Crying Spells for Males

October 12, 2009 8:10 AM

I'm a 29 year old male and I have crying spells. Advice?

I don't really know who to see for this. A shrink?

But randomly I just break into tears from a sudden rush of depressing emotion coming from somewhere that lasts about 5 minutes. Is this a form on anxiety attack?

Common triggers are 'saved the day' moments while watching tv shows or anytime I get into an argument or heated discussion I have to walk away to a bathroom to 'let it out'.

In trying to describe the best way to explain how I feel, perhaps an uncontrollable feeling of empathy when observing certain situations in person or on tv, and/or being in a difficult situation myself, I have to excuse myself to cry it out.

I do have healthy romantic relationships, caring parents, great childhood, finishing my bachelors in college with a high GPA, and I work out 3-4 times a week. I have never been abused or anything like that. I do not take any medications.

I feel like most healthy males my age probably do not have this problem.

I'm thinking maybe my testosterone levels might be low? Could that be it?

So in conclusion:
1) Should I see a shrink?
2) Is this a form of anxiety attack?
3) Could it be a testosterone problem?

Thanks!

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (30 answers total)

If this doesn't impede your life in any way, it's not really a problem. Stop trying to conform to everyone else's ideas of how you ought to behave.
posted by Electrius at 8:29 AM on October 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

My only advice would be that yes, you should see a shrink/therapist if you want to, and should know there's no shame in it. At worst, you have to figure things out on your own still and are out a few dollars. At best, you get a handle on it. It's obviously bothering you enough to ask about it, so you might as well seek a professional opinion.
posted by CharlesV42 at 8:29 AM on October 12, 2009

It might be something you can't see because its you. Like a psychological blind spot. I'd see a shrink.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:30 AM on October 12, 2009

You know, it's probably better health-wise and psychologically than holding your emotions in and/or blocking them out.
posted by goethean at 8:33 AM on October 12, 2009

This happens to my husband. He has bipolar disorder and sometimes cycles very rapidly between feeling fine and having these sudden rushes of deep sadness. Even though he takes a variety of meds that otherwise keep the bipolar under fairly good control, these episodes still do occur from time to time.

It's strange for him and a bit embarrassing at times. We've come up with an explanation that he "has allergies" to explain why he's suddenly got tears streaming down his face. It seems to satisfy most people. (Understand, it's not that we're ashamed -- it's just that most times it's simpler to just give the "allergies" explanation.)
posted by rhartong at 8:34 AM on October 12, 2009

But randomly I just break into tears from a sudden rush of depressing emotion coming from somewhere that lasts about 5 minutes. Is this a form on anxiety attack?

Common triggers are 'saved the day' moments while watching tv shows or anytime I get into an argument or heated discussion I have to walk away to a bathroom to 'let it out'.

....I'm not a psychologist, but this sounds perfectly normal to me. You have something trigger strong emotions, and you express those emotions. Where's the problem?

The fact that you're male has nothing to do with this. If this is still something you're concerned about, by all means it can't heart to see a therapist -- however, I have a hunch that instead of your therapist addressing "I'm a guy who cries a lot," your therapist may address "I'm a guy and I feel like crying a lot is a problem".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:36 AM on October 12, 2009 [5 favorites]

I feel like most healthy males my age probably do not have this problem.

Speaking as a guy your age, I'd say most of us do more crying than you think. We hide it, is all.

I'm not against seeing a therapist over this. In fact, I think it would probably be a good idea. But in the meantime, I'd cut yourself some slack over it. It doesn't make you any less of a man.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:38 AM on October 12, 2009

I feel like most healthy males my age probably do not have this problem.

Most is a very big number.

I'm voting for perfectly normal. Perhaps it's just the way you've learned over time to handle situations where there is a lot of emotion involved. There must be some benefit to crying, otherwise we (as a species) wouldn't do it so much. There's no shame in it. I occasionally do it too. I cry every single time I see the look on the woman's face in The Fellowship Of the Ring, where she's in Edoras and her two kids appear. It's because I can empathise with the amount of relief she must be feeling at seeing her kids again. It doesn't make me a freak. It makes me human.

So, to directly answer your questions:

1] If you want to, or if it's getting in the way of everyday life. Those seem to be the two acid tests for seeking help from a therapist. I'm not a therapist, so take what I say with a pinch of salt. If it's a problem for you, then it's a problem. Do you ever burst into tears for no reason whatsoever? As in, you haven't just been in an argument or seen someone do something courageous? If not, I shouldn't worry too much.

2] Do you feel anxious? Is your pulse rate up? Is your breath short? Do you have tunnel vision? If not, it's probably not an anxiety attack.

3] Do you have any evidence to back this up with, such as a blood test performed by a qualified doctor? Or are you just correlating testosterone and emotional stoicism? It's extremely unlikely that low testosterone levels would cause this, I think. I think it's much more likely to be a healthy emotional response to a stimulus.
posted by Solomon at 8:49 AM on October 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am a woman, and I went through a period of time when this would happen to me - almost-random crying spells, with my office door closed or in the bathroom at work or over a telephone commercial. NPR's All Things Considered was doing a run of stories about soldiers that had recently died one week, and every day I'd have to pull over and cry before I could continue driving home. I don't know if I was depressed or what, but depression and anxiety issues do run in my family so it's a possibility.

I say I don't know because I never sought help for it. After about 6 months, I started getting more and better sleep and I got rid of some life stressors that may have been contributing, and I haven't had those crying jags since then.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - are you eating well (especially on days you work out)? Are you getting enough sleep? Are there big things going on that are making you stressed?

Also I think there's an aspect of finding what's "normal" for you. Maybe heightened emotionality is part of your "normal", or maybe it's a sign that something is off. Either way, I imagine that some form of therapy will help you work out which it is.
posted by muddgirl at 8:50 AM on October 12, 2009

While I'm not a guy, I have very similar triggers for crying. I don't think it's a red flag, but there's no reason not to talk to a therapist if it bothers you. I don't know, maybe it's something that you could deal with using some CBT to control your response.
posted by mercredi at 8:52 AM on October 12, 2009

Music does this to me sometimes. Not emotional music, random music. I'll be listening to a happy song and suddenly I'm almost crying along to the lyrics. Only happens maybe once a month at most, usually only a few times a year. The human brain is wired a little funny in places.
posted by Phyltre at 8:55 AM on October 12, 2009

Crying is your reaction to these rushes of depression, which is fine, but the bigger question is: How severe is this depression? Getting brutally depressed a few times a day is something you probably want to resolve. It's probably worth seeing a therapist if you can afford it.

If it's mild and bearable, then maybe you should ride it out.
posted by ignignokt at 8:59 AM on October 12, 2009

I think it is fine. Normal, in fact. If other parts of your life are not good, then look into it, but this on its own is normal human behavior.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:03 AM on October 12, 2009

Check out Roger Ebert's piece on how studies of "uplift" explain how empathy for good deeds can make you sob.
posted by johngoren at 9:03 AM on October 12, 2009 [3 favorites]

You sound pretty awesome, just for being a guy and admitting that the world touches you. I think crying is a perfectly normal response and probably a lot healthier than stuffing it away. But that said, therapy might be a great place to explore those emotions on a deeper level. I mean, therapy really rocks, sometimes especially when there's not something deeply wrong, but as a place to free up your stuff.
posted by Rocket26 at 9:12 AM on October 12, 2009

Middle-aged male here, and I'd put that right in the normal range. Maybe you are more sensitive than others, but I think men who never cry are abnormal.

I get those kinds of episodes too. I'll have a sudden thought, good or bad, that triggers a rush of emotion pretty much like you describe.

I think I'm pretty sensitive, too. Heck, I cry every time I see the Subaru Heaven commercial!
posted by The Deej at 9:18 AM on October 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Although your crying spells sound like they're in response to appropriate emotional triggers, could you perhaps be having problems with low blood sugar?
posted by sciencegeek at 9:20 AM on October 12, 2009

When this happens to me, I just feel grateful that someone is making such good TV shows.

I am a 31 year old white American male.

-
posted by General Tonic at 9:28 AM on October 12, 2009

I more or less see 1995 as my starting point for a long drawn out battle with major depression. The Oklahoma City bombing was in the news, and I was distraught over the images of the slain children. I cried in my car every day for weeks. It got a little better after awhile, but it was the start of something bad.

See a therapist. You don't know what you can't see sometimes - can't see the forest for the trees. A problem may be right in front of you, but you don't recognize it for what it is.

It may turn out to be nothing, too. Either way, you'd have a better handle on it.
posted by Xoebe at 9:40 AM on October 12, 2009

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. People just have different thresholds as far as how much emotion they need to feel before they actually start crying.
posted by delmoi at 9:45 AM on October 12, 2009

Well, perhaps if this is a new thing you might want to look into it. If you've always been this way I wouldn't worry too much.
posted by delmoi at 9:46 AM on October 12, 2009

I cry at movies, too, sometimes even schmaltzy ones engaging in cheap melodrama. I consider this a non-problem, and would encourage you to, too.

Not being able to finish a heated discussion in the workplace without having to walk off in the middle could pose problems, though. (One could consider this a problem in what's considered acceptable emotional expression in the workplace rather than a problem with an individual; we all have to figure out what are the things we want to change in ourselves to fit the world vs. what are the things we want to change in our worlds to fit ourselves. The former is generally easier... unless you're driving yourself insane trying.)

The right therapist might potentially help you learn better navigation of your emotions, so you have more choice in when and where your releases occur. But I'd suggest not considering your emotions a problem -- empathy is generally a good thing. Don't consider needing a release a problem -- that's normal, and crying is healthier than a lot of people's methods. Having some more choice in when/where/how you release -- might be a good thing.
posted by Zed at 9:48 AM on October 12, 2009

I feel like most healthy males my age probably do not have this problem.

I think most guys WOULD be more like you if they didn't have their emotions beaten out of them in grade school. What I mean is that many boys are raised to be tough, that showing your emotions is wrong, shows weakness, etc so they quickly learn not to do it. But showing anger or aggression is considered "manly" in the heat of an argument (if not socially acceptable in the workplace).

I think if anything, the fact that you cry at these things means that you're at a good place, because you're not suppressing your emotion or rerouting it into aggression.

If you just want to know how to stop crying in the moment, though, there are plenty of threads on that. (My recommendation: raise your eyebrows and look up at the ceiling. It seems to block the tear duct temporarily.)
posted by desjardins at 10:04 AM on October 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

You never indicated, or at least I never picked up on whether this is a new thing for you or if you have always been that way. If it is a recent occurrence you might want to get a check up to make sure you are not going through any hormonal changes that could be causing this. Otherwise you might want to try therapy just to discuss where this is coming from as it may be indicative of something deeper.

Also I do not feel it is a judgment on your character or perceived masculinity for good or bad that you cry freely, but to imply that I am somehow emotionally crippled or that the people I grew up around were abusive monsters just because the only time I cried in the last 10 years when when my dog was put to sleep is frankly offensive to me.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:19 AM on October 12, 2009

Well within the normal range. (The "normal range" is wiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.)

If this is new, you might want to see a GP first, but a good therapist will definitely help you evaluate it.
posted by haltingproblemsolved at 11:30 AM on October 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I had knee surgery with general anesthesia two weeks ago, and I've been crying at the drop of a hat ever since-- huge rushes of overwhelming emotion. I'm really hoping it resolves itself.

For me though, it's weird because it's different. If you've always been like that, it doesn't seem like it would be something to worry about.

Did you have anesthesia recently??
posted by hybridvigor at 1:10 PM on October 12, 2009

If it's new and sudden, then yeah, take a look at recent behavioral changes and possibly check in with a doctor.

If this is how you've been for a long time (and there's not a history of depression or whatever): then that's just how your brain works.

I cry at the drop of a hat, but I've gotten better at recognizing my triggers and whatnot and being able to excuse myself. Oh god, that Subaru Heaven commercial gets me every.single.time. Argh.
posted by sperose at 3:12 PM on October 12, 2009

I think the "most" who don't cry should be the ones seeing a therapist.
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:38 PM on October 12, 2009

I think the "most" who don't cry should be the ones seeing a therapist.

Can we stop this ridiculous generalizing about men who don't cry here? If crying all the time is supposedly OK, then so is not.
posted by wackybrit at 12:53 AM on October 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

Who's crying all the time?
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:12 PM on October 28, 2009