Breaking(up) news

October 13, 2009 5:32 PM

What is the best way for a couple to tell their mutual friends that they're ending a long-term relationship?

My partner of nearly six years and I decided a few weeks ago to break up. This breakup is amicable and mutual. We still live together and will have to do so for at least the time being for financial and logistical reasons. We are best friends and were before we became a couple. Most of our problems were related various very complicated issues that are impossible to explain briefly, but they weren't really tied to our ability to interact as friends, just as a romantic couple. No misbehavior by either party, or anything like that. We are very private about the inner-workings of our relationship, and none of our friends, mutual or not, know about these problems. We met early in college and I'd say 75% of each of our friends are friends with both of us. We have a group of about 10 core friends who are equally friends with each of us.
We haven't told anyone but family, and a few non-mutual friends who aren't really connected to our core friend group. We still hang out with each other, and hang out with our friends both together and separately and just act normal. It seems hard to bring up the subject of us breaking up without it being weird, or seeming like an announcement or something. Neither of us list our relationship status on things like Facebook, so it's not like we can just go the passive route without it seeming really contrived (we don't have to "end" our online "relationship" since it doesn't exist).
I know that a few of our best mutual friends are going to be 1) shocked, and 2) probably pretty upset because we've all had a certain dynamic as a group that they will see as changing, even if it really doesn't have to that much (neither of us foresee dating again in the near future since we need time alone, and even then it will probably be outside of our interactions with the friend group at issue). We have been seen as a unit for the past 6 years. The breakup is still pretty surreal to us (we're still having a hard time coping, but that's a whole 'nother AskMe). We know we don't have to tell them yet, but it's going to come up eventually, especially as we spend less time together.

TL;DR aside, I'm looking for suggestions of what worked for people who had to tell their friends about their breakup.

posted by anonymous to law & government (14 comments total)

Been there. I told people "no drama, we're just gonna be best friends now"; it confused some but made sense to most.
posted by runehog at 5:52 PM on October 13

I had a couple of long-running couples in my social group break up recently. In one case word pretty much spread like lightning, probably beause the guy moved out right away onto a friend's couch - rather public. In another, we were all in a band together and they called a 'band meeting' over nachos and beer and sort of announced the news. I think the latter would have been awkward had there not been some practical things we had to work out together. My vote would be for a short email or phone call to a close friend and ask him/her to let everyone else know.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:53 PM on October 13

I was on the other end: I was one of the core group who dealt with a couple who had been together for 8 years and decided to break-up shortly after getting married. They were gentle and each of them pulled me aside to tell me the news. They were consistent with their stories and their reasons, and they are still quite close, just not romantically involved. The dynamic did change, and that was hard, but by the same token, the dynamics of a group of friends rarely stay the same for long; people grow and change and move and stuff. Is the current dynamic better? It's just different; we all adjusted. And our love for both parties didn't waiver - we supported and loved them through a tough and emotional time and we are still all friends, although some of us have gravitated toward one or the other of the pair. You might want to try to prepare for that. It wasn't an issue of favorites, it just sort of happened that way.

Good luck!
posted by cachondeo45 at 5:57 PM on October 13 [3 favorites]

Your friends will understand. If the two of you have ended things, that's the hardest part. Be open, be honest, and ask your friends to understand the complexities of a fresh breakup. In time, yes the three of you (you, your partner, and your friends) may eventually all hang out together, but for now, their assistance to the two of you breaking up cleanly may be to understand the need for a shift in group dynamics.

When and if you or your former partner start dating (other people) again, I strongly recommend you ask your mutual friends to show respect for eachother's privacy and refrain from commenting on the new couple to the third party.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:58 PM on October 13

Friends of mine had a breakup party.
posted by rodgerd at 6:20 PM on October 13 [4 favorites]

You'll probably want to call the people you're closest to and let them know over the phone. Just come out with it: I have bad news. We've broken up. Email every one else. This is a situation made for a mass bcc email starting with "sorry for the mass email, but...."--this way everyone gets the same message at the same time with the same details. Just say, very simply, you have some bad news. You & ex have decided to break up. You plan to remain friends and it's very amicable; no one is at fault. You said it well here: "Most of our problems were related various very complicated issues that are impossible to explain briefly, but they weren't really tied to our ability to interact as friends, just as a romantic couple." Some people will pry, some won't. They will probably discuss it amongst each other, as they need to process the news, so if you want to tell someone more details, make it clear what's secret. Let your friends know what you expect in regards to socializing together--should they continue to invite both of you to everything? Some people are going to be very upset, some are not. You might be surprised to find that some of your more perceptive friends may have noticed a difference or a tension.

Look--friendships and friend groups change over time. Sometimes it's good and easy, sometimes it's hard and painful. If it wasn't you breaking up, it would be someone moving or getting in a fight or having a baby or something else. You are in no way obligated to stay together or pretend to be together for the sake of your friends. I'm sure they would rather you were honest about what's up. And you are both going to need their support in the next few months, and you can't get that without telling them what's up.

Unsolicited: anon, trust me, one of you needs to move out as soon as you possibly can. Even if it means you take turns sleeping on friends' couches. Living together and trying to get over each other requires superhuman effort--this is a time when you're trying to change a core part of your life and you can't go to the person you've always gone to. You'll both heal easier and get over the shock faster if you make the break more complete. Many hugs--this is a terrible thing to go through. Memail me if you want to!
posted by min at 6:46 PM on October 13 [2 favorites]

i'm going to vote for not telling anyone until one of you actually moves out, unless one of you starts seeing someone else before then. i mean, don't openly deceive people, but if the issue doesn't normally come up, don't force it until it becomes material.

here's my rationale: you don't discuss your sexual relationship with these people, so why start now? when the time comes, just say it's been in the works for a while and you feel good about it. because if you tell people you are breaking up but still living together, people will be all in your business about it. politely, i'm sure, but there will be gossip, attention, speculation about it.

also, if you have to live together for a while, i think you will find it harder to disengage than you think. you may hook up, you may reconnect. even if your intention isn't to reconcile, you may go back to each other just out of habit and proximity until the break becomes more permanent, especially since you are otherwise on good terms. so, as above, this is not something you want to bring these friends into.

so, lie low. don't make future plans as a couple. if people start to notice your making more independent plans, just say yes, you are reexamining the relationship and you appreciate their support and change the subject. then, when you find separate living arrangements, have a breakup party and invite all your friends.

please understand, this isn't because what you're doing is weird or shameful. it's just complicated and private and since you want to maintain good feeling on all sides, it's in your interest to control the message. think about it like you're explaining a divorce to your kids. you don't want to give people information they can't do anything with. the best way to do that is to wait until it actually, physically matters to the people who hear it (joey needs a roommate and who wants to help emily move to her new apartment?), and present a unified front of good will.

good luck! i hope this is the beginning of a happy new chapter for you both.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:49 PM on October 13 [2 favorites]

also, i apologize for any heteronormative bias in the above counsel, but think it works pretty well however the genders shake out.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:54 PM on October 13

My ex and I worked together in a very close office. After we broke up we kept it a secret for 3 months. Then when we told everyone, we were able to avoid any drama by casually saying - what? oh, we broke up months ago. Everything's cool, we're still friends. So I'd say keep the breakup secret and act the way you want your friend dynamic to feel whenever you're around your mutual friends for a while... maybe until you guys stop living together. Then when you finally tell everyone, nothing will be weird because you've already established the new normal.
posted by twistofrhyme at 11:46 PM on October 13

One of my college-best-friends and basically my non-related twin divorced this year. Their friends were made up of college people, some subset who were firmly friends of both people, and other subsets which were one or the other person's friend and became friends of the couple, and people they were mutually friends with where they lived. They decided amongst themselves who would tell whom what was going down, and they were clear with people that they didn't expect people to choose sides.

Inevitably people chose sides. So be prepared for that, and if it doesn't happen - then YAY. Otherwise, I think the way they handled it, quietly and with dignity and respect for the other person and for the relationships between everyone, was really good.
posted by Medieval Maven at 5:31 AM on October 14

I had a situation very similar to this. It never felt right saying "we broke up" because of all the associations that go with that. At one point I came up with the phrase "we renegotiated the terms of our relationship", which is a sort of lighthearted way of conveying the fact that there is a relationship that persists. Another thing I used to say was "we are better friends than lovers", which people could also accept pretty well and they didn't tend to press for details.
posted by carmen at 7:43 AM on October 14

I knew a couple who had a divorce party. Perhaps something similar would work for you and your core friend group.
posted by yohko at 12:24 PM on October 14

Your situation sounds very similar to mine several years ago. Very similar.

My ex-husband and I used to have an anniversary party each June. That year, without warning, we had an "annidivorcery" party instead, and we stocked up a little extra on the booze.

We hadn't broken the news to most of our friends because, well... it's weird to just call folks up to announce something like that. At the party, most thought it was a bummer we were splitting but loved the party idea because it felt "normal" to them, and also gave them a way of dealing with the news out loud -- they were able to sort of gossip-but-it's-not-really-gossip about it in a setting in which is was perfectly okay (and expected of them) to do so.

We were just sure to be good hosts and talk to the friends who seemed to need it (some people were quite upset and actually cried, but they were able to see us happy together, which I think was good). Throughout the party, we smiled at one another a lot and kept it jovial. When it boils down it's about your happiness; everyone else is responsible for their own.

After that, we took a "farewell tour" roadtrip to both of our hometowns to pretty much do the same thing with our families. We just presented a united front, letting everyone involved know that we were both okay, but we'd made a decision to split, and that's that -- we didn't share our reasons beyond "we don't want to be married anymore, and it's mutual." End of story; no one's business.

It actually all worked out nicely because we didn't have to do it alone, which I think is just harder, and it also gave us an opportunity to say goodbye to each others' families -- no loose ends that way that we'd have to deal with later.

It's not for everyone, but it worked for us. Divorce doesn't always have to be a horrible thing.
posted by heyho at 7:05 PM on October 14 [1 favorite]

A week after my bf told me that he wants some "time off"(what ever that means) I told my friends that we are not together anymore. My bf told me not to say anything to anyone until we know for sure that we are "over"

It's confusing.
posted by stillhopeful at 8:53 AM on October 18