Should I literally follow my dream?

October 7, 2009 6:50 AM

I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend last night and I'm wondering if I should do anything about it.

The relationship ended a couple of years ago because of his heavy workload - he didn't want to keep me waiting if he couldn't be around and I pretty much agreed that it was best we separate. I tend to think I missed him more than he missed me since his career went into overdrive soon after, traveling to America for work (we live in Australia) and he was out of the country not long after we split anyway.

He's back in town and I've seen him a few times since - just as friends, though. I would quickly fall back into bed with him and the relationship if I let myself.

He's not on my mind very often; rarely, in fact, unless he updates his Facebook status or his blog. And I certainly don't pine for this relationship.

But last night I had a very vivid and intimate dream, which tied into where I am at the moment and where he is. It's brought up a lot of old feelings in me, pinged that part of me that knows he's the one who got away - and reminded me of all the good times we had when we were together.

Past experience says that we could well slip into old patterns, but we're both single and I never lost those feelings for him - so should I follow this dream I had? Should I re-initiate contact on a more personal level?

Or was the dream just a memory of the past and not an indicator of what I should do next?

Metadreamfollower (at) gmail (dot) com if you want/need more information.

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

I advise against doing something because you had a dream about it.

However, if he's available, if you're available, and if you think he's the one that got away, then you should definitely try - not because of the dream you had, but because obviously you had something, and the reason for ending it was merely circumstantial.
posted by molecicco at 7:02 AM on October 7 [2 favorites]

I think you have plenty of reasons to at least talk with him, but the dream is not one of them.
posted by Think_Long at 7:12 AM on October 7 [4 favorites]

Not to get all Freudian or Jungian...but dreams are said to represent unfulfilled desire. I think perhaps seeing him has re-awakened feelings that you had buried. If you're both single, I don't see why, given what you've told us, you wouldn't perhaps put some energy towards rekindling the relationship. But I say that based on what you've said, not because you dreamed about it.

Dreams are just that...your mind at play. Follow your heart.
posted by dejah420 at 7:13 AM on October 7

Your dream was brought on by the fact that he's physically back in your life (I recently had a dream about getting back together with an ex I hadn't thought about in years, brought on by seeing him for the first time in years). I'd be inclined to say leave it alone, but if you really think this is something that is worth your effort, live a little and stop wondering! Why not ask him if he's available for a coffee or dinner and go from there? If he says no, it'll smart a bit, but at least you'll know.

I'm curious - was his workload really the sole reason you broke up or were there other factors working their way in? How long were you together before you broke up? Feel free to MeFi mail me if you'd rather not give away too much detail in this thread. Good luck!
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:14 AM on October 7

Dreaming about him once doesn't necessarily mean anything. I've had dreams like that about people I haven't seen in 20+ years and didn't particularly like even at the time. If you start having those dreams practically every night, well... that might be different.

Not to say you shouldn't think about it if you want to, just that basing such decisions on things done, said and thought while awake/lucid generally brings the best results.
posted by Pufferish at 7:15 AM on October 7

Why not hang out with him in a low-key setting? The stakes are low, and spending some time with him may help clarify how you feel and give you clues about his feelings as well. Then proceed as you see fit.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 7:16 AM on October 7

If you are both single and he is here to stay for a while then try it. You ended on good terms and you still obviously have feelings for him. As for the dream, I would not read into it too much. There is so many ways to interpret them that it could mean anything.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:17 AM on October 7

Should you get back in touch with him? Sure. But not because you had a dream about it.
posted by Pax at 7:29 AM on October 7

I was once told by a friend who's a professional in the field of psychology that the people we dream about are rarely literal. They are symbolic of a concept we don't want to or can't work with directly. So, they might say "what does your ex symbolize to you" and that's what you were actually dreaming about.

You can take that for what it's worth, which may not be much. But I agree that dreaming about your ex does not give the relationship some deeper understanding.
posted by qwip at 7:37 AM on October 7 [1 favorite]

1. You left on amicable terms.
2. You sound as though you are both single (confirm this with him).
3. You may want to find out how long he's in town for (is this now permanent?)
4. You remember what it is like to be with him and liked that.

Is there any reason why you shouldn't be dating again?

The dream is unimportant.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:49 AM on October 7 [1 favorite]

I had a dream last night that I was in a doctor's office being interviewed about getting my penis shortened.

Dreams are not only bad reasons to do something, they're ridiculous reasons.

Unless you're one of those people who always do what your dreams tell you to--obviously, I am not--it's a little odd you're considering it this time.

I'm not trying to slam you... I just think the dream is irrelevant and you know it. If you get back with this guy and it doesn't work out, you'll rationalize that the dream told you to. If it works out, you'll forget the dream and remember all the other, much more understandable reasons to do it.

A friend of mine flips a coin on many of her major decisions. She once pulled a quarter from her pocket and told me she was going to flip it to help her decide whether she should try and get pregnant or not. I called her on how wrong it was to do that. She told me I was a moron for thinking she'd ever let a coin decide what she should do. I asked why she would flip it then.

"Because when it's in the air, the correct path is vividly clear."

She flipped the coin, it spun through the air. She slapped it to her wrist and pocketed it without looking at it. She then made the right decision.

Want to know whether to get back with this cat. Flip a coin.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 8:08 AM on October 7 [4 favorites]

How do you know he's the one who got away, if you don't think about him that much? Is it possible that you are just horny or something?
posted by kathrineg at 8:12 AM on October 7

No. No no no no. No. NO.

As much as I am a believer in the omens of the universe and being sensitive to the unspoken and the magic of the world and singing kumba-fucking-ya at every opportunity: Doing something because you had a dream about it is flat out dumb.

What did you eat the day before? What were you listening to when you went to bed? What have you been reading? These all key in to what your dreams are going to be. You hardly want to take a leap into contacting an ex because you had some curry or listened to heartbreaky songs.

Now, if you start having REPEATED dreams about him, that could be a sign that your dreams are trying to clue you in to the fact that you have a strong subconscious desire to get in touch with him. In which case, what you need to do is have your conscious desires get in touch with your subconscious and decide if it's a good idea or not.

But one dream? No. As hippie-dippie as I am, I can't condone anyone doing something potentially life-altering simply on the rationale that they had a dream about it.

If you want to do it anyway and feel like you need to rationalize it by saying "Well, I dreamed it!", well, that's cool, but own up to the fact that it's what you want to do rather than making your subconscious into some kind of scapegoat for your actions.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:54 AM on October 7

A friend once gave me the image of the heart as a hotel. We put away our memories of loved ones in various rooms, and every once in a while we go and visit....and then close the door after us when we leave. I have always regarded dreams about exes as what happens when a random waking thought tries, that night, to make its way back behind the door. The dream is a way of tidying up, not a means of prediction. Only fully awake can you decide whether that particular door should be re-opened.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:56 AM on October 7 [1 favorite]

I would quickly fall back into bed with him and the relationship if I let myself.

He's not on my mind very often; rarely, in fact,

And I certainly don't pine for this relationship.

part of me that knows he's the one who got away

we could well slip into old patterns,

I never lost those feelings for him

It sounds to me like you liked him more than he liked you; he never really committed to the relationship even though you were ready to. So now that he's available again, you still feel the same way, but you know he probably feels the same way too. So, no, based on what you've said here, it doesn't seem like it would really be worth it.
posted by mdn at 8:58 AM on October 7 [2 favorites]

I had a dream I was living in the video game Oblivion the other night.
A couple days ago I had a dream I was in a bookstore.
When I was working in a haunted house I had a lot of dreams about zombie invasions.
Sometimes stuff just shows up in dreams because we were thinking about it not long before bed.

If you want to call him, call him. (although I don't think I would, personally).

Don't do it because of something you saw in a dream, though. If we all started acting like we did in dreams in our waking lives that this world would look like a surrealistic nightmare.
posted by Kellydamnit at 9:30 AM on October 7

Nthing that you should talk to him if you want to and if you still have feelings for him, want to be together, etc... but don't do it because of the dream. Dreams are just dreams.

if I contacted every person I've slept with in my dreams regarding said dreams I'd probably be in a lot of trouble.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:39 AM on October 7 [1 favorite]

Look, I've dreamt about people with 7 nipples, people I barely remember from my schooldays flying fighter jets while dressed in clown costumes eating jelly donuts or something. I've had dreams in which serious things have been hiliarious and the most trivial matters have been utterly important. They're just the ones I remember - I'm sure I've probably had others in which Jennifer Garner realised she couldn't live without me and emigrated to London on the next flight.

My point being, the question is not "I've had a dream about my ex and what should I do?" The fact that you're bothering to ask the question means you know have some feelings for your ex and don't seem to have resolved them.

On what you've supplied, I'm not sure anyone here can give you decent, specific advice. For what it's worth, it seems like you want to meet up with him, and still want to jump his bones. From what you're written, the most pertinent question is "would the fact that we'd slip into old patterns be a positive or a negative thing?"
posted by MuffinMan at 10:12 AM on October 7

Why WOULDN'T it end the same way this time? In my opinion, the answer to that question will tell you everything you need to know.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:19 AM on October 7

Why not?
posted by WeekendJen at 11:33 AM on October 7

Not sure what you should do, but here's one helpful thing to remember: dreams are not mutual. You dreamed of him. He probably didn't dream about you.
posted by aielen at 10:57 PM on October 8

Today, in a flu-fevered dream, I dreamed that I ran away with Weird Al Yankovitch. To Vegas. Where we donned pink boxing gloves and fought Lady Gaga in a Cage Match. (We won, btw, and we popped poor Lady's bubble dress) After the cage match, we played Pacman, had banana shakes, and then got married.

Just saying, dreams are not necessarily a good reason to do something.
posted by Peecabu at 6:05 PM on October 9