I don't want to be the wicked stepmother!

September 30, 2009 8:21 PM

I am jealous of my boyfriend's adult daughter. We would like to get married, but I feel I need to find a way to cope with this feeling before the relationship gets any deeper.

I really cannot fathom why I am jealous. He's not abnormally close to her; and when I first met him (about 3 years ago) she was still in college and in that phase that many young adults go through where they only call their parents when they need/want something. He doesn't neglect me for her....she is a little on the spoiled side (in my view, but then again, I was on my own at 17) but it's really nothing extreme. I've read horror stories about adult kids in their 30's and 40's still manipulating their fathers for money years after a divorce, but I don't see that happening in this situation. He has the ability to say No and set boundaries and I've seen a noticeable improvement in the way she treats him since she graduated college and moved away in the last year or so.

I've only really had a couple direct interactions with her. One was where I invited her to my house once for dinner and got a kind of vague, "I don't know...I think I have plans" and one other time was a bit more confrontational and she accused her dad of paying more attention to me than to her. So apparently the feeling was mutual. Since that time I havent' really talked to her and feel extremely uncomfortable around her. When she visits with her dad I just make other plans and let them be together. I figure that's what I would want if I were in her shoes.

When he is with her, I get very insecure and obsess that she will convince him that he should leave me. She is extremely pretty, and went to college and has a wonderful boyfriend who dotes on her and spoils her, they both have good jobs and a nice home....so I guess I feel inadequate compared to her and feel like she will point this out to her dad. Her parents marriage was pretty traditional. They were married for over 20 years, were churchgoing, had a typical suburban life, etc. His wife didn't have a career and was pretty dependent... Whereas I was on my own at 17, became a single mother really young, and have had a lot of struggles in my life and have had to overcome a lot to survive. I'm also quite a bit younger than him; I'm in my 30's, he's in his 50's. So part of it is definitely feeling that I won't fit in or be accepted/approved of....

I feel really bad about feeling this way. I want to find a way to relate to this girl but instead I find myself being very negative in regards to her, and interpreting things he tells me about her in the worst possible light. I know that is unfair but i can't help it and feel terribly guilty.

If there is anyone out there who's had a similiar experience and felt the same way, I would appreciate any advice you could give, especially if you able to overcome it and feel more comfortable in the situation.

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

How about inviting her out for lunch, just the two of you? You could be semi-honest with her (without revealing that you're jealous) and say something along the lines of "I feel like we haven't started off on the best footing, but we both love your dad and I know your dad loves you very much, and I'd like for us to get to know each other better."

If she agrees to go out with you, be as cheerful and open and friendly as you can be. Let her get to know you as a person rather than just a generic "threat" who will compete with her for her dad's affection. Hopefully that will help to break the ice, but ultimately she's an adult and she has her own life, and it's up to her to either accept you or not accept you. Ultimately, though, you can't control her feelings, and you can't let her control yours, and you have to be able to move forward with her dad either way.
posted by amyms at 8:47 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

Your base problem is not with the girl, but with your self-esteem and self-perceptions. These are not rational fears you are speaking of; you actually realize that you are not seeking advice on how to 'talk her out of convincing him to leave you', or other such relationship conflicts.

Therapy. It's not just for the deeply troubled; it's for people who need help loving themselves as much as they deserve. Like you.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:53 PM on September 30 [9 favorites]

In addition to what IAmBroom wrote above, I think the age difference, that you are closer in age to her than him, is affecting your thoughts and an issue for you to work through in therapy.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:57 PM on September 30 [3 favorites]

My advice is do not feel bad about having feelings of jealousy. They're built in, not a malfunction. That's not to say you need engage the feelings. Don't try to convince yourself they are not true--just allow yourself to feel them while understanding that your feelings are not a measurement of reality and do not give you the ability to see the future or read minds. It is just a momentary jarring of your fear system due to it being set on "very sensitive" because you were in a bad situation when you were younger. Think of it as a fire alarm that is likely a false alarm. You can verify if there's a problem by stating how you feel to her when you take the dinner reccomendation above. Not angrily, but: "Sometimes I feel irrationally afraid you are going to disrupt my relationship because of that thing you said that one time. It was a small thing but I can be sensitive sometimes. So I asked you out to find out more about you. let you know about me and to try to be your friend, because I like you."
posted by Ironmouth at 8:58 PM on September 30

say something along the lines of "I feel like we haven't started off on the best footing, but we both love your dad and I know your dad loves you very much, and I'd like for us to get to know each other better."
-----
You can verify if there's a problem by stating how you feel to her when you take the dinner reccomendation above. Not angrily, but: "Sometimes I feel irrationally afraid you are going to disrupt my relationship because of that thing you said that one time. It was a small thing but I can be sensitive sometimes. So I asked you out to find out more about you. let you know about me and to try to be your friend, because I like you."

I think it's a terrible idea to replay past events or dump your baggage at the feet of your boyfriend's daughter. This is not how friendships are built, not with anyone, much less the child of the man you want to marry Can you try to build some time for the three of you into her visits? Do fun stuff- go to dinner, go to parks, go see a show, whatever. If you build enough positive stuff into your relationship, the negative stuff will get pushed out of the frame.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:07 PM on September 30 [8 favorites]

Many children of divorce, even older adolescents and young adults, have difficulty accepting the new partners of their parents. You could be the perfect match for him and a wonderful human being in many ways, but you're still someone new and different, and that can be hard to adjust to for a young person just recently out of the nest.

The obsessing about her convincing him to leave you is what needs work. To me that seems a very unlikely prospect, regardless of how cool things are between you and her. Do you really think this three-year relationship could be threatened by her nay-saying it? That to me suggests some deeper insecurity, though my complete lack of credentials makes me stop there and not try to guess what the insecurity might be. If this hunch about insecurity is in the ballpark, perhaps looking at the life experiences you talk about ('a lot of struggles in your life') might be a starting point to finding some of the sources of that insecurity. Once the sources are found you can acknowledge the fact that these anxious feelings have some causes that are external to your relationship with her, and realize that this is more about your thoughts than her actions.

Another thing to consider: How did you feel when you started to go out with him, regarding fitting in with him or being accepted, before you knew about his daughter? I ask because you used those words when talking about fitting in with her. Could this be an echo of doubts you had about fitting in with him? Related to how many things in your life have been struggles, and worrying that the struggle to win him is somehow still not over?

(That's enough armchair psych. for today; hopefully I was able to say something sensible in all this that helps you.)
posted by Hardcore Poser at 9:13 PM on September 30

Oh, and by 'how cool things are between you and her,' I meant to say 'chilly' or 'frosty.' Poor choice of words.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 9:15 PM on September 30

If she is an adult, and you're an adult, what kind of relationship are you expecting to have?

My point is, even if you marry your boyfriend, you'll never really be her step-mother (except in technical terms). You'll be her dad's wife. That's just how it is when parents of adults get remarried (at least it was for me). It isn't like you're going to participate in raising her at all. She's grown. If she has qualms about you, let her be. Don't try and force a relationship where there need not be much of one (she already has a mom who raised her and is her go-to person for that role).

I disagree with posters who say that you should ask her out to talk. If my now-step-mom had done this, I would have politely declined. I have very little to say to her beyond vague niceties. I am just glad my dad has found someone who he can be happy with. (The same can be said for my mom and her boyfriend.) My dad's wife is in a relationship with my dad, not me. My mom's boyfriend is in a relationship with her, not me.

As the years go by, as she grows up and knows that you're not going anywhere, things will probably begin to soften between you. She'll probably become happy that her dad is happy. I doubt you will ever be buddies though.

Your question seems to reflect your desire for her approval, her blessing on y'all's relationship. If you love him, and he love's you, it seems that that is what really matters. She is off establishing her own life. You have every right to establish yours, without her approval.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 9:39 PM on September 30 [7 favorites]

You are the girlfriend I wish (in hindsight) my dad had married, vs. the one he did.

The one my dad married cut me and my brother out of his life within 4 years. Our biological mom & dad had been married for 20 years. In other words... step-mom accomplished no small feat.

Do you love this man? Despite your jealousy, do you feel you can be an exemplary step-mom?

If so, proceed with confidence.

Whatever you're thinking, the fact that you are posing this question tells me you are of superior ilk.

Best.
posted by jbenben at 9:42 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

Any insecurities or issues you are sensing between her and her dad are about her and her dad, not about you. I have not been in your shoes, but I have been in *her* shoes, and honestly, I spent much more time angsting about my dad than about his partner, and trying to work things out with *him.* I promise you, she has spared very little time or energy thinking about you relative to what you have probably spent worrying/thinking about her!

It's not like she lives with you and you are seeing her all the time. She has her own life. He sounds a lot like my dad, generation-wise and in terms of not perhaps doing/expecting much as regards the relationship. I went through a phase of wanting more from my dad (not regarding money, so much as wanting to feel like a priority in his life) before I finally a) recognized that he is who he is and stopped beating my head against the wall about it and b) realized that I have my own life and that I had better things to do (as, apparently, did he) than sit by the phone waiting for a phone call. I see him every six weeks or so when some pretense to call presents itself (holidays are great for this; we are Jewish, so there are a ton of them) and (less frequently) he rouses himself to call me. Sometimes, I meet him for coffee on our way home from our mutual workplaces. Other times, he invites me for Sunday brunch. I seldom see him more frequently than every six weeks or so.

So, if you are truly uncomfortable with her, perhaps it will put it in perspective to really think about a) how often you'll see her and b) how often HE sees her and realize that it is an infinitesimal percentage of your total time together. If she knows you're sensitive about it, either through you talking to her as others suggest, or through him doing it, she may back off a little. I was close-ish to my stepmom as a kid, but she's gotten a little frostier as she's gotten older, and she can be very defensive if she senses I am criticizing or being in any way passive-aggressive with my father. I have learned to simply lay low and keep my mouth shut. When I go over, we are both polite and we make small talk about movies, work, school etc. and everyone has a nice time, then I go home and that's it. It's really not that hard to be decent about the whole thing.
posted by JoannaC at 9:44 PM on September 30

Johnny Gunn had a very good point but I'd like to elaborate on it. From what you've described here you're having a fundamentally difficult time understanding and relating (and vice versa for your boyfriends daughter) to your potential step daughter. You're technically closer in age and share a gender to her then said boyfriend, so on the surface you should relate to her more easily.

In my eyes the issue can be broken down into three parts. The first is that by dating her father (and being close to her in age) you intrinsically make her uncomfortable and cause her to be a little catty on time issues.

The second is that you've both lived very different lives. From what you've said here you come across as slightly prideful about surviving on your own at an early age. You also seem dismissive of your potential step daughter and her life's accomplishments. I can't tell if she actually deserves what she has, but my life has told me that few schools are breeze easy and work is normally work.

And the last thing I see is the clash between you're self doubts (am I good enough, will he notice I'm good enough, can she convince her I'm good enough) and your knowledge of your own personal worth. I don't know you and can only go off what you've written, but you sound like you know your shit and have figured out at least the fundamentals of life.At the same time, your step daughters has you questioning yourself (and I'm willing to bet the reverse is true, I know I'd ask myself if I could be a parent close to 17).

hope that helps
posted by RawrGulMuffins at 11:41 PM on September 30

My father's in a very similar situation in that his girlfriend is closer to me in age than to him. To be honest, yeah, I resent her a little bit because the age gap bothers me. However, his life is his life, and I would never try to manipulate his relationships and I expect him to afford me the same respect.

Here's the caveat: this implicit hands-off understanding lasts only so long as the girlfriend does not try to insinuate herself into my life. She has to realize that by simple virtue of no longer being home, I have neither incentive nor time to become buddy-buddy with her. She can be great for my dad, and I'd be happy for them, but any relationship between her and I has to be strictly organic. My dad's girlfriend and I are just wholly different people, so for her to force a relationship just because she happens to be dating my dad would be a huge turn-off, and I would think she was trying to insert herself into my existing family unit more than she has a right to.

This has very little to do with the girlfriend, and very little to do with you. It's just the nature of the situation. She's grown, and she has her own life. Leaving them alone, in my opinion, is a great step for you to take.

On the flipside, also realize that contrary to an adolescent still living with her dad, she has far fewer stakes in your relationship. Your constant presence doesn't make you a de-facto stepmom and if things go sour between you it has little impact on her. Having fewer stakes in your relationship also means she has a lot less.. clout in terms badmouthing you. If she were actively affected by you on a daily basis, her dad might take her concerns into account. If she sees him rarely and you even more rarely, what right does she have to complain about another adult's relationship?

The thing you'd need to then look at is why you think this man you love would be willing to throw away three years' emotional investment based on the opinion of someone who has met you but a few times and definitely does not know you, at all. When he talks about his daughter, is there anything in his language that suggests doubt? I feel this is more an issue of insecurity about the relationship itself projected onto the daughter because she's the easiest target. Have you tried talking to him about it, and explaining that you worry his daughter won't be accepting of you based on reasons A, B, and C, and that you hope sincerely it won't present an obstacle to the relationship? He's probably pretty aware of any potential conflict between the two of you, and he'd be in the best position to set your mind at ease. Communicate!

And good luck. I don't like my dad's girlfriend, but I get that it's not easy for her, either, and I would not want to make her life more difficult than it already is.
posted by Phire at 11:45 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

seconding whimsicalnymph: I don't really like my father's partner, but I'm glad they're happy. I don't want to be her friend, and I don't really like spending time with her. We are very different people.

This is something that just is, I think. I don't know if it is something you can really change. Sometimes people just don't get along.

What you can change is your self-confidence, this man loves you. Your marriage will be great.
posted by wingless_angel at 2:23 AM on October 1

You really can't get past this without actually somehow spending time with her. Right now both of you are just shadowy black blobs to each other. You can project anything on to her. It's possible that you're also a little jealous of her youth and prettiness, maybe?

At any rate, there's nothing like distance and a big void to make other people seem like people you dislike, because they think you dislike them, and it's a big social thing that folds in on itself. That's why you get all these weird grudges in corporations where everybody hates the guys in IT they've never met hundreds of miles away who they only communicate with by web form.

People need face to face human experiences to develop a liking for each other. But the good news is, it's really hard to dislike most people once you really, truly, get to know them.

Start small, work on seeing her more frequently, shoot her an email of stuff you and her dad saw on a hike or whatever, don't worry about her liking you. Then go bigger, like a quick coffee, lunch. Work up to higher stakes things. Make a plan, stick to it, don't worry about her end.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:47 AM on October 1

. . . she is a little on the spoiled side . . . I've read horror stories about adult kids in their 30's and 40's still manipulating their fathers for money years after a divorce

In spite of an amicable divorce, my ex has given our daughter very little of his time since he remarried and then had two more children. One of the few reassurances she has that he still loves her has been that he has diligently helped to financially support her and has been generous at birthday and Christmas time.

If your boyfriend's daughter seems a little spoiled, it may be for similar reasons. If she has been taught that money is love, then she may just naturally seek out the former to convince herself of the latter. Just some perspective.

She's a grown woman with a boyfriend, a good job and a home. My guess is that she doesn't have a lot of time to spend on undermining your relationship with her dad. And she probably does not have as much influence over his choices as you fear.

You say "we would like to get married." Sounds like you're both on the same page. Don't let your insecurities damage your relationship in some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I think if you focus on cultivating a cordial, non-parental relationship with her, you'll be moving in the right direction.
posted by contrariwise at 3:20 AM on October 1 [2 favorites]

The book "Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do," by Wednesday Martin, might be of help in understanding your reaction to her.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:37 AM on October 1

I really cannot fathom why I am jealous.

Maybe your boyfriend's daughter simply represents so many of the things that you didn't have: loving, supportive parents (since you've been on your own since you were 17, I'm assuming there were problems with your family in terms of loss, neglect, abuse or incompatibility); a loving, supportive partner while you struggled as a single mother; college; good job; beautiful home - a lot of things that you missed out on at her age. If so, I don't think it's extraordinary that you feel the way you do... we tend to feel more envious (and I bet this is really more envy, than jealousy about your boyfriend's love and affection) of people who are within our everyday sphere, like relatives, neighbors, co-workers, because it's easier to compare our to lives to theirs in a tangible way, as opposed to some celebrity debutante or super rich mogul. It's easier to think "that's what I could have had if only my life had zigged there instead of zagged here."

The fact that she's your boyfriend's daughter just adds a bit more pungency to the green brew because it seems to accentuate what I suspect you feel is your "outsider" status in the family, which in turn feels threatening. So. You aren't crazy, your feelings are not abnormal at all in this view... but you are certainly right that they could be damaging if left unchecked.

If you can understand why you might have natural feelings of jealousy simply about the circumstances of her life compared to yours, but realize that it really has very little to do with her as a person, or your boyfriend's behavior, perhaps it might be easier to deal with and ultimately overcome them. And in the meanwhile, take the attitude that since he doesn't inappropriately draw his daughter into your life as a couple, or seem over-concerned about her (and it sounds as though he doesn't), why should you? In time you and daughter will likely become friends, but realize that she also has her own feelings of being threatened by you, so it's not something you can accelerate. So, 1) Let it go, 2) practice patience and acceptance, and 3) see #1.

Finally, I don't see see any positives at all in discussing this with your boyfriend at this point, honestly. Making him feel guilty or furtive about talking or spending time with his daughter would be unfair to him, and can't help you one little bit. At best, it might only introduce unnecessary awkwardness and complications into all three relationships, and at worst it could lead him to feel as though he has to choose between the two of you - which is exactly what you don't want. Don't court what you don't want. If you need to talk it out to work things through, I totally agree with others who are suggesting a therapist.
posted by taz at 5:52 AM on October 1 [4 favorites]

I would be curious to hear whether the people suggesting that this woman spend one-on-one time with her boyfriend's daughter have ever actually been in this situation as the daughter. If so, I apologize, but my suspicion is that most have not.

I have. My father's now-wife tried this with me and my siblings when they first started dating. It backfired horribly. It made me intensely uncomfortable, and it definitely didn't put her more at ease. The end result of her meddling was that none of us liked her, only one sister attended their wedding, and no one has been home for Christmas in several years.

You are not a member of her family. While you may someday be her father's wife, I agree with those who have said that only in the most technical sense will you be her stepmother. She's an adult, and she may simply not be interested in you. But you've actually given no evidence about the way she feels about you; the only facts you've given us are about your feelings about yourself and about her, which she has no control over.

Bottom line: unless she's actively rude to you (in which case you should ask her father to speak with her), this is your problem. I agree with the recommendation for therapy, since it sounds like you'd benefit from talking out several issues that have bothered you since before you met this man and his daughter.
posted by decathecting at 6:16 AM on October 1

I think you are being pretty judgmental, and hope that jealousy is clouding your judgment of this girl. You don't know what kind of a man your partner was to her growing up. It is not your place to judge, knowing the kind of man he is now in romantic situations, whether or not his daughter turned out properly.

The thing is, you might be his new wife, but she is his DAUGHTER. She is MORE IMPORTANT than you. All those horror stories about children manipulating their divorced parents? Who cares! That has nothing to do with you unless your own parents are divorced and you need money. Your concern over this makes it seem like you want to replace a grown man's daughter and take all his money. How is that better than his grown daughter benefiting from some help along the way?

I don't think it's a good idea to try and force friendship on this girl--you've already tried and she isn't interested. Additionally, your intentions aren't good. I would hash this out in therapy.
posted by shownomercy at 8:59 AM on October 1

You're in your 30s and he's in his 50s. So your age difference can be anywhere from ~29 yrs. down to about twelve. Depending on where along that range you lie, you could simply be having a pseudo-sibling rivalry. I'm no psychotherapist, but I'd venture a guess that if you were in your 50's, too, these issues, well, wouldn't be issues...
posted by teg4rvn at 9:19 AM on October 1

I think it's really honourable and intelligent of you to recognise this problem as being a product of your perception of the young woman, and not in actual fact anything that the young women has done (or your boyfriend has done).

In my experience and research, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), where you look at the sentences you speak to yourself in your head and argue with them or correct them, is very effective, and has been proven to be clinically extremely effective. I wonder if this route would work for you?

There are some excellent and inexpensive books that might help you with your problem and allow you to tame your reactions. I recommend the work of John Gottman, who is known for studying marriages, but has written a book called The Relationship Cure, which focuses on all relationships. One of the classic CBT texts is Thoughts and Feelings.

This will probably take some time and care, but in the long-term may be quite effective. It seems like such an important issue in your life and hopefully will be worth the work! Good luck!
posted by adamfaux at 12:03 PM on October 1

When she visits with her dad I just make other plans and let them be together.

That's perfect. She's still learning a lot about life and needs her Dad to be there for her. I doubt it has any impact on his feelings for you. He probably sees her as a child and not his confidante. I'd give her all the space she needs and then I'd give him some free time too to digest it all.
posted by MiffyCLB at 5:04 PM on October 1

anon...I can identify. I am now in my late 50's and I have had two husbands. Both of them older than me..both of them with beautiful daughters. When I met those daughters I was in awe of how physically attractive they were. It is a typical "woman-thing" to make comparisons and I came up very short.

Both of my "step daughters" are quite unaffected by their looks and accomplishments. They are quality people and it sounds like your husband to be's daughter is a decent sort too. My recommendation is to just let the chips fall where they may. It is going to be a long while before you and she can know one another and even then it is unlikely that you will form some fantastic bond.

It is alright and honest to have the feelings you are having...we women are taught from an early age to compete against one another for the attention of men. Unfortunate, as that is. Someday you will both be much more used to one another and this feeling of competitiveness will ease up a lot.

Just try to be as warm as you can around her..be genuinely interested in her life and always make a slight fuss over her if you can. You know..not super gushy but act like you are sincerely happy to see her. You'll never be close--but you both love the same man and in that way that is your "common ground".
posted by naplesyellow at 8:55 PM on October 1