Cold fish at the drop of a hat

October 1, 2009 7:04 AM

Help me understand this dating situation. Sort of long.

My roommate is dating this girl, and she has this cute friend Meredith that she brought out one night, maybe around the beginning of August. I kind of offhand mentioned that I thought Meredith was cute, word got back around, and apparently it was mutual. Awesome. We hung out again together as a group a few weeks ago and after that Meredith and I started texting back and forth most nights about random shit. She's out of town a lot for work, so we couldn't hang out in person for awhile. For reference I'm 24, she's 22.

She gets back into town the weekend before last and she, as well as a bunch of our other friends, comes to our place to watch football on Saturday. After the game my roommate had to work so I went out with his girlfriend and Meredith to grab food. She's kind of a playful, sarcastic type - she talks a lot of shit - and while we were walking back to my apartment after dinner she was all over me, just flirting/horsing around. My roommate's girlfriend wanted to go back to her place and change, because we were planning on going out, but Meredith didn't want to go with her, so she decided to hang out with me at my apartment while we waited.

Roommate's girlfriend, though, knowing what was up, never came back. So the two of us just ended up hanging out at my place all night, watching random television. We didn't hook up or make out or anything, but we were kind of just canoodling on the couch or whatever - holding hands, snuggling, whatever you want to call it. She was very into it and I definitely could have made a move, but I didn't, since it was the first time we had ever hung out solo. Plus, at least according to my roommate's girlfriend, she's a virgin, and I didn't want to freak her out. So I thought that there was plenty of time to take things slowly.

Anyway, the four of us had already (before that night) made plans to go to a hockey game two days later on Monday. It was also Meredith's birthday. So we all meet up for the hockey game, it's great, we have fun. The two of us weren't acting couple-y at all, beyond the fact that she sat next to me for most of the game. We were kind of flirtatious but I got the sense that she toned it down a little - because we were in public or what, I don't know. But I wasn't expecting any different and it was fun.

Afterwards we all went back to my roommate's girlfriend's place to hang out and watch TV. And here's where it got weird. We get there and there are two loveseat couches. My roommate and his girlfriend sat on one, and I sat on the other - but she wouldn't sit on the couch! She literally sat on the floor, back against the couch, the whole time. It made the whole thing EXTREMELY weird because it wasn't a secret to anyone in the room that she and I had been flirting for the past few weeks. My roommate's girlfriend didn't help matters by making fun of her for not sitting on the couch. Anyway, after an hour or so I was pretty tired and very uncomfortable, so I left.

Everyone was mystified by this, and the two girls talked about it after we left, and Meredith said that she liked me, but that she was weirded out by the whole double date situation and didn't like the pressure of hanging out with an actual couple (I heard this thirdhand) And it makes sense - we had just started hanging out, I was a little uncomfortable too, but we had made the plans beforehand. I don't know what exactly changed, because we were fine hanging out as a group until that night, but whatever.

Anyway, I just figured we'd have to hang out alone for awhile, which was better anyway. I've tried to set something up two or three times since then, and have gotten the usual passive-aggressive vagueries. It's quite obviously a brush-off, which is just so fucking weird, since it seemed to be going really well a week and a half ago.

I'm fine with someone not being interested. But it just doesn't make sense that someone would become disinterested in the space of the 48 hours between Saturday night and Monday night. I think I'm done with this girl, but I guess I'm looking for a little understanding of what might have happened here and how I can avoid it in the future.

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

She liked you at first and then she liked you less after a while. Happens all the time.
posted by tamaraster at 7:11 AM on October 1 [6 favorites]

She doesn't want the dynamic and potential problems that goes with dating her friend's boyfriend's friend.
Or, she got pretty tired of all the "hanging out" without a bona fide date.
Or, she felt too much pressure to make this work, with everyone teasing her about the couch thing and leaving her stranded at your place.
Or, she thought she liked you, but then changed her mind.
posted by Houstonian at 7:16 AM on October 1

22 year old girls can be flaky at times. If you have asked her out 2-3 times and she has not got back to you then I would back off. Let her sort things out in her mind. In the meantime try to find someone else to peak your interests. If it is meant to be then it will happen. Also if there is another time when you are just hanging out and you two are all cuddly... make out with her. You both will feel better in the morning.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:24 AM on October 1

You could probably clear a lot of this up by talking to her and asking a few questions.
posted by P.o.B. at 7:26 AM on October 1

I think what you need to do is ask. I did this once to a poor woman. Finally, weeks later, she said "It seemed like we were going to be much better friends when we first met." I mumbled something like "I think we're really good friends" but I knew what she met--I was young and just chickened out.

You don't know what she is thinking and the only way to figure it out is to ask her straight up. If done with tact, an an expression of how you feel about her and a smile, it is a ballsy move that will have to be respected. Tell her you think she's very attractive and that you were hoping to spend more time with her. Make it clear you want a date. Let her answer. If you get nothing useable, just drop it.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:28 AM on October 1

Could also be that she liked you a lot, and THAT freaked her out. Especially if she has less romantic experience (not clear whether that's true or not). I know that when I was less experienced, I gave some signals that were pretty f-ing weird.

Either way, though, I think you're right to back off. The point is that you're just not going to be able to know what's going on in her head. There's a good chance that SHE doesn't know what's going on in her head.
posted by sesquipedalian at 7:30 AM on October 1

Wait, I'm confused, this is a joke, right? You canoodled with this girl's roommate and you except her to still be flirty? She probably picked up on the fact that you could've boned her roommate the other night and doesn't want to appear foolish or easy.
posted by phaedon at 7:32 AM on October 1

On preview: Sounds like OP has asked her out two or three times, and she's basically said no. I wouldn't bother her again. Unlikely to get any real information that way, really.
posted by sesquipedalian at 7:33 AM on October 1

You canoodled with this girl's roommate and you except her to still be flirty? She probably picked up on the fact that you could've boned her roommate the other night and doesn't want to appear foolish or easy.

What? The Girl's friend is his roommate's girlfriend. The OP only canoodled with one Girl - the same girl he later asked out several times.

There's a lot of things that could have gone wrong. Maybe the Girl was interested in a fling, but realized that's impractical to have with someone she'll have to see from time to time. Maybe she liked you, but not that much. Maybe she has a guy in this other city she travels to all the time. Or a guy she met at work. Maybe your timing was just bad.
posted by muddgirl at 7:43 AM on October 1

I've tried to set something up two or three times since then, and have gotten the usual passive-aggressive vagueries. It's quite obviously a brush-off, which is just so fucking weird, since it seemed to be going really well a week and a half ago.

I'm fine with someone not being interested. But it just doesn't make sense that someone would become disinterested in the space of the 48 hours between Saturday night and Monday night. I think I'm done with this girl, but I guess I'm looking for a little understanding of what might have happened here and how I can avoid it in the future.

It doesn't appear that you're clueless or 'spergin; based on your description of events, I'm going to say that she was into you - or thought she was - but changed her mind because of the friend dynamic. Honestly, it doesn't appear there's much you could have done differently.

I think I'm done with this girl

Yeah; anyone who blows you off three times is 100% off-limits. Stop calling her and move on. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:52 AM on October 1

You had a "first date" of sorts that first night when you hung out. Your second date was a double-date, and she decided she didn't like you that way. I'm sorry, it sucks, but that's dating for you.
posted by xingcat at 7:56 AM on October 1 [1 favorite]

Is there some reason you are not inclined to believe the words that came out of her mouth?

She is not comfortable with double-dating. It's awkward to be thrust into a couple situation, even a seating arrangement, with another well-established couple. That is totally legit. She sat with you, she just didn't sit next to you.

She clearly does one on on and informal groups better, which is fair enough since you've been un-dating for all of two minutes. Call her and ask her out on a one on one date; she'll say yes.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:57 AM on October 1

Sounds to me like she doesn't like the pressure. I don't blame her. You write "everyone was mystified by this" but it's not "everyone's" business. Two's company, three's a crowd. Four is claustrophobic.

Possibly, if she's a virgin at 22 - and were she to suspect you know that is enough to make her look for a boyfriend who isn't being spoonfed her entire sexual history - then maybe she's either quite selective, or emotionally reserved, or possibly not that into the whole boy thing (yet). None of which will make two other people watching her love life unfurl any more comfortable.

I'm not exactly a renaissance man myself, but you've called her a cold fish, and passive-aggressive, which aren't indicative that you want to understand or particularly care for her reasons - you seem to have reached a conclusion already. Maybe you're right and she is weird. But the way you tell the story, to this observer at least she has plenty of reasons to want to back out of things quickly.

If you're still keen I'd suggest you back off a little and explain to her that you like her, and you'd like to see more of her. In time, she might explain why, but questioning why she went cold - or her right to back off - is unlikely to get you the answer you want.

However, I'd caution that your post reads like you've made up your mind and she's history. In which case, chalk one up for experience and let things be.
posted by MuffinMan at 8:10 AM on October 1 [5 favorites]

This is pretty common in the twilight zone of dating (or rather, hanging out and hooking up since people don't really date anymore), and I would say especially if you're dealing with young folk in their early 20s. I would not try to seek out answers from her. Break orbit. Flow on. Be like water, man.
posted by That takes balls. at 8:32 AM on October 1 [1 favorite]

I agree with everyone here who said she was into you, then wasn't. Perfectly normal.

To avoid this in the future, I wouldn't do so many group activities. I'd ask the girl out on a date, specifically a date, not just hanging out, and go out one-on-one.

Although not to sure how this could come up in the future since it's a pretty specific situation being your roommate's girlfriend's friend. Maybe she has more friends.
posted by VC Drake at 9:43 AM on October 1

Move on. If you want, you might let word get to her through back-channels that you'd be open to seeing her again, but the ball's in her court.
posted by adamrice at 10:27 AM on October 1

You should've kissed her. Just because she's a virgin doesn't mean she doesn't like kissing. And because you didn't, she's thinking "well maybe I shouldn't act like I'm interested in him because he might not be interested in me if he didn't make a move." Or maybe she stopped being interested in you, either for absolutely no reason, or because you didn't make a move. The awkwardness of not knowing how close to sit next to you plus the pressure of wondering how relationshippy to act because you're always hanging out with a couple probably made her lose interest in the situtation as well.

Lesson: Next time you're on the couch canoodling, kiss the girl.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 11:24 AM on October 1 [4 favorites]

Call her and ask her out on a one on one date; she'll say yes.

My understanding of the post is that he did ask, and she said no.

I've tried to set something up two or three times since then, and have gotten the usual passive-aggressive vagueries

So, yeah, she changed her mind. Happens.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:04 PM on October 1

Echoing the "you should have kissed her" chorus.

Unless she's either *extremely* emotionally reserved, or comes from a *very* conservative culture, (and you will probably figure this out right away because this not very common in this day and age and place), if you're at the canoodling stage, you should be at the kissing stage as well. Making out has far, far less emotional significance than having sex (I speak as my-22-year-old-virgin-self). But I have to applaud you for being a nice person and not pushing her boundaries.
posted by moiraine at 12:44 PM on October 1

What does "passive-aggressive vagueries" mean? Is she being mean and sarcastic about not wanting to hang out with you?

"Everyone was mystified"? How the hell is it "everyone's" business? You heard from someone else that she was a virgin and changed your actions accordingly? Holy cow, your social scene sounds like a drama factory and in her shoes I'd be out of there like a shot.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:46 AM on October 2 [1 favorite]

nthing "you should have kissed her." that alone would be enough to kill a new-born crush on a guy i'd spent a long time with one-on-one, flirting. it would turn me off.
posted by anthropomorphic at 11:56 AM on October 3