Psychic Psychosis

September 30, 2009 2:12 PM

About a year ago on the urging of a friend who was into this sort of thing, I talked to a psychic. I was at a crossroads in my life and I was trying to make some big choices. The psychic ended up telling me a number of things which ended up happening exactly as she said. And then another thing that didn't happen. Help me with my sadness about it not happening.

I told her nothing but my name and she told me I was dating a douche bag and that I would end things (he was - I did), she told me about another relationship and that I would like his personality but not end up being with him (true - and she picked out the months when it would happen). She told me I would get a new job and told me what it would be (correctly) and then mentioned the state I would move to (correct again and across the country). This was all before I had even applied for the jobs or knew the jobs existed. She described my closest friends accurately and without my prompting.

I have a pretty open mind to these sorts of things, and I'm not interested in getting into a debate about whether she was really a psychic. She said what she said, it's certainly possible that some of it was a self fulfilling prophecy - whatever. But the problem is she also told me I would meet someone who I would have an instant attraction to and end up marrying in August of this year. You might notice that it's September, almost October. No one. No really, no one.

So I'm having trouble with this. I need to get over this and stop being attached to the idea that this is going to occur because I've gotten rather depressed about it not happening. At the time when she said this, it was enormously reassuring to hear that I'd end up in a relationship because I've had craptastic luck in the romance department and have been rather hard on myself because of it. I would say I've been struggling to be happy as a single person and unsuccessfully looking for a relationship for about five or six years now. It was really wonderful to think that I could find a great guy to have a relationship with.

I seem to have lost that hope.

I've read a lot of the ask mefi's on how to successfully be single and I feel like I do pretty well at being myself, finding people to be with, enjoying my life and living rather than pining away. I've joined dating websites and talk to people and go out and have a good life. I chose a job that was really exciting and which provides me with a nice life - but it's also in the middle of nowhere and that can be isolating. Still I've made some friends (lots of married folks) and I do get out and try things. I'm sure that has something to do with this - I've moved across the country and am in a new place with less people that I know, more time on my hands and more consciousness of how many married people I am surrounded by. It's hard.

I guess the thing is, I just can't seem to shake a sense of sadness about this psychic's prophecy not coming true. I don't know how to get past that. I know intellectually that it's not an all or nothing thing - that she could have been off by a few months and that the future still holds possibility and there are more people to meet and you never know when you'll find someone and you've just moved into your new town. Blah blah blah. It sort of seems like static after looking forward to August and having the let down of not finding someone awesome to be with.

Any suggestions on how to move on? It's an odd thing to feel let down by - but I do sort of feel like my hopes were dashed. How can I regain hope and get past this? I do want to find a partnership that would make me happy. And I'm sure being depressed about what a psychic said a year ago isn't helping me attract anyone.

Thanks mefites!

throwaway email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

Maybe she got the year wrong. These things happen.
posted by demiurge at 2:17 PM on September 30 [18 favorites]

Any suggestions on how to move on? It's an odd thing to feel let down by - but I do sort of feel like my hopes were dashed. How can I regain hope and get past this? I do want to find a partnership that would make me happy. And I'm sure being depressed about what a psychic said a year ago isn't helping me attract anyone.

Everything you mentioned was a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can't sit around and wait for someone to fall into your lap, no matter what a psychic says. If you sit around moping and being bummed that it didn't come true, then it for-fucking-sure won't happen. I predict that if you fake it - if you force yourself to re-engage in the world and ignore Madame Rita's error - everything will be fine and you'll meet someone nice.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 2:17 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

I have a pretty open mind to these sorts of things, and I'm not interested in getting into a debate about whether she was really a psychic.

An "open mind" doesn't mean accepting things without verifiable evidence. She wasn't psychic. Everything good that has happened to you has happened as a result of you and your friends and family doing the right things at the right time, not "fate". There is no reason to believe that additional good things won't accrue as you continue to put in time and effort meeting people, developing your interests, etc.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 2:18 PM on September 30 [16 favorites]

Everything good that has happened to you has happened as a result of you and your friends and family doing the right things at the right time

Exactly. You have to take responsibility for, perhaps, being complacent and counting on a great relationship falling into your lap without putting enough effort into looking. On the plus side, you get to take credit for all the cool things that have happened to you. They have, in fact, not happened to you, you made them happen. Now make this happen too.
posted by martens at 2:32 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

I have a pretty open mind to these sorts of things, and I'm not interested in getting into a debate about whether she was really a psychic.

There is no debate. She was not a psychic. Even if there is such a thing as a psychic, which there isn't, she is not an accurate psychic because

she also told me I would meet someone who I would have an instant attraction to and end up marrying in August of this year. You might notice that it's September, almost October.

So obviously her vision of your future was not correct. So why waste your time brooding about someone else's mistaken idea about your future?

It was really wonderful to think that I could find a great guy to have a relationship with.

I seem to have lost that hope.

You seem to be spelling "delusion" with too few letters here. It is not a delusion to hope and expect that you will meet someone and have a relationship with them. It is a delusion to think that someone else's mistaken prediction about your future has any connection to the likelihood of that happening at all.

Also, I refer you to the famous parable of the helicopter. If you believe in any supernatural powers at all, you must know that the gods help those who help themselves. So start helping yourself.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:34 PM on September 30 [12 favorites]

Don't lose hope! She is not a psychic, there is no such thing. No one can see the future, meaning she doesn't know what she's talking about. Which means: you didn't "miss" your destiny or anything. You still have time to find what you want and to make your life what you want.

But you need to take charge. You can't wait and wait for "fate" to happen to you, you have to do it yourself.
posted by spaltavian at 2:37 PM on September 30

Seems to me all the other predictions came true because they we something more controllable than ending up with the love of you life- that just happens when it wants to. You fulfilled the rest with your knowledge that it was a possibility, which was strengthened by this "psychic's" prediction.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that the first 3 were self-fulfilling prophecies, and the last is not so easily come by.

Start looking at this more objectively, and maybe you'll find some peace.
posted by sunshinesky at 2:40 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

Most people see a psychic for confirmation of either love or money, so her suggestions probably wouldn't have been far off no matter what they were, as long as they were within that realm. But let's say she really was psychic. Did you think that meant you didn't have to do anything? Everything else that came true happened because you did something. You broke up with douchebag, not the other way around. Doesn't matter if you hadn't applied for those jobs BEFORE she told you about them. You applied eventually. And so you got the job.

The idea that you would've gotten married within a year might have proven true as well if you'd pursued it. I imagine you did not because you thought "Hey, she said it would happen, and I don't want to foul that up by meddling!" Maybe it was supposed to happen because you did something. And that's true whether the psychic was a psychic or a gifted performance artist.

Do something about it and make the prediction come true at a later date.
posted by katillathehun at 2:41 PM on September 30

So the psychic predicted that, in less than one year, you would:

(a) Break up with your boyfriend,
(b) date another guy for a couple months
(c) find, apply for, interview for, and get another job
(d) plan and execute a cross-country move
(e) meet the love-of-your-life (did she say this was before or after moving?) and marry him

You know, maybe I'm just getting old, but that sounds like a tiring year to me. Unless she predicted that y'all would get married at city hall, you'd be planning a move, a job-change, AND a wedding all at the same time. How would you find time to fit in a couple months with this incompatible guy?

Now that you're settled in your new city and your new job, I bet you have a lot more time to get out and meet folks. Start networking through your married friends! Really invest yourself in online dating (seriously, I know so many success stories).

Basically, what everyone else says - you have put the time and energy to get a new job in a new city. You know you are physically capable of finding dudes to date - you just did it in the past year! So forget the arbitrary (and unrealistic) timeline some psychic pulled out of your aura - it's clearly just causing you stress and defeatism.
posted by muddgirl at 2:50 PM on September 30 [3 favorites]

Maybe go find another psychic who will give you a new date for meeting Mr Right. I found that when I was young and into such entertainment, the psychics always gave me new hope for an exciting love life (among other things).

(One of them was cute too, and I had a special event at my house where a bunch of friends paid to have their futures told, but I was really disappointed when he thought my ex (who I eventually reconciled with and am still with 15 years on) was my brother. I mean, hello! We don't even look alike.) Of course, thinking he was my brother should have opened up a possible relationship pathway with the psychic guy, but did I ever say I was smart?)

An alternative is to use the time to develop yourself into the person you want to be, to plan an exciting and fulfilling life with or without someone else. Betcha something good would come out of that. You might even start thinking about whether you are "the master of [your] fate, [...] the captain of [your] soul."
posted by b33j at 2:55 PM on September 30

Hearing the psychic say you'll get out of a bad relationship and into a new job can definitely be a positive thing and can help those events happen -- you'll be more motivated to act and courageous in your decisions since you think it's "in the cards", so to speak.

However, the psychic saying you'll have an "instant attraction" to someone and end up marrying them seems counter-productive to me! Now you'll subconsciously write off a ton of potential mates just because you didn't get off to a perfect start, like is "supposed to" happen. Would things have been different if the psychic had said, "Your future partner will not be 'love at first sight.' They might seem interesting to you at first, you'll take a chance on a few dates, and gradually you'll realize you really like this person and want to spend a lot of time with them."?

One way to look at the situation positively is this: Be grateful that the August deadline passed. Now you know unequivocally that the psychic's prediction was wrong. Imagine if you had met a nice person in, say, January of this year. You'd probably feel a pretty strong pressure to move things along and make the marriage happen in a short 8 months, right? I bet the long months leading up to August were unbearable as you were on red-alert trying to find that magical person who you'll be marrying soon.

Now you're free from the shackles of an August deadline, and you can give other people more of a chance. Your potential pool of partners has expanded several fold and the relationship can progress at its natural rate! Let bygones be bygones, forget this particular prediction ever happened, and I'm sure you'll find much greater success!
posted by losvedir at 3:13 PM on September 30 [3 favorites]

Do you think that maybe this psychic planted the idea in your head to apply for that marketing job in Iowa (or whatever)? That one worked out.

She also planted the idea in your head to await your husband-to-be. That one didn't work out.

Making money as a psychic means you know how to take every shred of information the person in front of you gives (verbally and nonverbally) and skillfully weave that with statistically likely, emotionally manipulative generalities. You're feeling the effect of having been emotionally manipulated. It sucks. The only solution I know if is to trust in your ability to make your own happiness and success, and to trust that you don't need an outsider's "ok" for that.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:18 PM on September 30

It was said best at the end of "The Muppet Movie": "Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending."

You get to shape your own destiny. Not some psychic, not some people on MeFi. Go out there and make your own ending a happy one.
posted by inturnaround at 3:21 PM on September 30 [12 favorites]

Goodness gracious people. The psychic predicition is not the main point here. She wants a relationship and marriage. It's like when someone tells me it's going to rain doughnuts today. I don't believe it but I'm salivating for doughnuts right now.

OP - this truly is cliche. But these things sometimes happen when you least expect it. Not much help...I know. Just wishing you luck.
posted by 7life at 3:29 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

I'd be disappointed, too, if the cosmos promised me a wonderful relationship and failed to deliver on time. (I'm not being snarky, I promise.) I do know what it's like to feel alone in a new town, and to feel incapable of finding or maintaining a good relationship; whether or not psychics are real, those feelings are absolutely real and can be very painful.

So this "you will find the love of your live in August" prediction didn't come true. That does not mean that August 31st was some sort of deadline for you to find this perfect dude or remain forever single. It's just one thing that didn't happen, not a lifelong curse. You are just as capable of love and happiness as you were two months ago, or a year ago.

It sounds like the psychic only outlined a year for you. The good news is that year is over, and you have the entire rest of your life ahead of you, unbound by worrisome prophecy, to have adventures and meet people and learn and so on. Sometimes things will fall in your lap as if by magic, sometimes you have to go out and make your own magic.

Go make your own exciting predictions for yourself, and then go out and see if you can make 'em come true. All the best to you.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:38 PM on September 30

While it is vitally important to have faith in the future, you might have dodged a bullet. Why?

I know a woman who believed in these kinds of portents of a "great love" that she believed had been predicted psychically. When a man showed up at her party and behaved in an outlandishly romantic manner, she believed he was fulfilling the prophecy and that the universe was bringing her the very blessing she had been promised.

Unfortunately, this guy ended up cheating on her before the wedding, taking advantage of her financially, and finally dumping her after returning from the storybook honeymoon, during which he was sneaking off to cybercafes to e-mail other women. Be glad this isn't you!
posted by Kirklander at 4:05 PM on September 30

I'll be a jerk and continue with the "don't believe the psychic" angle, but with a purpose:

1) dating a douche bag and that I would end things
- she empowered you to leave a less than positive situation

2) another relationship and that I would like his personality but not end up being with him (true - and she picked out the months when it would happen)
- she gave you hope, and a time-frame to start something, but also a time limit for you to observe

3) She told me I would get a new job and told me what it would be (correctly) and then mentioned the state I would move to (correct again and across the country), before I had even applied for the jobs or knew the jobs existed
- she empowered you to search for a new job in a new field, and you did well with it

4) She described my closest friends accurately and without my prompting.
- not knowing what she said and how you reacted, I can imagine she read your minor reactions and knew if things sounded right to you

5) I would meet someone who I would have an instant attraction to and end up marrying in August of this year
- this is the hardest to set up, because you can find someone you like (and you did) but not be that into them (and you were), but being instantly attracted means a lot more, and needs to be reciprocated, especially for a marriage to happen and last.

You mentioned that you are "more consciousness of how many married people I am surrounded by" - I think this is accentuating your "failure" in the psychic's last prediction.

My suggestions: embrace the positive changes, but instead of crediting the psychic, hold onto the notion that it was all you, with her guidance, and without your actions, none of it would have happened. If you stayed in your old path, you would still be with the douche bag in your old job, but you aren't.

Also, focus on having fun with whoever you are, and focus on the activity and conversation instead of the relationships of those around you. As a guy who was single for a long time, I know it's hard to ignore visibly happy couples. If certain couples are too much for you, avoid their company. Or look for some events for single folks, but focus on the event instead of finding a partner. Someone there might have the same interests as you, etc. etc.

Congratulations on all the positive changes in your life, and good luck with the future!
posted by filthy light thief at 4:32 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

You should have listened to her fine print, because it’s likely she told you from the commencement of your reading that “your future is unclear” (standard psychicese). Legitimate non-shyster psychics (and there are a few) are only able to interpret the energies from your current lifeline, but if there is an unpredicted divergence (more on that in a second), then unfortunately there’s little that they can tell you, despite their incredible, logic-defying gifts. Divergences can be major events – which will be accurately predicted, because of major spikes in your lifeline’s psychokinetic energy (see: Venkman, P.) – or they can be something as tiny and inconsequential as dropping a cup at breakfast, reaching down to pick it up, and banging your head against the bench. You only blow a handful of brain cells, and the event itself lacks the psychokinetic energy for her to be able to interpret the spike, but there you have it, that’s a life divergence and from that point on your future, as you already know, is unclear.

Skeptics will say stuff like “You have to go out and make stuff happen, it’s not just going to come to you like magic, and investing your hopes and dreams for the future into some half-in-the-bag psychic’s alleged ‘predictions’ of your future is neither sensible nor useful” but don’t listen to them because they are assholes. You have to believe!*

*In yourself.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:33 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

The psychic predicition is not the main point here. She wants a relationship and marriage.

*nod* That's how I read it, too.

OP, it sounds like the real crux of your problem isn't really about what the psychic said, but more about the loss of a strong sense of hope that was sustaining you - made stronger, in fact, by the way the earlier predictions had actually played out in your life. You want a romantic relationship, and you believed you would find one by a certain date. That prediction kept your hope going, and now that this hope has been dashed by the passage of the predicted time frame, you're floundering emotionally. That's completely understandable.

You sound quite level-headed and self-aware. And furthermore, from what you've written here, it sounds as if you've been doing everything "right" in your quest to find a romantic companion (staying active, joining dating websites, meeting people, focusing on self-development and being happy alone, etc.) and yet you're still single year after year. If it's any consolation, there are lots of us in the same boat. Try to keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with you, and your single status is not - and never will be - some kind of verdict on your worth as a human being. As I'm sure you know, there are many, many wonderful, eminently dateable single people out there who'd like to be in relationships but just haven't met the right person, through no particular fault of their own. So you are hardly alone.

People will give you all sorts of advice about finding a partner - don't appear too needy, don't sit around waiting, let go and stop trying, stop being so picky, start being more picky, etc. Some of this advice can be useful and might improve your chances, but I'm afraid the rest is mostly out of your control. After a string of romantic disappointments in my own life (and enduring endless variations of "oh, don't worry, you're a total catch, you'll find someone eventually!"), I've come to believe that plain ol' luck plays a much larger part in bringing people together than most of us would like to acknowledge. We can put in our best effort, do psychological and spiritual self-developmet, put ourselves 'out there,' and so on, but finding the right romantic partner just can't be done according to any kind of timetable. If you're anything like me, the "you'll meet someone" pronouncements start to sound awfully hollow after awhile.

Nobody here really knows if or when you'll meet the right person for a romantic relationship. The best advice I have for you is to do your best to find something else that really engages you at the deepest possible level. This should be something you can do on your own that strengthens your sense of hope for the future regardless of whether or not you find a mate. It can be anything - volunteer work, striving to accomplish something you've always wanted, getting involved with creative pursuits, whatever. If you already have something like this in your life, put even more of yourself into it. Really pour your heart and soul into it. When you're heart's in it, people pick up on that. You become more magnetic to others who share similar passions and pastimes. And that increases your chances of attracting a partner. But even if that's not in the cards, you can still take a great deal pride and joy in what you've done.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and a fresh, renewed sense of hope!
posted by velvet winter at 5:03 PM on September 30 [4 favorites]

Sadly, you were given false hope, and you really, really wanted to believe.

I have never seen any evidence that fortune tellers have any actual ability to predict future events.

I have seen lots of evidence that a committed, persistent individual can change the world. So, make your own wish come true. You've come all this way. you've moved, gotten a new job, gotten happy with your life. Now put your energy into finding a lucky person to share it. Find a dating coach. Put more effort into dating partners whose intentions are more like yours, i.e., LTR. Make sure that your friends and family know that you're looking for a great guy to date.

Who cares if you believe in a psychic, do you believe in yourself?
posted by theora55 at 5:22 PM on September 30

It doesn't matter whether or not I believe in psychics, so I'm not even going to get into that. What matters is that some great things happened, through serendipity or making the right choices or cosmic alignment or whatever you want to believe, in your life in the last year.

And one thing, just one great thing, didn't. And it's become the fish that got away. It's your Moby Dick, your raison d'etre, your obsession. You want a relationship all the more, if you really look at it closely, because it's the one thing you DON'T have. And that's got you depressed again.

But if you really weigh it all in the balance and think about it, you're in a great place to get moving on this relationship thing. You've weeded out the duds, gotten rid of the guys who caused you problems. You even have a new, better job and a new city full of possibilities. So the problem is just, really, one of timing.

So instead of looking at it as "I don't have that relationship I was promised in August," you need to bring your mind around to, "I don't have a relationship yet." I think you will be a lot happier in your mind if you just accept that what your psychic, or fate, or circumstance or life had wrong was just the August deadline, not the actual getting-married-and-settling-down thing.

And then you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, because of course you won't meet anyone that way, and get out there, so your tardy, procrastinating spouse-to-be can find you already.
posted by misha at 6:07 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

Its ok to be sad about this. You were able to feel certain about a situation that is at least partially beyond your control, and having that security blanket ripped away is confronting. Don't beat yourself up for needing some time to process it.

About the psychic thing. Through high school, I worked in a new age gift shop, which rented out its back room to psychics. I once sat and listened to a psychic give the same ten minute reading to every customer, all day. He cleared three hundred dollars, and thirty women walked away thinking they were going to meet a man who wasn't The One, then they were going to change jobs because they're unappreciated at their current job, and later in the year they would meet The One. Its the stock standard reading for a twenty-to-thirty-something woman who is giving you nothing to cold read from.

I know you didn't want answers saying that psychics aren't real, and you're getting bludgeoned with this point, but I think you will get over this sooner if you remember two things:

a) You did nothing wrong. You did not prevent this prediction from coming true.
b) She was not off by a few months, she didn't mean next year, it was a shot in the dark that was wrong.

Regarding the married friends issue: could you ask them to introduce you to their single friends/acquaintances? Not just as blind dates, but as potential friends. A network of people to commiserate with will help a great deal.
posted by PercyByssheShelley at 6:20 PM on September 30 [2 favorites]

You might want to read some of psychic Erin Pavlina's articles about handling a psychic reading: Maintaining Your Power in the Face of Psychic Prediction and Why do different psychics give you different information?

Your future is not set in stone. You have free will to make choices and so do other people. If we make the assumption that psychics can read your future, they are still only reading possibilities and likelihoods. The fact that some of the things predicted came true for you and some didn't doesn't speak to whether she was a real psychic or not. It speaks to the uncertainty of life.

It makes total sense that you're sad about this disappointment. I would allow yourself to feel that and use it to take positive action on creating the relationship you want, as so many in this post have described.
posted by alicat at 8:02 PM on September 30 [1 favorite]

I was referred to a psychic by an open-minded pastor. No lie, this really happened. The psychic told me about people I had been in past lives, including an artistic Native American woman and a scientific white man. She said, sympathetically, that she knew I was afraid that I'd commit suicide when I became middle aged, but that I could live to be an old, old woman: I had to visualize that.

Yep, you can do a lot worse than being encouraged towards a committed relationship. But that takes time in the real world, and it should: it's a major decision, and so far as I can tell marriage involves considerable patience and a willingness to accept that things won't turn out the way you plan. Thank goodness, right? It'd be pretty dull without the possibility of something great happening that you never expected.
posted by woodway at 8:16 PM on September 30

It shouldn't matter whether psychics were real. If they aren't, she had some lucky guesses and one guess was wrong. If they are, she mostly had clear sight of your future but one thing she didn't. Does it matter which?

If there are psychics, and I'm not saying I believe that, then nobody yet has ever been one who had 100% complete and accurate knowledge of the future. Agnes Nutter, they aren't. So it doesn't matter, in the end, if they exist. They're fallible, like other human beings, if they do.

If they exist, then they don't control your fate. The whole concept of being psychic is seeing the future, not creating it. You create your future. If marriage is the future you want, do something to make that happen. Someone else seeing that future beforehand is not what creates the events in your life. You do. You still have that power. Maybe knowing beforehand--whether the psychic was real or not--allowed you to create certain events that you wanted to come to pass. So, okay, you wanted this one, too, but you missed it. That's okay! You still have a lot of life left in which to create a healthy relationship with another person. Look into the best ways to do that. That's the important bit.
posted by larkspur at 8:40 PM on September 30

Treat it as grief, which is what it is. It doesn't matter much what the source was - when a hope is lost that is a painful thing. There aren't any shortcuts or tricks to it really, you just have to go through it. Be open to these feelings. Let yourself feel them and get angry, feel cheated and cry or whatever. Because moving on follows a path that goes through those feelings, not around or over or under them.
posted by nanojath at 10:45 PM on September 30 [2 favorites]

I'd also second the sentiment that you've been through several major stresses (two relationships ended, change of job, major move) in a year and it's hardly surprising you're feeling vulnerable. Try to be really nice and gentle to yourself for a while, recover a bit.
posted by nanojath at 10:49 PM on September 30

[few comments removed - quit being huffy about psychics and either be helpful, go to metatalk or just go for a walk, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 7:07 AM on October 1 [1 favorite]

If she was psychic (or if psychics can exist) then everything must be fated, therefore there's nothing you can do and no point in worrying about it. Right?
posted by cmoj at 10:02 AM on October 1

You get past it that exact same way we always advise mefites to find a new love. Get out of your house, start meeting new people, maybe join a dating site. You'll stop feeling ripped off in the love department when you find someone to love.

Forget about the psychic and get on with looking for a partner.
posted by 26.2 at 12:10 AM on October 2