My Best Friend's Baby!

October 13, 2009 7:41 PM

My bestest best friend is right now in the hospital giving birth to her first baby! It's amazing, and I want to do absolutely everything I can to help her! ....But I'm 750 miles away. What can I do to give her my support?

This is my best friend of 14 years (and fellow Mefite!) we're talking about here, and if I lived anywhere at all nearby, you know I'd be in the hospital waiting for news. I would have spent the past several weeks helping cook food for her to freeze and prepare, I'd be working out a schedule for when I could help with laundry, and so much more.

...But I'm so far away, and, thanks to work, it's going to be impossible for me to come visit until December. So, all those things that online guides suggest friends do for new moms aren't that realistic -- I can't clean her house for her, I can't cook for her, I can't babysit once in a while when she feels overwhelmed. I feel guilty for not being able to be there to help her.

But there must be something I can do to be helpful! Any ideas? What can someone who is hundreds of miles away do to help the mother of a newborn?

The only idea I've been able to come up with is maybe hiring a maid service, but I know that's not something she'd appreciate (the idea makes her a bit uncomfortable. Maybe in a few months, the idea will be more appealing, but for now, that's out). I've also considered making care packages to mail to her, but what would a new mom most appreciate/want that can go through the mail?

So, please, Metafilter, help me figure out what I can do!

And, even though she's an avid AskMe reader, there's absolutely no chance she has the time or inclination to be reading right now, so I'd still be happy to hear ideas that involve surprises for her.

posted by Ms. Saint to grab bag (15 comments total)

Send them dinner!

Your friend and husband/partner/whatever are going to be exhausted and sleepless. At the end of the day they will need dinner, and they will often be too tired to do anything other than eat cereal. Help them out -- send them frozen dinners from someplace like Impromptu Gourmet or similar and they will love you forever. This is absolutely the single most useful thing our friends did for my wife and I after our first (and second) child, and it was a lifesaver.
posted by larsks at 7:48 PM on October 13 [1 favorite]

google their town and cleaner and hire a monthly house cleaning via the web or phone. Our monthly post-baby cleaning keeps me sane.
posted by k8t at 8:02 PM on October 13

Call the hospital. Ask for the delivery floor. Ask the nurse the SAME question and remind the nurse that you understand that she can't give you a play by play nor can she tell you ANYTHING about ANY patient in the hospital. She will hook you up, and tell you what you need to know.

Your friend will be surprised as hell if the nurse brings her a big ass plate of yum yum food from this awesome restaurant that delivers and accepts payment via CC over the phone, with the nurse signing for it and leaving a nice tip.

Good luck, and I hope you remember what she craves.
posted by hal_c_on at 8:02 PM on October 13

don't order food til after baby comes. No food while laboring.
posted by k8t at 8:08 PM on October 13

A supportive email, asking what you can do, and then check around for a few things they might need... diapers, extra towels or sheets, and maybe a little food, as larsks said.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 8:16 PM on October 13

Stuff I found helpful post-partum: hemerroid stuff, maxi pads, underwear that I could care less about, nursing pads (I like Lanisol brand), yoga pants... Our Dutlier (sp?) glider chair was great. SwaddleMe blankets. Lots and lots of water bottles - I was nervous about glass, Nalgene and Sigg around the baby.

She also may not have enough nursing shirts. The Japanese Weekend brand (suggested by AskMe) is great. I wore 5 of them daily for 5 months. Now with a 11 month old, I keep 2 for plane rides. Totally worth the money.
posted by k8t at 8:17 PM on October 13 [1 favorite]

If she's squicky about a maid service.. what about just a laundry service? New moms don't have the time nor energy to do laundry... or dinner. Sending dinner is great! Do you have a mutual friend near-by to her that can help you out with this?

A care package is nice too. Send something for the little one, but make the package directly for her. Once she's home people will focus on the baby and the moms tend to be left in the shadows. We just had our lives flipped upside down by this new be-ing and we tend to lose ourselves. Give her some soothing CDs, (or load up USB with mp3s?), smell-good shower stuff, Bath & Body words anti-bacterial stuff is great because hand cleanliness is a must around new babies (plus it smells yummy), some indulgent magazines, perfume (because new moms can't or don't have enough energy to shower). Those are just suggestions that I've personally sent to my friends who became new moms. You know her best. Make the package personally for her.. and make a separate one for the baby. Baby towels make cute presents.. especially one with hoodies.. I love putting ears on babies. Heh.

Most of all. Listen to her if she needs to talk. This could be a hard time for her.. it's a very big transition. If she needs to talk, be there. You may not entirely understand what she means (remember! hormones! especially if she's breastfeeding!) but just by you listening to her really speaks volumes. And be careful calling her.. new moms forget to turn off ringers sometimes and you could wake up baby :) Text before you call.

Also.. just a side thing I did for my best friend when she had her daughter. I made a mix CD of songs of girl power type music. Some i love you songs, songs about little girls, etc.. she still has it to this day and listens to it when she misses me.

I hope that helps?
posted by czechmate at 8:28 PM on October 13

Definitely what larsks said. I wouldn't bother sending food to the hospital, but providing healthy, easy meals for the weeks ahead will be a life-saver.

Also, don't forget about her in a couple of weeks' time. Often times, new mums and dads get flooded with offers of help and showered with gifts and visits right after the baby is born. But having a new baby in the house can cause stress and sleeplessness for weeks or months. So don't go overboard immediately and then provide no support down the track.
posted by puffl at 9:00 PM on October 13

I have a 21 week old.

Tangible things you can send:
Things I wish I had had that I didn't know I wanted until later: a book called "the Wonder Weeks" (amazon has it, but I can't look it up from this phone); receiving/swaddling blankets that are LARGE and SQUARE (target sells some by dwell that fit the bill; lots of them from etsy are good); more outfits with zippers and feet; sophie the teether (she's a giraffe from france; expensive but worth it); socks in bigger sizes.

Also, petunia pickle bottom is having a sale right now (petuniaoutlet.com) if she doesn't have an awesome diaper bag yet. If she does, get her one of the cross town clutches for quick trips! Things from the Layette section of janieandjack.com are my favorite clothes -- so soft, wash really well, super cute (especially for girls).

Also, if you're that far away, you're in different time zones. Can you be someone to talk/chat with during the middle of the night feedings? I appreciated that a lot in the early weeks.
posted by dpx.mfx at 9:40 PM on October 13 [1 favorite]

Get her two of these - you need two so that while one is being cleaned the other one can be used by the bub.
posted by awfurby at 10:34 PM on October 13

It's a token gesture, but you're 750 miles away, so hey. I've never known a new mum to be who hasn't adroed Baby Blooms as a gift.

Personally, I'd hold back on the BIG GESTURE. As a new parent she's going to be overwhelmed with her new baby, fatigue, pourings of goodwill, the likely arrival of both mother and mother-in-law at the same time. Plus, selfishly, the BIG GESTURE is unlikely to be appreciated right now as much as it would be later.

With the best will in the world, most parents tend to put friends on the back burner as they devote their love and energies towards their newborn. It might help to scale back your expectations a fraction - I'm sure you're her best friend, but you have, by necessity, dropped a large rung down the pecking order of importance.

My advice: When everything has died down a little, do something awesome and thoughtful, but be wary of imposing something like a maid on your friend unless you're 100% the gift will be received as you intend it. It's awfully easy for it to be read as needy or intrusive or just a bit too much.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:04 AM on October 14 [3 favorites]

Send her a tin of homemade cookies. I know how silly this sounds but it has three advantages:

1. It isn't more STUFF. Because you know her house is filling up with STUFF. It's something that will be consumed.

2. It's a guilty pleasure. "I may be getting no sleep, may not have showered in two days, might feel like Elsie the cow....but dammit, I'm going to treat myself to a cookie!" (Bonus: If she's breastfeeding, she is going to be really, really hungry. YARGH, COOKIES! Also, that means she has something to share when folks drop by.)

3. Cookies can be eaten one-handed. This is vitally important as she is probably holding the baby in her arms or on her body ALL OF THE TIME. The one-handed diet not only requires a minimal need for food manipulation, but also silence (no crinkly bags or things to clean up) because one does not want to wake the baby. Cookies are, therefore, perfect candidates.


Include a funny note of support and joy at the new arrival.

Repeat as necessary, varying the choice of cookies.

P.S. You are a good friend. How sweet of you to want to do something!
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:06 AM on October 14

I agree with the earlier post about not forgetting her in a few weeks time. I found the 6-14 week period really hard with both my babies. People inexplicably expect mums to be dealing with it all fine by then, and there's no reason why they should be.

It's also at that point where she'll start to want to wear nicer clothes than just jogging pants and a sweatshirt, esp if some (but not quite all) the weight has come off. Has she got comfy but vaguely stylish clothes to fit the change in weather after 2 months? One or two mix/match items she can just sling on in 20 seconds? I have a few items like that, which I can chuck on when my baby's screeching for attention down the hall... So useful, and she will feel a tiny bit lovely in them, which she'll deserve after those first few weeks.
posted by dimon at 5:47 AM on October 14

My absolute bestest best friend asked me to hold off on a visit for at least a month, so waiting until December should be okay.

The other thing I got her -- which someone else suggested, and turned out to be a genius idea -- was a subscription to a super-glossy, vaguely gossipy entertainment magazine, like People or Entertainment Weekly. The woman who recommended that as a gift said that it would be ideal because "you know that for this whole first year there are going to be days when she's only got a couple hours' sleep, her husband's being a jackass, the baby's crying, the house hasn't been cleaned in weeks, she won't be able to read anything -- but hey, here are pictures of people in pretty dresses!"

I got a subscription, and it started showing up about six weeks after the birth. My friend said that the first day the first issue arrived, it was a day exactly like that -- she was alone in the house with her baby, she'd only had an hour of sleep, the baby was fussy, she was getting ready to feed the baby AGAIN, she was exhausted and felt completely cut off from the world -- but then the mailslot clinked and she saw that issue of People slide through it, and she said "it was like the clouds parted and it got hit with a spotlight." She said she pounced on it, and actually was so desperate she used her own daughter's HEAD as a bookrest so she could read while feeding her.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:33 AM on October 14 [1 favorite]

You shouldn't visit her in person, anyway, not for several weeks at least. She'll be exhausted from the delivery, and exhausted from the sleepless nights. (Six months on, our kid still wakes us up at night...I haven't had 8 hours of sleep that whole time).

Nthing food and/or laundry service. Pre-kid you don't think about the energy it takes to do those things, but when you have a little one they become an order of magnitude more difficult.

Pillows! Nursing pillows, baby pillows. There's a firm pillow that is a very simple wedge shape that our baby really loved; we could put him on the ground easily with that thing. And your friend will be doing LOTS of baby holding, which is a lot easier if you can keep your back straight with a mound of pillows behind you.
posted by zardoz at 12:19 AM on October 15