Can't even say it!

October 4, 2009 7:57 PM

This is going to sound neurotic as hell! It's about farting.

Okay. So... I've always been really funny about farting. I cannot even say the word out loud. Even typing it so often in this post is going to pain me.

Actually, it's not farting per se that I have the problem with. When someone else farts I couldn't care less. I'll laugh if they laugh, I'll ignore it if they ignore it, and I really don't think about it any further.

But if I fart, it's like kill me now.

It's not completely pathological, but it is certainly a topic I'm not comfortable with and I avoid talking about it with people at all costs! Because of this, I am totally naive to other peoples' attitudes to farting (I just assume everybody else is totally cool and I'm the One Person On Earth Who Has A Problem).

So tell me, please. Should I feel guilty about being so shamey about a bodily function or is it totally fine? Do I need to work on this or can I get through life as I've gone through my whole life already: essentially ignoring the subject and feeling a few moments of torture every now and then!?

Am I abnormally uncool? Do I need to learn to be gracious about farting and develop a sense of humour? I have a sense of humour about everything but this, I swear.

Are there people in marriages or LTRs who just don't fart around each other? Is it some sort of prerequisite to a LTR that you have to share farts or something? Ick. I really hope not.

The funny thing is, I found out recently that my father is also weird about farting. I never knew this, because I didn't grow up with him. Can secret shames be passed via genes? LOL.

Oh yeah. I also identify with that PostSecret card that says "I take extreme measures to poop in solitude."

What's my problem!!

posted by anonymous to grab bag (26 comments total)

Why not go on a trip to a country where farting is as A-OK in public as, say, sneezing is where you live? That'll cure you of your fartphobia right quick.

You can always do your own desensitization therapy, which would be likely cheaper than travel.

Should I feel guilty about being so shamey about a bodily function or is it totally fine? Do I need to work on this or can I get through life as I've gone through my whole life already: essentially ignoring the subject and feeling a few moments of torture every now and then!?

There's nothing to be ashamed of, but it seems like it might be worth your time to work through this anxiety. I don't know. I am not big on public farting or belching, because I was raised that those aren't polite, but it doesn't cause me a lot of angst. If it did, I'd work on it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:02 PM on October 4

Are there people in marriages or LTRs who just don't fart around each other? Is it some sort of prerequisite to a LTR that you have to share farts or something?

Farting and marriage in Japan
posted by Paragon at 8:07 PM on October 4

i'm exactly the same way with regard to how i feel about other ppl farting and while i'm not ashamed of my bodily functions, i refuse to fart in front of others (if i can help it) and i won't let ppl in the bathroom with me either. i just chalk it up to it just being my thing.
posted by violetk at 8:08 PM on October 4

My girlfriend has never farted audibly in front of me in a year and a half. She's Korean. I tease her about it sometimes.

Don't worry about it.
posted by smorange at 8:14 PM on October 4

Is it some sort of prerequisite to a LTR that you have to share farts or something?

No, it isn't. What happens is that you usually get more comfortable with your normal bodily functions around that person, and you also have to learn to deal with their functions and their own comfort level. So, even if you keep such things to yourself as much as possible, you will end up farting in front of your partner someday - in your sleep, when laughing really hard, whatever. And the good part is that you'll (hopefully, eventually) realize that you don't care, because they love you as your are. And you love them as they are too, because they fart in front of you, or stink up the bathroom, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you have to start making jokes about it or stay up at night lighting each other's farts or anything. (Seriously, what is that?)
posted by cabingirl at 8:25 PM on October 4

All I know is, you're not the only one because I sure didn't write this post.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:28 PM on October 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

While not a prerequisite, if you co-habitate with anyone as part of an LTR, I feel like it's unavoidable in some situations. They know you are pooping, for one. If you have thin walls, they might hear you even if you excuse yourself. Someone will get food poisoning someday. The thing is though, while I have no such qualms, it is easier to get over the initial embarrassment of farting in front of someone you really love than it is to be okay being a person who rips it in a grocery store. Being totally embarrassed about your own is fine, since it's generally an accidental occurrence you would try to avoid. As for an LTR, they are all different and if you find you can't hide, both parties will probably cross that bridge as they come to it. Even if you're a happy go lucky fart on command person, the relationship thing will be awkward at first. True love adapts to another persons gaseous odors or finds an agreement to avoid them.

My boyfriend and I have farting contests, so take from that what you will.
posted by itsonreserve at 9:09 PM on October 4

This old thread illustrates a range of opinions on farting around significant others, just as an example of how some people are like you to one degree or another and some aren't. Some in that thread bust them out after a three-week courtesy period, and some, your colonic cousins, go 50 years and never acknowledge their existence.

While I think the people who don't care at all have a much healthier attitude about it, I'm thinking that through a combination of nature and nurture, you are who you are at this point. I wonder if fighting against that or feeling bad about it might cause you more anguish than just sticking with it.

I think it would be interesting to learn whatever the psychology behind it is. That might demystify it for you. I'm sure it's something suitably Freudian. A quick google on "fart shame psychology" doesn't yield anything immediately promising, but you might try something along those lines.
posted by Askr at 9:09 PM on October 4

Why not go on a trip to a country where farting is as A-OK in public as, say, sneezing is where you live?

OK, I'll bite. Which countries?
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 9:15 PM on October 4

You are definitely not alone. I grew up in a house that basically pretended that farting doesn't exist, and I have attempted to carry this attitude over to my relationships. Unfortunately, I have been known to fart in my sleep. Like, loud enough that it will wake me and/or my S.O. Should this happen, we giggle about it for around 30 seconds, go back to sleep, and wake up the next day once again pretending that farts don't exist.
posted by naoko at 9:24 PM on October 4

Sitcoms to the rescue!
posted by Sys Rq at 9:48 PM on October 4

As far as my mother was concerned, farting in front of someone else (or passing windy, or doing a windy !!!) was about as bad as committing murder, and in some cases, worse, if the murdered victim had it coming. She had this way of saying "disgusting" that was more disgusting than the thing she was talking about, and could bring everyone to the point of vomitting. She told me once, whispering though we were alone, that I could avoid passing wind noisily in a public stall, by grabbing a cheek and pulling it to the side. (This is strangely effective).

Anyway, I married an engineer type, who was really confused about the non-existence of farts in my life. He wanted to know what I did, how I managed it, whether I thought it was healthy or unhealthy (enough already!!!) After 20 years with him, I now claim my farts don't stink, that they score as high as his on sound and presentation, and will quite happily and with aplomb fart merrily within my own household.

I tell you what, the last twenty years have been a lot easier.

So do people in marriages/LTR fart in front of each other? Well, in ours they do. We kind of think of ourselves as a partnership and a team, and pretty much agree that whatever either one of us does normally, the other one won't stop loving and respecting. This includes occasional temper tantrums, hormonal tears, body functions, quietly expressed dislike of each other's relatives and so on. It's okay, it's who we are.

Are you abnormally uncool? I don't know, do you wear a fedora? I know you're joking here (at least I think you are, sort of, and sort of serious). And seriously, finally, forget about being cool or uncool. Do exactly what you think is best and most interesting and that turns you into totally cool. No, it's weird, after years of trying to fit in and be just like the cool kids, it turns out that who I normally am is actually more fun, funnier, and just plain WOW, than that. So be uncool. It's cool.

I think the easiest way to deal with this is to try to desensitize yourself. Go have a poop in a public toilet. Go fart in a public toilet. Wash your hands and leave and then assess the situation. Did anyone come running with a scarlet letter A (or F)? No? What's the worse thing that happened? Nothing? What's the worst thing that could have happened? Some prude might have held their nose and went, oh my god, can you believe the stench in here and you could have then said, no, isn't it strange for a public toilet! Then step it up, and fart in more and more public places. See how you go. Once, a colleague of mine, a certain Dr Barbara farted at the photocopier. OMG. Guess what happened?!?!? She said "Pardon me," and the world continued.

(Finally, in order to fit in with metafilter requirements, have you considered therapy? You may have a condition).
posted by b33j at 9:52 PM on October 4 [9 favorites has favorites]

It might be weird but it seems okay, I enjoy living with someone who is not comfortable farting around me because it's smelly and I don't like it. Accidents happen and maybe you'll be anxious about it but sometimes we embarrass ourselves. If it's not interfering with your life, it's just a quirk.
posted by kathrineg at 9:59 PM on October 4

I mean, the important part is being cool and non-judgmental when other people do it.
posted by kathrineg at 10:01 PM on October 4

My fiance and i have been together for almost 5 years, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard her* fart. As for her, the poor thing, she hears me rip them pretty much daily. She feigns mock (?) disgust / annoyance, to which I respond by acting like a total Seth Rogen-ite, then she laughs, and then we move on, and life is still good the next day.

* Yes, even beautiful women sometimes fart: http://farts.typepad.com/farts/2006/11/do_girls_fart_b.html

Having a dog helps. Why are dogs man's best friend? They'll take a hit for the team, every time. Even SHE's used him as a scapegoat, the tricky little miss....
posted by armoir from antproof case at 11:18 PM on October 4

Well, I'm a guy and I feel mildly embarrassed farting in front of my wife, and an order of magnitude moreso anyone else. If I do in front of the wife, I shrug it off and don't think about it, but I do unconsciously try to be as...silent as possible.
posted by zardoz at 11:38 PM on October 4

Do I need to work on this or can I get through life as I've gone through my whole life already: essentially ignoring the subject and feeling a few moments of torture every now and then!?

Meh, just have a few moments of torture now and then. If this is your big neurotic secret, you're doing pretty well, all things considered.

We in the Llama house are discreet and private about bodily functions, not because we're neurotic about them but because they're the opposite of hot, and our unspoken agreement is if you want to find someone sexy for thirty years you're in a better position to do that if you haven't also had to listen to them talk about their poops and what not.

Frankly, I think more people should be good and neurotic about it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:08 AM on October 5 [4 favorites has favorites]

I've never been in a relationship where farting was a secret thing. It always starts out as a secret, but inevitably I let one slip at some point and then it's open season after that.
posted by orme at 6:20 AM on October 5

I also suffered long from the Original Poster's anxiety, and I still do to some extent. It's been a relief to see that so many other mefites have varying levels of the same problem.

Two things helped me not worry about this problem so much, and I heartily recommend both of them:

The first was marriage, about which other posters have written at enough length.

Secondly, however, it was a great comfort to me to learn that some of the Founding Fathers of the United States of America wrestled with this same (universal?) dilemma.

OP, do as I have done-- take Benjamin Franklin's advice to heart, and Fart Proudly.
posted by seasparrow at 6:42 AM on October 5 [2 favorites has favorites]

I never fart around people and for the longest time never farted in front of my wife (who is a person, but in a special class). She kept bugging me about it so now I occasionally fart in front of her to make her feel better (such are the sacrifices required to keep a marriage happy). Honestly I can't understand how people can't hold it in until they are alone/in a washroom but apparently a lot of people can't.

FWIW my whole family is like this and I don't think I've ever heard them fart.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 7:51 AM on October 5

My poor mom (bless her heart) can't stop herself from farting anywhere at any time. She bends over and she rips a huge one. She will then collapse in a fit of giggles which leads to another round of farting. My dad will look at her and shake his head and snicker while the rest of the kids and grandkids crack up and tease her mercilessly. My parents have been married for 44 years and I don't think I've ever heard my dad fart.

I've been married for 11 years and the only time we've ever heard each other was if it was a bathroom noise that escaped. I'm a big fan of bathroom and personal hygiene privacy, so I'm much more like you. I think it depends on each individual as to their comfort level-so no, you aren't weird nor do you need therapy. At least not for this issue.
posted by hollygoheavy at 8:04 AM on October 5

I'm going to propose one exception to the "don't feel bad about it" chorus.

On the whole, I don't think it's weird to be uneasy about passing gas -- if you are doing so at a higher-than-average rate. ....I sort of speak from experience; all through when I was a kid and up into my 20's, I often had problems in this area. I did what I could to escape notice, but I wasn't always successful. However, eliminating a couple of foods from my diet (just broccoli, cauliflower, and brussel sprouts -- that's pretty much it, in my case) and taking an acidophilous supplement each day has made a big difference -- which has in turn made a big difference on how self-conscious I am about flatulence, because it simply isn't as big of an issue any more compared to what it used to be.

So if we're talking about "I just have the occasional toot now and then", then I wouldn't sweat it, but hey, everyone has the things they wig out about. But if instead you're talking more like "I'm embarrassed, but that's because it happens 50 times a day and smells like someone hid Jimmy Hoffa in my colon," then that's a bit of a different situation -- a situation which is, fortunately, treatable.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:37 AM on October 5

You're normal. It's disgusting. It's something that should not be done around others- if it can be helped.

My girlfriend has never farted audibly in front of me in a year and a half.

She's a good girl.


Everyone is looking at this like it's a "problem". But the Llama gets it right again.
posted by Zambrano at 9:49 AM on October 5

Don't feel bad about it at all! I personally loathe to hear people belching and burping, but I know lots of others don't share that inhibition.

Maybe you could look at your diet, so you don't eat things that make you fart? That might help with restraining your windiness, so you don't have to think about OMIGOD IT'S GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN and get embarrassed in advance.
posted by vickyverky at 11:20 AM on October 5

My fiance and i have been together for almost 5 years, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard her* fart. As for her, the poor thing, she hears me rip them pretty much daily. She feigns mock (?) disgust / annoyance, to which I respond by acting like a total Seth Rogen-ite, then she laughs, and then we move on, and life is still good the next day.

This pretty much describes my relationship, except I am the female and we are married.
posted by desjardins at 11:34 AM on October 5

If you find farting in front of others to be embarrassing, I suggest you study up and memorise a few good one-liners. Then if you find yourself about to let rip in company, get the joke out first, and you can rattle the windows under cover of the guffawing.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 7:20 PM on October 5