Help me come up with quirky ideas for improbable porn flicks!

September 30, 2009 8:00 PM

I am thinking of making some quirky, amateur porn that straddles the borderline between porn and art. My first flick is going to be a half-hour of this naked girl giving herself hickeys all over her body - wherever her mouth can reach. Help me brainstorm other ideas for porn you always wanted to see, but was never available. Outlandish porn that should be made, but would never be economically viable. Improbable porn that wouldn't necessarily get you off, but is sexy to know it exists.
posted by Sully to media & arts (54 answers total)

a man, fresh from the shower, drying himself off with a small hair dryer.
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 8:08 PM on September 30, 2009

Huge live escargot covering some nekkid big girl. laying on or wrapped in seaweed.
posted by hortense at 8:12 PM on September 30, 2009

This would be a good example of where anonymous comments could come in handy.

One person shaving another - badger hair brush, lots of soap. Shaved head to toe.

Genders really wouldn't matter, but one could make a short series by mixing and matching.
posted by device55 at 8:14 PM on September 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

It is easy to find porn with farm animals, but impossible to find porn with zoo animals. In particular, zebras.
posted by little e at 8:14 PM on September 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

A naked couple surfing MetaFilter.

_{greatest AskMe post ever}
posted by zer0render at 8:18 PM on September 30, 2009

I am sure robot porn already exists somewhere, but... robot porn. Perhaps dudes and ladies wearing nothing but tinfoil and pipecleaner antennas and cardboard boxes with little knobs drawn on them. At the end, they learn how to love.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:26 PM on September 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

A stereotypical comic nerd looking man is lying on a bed, rubbing issues of the Spider-Man clone saga all over himself as stares at a Rococo style painting, while a beautiful naked woman sits besides him reading The Economist, but the issue is upside indicating that she's not actually reading it.

As the camera slowly pulls back, you see the guy's father sitting in a rocking chair, dressed traditional 50s female garb, knitting as he hums to himself and occasionally looks over the happy couple and nods approvingly.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:26 PM on September 30, 2009 [11 favorites]

I was just having a discussion about this very topic with a coworker of mine the other day. This is his bizarre porn idea: Naked woman (I think she should be wearing a frilly sheer apron, myself) making pancakes. Porn style closeups of the ingredients, the process, the pancakes on the plate, the syrup being poured over the pancakes, etc. Then she sits on the (fairly tall) stack of pancakes and a dude dives in face first.

Jason and Laszlo - Listen to this podcast for a hysterical story of Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller doing just that.
posted by mollymayhem at 8:28 PM on September 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

A slow, sensual back (or front) shaving scene followed by the attachment of many, many, strong, hooked suction cups to the freshly shaved flesh. Then, intricate knotwork and/or japanese bondage involving only the hooks. This will be followed up with suspension of no less than 6 feet from the the floor. I'm pretty serious about this and I have never been able to get anyone to do this for me. Suction cups = hawt.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:31 PM on September 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh and! I was talking with one of my friends the other day about It Wasn't Me and we decided that the video would have been much better if the action matched the lyrics: the guy and his mistress in flagrante delicto on the counter, on the sofa, in the shower, &c. with Disapproving Girlfriend standing over them in every single scene, arms crossed, waiting for them to finish. This totally totally needs to be made.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:38 PM on September 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

Fade into darkened bedroom, strategically light from outside. Two men are talking and it's clear from their positions they're are or are about to have anal sex. The receiver appears to be hesitant, the camera slowly gets in closer and moves around until you see their faces. It's then that you see it's a Michael Bay look a like who's receiving and the giver is your stereotypical male nerd who lives in his mom's basement. There is dirty talk.

Nerd: Who's been a bad director?

MB Look a like: Oh, I have.

Nerd: That's right, you have, you dirty little hack? You know what I'm gonna do now?

MBLaL: What?

Nerd: I'm gonna read the (sub in basic film textbook) and fuck you like you've fucked film all this years

MBLaL: Yes, I've been a bad, bad director

and so on and so on....
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:41 PM on September 30, 2009

It is easy to find porn with farm animals, but impossible to find porn with zoo animals. In particular, zebras.

Or giraffes. You could make Deep Throat II.
posted by atrazine at 8:49 PM on September 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

This is kinda chatfilter, dude, especially with the responses you've been getting.
posted by klangklangston at 8:56 PM on September 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Reverse bukkake.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:07 PM on September 30, 2009

> Reverse bukkake.

Girls squirting on guys, or...?
posted by loquacious at 9:10 PM on September 30, 2009

Klangklangston - you are right. I just went looking for the Chatfilter tab, but couldn't find it. But dug some more and discovered that Chatfilter wasn't a section of Metafilter, but rather a particular TYPE of question that is frowned upon here.

Forgive me. I think i was excited about embarking on my new porn career and wanted to get a sense of what was missing in the porn industry, so that I could hope to fill it. Perhaps what I should have asked was, "I am looking to fill that particular gap between mainstream porn and art but am out of ideas as to what particular types of scenarios might represent that space. Please offer recommendations of alternatives to the classic porn tropes of like, plumber comes to house and is seduced by bored housewife. What new scenario could venture into that more artsy and quirky realm?"
posted by Sully at 9:13 PM on September 30, 2009

Inverse bukkake.
posted by ob at 9:17 PM on September 30, 2009

> Girls squirting on guys, or...?

Well, bukkake is usually many, many guys ejaculating on a single girl. Reverse that with ejaculating females and a single guy and I'd be tempted to call it art. It would certainly be artful to execute.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:19 PM on September 30, 2009

1) I want honest to god library porn.

Like, with books. Where they're reading to each other from the Story of O or the diaries of Anais Nin. I'll even take The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.

Bonus points for lesbianism/lesbian interest and/or the passionate appreciation for the scent of old books.

2) Real nerd porn. Involving building computers, coding, compiling kernels and making out.

Or grads or postgrads doing work or research. May or may not involve labcoats. Bonus points for shoving a bunch of glassware off a lab bench and fake smokey or pyrotechnic chemical accidents while passions ignite on the stone counter.

Or someone "breaking cleanroom protocols". Bonus points for the passionate rending asunder of Tyvek bunnysuits.

Or a tabletop RPG that turns into an orgy.

Or video games. Say, going for the high score on Ms. Pac-Man on a coin-op while someone tries to distract the player with sex. Or the inappropriate use of force-feedback controllers.

3) B-movie porn adaptations. Go wild. Hands of Manos, anyone?
posted by loquacious at 9:21 PM on September 30, 2009 [8 favorites]

loquacious - there's no reading out loud, but ifeelmyself.com has a girl in a library getting herself off while reading and abbywinters.com has a lesbian threesome in amongst the stacks.
posted by nadawi at 9:26 PM on September 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, in the gender reversal realm, the tired standard "pull some random girl into the van and offer her some laughable amount of money to have sex and suddenly she's nothing but a rag doll, spreading pink around a thong and all that with the runny mascara" would be fun to try with commercially-inflected demeaning of a dude.

Also, clowns or latex zentais fucking with those long skinny balloons, and the fuckee blowing them up as fast as they can.

Also, people in Hillary and Barack masks fucking while reciting a presidential debate verbatim. The moderator should be portrayed by a melting triple-scoop ice cream cone perched in some third party's orifice, talking in voiceover. I can't decide on the style of the voiceover.

Also, an orgy of people bedecked in unwieldy amounds of beads: bracelets, necklaces, bells.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:27 PM on September 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

I like this question enough that I'm breaking my self-imposed posting haitus.

Seriously, most porn sucks. I'd love to see more stuff like Tipping the Velvet, or, say, something as artistic and visually stunning as the original Emmanuelle (without the weird antifeminist politics/nymphomania crap).

Or anything that isn't as harshly lit and as clinical as a dental office. Something with a plot and closer to real film, artistic/creative lighting, good pacing and story and less "here's a bunch of harsh lights and way too close closeups of improbable genitals in improbable positions".

It doesn't even have to be quirky. Quirky can be too weird if not handled well. No jello or space aliens popping balloons is really required. I mean, you could do quirky like Benny and Joon or Even Cowboys Get The Blues or Bjork-grade quirky and maybe pull it off, but don't make it a gimmick.
posted by loquacious at 9:28 PM on September 30, 2009

Mac Geek porn. Spankings with an MB air, an iPhone wedged in the mouth, wet, lubey squirting atop a pile of open macbooks.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:29 PM on September 30, 2009

People fucking in the vicinity of a lot of really nasty garbage, asking all the while about the horrible smell and making disgusted faces.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:30 PM on September 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

*cut to the tuna sandwich covered in maggots*
*cut back to glistening anus*
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:31 PM on September 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

> borderline between porn and art.

Hmm. loquacious is describing what I'd think of as boutique porn, the kind of thing you can already find here, for example. I, and others, have a different idea of "art" and it isn't about realistic situations, satin gloves and coiffures or good writing or romance. Art is transgressive of the parameters of the media it resembles. Beyond quirky.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:44 PM on September 30, 2009

naked Sartre.
posted by ihope at 10:08 PM on September 30, 2009

I always thought an untapped market would be people staring at each other with that really sexy omg I wanna **** you gaze and lots of making out and heavy petting...real passion...that's hot ...you could vary the places and the lighting and talk about inexpensive...also the looks on peoples faces and the sounds they make are extremely powerful and always overlooked in standard industry porn...errr I'm not sure how I know that.
posted by gypseefire at 10:29 PM on September 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

A mock "Home Makeover" show (the kind you find on cable channels like Home & Garden) where the cast & crew seriously critique and then redecorate a house. Except people are fucking or doing odd sex acts on the furniture or floor while the cast of the show ignore them. Or, perhaps, treat the people engaged in sex acts as furniture to be re-arranged and/or replaced. Maybe the "before" house could feature unattractive people having awkward sex, but the "after" house has attractive people engaged in passionate love-making.
posted by mullacc at 10:57 PM on September 30, 2009

Also, in the gender reversal realm, the tired standard "pull some random girl into the van and offer her some laughable amount of money to have sex and suddenly she's nothing but a rag doll, spreading pink around a thong and all that with the runny mascara" would be fun to try with commercially-inflected demeaning of a dude.

This has been done, at least in a gay porn context — you know, straight-dude-goes-gay-for-pay porn scenarios that end up with the ostensibly straight dude all enthusiastically sprawled out in the middle of an orgy just letting everyone have their way with him. Now, women turning a guy into a sexual commodity like that would be new (and way hot) as far as I can tell.

Sort of in the opposite direction from that, what I want to see is BDSM porn that's about glorifying submissives instead of humiliating them. There's this weird disconnect between the sort of goggle-eyed awe that a lot of real-world tops have for the subs they play with ("Really? You like it when I hit you that hard? Holy crap, you're so awesome!") and the suck-it-you-worthless-jizz-rag attitude that most BDSM porn conveys. I mean, humiliation's hot and all, but there's other things, you know?
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:16 PM on September 30, 2009

Photograph only the computer, sitting there. Everything else depends on sound. Heavy breathing, moans, the usual. And the sound of typing. Maybe some sort of 'ding' sound to indicate a response from the chat. As things get hotter, the typed responses become shorter. Each incoming message results in intensified pleasure sounds from the person off camera. Perhaps, at climax, a keyboard and/or mouse come crashing to the floor, next to the computer.
posted by Goofyy at 11:29 PM on September 30, 2009

You know the bear blowjob scene in The Shining? That seems like a perfect bit of strange pornographic art to me, particularly because of the context.

It's been tried, but it's never been done well: the porn musical. I'd like to see something really fantastic porn with Fosse-inspired dance moves and scenery. And amazing singing. With songwriting by Kander and Ebb. Or something Busby Berkeley-esque. Naked people wearing top hats and dance shoes, holding canes, dancing on a staircase in a magnificent v formation.

Also, slash porn might not be feasible, but it would make a bundle. Hire Rupert Grint and Emma Watson to do some extra scenes together, web only. Be sure to observe all the conventions of HP canon.
posted by brina at 11:31 PM on September 30, 2009

(nebulawindphone: this already exists. I'm MeMailing you.)
posted by brina at 11:32 PM on September 30, 2009

I'd like to see really really enthusiastic, orgasmic porn with an actress who can really sell blissfully fucking a really shitty, raggedy fuckdoll in every possible way. They could start out having a tea party or something. Touching conversation, moving the hand up her own leg, against her cheek, into her mouth. Lots of cuddling, they love each other so. Maybe there could be a doll-penis inflation segment. How lovingly she would pretend to make the fake penis erect with strokes, as she fills it with hot water or air or sand or wahtever. Here, I'm thinking the doll doesn't move or anything. Sawdust stuffing spilling out of seams and flaking, stained cyberskin lips, a real horror of shoddy craftsmanship the likes of which you wouldn't find in any self-respecting psycho's cellar, and the richest lovemaking you ever saw.

HOWEVER, the really uncanny valley option, where the doll is a marionette manipulated out of frame, and has emotionally authentic dialogue and head movements to match could be awesome too. He should be called something really natural and boyfriendy, like Jacob or Dylan.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:12 AM on October 1, 2009

It's probably been done, but an American Idol style talent show could be worth watching if the Simon Cowell character was correctly sarcastic and judgmental.

Also, Nadawi has the best bookmarks ever.
posted by rokusan at 12:26 AM on October 1, 2009

wet, lubey squirting atop a pile of open macbooks.

That would totally void your AppleCare... baby.
posted by rokusan at 12:26 AM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Henry Kissinger-look alike getting pegged by a bunch of Vietnamese girls with birth defects, then executed for war crimes by a bunch of USSR femmes fatales.
posted by Damn That Television at 1:50 AM on October 1, 2009 [4 favorites]

You might find inspiration in Nightdreams (trailer), which tries to do what it sounds like you want to do. More David Lynch than porn, really. Links obviously NSFW.
posted by painquale at 3:22 AM on October 1, 2009

Oh yeah, there was a scene in Ang Lee's Ice Storm where two teenagers dry hump, but the girl had on a Richard Nixon mask. You could do something similar pretty easily.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:32 AM on October 1, 2009

)) <> ((
posted by rokusan at 4:46 AM on October 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

Really fat people dancing naked under water. At night with coloured lights.
posted by bonobothegreat at 5:14 AM on October 1, 2009

Female cable repair person.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:52 AM on October 1, 2009

Papier-Mâché Slut Barrage: two chicks experimenting with handicrafts, but they've had a bit to drink, so one suggests to the other that they strip off and put papier-mâché all over one another. One would have to have glasses and probably a nipple piercing so we know she's totally alternative, but also smart and sexy.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:57 AM on October 1, 2009

Also, following on from an idea above, you should find it very easy to get your hands on a bunch of old computing gear, especially cables. The idea of a naked woman who is not Xeni Jardin writhing around in a churning mass of Cat-5 is surprisingly appealing to me.

I'm really liking the geek porn angle.

At boarding school we used to play a variation of Dungeons & Dragons called D&D-D&D (for Dirty & Debauched Dungeons & Dragons, we were like 13 so shut up). So you could have a little roleplaying group a few drinks in, the actual game they are playing is getting a little saucy ("I roll a natural 20 and your panties become instantly soaked") and it eventually moves on to heavy petting and pretty soon they're finding interesting uses for all those different dice.
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:03 AM on October 1, 2009

A boot stomping on a human face, forever.
posted by Damn That Television at 7:17 AM on October 1, 2009

A pipe organ recital of burlesque music arranged for four hands and feet, played by an appropriately minimally costumed pair of organists has a lot of visual/musical boundaries with real art, that you could explore. Perhaps a tribute to E. Power "Really" Biggs featuring a whole rank of 16 and 32 foot bass pipes, going down, down, down... A discussion of the ongoing gender disparity bias in favor of professional male organists when there is no obvious reason why female organists aren't more popular being conducted in the foreground by the pair of organists, while they play angrily, and interfere with each other. Pieces played and photographed just for feet. Pieces played and photographed just for hands. Pieces improbably played with other anatomical bits. Stops being pulled out. Windchest shots. Shots with lots of tiny, polished, tweeting treble pipes. Excited tremolo phrasing. Tremendous crashing chords and powerful, groaning discords, that grow more discordant until beat notes fairly hang in the air.

Maybe you're getting your own ideas, now.

Go nuts. Make some YouTube classics.
posted by paulsc at 8:27 AM on October 1, 2009

Midair porn: Some special effects would be needed, but you can have two porn actors running at each other, a la the intro to Ninja Gaiden. At the peak of their leaps, they'd connect - with genitals!
posted by ignignokt at 11:13 AM on October 1, 2009

Please include the following dialogue. That is porn I would pay to see.

Q: You like sex? You are a person who likes the sex acts that we are currently engaged in?
A: Yes! I am! I like sex!
Q: You like sex! In fact, you are a person who likes sex as much as a prostitute likes sex!
A: YES I LIKE SEXY SEX AS IF IT WERE MY PROFESSION!! TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT
Q: YOU ENJOY THIS ACT YOU SEXY SEX PERSON etc.
posted by gingerbeer at 4:38 PM on October 1, 2009 [5 favorites]

>...a la the intro to Ninja Gaiden

This exists. I know for a fact this exists. I can't find links right now, but I've seen this with my own eyes.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 5:36 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

This exists. I know for a fact this exists.

Yeah I've seen this too, it's some crazy-ass (Japanese? Korean?) shit. Has all those chicks in the water, yeah?
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:15 PM on October 1, 2009

Really beautiful women (clothed) dry humping objects in public. For example, on a transit bus packed with people, rubbing against a metal handrail to orgasm, trying not to have anyone else notice.
posted by blahtsk at 9:03 PM on October 1, 2009

>...a la the intro to Ninja Gaiden

This was the best quality I could find (NSFW).


I'd like to see a really good version of the Second Circle (Lust) of Dante's Inferno:

>"Those overcome by lust are punished in this circle. They are the first ones to be truly punished in Hell. These souls are blown about to and fro by a violent storm, without hope of rest. This symbolizes the power of lust to blow one about needlessly and aimlessly. In this circle, Dante sees Semiramis, Dido, Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Achilles and many others who were overcome by sensual love during their life. Dante is informed by Francesca da Rimini of how she and her husband's brother Paolo committed adultery and died a violent death at the hands of her husband (Canto V)."

The way I sort of picture it is that the violent storm is basically two massive swirling tornadoes of nude people, and the tornadoes are frequently colliding, with people slamming into each other and being dashed to the ground against hot, craggy rocks. Occasionally people will collide and cling to each other briefly in the winds, attempting to perform whatever (often brutal) sex acts they can, while they can, until they are ferociously torn from one another before either has the opportunity to copulate.
posted by Demogorgon at 9:12 PM on October 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Holy crap guys! I finally got around to watching that NSFW clip. Even knowing what is was going to be, I was like "What?!" when the mid-air merging happened. I guess Rule 34 is more real than I thought.
posted by ignignokt at 6:21 AM on October 6, 2009

About geeky porn: I remember a nsfw nmap tutorial.
posted by Pronoiac at 12:48 PM on October 11, 2009