"Like Rolf and Liesl, minus the Nazism!"

October 8, 2009 9:20 AM

What do you wish your first relationship had been like?

Or, if it was perfect, tell me why.

I suddenly find myself on the more experienced side of the couple coin and I'm not really sure what to do here. How can I make sure that he'll look back on me fondly instead of in therapy?

posted by Gotham to human relations (28 comments total)

I suggest that you not sleep with his best friend. That's what happened to me. Seriously, though, you're not in charge of how he experiences your relationship. Just be a kind, supportive, thoughtful person.
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:25 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]

Firstly (in the sense of priorities) be a friend.
posted by KMH at 9:29 AM on October 8

I'm with runningwithscissors, don't make out with some other dude in the middle of a party and treat him with respect. The kind of respect that causes you to reflect on why you are already looking forward to an inevitable breakup.
posted by rhizome at 9:35 AM on October 8

Secondly, don't be his mother (or father).
posted by emilyw at 9:38 AM on October 8 [4 favorites]

Be self-aware and be absolutely up front and honest about your needs/expectations before you lose all respect for him not meeting your needs/expectations.
posted by Wong Fei-hung at 9:40 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]

Of all the horrible things my first really serious boyfriend did, the worst (worse even than the lies and cheating, etc) were his constant reminders that he was more experienced than I, that he would probably break my heart some day, and that I should just deal with it when it happens. So, stop thinking about your experience versus his. This is a new relationship for both of you. And why are you already preparing for the end of it? What are you afraid you're going to do? Don't do that, whatever it is. You do have self control. My ex liked to say he didn't. I think it made him feel better if he convinced himself he was helpless.
posted by katillathehun at 9:44 AM on October 8 [4 favorites]

You have given us very little to work with and asked a pretty open-ended question.
I will look at the tea-leaves/plate of beans and make a few well-intentioned, well-meant unfounded statements.

I would agree with the others in saying be a friend and treat them with respect. I would add 'be yourself and act naturally'.

I am almost certainly going to sound unfair here but there seems to be an assumption in your question that the relationship is going to end. There is also possibly the implication that you will break this persons heart and they are in danger of needing therapy. I would suggest you stop thinking like that. Its as if (and please correct me if I am wrong) you assume cos you are more experienced that you will be the one pulling the trigger.

Don't have time right now to elaborate but theres my 2 cents!
posted by therubettes at 9:46 AM on October 8

Open communication is key. It took me many relationships to figure out that consciously not playing games made for a much better relationship. Once I learned that lesson I had a conversation with people I dated that went something like, "I hate game-playing--if something is wrong then tell me and I will tell you if I'm upset about something. That way, neither of us have to worry or use our imaginations to figure out what we're doing wrong and it makes it a lot easier to make sure we're good to each other."

And then back it up. If you're upset about something, tell him. If you notice he's being moody or passive aggressive, be straight with him. "You're doing X it makes me feel like Y, what's going on and how can we make it better?" If he's used to game playing in relationships (with family & friends etc.) You may need to poke him and teach him how to do this, but it will be an amazing gift that you give him.

I really respect that you're thinking these things through. I think that's a great first step!
posted by Kimberly at 9:47 AM on October 8 [4 favorites]

How can I make sure that he'll look back on me fondly instead of in therapy?

Date him for who he is and quit worrying about being the caretaker of his memories. That attitude could morph into being patronizing and condescending and hurt the relationship. Just be, enjoy him for who he is.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:56 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]

To follow Kimberly's thinking, the relationship I'm in now is the first where I've been able to voice some hard-to-hear truths, without fear of a fight or other ridiculous consequence. And I've also learned I can be my schmoopy self around (and leave goofy notes or whatever), because being vulnerable with him is okay, and I don't need a wall of defense with him.

I wish I would have learned this, oh, 10 years ago, so maybe these are good things to keep in mind as you enter into a relationship with your new guy.
posted by runningwithscissors at 10:00 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]

This is sort of a weird question. Are you already assuming you are going to break up? Or are you planning to break up?

If not, this is a general, "How do I be a great girlfriend" question which basically comes down to "don't be a dick."

If you're planning to break up and this is their first relationship, be quick, be non judgmental, and don't let the break up linger.
posted by like_neon at 10:09 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]

Lots of baggage is carried from one relationship to another. Bad sexual imprinting is one of the heaviest. I wish my first boyfriend had been a better lover. He was truly, truly awful. Somehow he managed to teach me that sex was awkward, dirty, messy, boring, embarrassing, and an unpleasant duty to be avoided as much as possible. Wow...that was a fun 5 years!
It is now pretty easy to determine if sex is good or bad without actual practical experience. I say: don't put up with bad sex. Make it better together, or get the hell out of the relationship.
posted by Pennyblack at 10:11 AM on October 8

What do you wish your first relationship had been like?

Shorter.

(I'm referring to the relationship, and not to the person with whom I had that relationship. Her height was not an issue.)
posted by The World Famous at 10:21 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]

Sorry if I suggested any undue focus on the break-up; that's actually the farthest thing from my mind right now. It's just that my first boyfriend, while generally well-intentioned, had no idea how to handle a newbie. The whole relationship was characterized by intense, painful awkwardness, among many, many other things. I really want this (incredibly sweet, charming) kid's first experience to be a good one, because he deserves it. I just have no idea how to make that happen.

Thanks for all the advice so far.
posted by Gotham at 10:34 AM on October 8

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I'm not suggesting breaking up. I'm suggesting not doing things that will be likely to create an emotional dependency and prolong what should probably not be a "permanent" or long-term relationship. My first relationship was way too long.
posted by The World Famous at 10:36 AM on October 8

I was going to say "introduce him to his perineum" but since you're both blokes I'm sure you'll have that one covered.

And nthing the "don't worry too much about how he remembers you" thing. He's your partner, not your kid. Enjoy him and let him know that you do. I think a big part of first relationships is learning how to be romantically affectionate, so be the best example for that you can.
posted by teraspawn at 10:45 AM on October 8

My first relationship ended up pretty bad and I'm grateful for it. I learned that honesty was the most important thing because my ex ended up being one of the least honest people I've ever met, and I'm not sure I would have learned that lesson so soon otherwise because I was a bit sensitive. If I hadn't appreciated honesty, I would not have appreciated my husband, whom I started dating months after the break-up. I wouldn't have changed anything about that first relationship because although it was horrible, it was formative.

Imperfect relationships are how we learn. Don't overthink this, imo. If you don't do anything malicious or contemptuous I doubt they'll end up in therapy solely because of you.
posted by Nattie at 11:07 AM on October 8

I'm at work right now, otherwise I'd look it up for you, but I'd suggest googling Dan Savage + campsite rule. i.e., leave him in better condition than you found him.
posted by soleiluna at 11:20 AM on October 8

I wish I had loosened up and not bean-plated it all the time. That pretty much ruined what we should have been doing: being young, virile people enthusiastically in love. But you can't really help if he's like that.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:52 AM on October 8

Make sure he maintains friends and hobbies separate from you...it's so much healthier that way
posted by bananafish at 1:40 PM on October 8

I wish, in all honesty, I never met him. For me it sent me into the habit of dating people I never was really into yet was missing that "thing" that it takes to quit a pointless relationship. And ever since him, I stayed in relationships that were all wrong for me, knew they were wrong, wanted to move on, yet never broke up. Said I wanted out, yet never did the final action to get out of it. Instead they broke up with me.
posted by stormpooper at 2:07 PM on October 8

If the two of you happen to break up, don't start dating his roommate.
posted by Sreiny at 4:41 PM on October 8

Gotham: " I really want this (incredibly sweet, charming) kid's first experience to be a good one, because he deserves it."

As someone who was the younger half of the relationship, please don't call him 'kid.' That is condescending as all get out or was to me. Don't continually bring up that you're older, wiser, more experienced etc etc. Nobody wants to feel like they're being trained.
posted by CwgrlUp at 4:52 PM on October 8 [1 favorite]

At first I was going to say "shorter," to second The World Famous, but I might not have learned how to stand up for myself as soon as I did.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:43 PM on October 8

Just be cool, calm, collected -- go with the flow. I've dated two guys where I was their first girlfriend. They were complete opposites. The first one (which was also my first) kept trying to buy my love in every stereotypical way possible (clothes, movie tickets, dinner, etc.) and rushed us into what little physical lengths our relationship ever went to. He thought my "No, really, please don'ts," were "Awwhh you shouldn't haves!" He's a good guy at heart, but gahh -- overwhelming and annoying.

The other just sat around and waited for me to make the moves. He never did anything sweet (okay, that's fine, whatever), but the one time he bought me something it was his mother who had actually gone out and gotten me some obligatory earrings that end up making my ears swell every time I wear them (even to this day, but I can't get myself to throw them out). I did not wear jewelry back then, and he knew this.

I doubt either of them were bad boyfriends once they got some experience under their belts and they both currently have girlfriends (thanks Facebook!) that they seem to be very happy with, and which I'm happy for.

Honestly though, I'm still just waiting for the guy that comes along and picks me up after work to go chill with him and his guys at the bar once a week while we watch the game, but makes sure that I'm doing alright every few hours/if I'm getting tired and if we should go out for ice cream before going home/dropping me off; a best friend. At the end of the day, that's what you're looking for in a companion anyway, right? Good luck!

Also, I love the campground analogy.
posted by june made him a gemini at 7:45 PM on October 8

More sex.
posted by craven_morhead at 9:32 AM on October 9

Don't use him as an emotional prop while in a difficult situation and then dump him for the first pretty boy to come along once you're out of said situation.
posted by Caduceus at 12:21 PM on October 9

Not that you should be thinking about breaking up now, but since you asked the worse thing that happened in my first "relationship" (which to me is different from the dating that I did as a late teen) is that we just stayed together far too long. As a still single 40 something, I still wonder if I missed out on meeting someone with whom I could have made a life long commitment by being tied up in a good, but not great, relationship for most of my 20s.

If you live in an expensive city, don't move in together too soon just because you can find a much nicer 1 bedroom apartment, cheaper than anything that you could get on your own or even with roommates. Even if you love each other and get along, make sure that is the main reason you're considering the move. This is what happened to me and I know a couple of other people who did the same thing in their 20s. Unless you are both financially solvent, it makes it a lot harder to get out, especially if things are OK, but not great. Looking back, I'd say that if I hadn't lived with my ex, the relationship probably would have died a natural death in 2 years, rather than limping on for almost 7 years.

I know that I am putting the cart before the horse as it doesn't sound like you're even considering living together at this point, but you asked what we'd change about first relationship experiences and that's my major thing. I guess the take away for you is perhaps understanding that two good people who love each other can sometimes still not be right for each other long term and that's OK. In the meantime, just enjoy your relationship, don't be afraid to be a little vulnerable, and treat each other with respect.
posted by kaybdc at 7:19 PM on October 10