Love Has a Nasty Habit of Disappearing Overnight

October 10, 2009 3:50 PM

Is it possible to fall out of love overnight?

I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost a year now, the last six months long distance. We see each other about once a month, just for the weekend (we take turns driving to each other's cities, but she sometimes works on weekends, so it doesn't make sense to do it often), which has been pretty difficult, so we decided to set aside a big chunk of time - two weeks - to be together. Only at the end of the two weeks, over the last few days we were together, I suddenly lost all my attraction to her. Things that were cute before suddenly seemed annoying, I didn't want to sleep with her or even really touch her, and her "I love you"s made me feel panicked and guilty. It's like somebody flipped a switch. The first week was great, and then - bam. It's terrifying, the magnitude of the change and how quickly it happened. It makes me feel like I don't have any control over my emotions or myself.

We have talked about the future a lot, and up until a week ago, that future made me very happy. We have a lot in common, and have always been really great together. I've never been in love with anyone before, so I don't know whether this change in feelings is normal as you settle into a relationship. I don't want to break up if I can get the old feelings back, but I don't want to lead her on if I can't.

Advice?

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 comments total)

I forgot to add - I have been feeling pretty depressed recently (for reasons unrelated to my relationship) and have been having trouble finding enjoyment in social interactions especially and things in general. Maybe I am feeling this way about my girlfriend only because I'm depressed and when I'm better, I'll feel better about the relationship again.

(Also also, I started taking birth control to help clear up my acne about a month and a half ago, and the internet says that taking hormones can mess up feelings of attraction.)
posted by danceswithanonymity at 3:59 PM on October 10, 2009

Maybe you were just gassy.

Seriously, though, it can be hard transitioning from a long-distance thing to a more permanent "living together" situation. I know for you it was just two weeks but I remember when I finally moved in with my then-boyfriend, the whole "spending every minute together" thing made me feel really pressured and something like cabin-fever - I just wanted him to leave me alone! But since we were sort of stuck until the end of the lease we worked it out - I carved out some explicit "alone time" or "doing separate things" time and he worked on some of his need-for-attention issues so that he wasn't constantly bothering me while I was trying to recharge.

I think when you see her next month, after you've recharged, you might find that you feel "in love" with her again, which on one hand may be a sign that this is a good long distance thing but not a permanent thing, or it could simply be that you are set in a routine and transitioning out of the routine will take some thoughtful communication about your needs.
posted by muddgirl at 4:02 PM on October 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Two weeks together after an extended period of long distance relationship? While it's possible that maybe your rose coloured glasses are coming off, and maybe this isn't the relationship you thought it was, I think it's also just as likely (if not more so) that you're simply tired. Two weeks of hyped up "US TIME" is a long time for any couple. Most couples, even when they're living together, get lots of breaks from each other.

Relax, be good to yourself, and maybe ease up on the future talk for a bit--that kind of thing can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. Enjoy what you have now, and don't make rash decisions.

And don't do what I did not to long ago--break up over a rough weekend and get back together three days later when emotions have cooled and rational thinking and love have prevailed. Cause it's embarrassing to explain that to friends. :P
posted by stray at 4:06 PM on October 10, 2009 [5 favorites]

I think you have two things going on concurrently - certainly the depression you mention, which extends to your social interaction, and then, as said above, the transition from long-distance to "together 24/7".

Deal with the depression first, and see if that helps the relationship.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:08 PM on October 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

My (now ex) girlfriend and I were long distance for over a year when we went to Australia for a 2 week adventure. I loved her with everything I had. At the end of it I wanted to push her out of the plane somewhere over New Zealand. Seriously.

Let things just sit for a bit. See how you feel next time. My bet? It'll be fine.
posted by FlamingBore at 4:12 PM on October 10, 2009

The one time this happened to me, I found myself freaking out when a girlfriend was returning from several weeks away over the holidays. We'd only been together a few months, and I thought I was head-over-heels infatuated, but as I waited to pick her up from the airport I just didn't want to go get her, I didn't want to see her, and I broke up with her that night without entirely understanding why--I just had this very strong visceral reaction to her coming back after being away.

She was an alcoholic, and the stalker-ish and abusive behavior that emerged after I broke up with her confirmed the rightness of the breakup. At the time, I figured that the weeks apart had given my head a chance to clear from the hot-sex-all-the-time euphoria, and that on some not-quite-conscious level I had known what trouble she was, and my freakout about her return was my brain's way of telling me to run away. It was 100% the right decision.

That doesn't mean it will be for you--if you're depressed, or just worried about the change from long-distance to more togetherness, these feeling really may be something that passes. On the other hand, sometimes long-distance relationships allow you to overlook problems you would have to face if you were together more.

So, to answer your question: 1. yes it is possible to drop out of love suddenly for good reasons.

2. That doesn't necessarily mean that's what's happening to you.

3. I wouldn't ignore these feelings, but I wouldn't necessarily act on them right away either. Give yourself some time to deal with the depression.

4. Maybe 2 weeks solid is just too much. Do you just need some time to yourself? I always do, so even if I had two solid weeks with someone I didn't see enough in general, I would still need to take some time for myself during that 2 weeks.
posted by not that girl at 4:12 PM on October 10, 2009

Sounds like you've answered your own question with your added comment, danceswithanonymity.

Though, it's true that the things we think are cute about someone in the beginning can get annoying over time real love doesn't stop on a dime, I don't think.

But long distance relationships are very tricky. I had one for two years and when he moved to my city the relationship disintegrated. I guess distance can make the heart feel more than it can sustain in closer quarters sometimes.

Wouldn't be a bad idea to find someone (a counselor) to talk to about your feelings. Just don't break up until you get a handle on your depression and hormones first.
posted by ofelia at 4:13 PM on October 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

You know what, sometimes I feel that way about my husband of 20 years, (no, really - sometmies everything about him annoys me and I start writing anonymous askmes about whether I should leave hiim and everyone says DTMFA) and a week later, we're all good again, and I think, huh, Askmefites know NOTHING!
posted by b33j at 4:17 PM on October 10, 2009 [25 favorites]

I noticed in my relationships that if we talked about the future all the time it was because we really had nothing going for us in the present.
posted by VC Drake at 4:59 PM on October 10, 2009 [10 favorites]

I noticed in my relationships that if we talked about the future all the time it was because we really had nothing going for us in the present.

+1

But also, sleep on it for a little while.
posted by milinar at 5:03 PM on October 10, 2009

Having to share physical space with someone can get really, really obnoxious. I occasionally feel like this towards my excellent and quite lovable partner because I want him to get. the. hell. out. of. my. space. He's a lot more touchy than I am and I'm a little introverted. Either of those apply to you and her?

Yeah, birth control can kill the sex drive too.
posted by kathrineg at 5:07 PM on October 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I've noticed that when I am feeling depressed, I get that exact same feeling towards whoever I am around. I like them just fine, but the overstimulation makes me crazy to the point that them breathing annoys me. Usually this ends with a fight or breakup.

You might be feeling the "ick, get away" feeling because you really do hate them all of a sudden- or more likely, have been working up to it and didn't realize it until now.

But if you've been feeling the depression coming on, I would suggest sitting down with yourself and figuring out what's really annoying you.
posted by gjc at 5:36 PM on October 10, 2009

This happened to me. One day I woke up and it was completely gone. And this had been crazy love. We had gone long distance after being in the same place for a while and that's when it happened. At the time I was dumbfounded. I didn't see how that could be possible and I so didn't want for it to have happened. I never got it back. I even tried once I moved back home but there was nothing. Still a wonderful person, but nothing. It was only two years later when I learned that what I had had a name - depression - that I looked back and realized that's about when it had started. Yet after that, despite not loving her anymore, or at least thinking I didn't, I couldn't get her out of my head. It turned into this poison thing that took years to get past. And it never really healed, just scarred over. I think I did still love her, but the warped filter that is depression polluted it, and/or wouldn't let me feel anything good.

So I don't know what your situation is, but for this possibility and for many other reasons, address the depression. I like the idea of laying off the birth control if possible and seeing what happens. I don't know what the protocol is there if you just started. And if not that, try the more usual routes for depression. You talk about "when I'm feeling better" as though it's inevitable. In the chance that it's not, do something actively to address it. Good luck to you.
posted by kookoobirdz at 6:28 PM on October 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

If everything's been good up until very recently, *and* you just started taking hormonal birth control, I'd be inclined to stop the Pill and see how things go.

When I was on the Pill, it drained my libido down to nothing and made me suicidally depressed, without having a noticeable effect on my skin. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of research being done about it; Dr. Jayashri Kulkarni of Australia is one of the few studying it, and has found a strong link between hormonal contraception and depression. Given my own experience and what I've read about it, I've become strongly anti-hormonal contraception for anyone with depression or other mood disorder issues.

Try stopping the Pill, give it at least a month or so to clear out of your system, and see how you feel. It'd be a shame to end a happy relationship because the hormones have you all off-kilter.
posted by Lexica at 9:11 PM on October 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

I also agree you should try stopping the Pill and see if you feel better. It can really affect to whom you are attracted as well as your overall moods. For your acne could you try Retin-A or something else prescriptive? For me, that plus taking extra Vitamin A and beta carotene supplements helped.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 3:32 AM on October 11, 2009

Yeah, the Pill can be a real downer. I had to stop taking it because it made me psychotic.

It sounds like a lot of your "out of love" feelings can be chalked up to new living situation + crazy hormones. Let it rest for a bit. Everybody has feelings in a relationship like "ZOMG. YOU ARE NO LONGER MY SCHMOOPY." The people whose relationships last find a way to deal with these immediate feelings - if they persist, of course the relationship will end, but more likely than not it's just a "thing."

And yes, it IS possible to fall out of love overnight, but that doesn't feel to me like that's what's happened to you. It happened to me, and I tried to reconcile it and ultimately couldn't - but that was after a long, long period of gradual decline. Suddenly, everything that was wrong that I could cope with, I couldn't deal anymore.

Give yourself a break. And - if you can find another way to deal with your acne, the Pill is pretty harsh on your system overall. If you don't need it for birth control (and I'm gathering that this is a monogamous lesbian relationship we're talking about here, so I don't think I'm too offbase in assuming your girlfriend doesn't have sperm), I would really, really, REALLY recommend that you find something else. The hormonal effects of the Pill wreak havoc on your whole system. If you have *any* tendencies whatsoever towards being depressed, the Pill will bring those out. Also: yeah, it can also lower your sex drive, and who wants that?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:23 AM on October 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've been with my partner for 5 years now and this happens occasionally. Two things usually trigger it: my need for time alone, after which I am happy to invite him back into my space; and hormonal ups and downs (which hormonal birth control can exaggerate, especially when you first start taking it). Depression also makes me grumpy and less tolerant of other people.

The old shmoopy feelings come back when I've had my introvert time and I'm not PMSing anymore. :)

I might not stop taking the pill right away, as it may just need a few months for your body to get used to it. Definitely keep an eye on it though, and consider other options if it continues to impact your life negatively, especially with depression. It may also be that you are more sensitive to that kind of pill. Many women find that certain kinds wreak havoc on their system and other kinds work very well for them.
posted by heatherann at 8:37 AM on October 11, 2009

after two weeks of constant contact with my fiance, i would need a break, too. and sure, those feelings could all crystallize overnight, although probably you have had them for a while and just not recognized it. it's possible that your relationship changed over the past six months, and those feelings slowly accumulated. people wake up with huge insights into their lives all the time. that could very well be what happened.

but, birth control can be a very big factor in depression, libido, and attraction. i learned this the hard way. it can take a few months for your hormones to settle, but after that, if you have noticed you just aren't feeling the way you want, you should stop taking them and maybe see a dermatologist for your skin instead.

also, relationships are not a steady state of intimacy. it's normal to drift apart occasionally (i think), especially if you are in different cities or have a lot going on, and then come back together again and reconnect. the question is whether you can accept that as part of your relationship landscape or not.

and then, also, maybe the relationship has run its course. this too, happens.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:55 AM on October 11, 2009