Dont have feeling for the girl im seeing - but she is nice. What do i do?
October 9, 2009 9:43 AM Subscribe
Dont love the new girl I'm seeing........ I dont want to hurt anyone - but dont want to lose her either... Can i fall in love months later? or is it always love or chemistry at first sight?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (32 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
My girlfriend left me for another man about 5 months ago. The relationship was the most important of my life and we were talking about getting married. At the time, I believed she was the love of my life. Ultimately I learned that she had another boyfriend for the entirety of our relationship. This created a situation where for 4 years I had half of someone and spent a great deal of time alone and waiting to have the rest and not understanding why things were as they were. My pleads for normality were turned back on me in the form of guilt from this person. I could easily write a book about the experience as everyone who is familiar with it believes it is the most incredible thing they have ever heard. The level of deceit and the level guilt I was made to feel is without precedent in my life. It also cost me my job, the place I once lived, many of the things I had worked very hard for – was in general life altering. My therapist who followed the story from the mid point believes this person is without a doubt a narcissist and possibly a sociopath.
I am in the process of trying to move on now. I find spending time by myself to be very difficult and it’s a constant battle with myself, when alone, to not call my ex. I don’t always succeed but im getting better. Honestly, I still have feelings for her which I know is crazy considering and I know that I can never act on them, however I still think is understandable given some of what we once had. I tell my friends, im not a machine, I just cant hit a switch and make these go away. Anyway the process is not easy.
To help me move on I started seeing new people about 2 months ago. It helped as I spent less time alone, which is when I think most about my previous ordeal and my ex. It also felt a bit emotionally draining. I was having a date or 2 a week with a new person each time... Not really my thing but my thought was to do all my homework in the beginning so as to make a good choice. It got to be a bit soul destroying because I felt like I was interviewing for my next girlfriend and being interviewed… Not really what you need when you're healing a broken heart. After a couple of weeks of this I decided to invest a little more in one person.
I am now dating only one girl. I liked her the best, and on paper she is nearly perfect but to be honest I don’t feel the chemistry. I am happy when I’m with her, she is nice, smart, pretty, we have fun together, but the chemistry just isn’t there, or isn’t there yet. Also, when it comes to the physical aspect I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Its sex, not love.
I have 2 questions – This new person wants to be serious. I think she is beginning to really care about me. I’m pretty sure now that either because of my lingering thoughts of my ex or because there just may never be chemistry, that this relationship doesn’t have long term potential. This is not fair to this new person. At the same time being alone is the hardest thing for me and right now I really need a hand to hold at night and a woman to talk to. I don’t want to hurt anyone – but I feel for the first time in my life that after what happened to me – I have no choice but to be selfish this one time. For my health. Any ideas how I can let everyone get what they want? Im pretty sure if I tell her about my feelings she will walk away and im not sure im ready for that or if Im right that the chemistry wont come.
My second question is the million dollar question – Its about love – I have had 3 serious relationships in my life. The first was in high school and I knew this person for a long time before we began our relationship. We were friends first (Admittedly, I was a little infatuated with her from the beginning) and fell in love. My second 2 relationships were love at first sight. I met them, and knew immediately that I wanted more from these people. There’s that feeling you get from minute 1 - that anyone who has been in this situation before knows and can’t describe… My recent ex falls into this camp.
Dating is new to me. I feel like it’s very contrived.. It’s like you pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend in hopes that you actually feel boyfriend and girlfriend. Will this happen? I think what im asking is , is it possible to fall in love with someone months after being with them? Or should I just have feelings from day one?