How can I follow my dreams without upsetting my parents?

October 12, 2009 12:38 PM

How can I follow my dreams without upsetting my parents?

I am 22 and live on my own. I'm not really dependent on them at all, but rather on social security & things of a similar nature. My parents have very stressful lives, & almost all of my ambitions/wishes/dreams require some level of risk. Everything that I want to do is something that would make them worry for my future and my safety. All they want is for me to be secure & out of danger, because they know what it's like to not have enough to eat, & they never want that to happen to me. So I feel like I can't move in any direction without putting a huge emotional burden on them.

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

You don't really give any detail that would allow one to give you any kind of meaningful answer. Please try again with a little more exposition.
posted by axiom at 12:41 PM on October 12 [9 favorites has favorites]

All parents worry about their kids, but sometimes you have to crash a thousand times before you learn to fly. Parents hope they can take the sting out of learning, but they can't.

Your parents will get over whatever it is you want to do. Don't let the fact they they already have stress cause you to live a life that's less than you want. That's not fair to you.

Or you could just lie to them.
posted by inturnaround at 12:49 PM on October 12

If your parents would get upset about their 22-year-old offspring doing something other than living off of social security and things of a similar nature, and if your dreams involve gainful employment and self-sufficiency, you should probably ignore their feelings and take the necessary steps to get out of your current situation.

All they want is for me to be secure & out of danger, because they know what it's like to not have enough to eat, & they never want that to happen to me.

If you're currently relying on the U.S. Government for sustenance, you are neither secure nor out of danger in the sense that you have set forth.

So I feel like I can't move in any direction without putting a huge emotional burden on them.

Then get on with your life and don't talk to them for a while. I guarantee that, by living off of government assistance and not moving in any direction, you are placing a bigger emotional burden on them than you would by actually doing something. If you had an MBA and were working in a steady job but dreamed of leaving it all to be a street performer, my advice might be a bit different. But if, as it seems from your question, you are doing nothing with your life and dreaming of doing something other than living off the Government's dime, then my advice to you is to get off your butt, stop making excuses, and start living. Your parents, unless they are insane, will be happier if you are not a bum.
posted by The World Famous at 12:57 PM on October 12 [2 favorites has favorites]

Your parents will worry about you no matter what you do and you have to decide for yourself how much you will let that hold you back. Their emotional burden is not your responsibility.

From what you've said, it sounds like they want you be more sheltered than you care to be. Growing up is all about learning to do things on your own so that when you move out, become an adult and don't have your parents there all the time, you can still take care of yourself. The best way, IMHO, to learn these things is to be able to practice them while still having the safety net that comes along with living at home. For example, I had friends who were not allowed to date until they were 18, while we could at 15. My mother's reasoning was that we could learn about relationships while still having support and without the stress of living alone.

Perhaps if you could explain this to your parents, that you'd like to try some things out while you still have a safety net, they'd be more agreeable.
posted by soelo at 12:58 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Also, to the extent that your reliance on government assistance is because of some disability, that still doesn't change the fact that you should worry more about getting out and living than about whatever emotional issues your parents might have about you doing something other than nothing.
posted by The World Famous at 1:03 PM on October 12

It might help to know what your hopes and dreams are, but I'm going to assume you mean the sort of doctor vs. artist thing and not that you're wanting to become a base jumper or anything life-threatening.

I've been in a similar situation and have found that the more time that passes, the more your parents will trust you to make your own decisions. At 22, you are still a child to them and "don't know anything about the real world." The important thing to remember is that it's your life, and you have every right to follow the paths that will give you the most satisfaction. I also have to remind myself to be thankful that I have parents who love me and want the best for me, and that they can't help being worried.

Make the decisions you want to make, and they will eventually see how happy and motivated you are because you're doing something you love. If they give you a hard time about it, be loving and firm. Let them know that you appreciate that they are concerned but that it is your decision to make. Your only obligation to them is to be a loving, supporive, respectful daughter or son. They owe you the same. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to stop them from worrying. Just tell yourself that it's for their own good, because eventually you will be the happy, successful child who proved them wrong.
posted by a.steele at 1:03 PM on October 12

I don't know how possessive your parents are or how they might react, so I can only address you directly. You're a grown-up now. This is your life. You should let nothing stand in your way of following your dreams, taking risks, living life to the fullest. Few things are as tragic to me as the stories of people who spend their whole lives in timid stagnation, never getting outside of their comfort zones or doing anything truly audacious. Don't waste away. In the immortal words of Ms. Frizzle, "take chances, make mistakes, get messy!"
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:08 PM on October 12

doing something other than living off the Government's dime, then my advice to you is to get off your butt, stop making excuses, and start living. Your parents, unless they are insane, will be happier if you are not a bum.
posted by The World Famous at 2:57 PM on October 12

Wow, really? Some of your advice is good, but I think you have made a big leap here. You are assuming, among other things, that this person has a disability and that it is something they can just get over. And you imply they are a bum! You don't even know if their hopes and dreams involve a career.
posted by soelo at 1:11 PM on October 12 [2 favorites has favorites]

How about just going out of your way to reassure them? Look up statistics to present that whatever you want to do isn't as dangerous as they fear. (Unless your dream is eating as many raw eggs as possible or something.) You can spin it as much as you need to so that they feel comfortable.

If your dreams involve things like living in a dangerous city/traveling to a dangerous place promise to call/write (x number of times) to keep them updated. Then follow up and do that.

If it is something like hang gliding... they don't need to know until afterward.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 1:19 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Perhaps you could put it to them along the lines of 'secure and out of danger' is tantamount to saying caged and restricted (perhaps not literally), whereas it would be more altruistic if they wanted for whatever makes you happy.

Failing that, don't be afraid of schism - go and live your dreams... and that way - when they come round to the idea, you all have an awesome reunion to look forward to. ;)
posted by dirm at 1:23 PM on October 12 [2 favorites has favorites]

You can't control how other people, think, feel or behave. Ever. At all.

Your parents will be upset by things you do. So what? Your parents made the choices they made, for right or wrong. You have the chance to make whatever choices you want to make, for right or wrong. So make them. Your parents did.

If they're halfway decent people, they'll be happy that you're happy, even if they aren't happy about how you're happy. And if they're not halfway decent people, quit worrying about them and what they think. The fact that they're your parents doesn't mean that a] they have the right to control you, by force or emotional blackmail, b] their opinions matter and c] they have your best interests at heart.

The only person who matters in this is you. What do you want? Do that, because when you're lying on your deathbed, "mommy and daddy didn't want me to" is going to be cold comfort when you look back on the dreams you didn't fulfil.
posted by Solomon at 1:26 PM on October 12 [5 favorites has favorites]

Wow, really? Some of your advice is good, but I think you have made a big leap here. You are assuming, among other things, that this person has a disability and that it is something they can just get over. And you imply they are a bum! You don't even know if their hopes and dreams involve a career.

I didn't mean to be harsh. Nor did I mean to imply that only employment is a valid "dream." But the asker needs to get to doing something.
posted by The World Famous at 1:26 PM on October 12

I'm not really dependent on them at all, but rather on social security & things of a similar nature.

This has the breezy sound of deliberately withheld detail. I don't think anyone here is in a position to tell you whether or not your parents' worry is appropriate without a lot more detail.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:31 PM on October 12 [3 favorites has favorites]

There aren't really enough details here to work on. You should message the mods with a follow-up.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:32 PM on October 12

I don't know what it is that you want to do, but everyone who has said your parents will always worry is right. You're going to have to risk upsetting them if you want to be truly independent. You will make your mistakes, but those are necessary if you want to learn how to avoid the same mistakes in the future. It might help your parents if you have some kind of backup plan in case things don't work out. But, honestly, they're never going to believe you can handle it until you show them. Step 1. of preparing for risks? Learn how to deal with upsetting your parents. It's gonna happen. You'll be fine, and so will they.
posted by katillathehun at 1:34 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

OK, I guess posting anonymously isn't any more anonymous than just posting.

I've been "disabled" enough to get medical leave from college and get social security since I was 19. Basically paranoia and anxiety from post-traumatic stress disorder. I feel it's legitimate and I don't feel undeserving. 40% of my money it is spent on rent, 40% on groceries and I save the rest.

My housing and job-searching is supported by a community-based organization. Personal relationships with people who try to help me have some impact on how I'm doing at any one time. Some of them think that since I don't need help with money management, and since they don't have to make sure that I eat and bathe, there must be nothing wrong with me. But since a lot of others in the program are mentally challenged and will be dependent their whole lives, they don't expect anything of me.

RIGHT NOW is the best I've ever done in my life - contemplating starting my own life that's more than just "recovery" (doing nothing). I've been going to a Buddhist practice, going to university classes, cooking, etc. when before I couldn't function at all. Thinking about my goals comes naturally. What I want to do is possibly move, possibly go back to college (I have some offers), possibly look for all kinds of opportunities that involve slight financial insecurity but I have such a close relationship with my parents that I'm afraid of upsetting them all of the time.
posted by hypervenom at 2:38 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

So I feel like I can't move in any direction without putting a huge emotional burden on them.

From what you're saying, they appear to have put a huge emotional burden on you!

You are not responsible for your parents' feelings. Your parents are grownups and have a choice about how to interpret your moves towards independence. They can worry themselves to death

The rude reality is that everyone , disabled or not, winds up upsetting his or her parents at some point in the maturation process. It could be anything. Lousy grades. Coming home wasted. An outrageous haircut. An inappropriate boyfriend or girlfriend. It's part of the process of individuation, of becoming your own man or woman.

My suggestions are to put a little more emotional distance between yourself and your parents, establish some firmer boundaries.
posted by jason's_planet at 2:41 PM on October 12 [3 favorites has favorites]

sorry, that line should read "They can worry themselves to death or they can experience the fear, learn to deal with it themselves, and support you without smothering you."
posted by jason's_planet at 2:44 PM on October 12

Of course your parents will worry (says the mum of 2), that's what we do. However, I'd worry far more for the long term prospects of a child who did not have the confidence to find a way through difficulties and make a planned effort to do something different that would make his/her life more fulfilled. If your parents are truly anxious for you, perhaps you need to assure them that you have a plan, and a backup plan. And remind them that they won't be there forever to catch you - or just stand around holding the net - and that better you should go for it now. I'm not suggesting you have to justify yourself to your parents, just reassure them that whatever you're planning isn't being done on a whim. If they give you a fight, remind them that you are a person, too, but give them a bit of time to get used to the idea before writing them off. It's a parent's job to do their best to give you a start and then let go.

Caveat: if your plan includes climbing Everest, sailing solo across an ocean or something of the like, even I would give you a bit of a hard time.
posted by x46 at 3:09 PM on October 12

almost all of my ambitions/wishes/dreams require some level of risk

living requires some level of risk
posted by litleozy at 3:10 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Work towards accepting that feelings don't have to determine actions.
posted by kathrineg at 3:17 PM on October 12

Thanks for the extra details, hypervenom. Sounds like you've had some tough times; it's good that you are feeling like you can move past that now.

My guess is that your parents aren't really worried about you pursuing your dreams. Every parent wants to see their child happy and successful. They are probably more worried that you could fall back to where you were if you go too fast, and they don't want to see that happen. If you could talk to them and reassure them that you feel confident about what you are doing, and that you are comfortable in your progress, they will probably be OK.
posted by InfidelZombie at 3:21 PM on October 12

Missed your extra details hypervemon and feel like a bit of a dick for the one sentence reply, so I'll try and say something useful to make up for it.

First of all, what InfidelZombie said: parents want you to be happy and fulfilled even if that can be hard to see as their child (I say this myself having made decisions to 'protect' my parents from worry when it might have been better for me, and hence for them, if I had focused on my own wants instead).

And again, what InfidelZombie said: if you're worried about upsetting them then reassure them and talk it through. You can either work something out with them that will worry them less (because parents will worry no matter what) and if the only risk is slight financial insecurity in the name of a better future, then they will want to trust you.

(I'm assuming you're not thinking going to work as a rock star or a Mount Everest guide)

There is one more thing that is worrying me though: are you sure you're not using your parents as another barrier? So you can not do something but then rationalise so that it's not you being afraid, but you being respectful of your parents?
posted by litleozy at 3:43 PM on October 12

You have my permission to go and live a fulfilling life.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:48 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for." - William Shedd
posted by mosk at 4:14 PM on October 12 [10 favorites has favorites]

Based on your followup, your dreams seem perfectly reasonable and not terribly worrisome. A "slight financial risk" along the lines of starting your own business or becoming a consultant is something that zillions of people do, so assuming this is more or less what you're talking about, it sounds to me like your parents are just worrying because That's What Parents Do. Infidel Zombie's guess about them not wanting to see you fall back makes a lot of sense to me (because Parents Must Worry, and most of the time they pick something fairly understandable to worry about).

However, I doubt that you'll be able to talk them out of it. Their worry is born of emotion, not logic, and you can't reason somebody out of a position they didn't reason themselves into in the first place. My Mom is a terrible worrier and she'd be happiest if I never left the house (except then she'd nag me about not getting enough exercise and fresh air - you just can't win with a chronic worrier!) The tactic I eventually adopted was to do stuff first, then tell her about it.

So after I got home from a caving trip or flying lesson or whatever, I'd tell her how much fun it was and how it made me feel really great to know that I was capable of blah blah blah. It would have been downright petulant to rain on my parade at that point, and eventually the message sunk in: I was an independent person who could take care of myself, I could be trusted to make sensible decisions, and if I got myself into a jam I could get myself out again without needing Mommy to come rescue me.

This took literally years of repetition, though. So I'd advise you to just start doing the things you want to do and brace yourself for a bunch of flak from your parents at first. As they gradually come to see you as a capable, independent adult, their worrying/nagging will taper off, but it will probably take the better part of a decade. I'm not exaggerating here. But if you are not willing to cut off your parents cold turkey, you have to ease them into this new view of you. They've spent 2 decades thinking of you as a child and you have to re-train them into seeing you as an adult. It won't happen overnight but with patience, respect and affection, you'll get there eventually. Good luck!
posted by Quietgal at 4:18 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Move far away from your parents. They may still worry, but it will be more obvious that the stuff they are worrying about is 97% made up and only 3% anything to do with you at all. Worry is like that. And moving is like that.
posted by eritain at 5:34 PM on October 12

I have such a close relationship with my parents that I'm afraid of upsetting them all of the time.
I'm just guessing, but this sounds like it may be your anxiety far more than your parents. If you have a solid relationship with your parents, then it should be safe to rock the boat just a little bit. Have you even tested the waters, talking a little about your goals for the future and where you would like to be in 5 or 10 years? Or are you afraid that saying anything at all will upset them? It may be (especially if you present it well) that your parents will be far more supportive than you think. (Children, even adult children, often underestimate their parents' resilience and love.)

By presenting it well, I mean think about what they want for you and be prepared to show how what you are planning fits in with their true goals (healthy, happy, secure).

Think about what you can do to lower the risk. Disability services at the new college, social and emotional support from an Independent Living Center in the new city, transfer of benefits, what to do if it turns out to be a bigger step than you are ready for at the moment. It would be great if you had family (that you liked) living near the new location - it can be nice to visit a grandparent or favorite aunt when life is starting to get to be too much.

Are you getting any counseling? If so, this would be a great thing to plan and practice with your counselor or therapist before trying it out on home.
posted by metahawk at 8:33 PM on October 12

My other thought is that you might find it helpful to be around people with disabilities who have or are trying to move towards a productive life of their own choosing. Maybe a disability rights group, or your local chapter of NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness or an Independent Living Center (they are about independence, far more than about just housing or living skills) or a peer support group for PTSD. You want to be around people who will encourage you to grow into the person you are capable of being - particularly as an antidote to those who are happy that you can just dress yourself.
posted by metahawk at 8:43 PM on October 12

Nthing at your question needs more detal.

Also, fuck them. Live your own life.
posted by beerbajay at 10:42 PM on October 12

I think if it were me I'd carefully and strategically the things you want to do into discrete steps and tackle them one by one over the course of a year or two. Little successes will make your parents feel better each time, and it will give you time to adjust to a life with more demands and stresses on you. You don't need to do all that stuff in one day. Taking a planned, one thing at a time, methodical approach will help both you and your parents.

As for their clinginess, I think it will wear off as you regain your foothold in the world.

You sound like you're in a good place. Good luck and have some fun!
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:58 AM on October 13