I was the other women with my ex. What now?

October 7, 2009 10:50 PM

I slept with my ex. He has a new girlfriend. Now what?

We have been broken up for almost five months and on a weekend trip to retrieve some stuff from the house that we'd shared, we had sex. He initiated it. I asked if he was sure that he wanted to do it, he said "This is probably a bad idea." and continued anyway.

He's been seeing this other girl since the week after we broke up. I left him due to an incident where he lied to me about talking with his ex (the one before me) about getting back together. I found that I couldn't trust him and this most recent incident has only served to reinforce that. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

My question is this: should I make his new girlfriend aware of what happened or just leave things be? He and I are trying to be pretty good friends, I just don't want to have a relationship with someone that I can't trust. If I tell the new girl what happened, I assume that I'll lose the friendship. Would it be worth it? I know what I did was wrong and I feel bad about it, but at the same time... this seems to be his M.O. and I do feel strangely better for having confirmed it. I'm just uncertain if I should clue the new girl in or just ignore it and let her figure out what kind of guy he is on her own.

posted by anonymous to human relations (52 comments total)

Do you want a friendship with someone you can't trust? I sure don't.

Tell her. She deserves to know, and to get tested for STDs once she does.
posted by dunkadunc at 10:53 PM on October 7

She's just going to see you as the jealous ex. If you tell her, be prepared for some blowback.
posted by Solomon at 10:54 PM on October 7

To put it bluntly, you are probably subconsciously trying to break them up.

I think you should not mention what has happened to the new girlfriend.
posted by neworder7 at 10:54 PM on October 7 [3 favorites]

You will very likely not be thanked by the new girlfriend for your information. Ask yourself this, if his ex had shown up early in your relationship with him and told you the same thing, how would you have reacted? Why are you even trying to be friends with this guy? He sounds like a bit of a creep.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:56 PM on October 7 [1 favorite]

Congratulation, you're now in the perfect position to screw up his new relationship. That's what you wanted all along, right? Tell her if you must, but don't pretend you're taking the high road. You're merely justifying your vindictive behavior.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:59 PM on October 7 [26 favorites]

First: no. You slept with him. Telling his current girlfriend won't make you feel better about it, and their relationship is none of your business at all.

Second, quoting your post back to you: "I found that I couldn't trust him and this most recent incident has only served to reinforce that. Once a cheater, always a cheater." and "...I just don't want to have a relationship with someone that I can't trust." Those two things are mutually exclusive. Either get over that he's not trustworthy and put it behind you, including his new relationship, or put the whole thing behind you and actually end the relationship.
posted by pkingdesign at 11:02 PM on October 7

Imagine what the person you admire most in the world would do.

Now do that.
posted by scody at 11:04 PM on October 7 [28 favorites]

You should tell her, do to the risk of STDs is he is prone to sleeping around, but it isn't going to be pretty. You're likely going to crush his new girlfriend, if she believes you, and I wouldn't count on being friends with either of them anymore.

However, she needs the information to take the necessary precautions for her own safety and health.
posted by biochemist at 11:04 PM on October 7

Friendship isn't gonna work out. Cut ties and move on. Life's too short for this kind of drama.
posted by milinar at 11:06 PM on October 7 [9 favorites]

Don't say anything to new girl: you'll just come off as crazy-ex.

He and I are trying to be pretty good friends, I just don't want to have a relationship with someone that I can't trust.

But you knew you couldn't trust him once (when he cheated on you), and just confirmed it (when he cheated on new girlfriend WITH you), right? Doesn't sound like pretty good friends to me. Sounds like you are being used.

I'm just uncertain if I should clue the new girl in or just ignore it and let her figure out what kind of guy he is on her own.

Ignore it, let her figure it out and, BTW, ignore him. You don't need to be in his little drama.

Hooray! You're free. Go have a good life!
posted by sfkiddo at 11:09 PM on October 7 [2 favorites]

Don't do it again.
posted by chillmost at 11:21 PM on October 7 [2 favorites]

Eh, sex isn't that big of a deal.

Re the trust thing, I think that if you're understanding and aren't prone to drama, people tend to feel comfortable telling you the truth. If you flip out easily, most people will lie to you in certain difficult situations to avoid that.

So if you want people to be honest with you, be able to be compassionate with them instead of immediately assigning blame, deserved or not.
posted by trevyn at 11:32 PM on October 7 [3 favorites]

Don't say anything to new girl: you'll just come off as crazy-ex.
This. Also, if he's a liar and even moreso if he's manipulative, he'll have her believe that you're making this entire thing up to rile her up and break them apart.

I did this once, wrote an ex's new girl a message telling her he was bad news and she should split while she still has a chance. It was a stupid thing to do in the first place, but as it turned out, he was so controlling that he had her MySpace password within the first week they were dating and saw the message before she did, deleted said message and replied to me through his own account, telling me to never speak to either of them again.

The guy is still IMing me to this day trying to get back together. He still has the same girlfriend.

Do not be friends with him. He will continue to see you as a challenge to be won and will spit you out as soon as something else sparkly meets his eye.
posted by june made him a gemini at 12:08 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]

When I was in this situation, the ex had only attempted to have sex with me and I turned him down because of his girlfriend. We never actually did it.

I did tell the girlfriend, and it was exactly as everyone said. *I* was the one she was angry with. Man, did she tell me off. I was a liar, I had issues, my words were empty and meaningless, etc. The last I heard of them, they were still together a year later.

But, meh. I'd still do it the same way again, because if it were me, I would want to know.
posted by Ashley801 at 12:10 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]

Groan. Been there, done that (though it was a long time ago). This kind of rebound sex is understandable on both your parts, as feelings can persist after the official end of a relationship.

Nthing that you should not tell new girlfriend (who probably won't believe you anyway, and will just be angry at you, thinking you are trying to sabotage her new relationship), and also please cool it with him and move on for your own sake. You need to emotionally disentangle from him and let him and his new relationship stand or fall on its own.
posted by gudrun at 12:21 AM on October 8

You're pretty much an awesome person for making this happen.

It might come across as weird for you, but for guys, that sort of thing is a great closure. It feels like you're a king. That you have "reign" to choose your path. And it is a final goodbye. Again, it is a final goodbye.

If you feel sour, it's because the man didn't have enough nuts to tell you "it's through." I'm sorry, but I think you're both better off.

Call it a day, and flaunt elsewhere. If you continue with the guy, he will think you are creepy.
posted by Khazk at 12:33 AM on October 8

You know that thing where Tarzan is swinging through the trees, bulging with testosterone and going from vine to vine? You see how he never lets go of one until he's got a good grip on the next one?

Welcome to the jungle, baby.
posted by Sallyfur at 12:40 AM on October 8 [17 favorites]

Leave it alone. His new relationship with his new girlfriend is none of your business.

He and I are trying to be pretty good friends, I just don't want to have a relationship with someone that I can't trust.

What does this have to do with anything? How can you trust him any less now that you slept with him again? And how would you telling his girlfriend make him any more trustable?
posted by creasy boy at 1:02 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]

I'd take trevyn's advice, both coming & going. People lie to drama queens for good reason.
posted by jeffburdges at 1:43 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]

Get tested. If you come up positive for anything you didn't previously come up positive for (you have been getting tested regularly, right?) then you've got a duty. That duty is to tell another human that she may have inadvertently exposed herself to an STI because of you and your ex's fuck-up.

You come up negative then you shut up and never do it again. Just as consensual sex comes in all flavors, so does being a tattle-tale.

Let's say that you just broke up with your boyfriend. Shortly thereafter you met a guy you kinda liked, but you still remembered that he was a pretty good lay (he was your boyfriend after all). So you succumb one night and fall back into what you know what to be awesome fucking. So you two go to town and get off like every human is entitled to.

The next day ex discovers this other guy that you're pretty interested in. That you've done a few times or whatever, and he decides to spill all the intimate details of your tryst. What would we call that guy? We'd call him an asshole.

You did a stupid thing. A thing you should never do again, but barring an actual duty on your part to inform someone of the risks he/she may be exposing him/herself to, you'd just be a tattle tale.

No one likes a tattle tale.
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 1:54 AM on October 8

Tell her because it's something she should know. Dosn't matter whether it's your business or not, she's another human being who is a risk for being hurt and if you have the power to prevent that, you should.

Don't expect anything great to come of it, such as her believing you or being thankful. Say your piece, do what's right and let the chips fall where they may.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:47 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]

I hope you used a condom. If you did, walk away, and quickly.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 4:19 AM on October 8

Unless you found you got an STI from him, I'd not tell her and I would stop being his friend, because trust with people you care about is critical, whether or not you are sexually involved with him or not.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:51 AM on October 8

Get tested and carry on - without him. The girlfriend, in time, will find out just how trustworthy he is. It sucks that you learned the hard way, but it isn't your problem anymore. Be grateful.
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 5:14 AM on October 8

Jesus Christ. Just WALK AWAY. From him, from her, from the whole thing. You made a choice that night, and now you want to punish him for it? Don't do the whole crazy ex thing - let them work themselves out, and you worry about yourself.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:24 AM on October 8 [4 favorites]

n-thing the 'just walk away' angle. Unless this girl is like your BFF, don't even bother.
posted by jedrek at 5:31 AM on October 8

He didn't rape you, did he? When he said "this is a bad idea," did you agree and stop him? Didn't think so.

You were a willing participant, no matter who initiated it. That makes you a "cheater" too, you know. You knew he had a new girlfriend. And you have no business telling the new girlfriend a thing. It's obvious you see it as strategic, not ethical. Move on.


Glad to see the MeFi STD panic squad is in the door first.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:35 AM on October 8 [13 favorites]

His relationship with his new girlfriend is absolutely, one hundred percent, completely NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Keep your mouth shut and try to start moving on from this guy and his life. No contact, whether sexually or as a friend, since you are not emotionally able to handle it right now in a mature, adult manner.

You are very worried about whether he is trustworthy enough to be friends with, but what about you? You sound like someone who is almost deliberately trying to destroy his new relationship. I say 'deliberately' because you knew he was dating her before you chose to have sex with him (you do, afterall, describe yourself as a willing participant), and now you want to run and tell the girlfriend. What kind of woman would that make you? I think acting like that would absolutely destroy anyone's interest in being friends with YOU - a gossipy, drama-enacting, tattle tale!

Now, I am NOT saying you are some siren who put him in this position and he's guiltless, etc. But where were all your moral qualms about the girlfriend, BEFORE you have sex? You left it to him to decide - you asked HIM if it was a good idea and then went with his decision. That was the time for this moralizing. But don't for a second allow yourself to pretend that you are proposing to tell her out of "kind" motives - you didn't care enough about her to decide against banging her boyfriend, so don't "care" enough to run back and tell her. The proper time for all this moralizing on your part was before the sex. At this point, it's done, it's none of your business, and you need to move on. Really - let this guy go.

On preview: agreed with fourcheesemac.
posted by bunnycup at 6:12 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]

Unless you found you got an STI from him, I'd not tell her

I agree with this. I'd also question the wisdom of "staying friends" with him -- you may need to take some time apart from him and fully "recover" from things, even though it's been a while since you broke up.

If your reason for telling her is just to "let her know" or unburden yourself in one way, you would probably get some blowback. Things change if you find out you have an STD, though, because then it is her physical health which could be at risk.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:14 AM on October 8

There's three roles in the scenario you describe: Hero, Victim, and Villain.

Right now, you see your ex as the Villain (the Lying, Cheating Bastard), the new girlfriend as the Victim (Wool Over Her Eyes), and yourself as the Hero (going forth to Shine Light on The Truth about the Villain for All To See).

But remember that your ex has had five months to fill the new girlfriend with lies about why he really broke up with you. And yes, that's exactly how he presented it, not as "she dumped me because she caught me cheating on her". No cheater worth the title ever confesses that to a new girlfriend.

That means that by now, your ex has manipulated the situation so that the new girlfriend sees herself as the Hero (Loving a Man Unjustly Mistreated by his Ex), and your ex as the Victim (Still Somewhat Wounded After Leaving a Bad Relationship).

That leaves one role for you.

And if you show up her doorstep with a tale of having sex with him that he initiated, you will--in the mind of the new girlfriend--immediately graduate from Ex-Girlfriend Villain to either Psycho Ex-Girlfriend Villain or Vengeful Ex-Girlfriend Villain.


You do NOT want that drama in your life. As harsh as it may seem, the new girlfriend will have to find out on her own that she's gotten herself involved with a cheater, because that's the only way she'll accept the truth.


Walk away. And don't try to remains "friends" with the cheater. He'll only fuck you in the end--figuratively and, as you've found out, literally.
posted by magstheaxe at 6:51 AM on October 8 [13 favorites]

Hey, since we're all dogpiling on the OP, I'll just point out that both of the parties involved here are equally guilty. She's not emotionally capable? Hell, neither is he.

Don't tell her.
posted by micawber at 6:55 AM on October 8

I slept with my ex. He has a new girlfriend. Now what?
Take responsibility for doing the deed but keep it to yourself. Grow up a bit and leave this situation in the dust.
posted by bunny hugger at 6:55 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]

Don't know whether you trust his advice, but Dan Savage addressed a pretty similar question in his podcast, oh...about a month ago. Dan's conclusion was that the caller (who in this case was the "other man") was just trying to assuage his own guilt and try to come across as the Hero (much as in magstheaxe's breakdown of the situation) while all he was really doing was stirring up a hornet's nest that optimally he should just WALK AWAY from.
posted by kittyprecious at 7:10 AM on October 8

Good gravy, he is NOT your friend. I mean it is polite now a days to "be friends" with one's ex and all but really, there are limits. As mentioned upthread:

* get tested for STDs -- 'cause, you decided to play with a risky sort of personality. Man, you KNEW he was a cheater and then you cheated with him; genius.

** No STDs? No problems, do not tell the girlfriend UNLESS you want the drama and there will be drama. Oh yes, indeed there will be drama. Now if you WANT drama, you must do drama right: compile a dossier of his cheating and drop the bomb on her like on their wedding day showing that his personal nickname for himself is "bushmaster"; savour the vengeance, baby, savour it;

*** DTMFA. When he asks why, just say something on the line of that it is tacky to yell your own name when shtupping someone. He is not your friend; he is your ex and your statements of trust and confirming that he is jerk says that he is not your friend.
posted by jadepearl at 7:17 AM on October 8

As someone who dealt with a year of an ex popping up into our lives, I can tell you first hand (and bluntly) that you need to get lost. You are entering shades of grey in a relationship, he obviously doesn't respect you except for a familiar booty call, and neither of you can move on. Either you're in a relationship or you're out of one. Staying friends in this type of relationship is always a bad idea and you're now entering another person into the f'ed up dynamics of your relationship with your ex. Two's company--3s a crowd. You're the crowd.
posted by stormpooper at 7:20 AM on October 8

I just don't want to have a relationship with someone that I can't trust.
Are you giving your friends the same consideration and letting them know you are the kind of woman that sleeps with men knowing they are already in a relationship? After all, as you said, "once a cheater, always a cheater".
posted by saucysault at 7:52 AM on October 8

Forget about it. It was just sex.

And by the way: "Once a cheater always a cheater" is just a dumbed-down, socially-acceptable way of saying "human beings are not wired to be monogamous".
posted by Zambrano at 8:29 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]

He and I are trying to be pretty good friends, I just don't want to have a relationship with someone that I can't trust.

Respectfully, you're coming off as just as untrustworthy in this situation as he is. He can't be trusted to be faithful to his current girlfriend. You can't be trusted to not sleep with men who are in relationships. Also, you can't be trusted to sleep with people out of lust (instead you seem to be sleeping with them to compile evidence that they cheat on their girlfriends). Thirdly, you can't be trusted to not blab to his girlfriend that you had sex with her boyfriend.

The only way to be able to think "Gawd, I am so much more trustworthy than him" is to not tell the girlfriend. Ending the friendship seems like a good idea, too, because friends don't try and "gotcha!" each other, nor do they try and sabotage their relationships.
posted by 23skidoo at 9:44 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]

To put it bluntly, you are probably subconsciously trying to break them up.

To put it more bluntly, if you have basic logic and reasoning skills, you are consciously trying to break them up.
posted by hal_c_on at 9:57 AM on October 8

You're trying to punish him for something that both you did. You're the ex, just go away. You really think it's reasonable for you to be "friends" with the ex you're boning while he's dating someone else?

Are you sure you really aren't still interested in him?
posted by spaltavian at 11:13 AM on October 8

If I was dating someone who was cheating, I would want to know and would appreciate someone telling me. I would send her an email telling her what happened. At least then she has been warned.

I would forget about the guy. He doesn't sound like much of a friend.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:23 PM on October 8

Were you raped? If not, you are equally to blame.
Keep your nose out of someone else's relationship.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:50 PM on October 8

P.S. To answer your initial question: "I slept with my ex. He has a new girlfriend. Now what?"

Here's What.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:53 PM on October 8

Jesus, people, you're harsh. I hope you never make a mistake. She slept with an ex who happened to be dating someone else, not played fiddle while Rome burned or something. Yeah, sleeping with someone who is in a committed relationship with someone else isn't cool, but more of the burden falls on the person in the "committed" relationship anyway.

OP, I do agree with the seeming consensus not to tell, barring an STI. And you don't need him in your life, as a friend or otherwise. Don't beat yourself up about it too badly, though.
posted by 6550 at 5:26 PM on October 8

He's a shitty friend to you, so DTMFA. If he gave you an STD, let her know. If not, let it go. The end.

You already knew this already, but you're trying to work up a tempest in this teapot. Let it go. Sex with the ex is one of humanity's most frequent stupidities--congratulation, you're in a club with billions of equally misguided members. We have no pie.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:27 PM on October 8 [1 favorite]

You know, I want to answer again just to counter everyone trying to shame you for being a "home-wrecker". They're wrong, and you're wrong, and the reason you're all wrong is because this is simply not a big deal and is only of any moral concern to the guy himself -- he is the only one responsible for not cheating on his girlfriend.

The answer to your question "I slept with my ex. He has a new girlfriend. Now what?" is -- make a sandwich. See what's on TV. Take a nice walk. Does the laundry need washing? Then do that. Etc. Unless you want him back, you probably shouldn't sleep with him again. That's as far as you need to think this thing. If you really feel that your moral faculties need some exercise, call up some congressmen and demand universal health care.

People don't need to have ulterior motives to sleep with their ex -- ex-sex is usually really good, because you're both sexually very familiar and comfortable with each other and yet it's no longer routine and at the same time it's entirely non-committal. But unless you want this guy back you should probably stay clear of his drama. Meet him for coffee if you like, if not then don't.
posted by creasy boy at 12:30 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]

"Jesus, people, you're harsh. I hope you never make a mistake."

Speaking as someone who probably judged her harshly above.... the issue isn't that she slept with her ex. It's that she blames him rather than blaming herself for a mistake she was an equal participant in making, and that she now wants to meddle in his new relationship (although, by sleeping with him, she already has chosen to meddle in his new relationship). She said: "we had sex. He initiated it. I asked if he was sure that he wanted to do it, he said "This is probably a bad idea." and continued anyway." And she continued anyway too.

Isn't it funny that she says she broke up with him because of his previous ex, and now she wants to be the ex who messes up his next relationship. What are the odds?

Anonymous, if you're reading this... don't do it. Use the mistake you made as an opportunity for self reflection and growth. Revenge gets you nowhere.

Best of luck figuring all of this stuff out.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:08 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]

Sorry but harsh nothing.

He's in a new relationship
She knows this
They both boned each other
They're both to blame and knew what they were doing. Neither met to purposely have sex yet neither said an outright no and leave/get out.

Too bad. You both just screwed over the new girl and that's just plain shitty.

You need to break up with this friend status
He needs to break up with his girlfriend
You both need time to move on without each other.
posted by stormpooper at 9:23 AM on October 9 [1 favorite]

It's that she blames him rather than blaming herself for a mistake she was an equal participant in making, and that she now wants to meddle in his new relationship (although, by sleeping with him, she already has chosen to meddle in his new relationship).

This is ridiculous. You don't know that she isn't shooting herself in the foot over this. If she really wanted to be vindictive and start wrecking homes she would have done so as soon as she could have and not gone through the trouble of even letting people cast judgment on her. One could argue she was getting her own revenge, etc., but y'know what? Sometimes revenge sounds awesome until it's executed and then you feel like a miserable sack of crap. Sometimes revenge isn't even involved and you end up feeling even worse.

Something happened between the time you two started moving boxes or cleaning and ended up naked in what I would assume is a mostly empty house. Try to set the emotions aside and figure out what tipped that scale and why. It would be one thing if everyone's feelings just got the better of themselves, but if he attempted doing this with another girl while he was with you and just did it again to his current girl with you, it's a trending issue.

Instead of contacting her, touch base with him and tell him how this has made you feel. Mention nothing of his current relationship except to say that it wasn't fair to her. Don't pull the "If you don't tell her, I will," crap. It opens so many doors of drama it's ridiculous. If he realizes he's hurting everyone in these situations (even without one of them knowing it) -- especially people he cares about, it might be enough.

After that, cease contact entirely. You can only help someone so much, let him continue to dig his own holes if he feels like this is what he wants to do with his life.
posted by june made him a gemini at 3:20 PM on October 10

What if she didn't care? Then how would you feel?

It's just something to ask yourself. In that situation, in her shoes, it's possible that I wouldn't care much (it would really depend on the details). She might think about these things totally different than you do.
posted by salvia at 9:10 PM on October 10

Stop kidding yourself. If you didn't want to have sex with your ex, why did you go away with him for the weekend? You could have gone to pick up the stuff on your own or taken his current girlfriend. There were tons of ways you could have prevented this if you wanted to do so.

What now? Get your crap and cut off contact with him. Don't tell the current girlfriend; she'll certainly find out on her own. You f'd her boyfriend. Haven't you caused her enough trouble?
posted by 26.2 at 8:34 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with him, but I'm reasonably sure I know why he wants to be friends with you. Treat yourself better than that; your self-esteem is too precious to risk.
posted by heyho at 7:35 PM on October 12 [1 favorite]