situation good enough for her to be ok with moving or somehow find peace with living the rest of my life in Ohio. Any suggestions on either count would be much appreciated, thank you.
You're screwed. You need to find a way to make Ohio work for you because it's either the south or the marriage, but it's definitely not both.
I'm not saying that's fair, by the way. But that's the way it is. Even if you could help your wife to find friends and a social community in a city like Atlanta, or Nashville, or anywhere else... there's no reason to believe that would be enough to replace the connection she feels to her Ohio home not to mention the family she has there.
Sucks. I know.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 11:09 PM on October 18, 2009
I'm not saying that's fair, by the way. But that's the way it is. Even if you could help your wife to find friends and a social community in a city like Atlanta, or Nashville, or anywhere else... there's no reason to believe that would be enough to replace the connection she feels to her Ohio home not to mention the family she has there.
Sucks. I know.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 11:09 PM on October 18, 2009
Where did you live before you met her? How did you get by then? It sounds like you weren't living in the way you lived in Atlanta, but you also didn't just gain weight from inactivity, either.
Without hearing more from her side, it sounds kind of like your preferences are easier to maneuver than hers. There are a lot of things you can do in Ohio to combat seasonal depression. Of course I can't speak to your personal situation, but things like a natural spectrum light can make a big difference. Inactivity is also something that shouldn't be limited by your location; there are plenty of things you can do indoors or outdoors in colder weather. (I live in Wisconsin, so I understand bad weather.) Maybe you could move to a different place in Ohio that is still close to her family but offers more options for activity -- indoor tennis, climbing walls, indoor golf ranges, that sort of thing. You could "live a different way" in Atlanta, so you could "live a different way" in Ohio, too.
But I hope you'll also consider seeking some help from a third party. Maybe there are some underlying issues for both of you -- your wife might want some more support; you want to be active in different ways. You both have some strong motivations from your positions, so it would probably help to have someone else keep the lines of communication open so your emotions -- which sound very valid -- don't overwhelm the conversation.
posted by Madamina at 11:10 PM on October 18, 2009
Without hearing more from her side, it sounds kind of like your preferences are easier to maneuver than hers. There are a lot of things you can do in Ohio to combat seasonal depression. Of course I can't speak to your personal situation, but things like a natural spectrum light can make a big difference. Inactivity is also something that shouldn't be limited by your location; there are plenty of things you can do indoors or outdoors in colder weather. (I live in Wisconsin, so I understand bad weather.) Maybe you could move to a different place in Ohio that is still close to her family but offers more options for activity -- indoor tennis, climbing walls, indoor golf ranges, that sort of thing. You could "live a different way" in Atlanta, so you could "live a different way" in Ohio, too.
But I hope you'll also consider seeking some help from a third party. Maybe there are some underlying issues for both of you -- your wife might want some more support; you want to be active in different ways. You both have some strong motivations from your positions, so it would probably help to have someone else keep the lines of communication open so your emotions -- which sound very valid -- don't overwhelm the conversation.
posted by Madamina at 11:10 PM on October 18, 2009
Look for a job traveling in the Southeast, that still lets you base in Ohio. Many companies need sales and service personnel, willing to travel, and you can have somebody else paying for you to be in the sun and warmth 80% of every Ohio winter, while your wife enjoys her family. Kids complicate the issue, of course, but if you're home on weekends, holidays, and vacations, you can still do a lot of parenting. Many families even find that a traveling parent reduces interfamily strife, as the away parent "takes over" when home, giving the stay at home parent anticipated breaks in domestic routine. And cell phones, Web cams and hotel wifi connections help traveling business people keep in touch with family, like was never possible in earlier times.
posted by paulsc at 11:28 PM on October 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by paulsc at 11:28 PM on October 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Indoor tennis?
I'm not being flippant, but if you need wintertime activity and love tennis, I'm sure there's a way to do that, right?
I sympathize with the SAD, but the lights at the courts might help as well as the exercise.
Best wishes to you and your family. It sounds like you want this to work out.
posted by lilywing13 at 2:27 AM on October 19, 2009
I'm not being flippant, but if you need wintertime activity and love tennis, I'm sure there's a way to do that, right?
I sympathize with the SAD, but the lights at the courts might help as well as the exercise.
Best wishes to you and your family. It sounds like you want this to work out.
posted by lilywing13 at 2:27 AM on October 19, 2009
Perhaps a state of compromise? The triangle area of North Carolina might be a good fit. It's not quite as far away as Atlanta, the culture's a little more laid-back, and it's nearly as warm in the winter. I'm from Atlanta, FWIW, but I live here now.
posted by amtho at 5:37 AM on October 19, 2009
posted by amtho at 5:37 AM on October 19, 2009
Having family around will make raising your kids a lot easier.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:59 AM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 5:59 AM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Is there any way you could simply travel in the winter to a warmer/sunnier clime? Even if it's for a couple weeks, instead of a few months, it might be enough to get you through the Ohio winter.
Or perhaps your wife + kids would be amenable to living part-time in the south, say, after spending the holidays with her family. I don't know what your job and your kids' schooling situation is, but if there's any way for you to telecommute and/or homeschool your kids, it might be a possibility to spend, say, 3 months a year down south, Jan, Feb, and March.
posted by Ouisch at 6:14 AM on October 19, 2009
Or perhaps your wife + kids would be amenable to living part-time in the south, say, after spending the holidays with her family. I don't know what your job and your kids' schooling situation is, but if there's any way for you to telecommute and/or homeschool your kids, it might be a possibility to spend, say, 3 months a year down south, Jan, Feb, and March.
posted by Ouisch at 6:14 AM on October 19, 2009
Couples counseling might be really helpful in talking about this issue productively.
But, since you say that you would move to Alaska for her, and it sounds like your main objections to Ohio are the winters and your subsequent depression/lack of exercise, maybe that is an area to work on to make you happier, and see if that helps the compromise? As a native New Englander who suffers terribly from seasonal affective disorder, I have three words for you that will greatly improve life should you stay in Ohio: fake sun lamps. Not the tanning kind, the full spectrum kind. They are worth every penny. You might find yourself much happier in the winter if you sit in front of one for half an hour every day and find some way to exercise indoors. Are there indoor tennis leagues or soccer or basketball or floor hockey or something else that you could join? Or spend two weeks every winter in Florida or something?
posted by min at 7:17 AM on October 19, 2009
But, since you say that you would move to Alaska for her, and it sounds like your main objections to Ohio are the winters and your subsequent depression/lack of exercise, maybe that is an area to work on to make you happier, and see if that helps the compromise? As a native New Englander who suffers terribly from seasonal affective disorder, I have three words for you that will greatly improve life should you stay in Ohio: fake sun lamps. Not the tanning kind, the full spectrum kind. They are worth every penny. You might find yourself much happier in the winter if you sit in front of one for half an hour every day and find some way to exercise indoors. Are there indoor tennis leagues or soccer or basketball or floor hockey or something else that you could join? Or spend two weeks every winter in Florida or something?
posted by min at 7:17 AM on October 19, 2009
I always thought once I was grown up and out of my parents' house for good that I would never want to move back. I always thought that I would hate living in my hometown because it had nothing to do, was boring, etc.
Then I had a kid.
And if I could move back to my hometown where my parents and grandparents live, where most of my aunts and uncles and cousins live, and the number of babysitters is tenfold and one of the daycare options is Grandma Daycare, I would. The most isolating period of my life was those first six months after my son was born. Sure, my parents came down as often as they could. My sisters came down as often as they could. But if I had been living in my hometown, they would have been over every night. My mom would have been around to help me every day instead of just a couple of days. I would have been able to hang out at my grandmother's a lot where visitors are constantly popping in and out throughout the day. It would have been much healthier for me to have lived much closer to family during that period of my life. And now that my son is that much older and I have more of a handle on this mothering thing, I know that I am not willing to move anywhere that is devoid of family. I will not live any further away from family than I already do. At least one set of grandparents needs to be within two hours ---- maybe three if it's the right place. But if my parents couldn't be there in a matter of a few hours if I needed them (or my husband's family if we were living closer to them), then it's not an option for me. If this is the same issue for your wife, then it's going to be very difficult to persuade her to move. Family suddenly becomes that much more important when you have a child.
If one of the locations you would be willing to consider is near your family and your family gets along with your wife, then that is another option to consider. I would consider the areas where my husband's family lives, if we were really talking about moving. But I'm not willing to consider anywhere else on a whim. I'm pretty steadfast on this, though of course reality would necessitate a thorough conversation were moving for an amazing job or opportunity for either or both of us be a possibility.
The other option that may be worth looking at is if you're in-laws are retired, would they consider a property in the south where you would like to move? Would they do a winter-summer split between Atlanta and Ohio? One of my relatives does this. She owns a property in a senior community in Florida and spends six months down there half an hour from her daughter and grandchildren. Then she returns north for the spring and summer and her daughter comes up here a couple of times. If her daughter didn't have such a good job and career in Florida, she'd move back to be closer to her mother in a heartbeat --- same as me.
posted by zizzle at 7:19 AM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Then I had a kid.
And if I could move back to my hometown where my parents and grandparents live, where most of my aunts and uncles and cousins live, and the number of babysitters is tenfold and one of the daycare options is Grandma Daycare, I would. The most isolating period of my life was those first six months after my son was born. Sure, my parents came down as often as they could. My sisters came down as often as they could. But if I had been living in my hometown, they would have been over every night. My mom would have been around to help me every day instead of just a couple of days. I would have been able to hang out at my grandmother's a lot where visitors are constantly popping in and out throughout the day. It would have been much healthier for me to have lived much closer to family during that period of my life. And now that my son is that much older and I have more of a handle on this mothering thing, I know that I am not willing to move anywhere that is devoid of family. I will not live any further away from family than I already do. At least one set of grandparents needs to be within two hours ---- maybe three if it's the right place. But if my parents couldn't be there in a matter of a few hours if I needed them (or my husband's family if we were living closer to them), then it's not an option for me. If this is the same issue for your wife, then it's going to be very difficult to persuade her to move. Family suddenly becomes that much more important when you have a child.
If one of the locations you would be willing to consider is near your family and your family gets along with your wife, then that is another option to consider. I would consider the areas where my husband's family lives, if we were really talking about moving. But I'm not willing to consider anywhere else on a whim. I'm pretty steadfast on this, though of course reality would necessitate a thorough conversation were moving for an amazing job or opportunity for either or both of us be a possibility.
The other option that may be worth looking at is if you're in-laws are retired, would they consider a property in the south where you would like to move? Would they do a winter-summer split between Atlanta and Ohio? One of my relatives does this. She owns a property in a senior community in Florida and spends six months down there half an hour from her daughter and grandchildren. Then she returns north for the spring and summer and her daughter comes up here a couple of times. If her daughter didn't have such a good job and career in Florida, she'd move back to be closer to her mother in a heartbeat --- same as me.
posted by zizzle at 7:19 AM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think you are offering some good potential compromises to your wife - getting her home often to visit, et c.
But it sounds to me like maybe you guys aren't fully understanding each other's point of view? That could be just that you didn't feel like putting it all down here, but from your post, it sounds like you think she wants to be home to be near her family, but maybe you haven't talked about it very much. I think you guys could really benefit from an honest, calm discussion - you discuss the things you find hard in Ohio that you could have an easier time with elsewhere, and what you like, and ask her to do the same. The more you know, the easier it will be to resolve.
I have to say, I'm from Ohio, and my spouse is not. I am extremely attached to my family. We live away from the state. It is hard for me, sometimes, because I miss being able to see them more often. I realize that really, there's nothing that will make it a perfect solution - I will always miss my family and it will hurt me from time to time. But when I go home, I look around and see the lack of jobs, the fact that my friends live closer to where I am now, and I realize I couldn't really move back home and be OK, either. Sometimes, there's no good solution - and maybe you guys will need to accept some of that too.
But you should think about the economic climate and what that means for your child and your future, before deciding to settle in OH. That's a big risk. You described your Atlanta experience - I have to say, if I wasn't working and had nothing to do, I might feel depressed and watch TV, too. Maybe your wife was not prepared for what it feels like to be unemployed and dependent and didn't cope well. But now, it sounds like she's chosen to work at being a mom - that should help give her a new outlook. Consider all these things in your discussion - she doesn't have to be miserable when you move, but you guys might need to plan on the things that could make it hard, like the fact she doesn't work outside the home or have many social contacts. But in order to do that, you'll have to talk to her about what happened, and why, and see if she thinks there's a way to mitigate those issues if you do move.
My spouse and I have a sort of agreement on "intensity of preferences." When we disagree, we try to figure out who the choice matters to more, and usually, that person will be able to make the call. That sounds like what you're leaning towards here, but I think you could benefit from some more honest discussion before you really make the call.
posted by mccn at 7:26 AM on October 19, 2009
But it sounds to me like maybe you guys aren't fully understanding each other's point of view? That could be just that you didn't feel like putting it all down here, but from your post, it sounds like you think she wants to be home to be near her family, but maybe you haven't talked about it very much. I think you guys could really benefit from an honest, calm discussion - you discuss the things you find hard in Ohio that you could have an easier time with elsewhere, and what you like, and ask her to do the same. The more you know, the easier it will be to resolve.
I have to say, I'm from Ohio, and my spouse is not. I am extremely attached to my family. We live away from the state. It is hard for me, sometimes, because I miss being able to see them more often. I realize that really, there's nothing that will make it a perfect solution - I will always miss my family and it will hurt me from time to time. But when I go home, I look around and see the lack of jobs, the fact that my friends live closer to where I am now, and I realize I couldn't really move back home and be OK, either. Sometimes, there's no good solution - and maybe you guys will need to accept some of that too.
But you should think about the economic climate and what that means for your child and your future, before deciding to settle in OH. That's a big risk. You described your Atlanta experience - I have to say, if I wasn't working and had nothing to do, I might feel depressed and watch TV, too. Maybe your wife was not prepared for what it feels like to be unemployed and dependent and didn't cope well. But now, it sounds like she's chosen to work at being a mom - that should help give her a new outlook. Consider all these things in your discussion - she doesn't have to be miserable when you move, but you guys might need to plan on the things that could make it hard, like the fact she doesn't work outside the home or have many social contacts. But in order to do that, you'll have to talk to her about what happened, and why, and see if she thinks there's a way to mitigate those issues if you do move.
My spouse and I have a sort of agreement on "intensity of preferences." When we disagree, we try to figure out who the choice matters to more, and usually, that person will be able to make the call. That sounds like what you're leaning towards here, but I think you could benefit from some more honest discussion before you really make the call.
posted by mccn at 7:26 AM on October 19, 2009
If you traveled south 3-4 times a year, would that be enough for you? I mean that both as an honest inquiry and also, if the answer is "No, it's not enough," a way for you to see your wife's perspective more vividly.
posted by milarepa at 8:03 AM on October 19, 2009
posted by milarepa at 8:03 AM on October 19, 2009
Cincinnati is considered the "Gateway to the South."
posted by LakesideOrion at 11:13 AM on October 19, 2009
posted by LakesideOrion at 11:13 AM on October 19, 2009
I agree with Zoh1. It sounds like my Mom. She loves Kansas and that's that. Unfortunately, my Dad got a job in Utah out of college so she spent a miserable 28 years there. The family hasn't stopped hearing about it since forever. When they divorced she went back to Kansas and who knows how much of the divorce was geography-based.
I was just in a relationship myself where these issues arose. He loves Colorado and I love the East Coast and The South. I knew it was such an issue, it was one of the reasons I broke off the relationship.
posted by VC Drake at 11:15 AM on October 19, 2009
I was just in a relationship myself where these issues arose. He loves Colorado and I love the East Coast and The South. I knew it was such an issue, it was one of the reasons I broke off the relationship.
posted by VC Drake at 11:15 AM on October 19, 2009
I would also add that perhaps the best way to save the marriage is to have a long-distance one for part of the year. Like you live in Atlanta part of the year.
posted by VC Drake at 11:16 AM on October 19, 2009
posted by VC Drake at 11:16 AM on October 19, 2009
I lived in Ohio for 18 years and I feel the same way as you do. I don't have any suggestions about moving your wife, but in terms of making Ohio liveable 1) find a winter sport. There's basketball, there's squash, there's swiming, there's even indoor tennis leagues, there's cross country skiing. You get the picture. really a trip to the Y or Jcc should take care of this 2) get a light box 3)plan a vacation some place warm every February. February will get you every time.
posted by bananafish at 3:38 PM on October 19, 2009
posted by bananafish at 3:38 PM on October 19, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Different areas have different cultures, and it may be that a different culture would suit your wife better than Atlanta did. It may not necessarily be "nothing but Ohio" that she can stand so much as "just not Atlanta." For instance, I'm a native Californian, and I lived in Virginia for a while. I hated Virginia so much, though, that I thought I'd never be happy anywhere outside CA. Then I moved to Arizona, and fell in love. Now, I'd much rather live here than my home, even though I miss my friends and family.
If its her family, and only her family, that she cares about, then you're likely stuck. You probably should seek out the advice of a doctor or psychiatrist about the Seasonal Affective Disorder, because maybe you can find a solution for that that doesn't involve moving. But, at the same time, if she's open to moving but just can't stand the South.... Maybe you could travel around, checking out different parts of the US to see if there's any place that might fit her better? If you feel out what it is that you both look for in a living environment (beyond just "near family" and "not too cold"), you might be able to find a location that fits both of you like a glove.
Fortunately, it sounds like you and your wife have been communicating fairly well, and the fact that you both seem at least somewhat willing to compromise means that the two of you can work to feel this situation out, to see what might work, what might not.
posted by Ms. Saint at 11:03 PM on October 18, 2009 [1 favorite]