Judgemental kids in restaurant; Confront?

October 10, 2009 1:49 PM

How to deal with a rude table next to you at a restaurant?

I was at a hookah bar/Mediterranean food restaurant with some friends. When we get seated I instantly start hearing commentary and criticism about what we are currently doing coming from the table to my right.

This trash talking was off and on, but mostly escalated into "...they must be bipolar...", thinly-veiled laughing at a trip on the stairs, and overall trash talking. They must have thought they were in a little bubble of their own or just being outright rude. What's amazing is the fact that more than half of their conversations were criticizing me or my friends usually followed by how great they were. I already have self esteem issues/social anxiety and don't need this garbage.

Also, I know I'm prone to making connections where there are none. The way I was seated made it easy to hear and clearly coincided with, for example, smoking the correct way (which was obviously new to these idiots) or shaking a bit from the cold (we were outside). Perfectly human actions were being twisted into near insults! Do people really just sit around and talk trash like this about others? Incredible.

How could I gracefully handle judgmental as*holes like this? My first instinct was to go up to their table and call them out, but I decided against causing a scene (and regret it, actually).

posted by Jbgohlke to human relations (32 comments total)

Ask for another table.
posted by dzaz at 1:53 PM on October 10 [4 favorites]

Wow, that is awful. I would have asked for a new table, far away from those folks. If not, the best thing is to ignore it, people can say what ever they want, it is up to you how you react. If they were very loud, you could mention it to the management and ask them to talk to the offending party.
posted by fifilaru at 1:56 PM on October 10

Does this happen to you often, or is this the first time? Because it's pretty unusual for people to be this rude unless they are heroically, impossibly drunk. And even this it's pretty goddamn rare. I have in heard commentary from adjoining tables regarding me or my party maybe, like, twice in my life. And nothing at all similar to your experience. I'm not saying that you're making this up, but I am saying that this is like a once-in-a-decade thing. Maybe not even that much. And given that you say you're "prone to making connections where there are none," I'm suspicious.

So listen: you handled it gracefully by ignoring it, because if it's all true and accurate, those people are small and sad and pointless and you have another ten years before it happens again. Fuck 'em. So relax.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:57 PM on October 10 [3 favorites]

Actually this is the first time I've ever encountered this Optimus. I was suspicious myself at the beginning, but when it happens throughout my meal it's no longer a question. My ear was directed right into their table and it was actually very hard to ignore!

I'm counting on those ten years ;)
posted by Jbgohlke at 2:08 PM on October 10

Yeah, you ignore it if you can and ask for another table if you can't.

But in order to ask for another table, don't just wave your waiter over and ask him. Walk over to the maitre d' or find your server near the kitchen so you can have the conversation in private. Otherwise you are just escalating the drama by letting the other table hear your complaint.

I'm also with OC in thinking this is some pretty freaking bizarre behavior from another table. I am trying to imagine what I could see/hear happen at another table in order to conclude "they must be bipolar", and I am coming up blank.
posted by rokusan at 2:08 PM on October 10

I have to tell you, I was in a somewhat similar situation once, and I was lucky enough to be with that one friend (who we all have in our group of friends) who is loud and does not give a fuck about making a scene. She stood up, confronted the offending table, and quite loudly announced they were being ridiculously rude. She suggested, loudly, that if they had a real problem with the people at our table that perhaps they should head to a different establishment where "cooler" people were hanging out. The people at the offending table were absolutely floored, speechless, turned red, etc. The entire restaurant watched it unfold. The table left, the restaurant applauded as they left, and we enjoyed a great meal. It was priceless.
posted by AlliKat75 at 2:12 PM on October 10 [40 favorites]

I would have wanted to throw things at their table followed by overly dramatic, disingenuous apologies. Things like plates and beer bottles. But I am immature.

Someone in my party would hopefully have calmed me down before it got to that, so I would've instead gone over there and asked them why they were being raging dicks.

I think that kind of behavior needs to be confronted, because it's not ok. You'll be doing your fellow patrons a favor.

On preview, yeah, what Alli said.
posted by danny the boy at 2:18 PM on October 10

I agree with AlliKat. That is what I would have done. But I figured if you were the type to do that, it you would not have posted the question.
posted by fifilaru at 2:19 PM on October 10

Ignore them as they are feckless little shits and they don't deserve your energy.
posted by Gravitus at 2:19 PM on October 10 [2 favorites]

I disagree with asking for another table. You say you have self-esteem and anxiety issues. Learning to stand up for yourself helps these immensely. You can walk over to their table and ask if there is a problem. The more confident you appear, the more likely they are to back down.

Obviously you should not do this if you anticipate physical violence.
posted by desjardins at 2:20 PM on October 10 [3 favorites]

Because as a certain cartoon cat once said, no one should be a cock to a stranger, ever.
posted by danny the boy at 2:22 PM on October 10

You front them hard, "do have a problem with us?" "You can always find another table, we're here and are only going to upset you more."

If you get summon a waiter or host its to ask that THEY be moved.
posted by Max Power at 2:28 PM on October 10

AlliKat, that's awesome!

Desjardins, I agree with you there. I'll try this in the future.

There are some great answers in this thread, thanks.
posted by Jbgohlke at 2:37 PM on October 10

What I do in this kind of situation, where you can hear people talking about you and they're being loud enough to hear, is I lecture them on how to *really* talk about people behind their backs.

"No, no, no! You're doing it wrong. I shouldn't be able to hear what you're *saying*, only that you're saying something. You're being way too obvious, it's like grade 3 in here. I'm going to sit back down over there, so you can try again."
posted by Dipsomaniac at 2:41 PM on October 10 [12 favorites]

"Hey guys, having fun? Yeah, see, we're trying to have fun, too. We really couldn't care less what you have to say about us, but whatever it is, could you please hold it down? Because no one in this place is enjoying listening to you. You guys have a great night! And if you feel the need to tell us something, drop by our table and say it to our face, if it's that important to you, OK?"

This works best when said with a smile. A cold, thin smile.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:52 PM on October 10

"No, no, no! You're doing it wrong. I shouldn't be able to hear what you're *saying*, only that you're saying something. You're being way too obvious, it's like grade 3 in here. I'm going to sit back down over there, so you can try again."

These sorts of things always sound a lot better in writing than in practice.

I agree with those who say to just be direct, but I wouldn't get into what they think of you. Just (confidently, with a big smile) ask them to keep it down. I also don't think it's weak to ask for another table. People who are enjoying their lives just want to be away from the losers; they don't care who does the moving.
posted by mpls2 at 3:02 PM on October 10 [2 favorites]

Perfectly human actions were being twisted into near insults! Do people really just sit around and talk trash like this about others? Incredible.

People hang out with people like themselves. So a table of douchebags is not at all surprising. Of course, it is their numbers that makes them bold, and if confronted, they're likely to be humiliated, provided it's direct and straightforward. That is, something half-joking or said from the table won't work, but the type of confident approach by a single person (as described by allicat) will. And of course, if you don't have a single person with that kind of confidence, you can all stand up en masse, walk up to their table between their chairs, and each make eye contact with the person opposite while one asks the "do you have a problem with us that you'd like to say to our faces" question.
posted by davejay at 3:57 PM on October 10

What's worked best for me with bullies? A cold, dead stare.

Saying a word ruins it. Simply turn, look straight at them, hard, and say not a word. Do not look away. Do not drop your eyes. Stare.

Let it get uncomfortable. Let it go on way too long.

If they ask and you must respond, something along the lines of "You seemed to be trying to get my attention. Now you have it. Please proceed."

It's not confrontational, and makes your point clearly.
posted by mazienh at 3:59 PM on October 10 [15 favorites]

When people are weird at me in bars, I buy them a drink just to confuse them. I don't talk to them, I just ask the bartender or waitress. If they'll let me, I pick a drink that is an acquired taste, like, oh, give the people over there a Car Bomb. Unsettling but sorta friendly.

And, you know, if they're not trying to be weird or aggressive I don't really want to try to start shit.
posted by kathrineg at 4:18 PM on October 10

I was lucky enough to be with that one friend ... who is loud and does not give a fuck about making a scene.

This will work, but keep in mind that it will only work for a woman.

If a woman stands up and makes a scene, she's brassy. You go girl!

But if a man stands up and starts berating patrons at a nearby table, for whatever reason, no matter how valid, it's an aggressive attack that warrants an immediate defensive response.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:11 PM on October 10 [7 favorites]

Depends on what you mean by gracefully. You can really put them in their place by walking over and sitting at their table, and simply asking them to repeat what they said to your face. If they don't immediately start apologizing and do in fact repeat it, you'd be in your right to throw water in the face of whoever said it.

An alternative would be to "walk to the bathroom" but then go speak to the maitre d' and explain the situation and warn him you're about two seconds from just walking out of the restaurant. I assure you if the restaurant is high-end enough, he will be able to handle it with an amazing amount of class (its what he's paid for) and you can be assured you will get something for your troubles from the restaurant.
posted by Elminster24 at 7:00 PM on October 10 [1 favorite]

A restaurant is tasked with making its guests comfortable. Complain to the manager.
posted by theora55 at 7:40 PM on October 10

Another vote for talking to the management out of eyeshot/earshot. Had something similar happen once -- one of our party confronted the other party, and the other party proceeded to pointedly wait for us outside the establishment. We ended up having to ask management to call the police to get them to leave the parking lot.
posted by gnomeloaf at 9:31 PM on October 10

As Buffy said to Dracula, "I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE."
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:57 PM on October 10

If they were really as bad as you described, there's no guarantee that they would have reacted the way that the other party did in Alli's (wicked) story. I guess you'd have to judge from their comments and/or some guilty profiling as to whether they'd get aggressive back at you (as in gnomeloaf's experience), but you always risk just getting laughed at when you stand up to douchebags of this calibre. So, in 10 years when it happens again, unless you've got killer delivery by then, I'd go with the cold stare, followed by asking to be reseated (and giving the reason).
posted by Beardman at 10:20 PM on October 10 [1 favorite]

You're already on their radar, and you know they're douchebags. Here's your opportunity to spin completely implausible, bizarre, meandering, and somewhat dangerous sounding stories to an audience of idiots! Try to work in phrases such as "well, the eyeball was intact, but the rest of the head..." or "yes, it's technically cow manure, but there's a fermentation and flavoring process that makes it acceptable for human consumption".
posted by Benjy at 11:30 PM on October 10 [2 favorites]

The classy thing to do is to send them a round of drinks, smile, and look at them while toasting their health. If they're still dirt bags, you get up, walk over and make sure they see you make motions in your front pocket, like your easing something wicked out of its pocket holster. You smile, and ask them politely to change the subject. If they're still rowdy enough to call you out, you either turn to the management for support, or you back your play, or you back down and put it up with it to eat your meal, or you leave. There aren't any other courses of action.

In more than 4 decades of frequently eating out, I've only bought about 5 rounds for obnoxious tables, so I think OC's "once per decade" is about right, for this kind of thing. But I have to tell you, I have had these things come to blows twice. Drunks and passive aggressive idiots will be boys, sometimes, don't you know?
posted by paulsc at 11:57 PM on October 10 [1 favorite]

Read a bunch of Winston Churchill and Dorothy Parker quotes. Absorb the style. Use liberally.

Or just pick one person at the table and stare at him/her unremittingly. (Scrolling back, I see mazienh already nailed that one.)
posted by paultopia at 4:31 AM on October 11

As someone that spent many years working in restaurants and observing this sort of situation more than you would believe, your first course of action should be to alert the manager. It is their responsibility to make sure that harassment does not occur, ESPECIALLY if alcohol is involved. I have seen many fights in nice family restaurants over the stupidest things. I even saw a man shatter a wine glass in another mans face over a comment. The management should move you or remove the offending people, even if it means involving the police.
posted by trishthedish at 8:36 AM on October 11 [1 favorite]

She stood up, confronted the offending table, and quite loudly announced they were being ridiculously rude. She suggested, loudly, that if they had a real problem with the people at our table that perhaps they should head to a different establishment where "cooler" people were hanging out.

So I just got back to this thread and frankly there's a lot of really fuckin' dangerous advice being given. If the offenders are as bad as claimed, any of these weird little passive-aggressive (and also just plain aggressive) moves are only going to provoke further action from the other party. In particular, walking over and confronting them directly . . . well, if you think you can hold your own in a brawl, go ahead, I guess, but it's probably the worst idea in this thread. Have you ever been in a fight? Do you remember how they end? In the best case scenario you win: your clothes are fucked up, the night's ruined, and you can face civil and criminal charges. In the worst case scenario you wind up dead. It happens all the time, even when there are no weapons involved.

Alternately, speak to the manager about moving tables or booting the offending party and enjoy the rest of your night. I know which one I'd pick.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:43 AM on October 11

I like Benjy's idea since you know that they're listening to your conversation for whatever bizarre reasons. Next time, should this ever happen again, wink at your dining partner and launch into some tall tale involving your parole officer and ending with, "so yeah, now I'm never allowed back into Kansas". Be creative.

If you are lucky, your friend will egg you on with something like, "oh, wow, I always wondered how you lost that finger..."
posted by amicamentis at 4:16 PM on October 11

I found the camera function on my cell phone incredibly useful the one time I ran into this situation.

Was out with a couple of people, one of whom is mentally disabled. Some teens started making wiseass remarks about the disabled person that was with us. Ignoring didn't seem to work, so after a few more minutes I grabbed my cell phone, opened it up, and made as if I was recording video of them. They all grew very quiet, and I heard one young man whisper, "Dude, she's taking our picture".

I closed my cell phone, gave them a big bright smile, then turned to one of my companions. "You know what I found out the other day?" I said, as loudly as decorum would permit. "I found out that I can upload video direct from my phone to YouTube! And then I can send the link out on Twitter after that!"

Utter silence from the next table for about five seconds. Then the teens picked up their things and left. Quickly.

Haven't had to try this with adults yet. But I imagine I might obtain similar results.
posted by magstheaxe at 9:44 PM on October 11 [1 favorite]