Plays Well With Others?

September 28, 2009 5:12 PM

Latin Dancing Ettiquette: I really want to learn Latin Dancing, but for cultural reasons (and prudishness) would be uncomfortable dancing with a woman other than my fiancee. I doubt I would be pleased with her dancing with other men.

I spoke to an instructor who told me that couples can attend with no need to rotate partners.

Does anyone have experience with this? Do you end up feeling like the Amish with how conservative your attitudes are? Are there situations where you are made to feel rude if you do not dance with others?

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

I went to a learn-to-dance club in college. There were certain couples who, when it was time to trade partners didn't. There was no stigma against doing so, and after the first rotation or two we'd just skip them entirely. Presumably, if you're going to learn to dance, it's so you can dance with them, right?

I will say that I got some good tips as a beginner dancer from dancing with some of the more experienced guys. They had the experience to be able to point out a better way to do it or that I was reversing my steps.

These classes are really tame - the only guy who ever came onto me while dancing was a drunk frat guy. For most guys, they're paying more attention to what they're doing than to who they're dancing with. That being said, if my now-husband and I were to go to a class, I'd probably stick to dancing with him.

As far as attitudes, couples who don't switch are regarded as perfectly normal. I was the one who felt like a boor the one time I stood and waited, not realizing that they weren't going to trade off.
posted by bookdragoness at 5:31 PM on September 28

I come from the swing world, so take my advice for what it's worth, but I'd imagine that it depends entirely on the class. Some classes are structured more this way (especially those where couples are trying to learn to dance for their wedding), while in others you'll be the only couple dancing exclusively together. But do you really care what the other students think, as long as the instructor doesn't mind?

You should probably approach this the same way as any other social issue that arises because of your beliefs - people may be curious, some may be rude, and you'll have to explain nicely or just ignore them as you see fit.

If you do plan to go out dancing in clubs together later, expect to be asked to dance (and for your fiancee to be asked to dance) as most people do dance with others over the course of the night, and be polite when turning people down. In some circles it's unusual to turn down a dance, so you'll want to do lots of smiling and apologies to compensate. After the first night most people will get the picture and stop bugging you.
posted by you're a kitty! at 5:35 PM on September 28

I... would be uncomfortable dancing with a woman other than my fiancee. I doubt I would be pleased with her dancing with other men.

That does seem at a bit of conflict with Latin dancing in particular... and Latin culture in general.

Could you choose a less... passionate form of dance?
posted by rokusan at 5:39 PM on September 28 [3 favorites has favorites]

I think you have to a) make it clear to the instructor that you will want to dance together, and b) learn some really good ways of politely saying 'No, thanks, we prefer to dance together,' when asked by others to dance, and c) accept that other people will find this a bit odd.

If you can do all of those, smooth sailing. Note that "No, thanks, we prefer to dance together" or "No, thanks, we only dance together" are probably the best ways to refuse--that way, it's clear that it's not a refusal of that person in particular.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:51 PM on September 28

Another thing that's likely to come up — if the instructor wants to show you how to do a particular move, the easiest way is often to take you aside and dance with you for a minute. Demonstrating like that is way easier than explaining a move verbally. Would that be something you were comfortable with?

(It's not the end of the world if you're not, but it might make things more difficult, depending on how much your particular instructor relies on that sort of demonstration.)

That does seem at a bit of conflict with Latin dancing in particular... and Latin culture in general.

Could you choose a less... passionate form of dance?

You're overreacting. You can enjoy dancing without being some sort of hot-blooded latino stereotype, and a beginner's dance class is not exactly a meat market. I've seen salsa classes offered in church basements, on Christian college campuses, at senior centers, and in small conservative towns. There's simply nothing salacious about it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:58 PM on September 28 [4 favorites has favorites]

I've taken a few classes, and it would have been...odd to refuse to dance with others. Oh, everyone would've complied, but you run the risk of being needlessly unfriendly. If you don't care, that's fine. If this will bother either you, you may find it uncomfortable. I will say that in terms of the intimacy of dancing with a partner, in a class, everyone's worrying about their feet and the step and not so much gazing deeply into each others' eyes forging a bond.

Also, nthing that it is typical for the instructor to show a move or check your progress by dancing with you. Consider private lessons, where this would be the only need for either of you to dance with someone else.
posted by desuetude at 6:13 PM on September 28

I went to a few learn-to-dance classes and found dancing with other partners made it easier to improve. Also, if most everyone is there with a partner then everyone has a good reason to 'behave'- people tend to be very respectful of each other's personal space (almost too respectful when you need to learn to share dancing space!).

Depending on the mood of the class, or of the specific dance patterns, give yourselves a chance or two to dance with someone else; not every latin dance looks like the sex-with-clothes-on tango you see in movies.
posted by variella at 6:27 PM on September 28

That does seem at a bit of conflict with Latin dancing in particular... and Latin culture in general.

I'm not sure what rokusan meant by this, but I would like him/her to explain, because it sounds like a very misinformed generalization of my culture. I can tell you that Latin people will respect your choice to dance with one partner as much as people from any other culture.
posted by sotalia at 7:19 PM on September 28

Not accepting dances from different partners is similar to declining help from a fellow class mate in… say Math. There's nothing innately wrong with it, other then a few bruised egos, but no one's really going to think any less of you.

If you're fine with learning slower and not improving at the speed you potentially could, there's no problem.
posted by RawrGulMuffins at 8:00 PM on September 28

I'm not sure what rokusan meant by this, but I would like him/her to explain, because it sounds like a very misinformed generalization of my culture.

You see, because you added a judgment to the end of that question, I'm tempted to add "defensive" and "quick-tempered" to the awful, misinformed stereotype of Latin culture as "passionate". But not really.

In my own personal experience in Mexico, Cuba, Guatemala, Panama, Brazil and Argentina, in which I've spent a couple of collective years: people in these places are much* more outgoing, vivacious, friendly and demonstrative than those in the US, Canada or the UK. This seems true in the big cities (Mexico City, Sao Paulo, Havana) as it does in the tiniest towns.

I don't know how one would avoid touching people in these places: even this gauche and shy gringo has never been able to attend any social event of any kind without being hugged and kissed by thirty or forty people, most of them strangers. All of these places seem to have a very outgoing and open-armed cultures. This is a good thing, I think, but the good/badness of it isn't really relevant here.

What is relevant is that that doesn't jive well, in my opinion, with the OP's self-description as "prudish", and so I politely suggested that maybe this wasn't the sort of environment one should be throwing oneself into, if one is so jealous/conservative/bothered by other people getting close to you and/or your partner.

Hence, repeated: maybe Latin dancing isn't a great choice, unless as NWP suggests it's in some cloistered Christian college campus or whatnot, where obviously things will be much less... outgoing.

(*MUCH!)
posted by rokusan at 8:52 PM on September 28 [2 favorites has favorites]

Try taking some group classes with other friends/couples. Maybe dancing with friends will help you overcome some reticence.
posted by JJ86 at 9:01 PM on September 28

Coming from the swing world here, but salsa and swing are fairly similar.

I should point out that not dancing with others misses part of the fun of going out. The rotating of partners is done to help everyone learn - many couples will come together, enjoy their time dancing with other people, and eventually get several in with the person they're with that evening. Although most clubs I went to in the US had at least one couple that chose to dance by themselves, it's difficult to feel a part of the community / group if you never dance with them.

Etiquette? A polite 'thanks, but I'm taking a break' works in most cases. No gentlemen / lady would think of trying to pull you on the dance floor against your will

I want to respect your beliefs, whatever they may be. One solution? Take private lessons or dance in your own space. Dance with friends or other people you trust at first.

The other idea, respectfully, is to ask yourself why Latin dance? The workout? The closeness with your SO? Many many dances, many many purposes - even something like the waltz provides those without salacious overtones. Just my two cents - whatever you find, enjoy it :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 9:44 PM on September 28 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think the idea of taking a class with friends is a good idea. I won't dance with a guy other than my boyfriend (or close friends, male or female). I was a bridesmaid this year and got swept off to dance with my paired groomsman and it was really awkward and not something I could disentangle myself from in time. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Bringing along people you trust should help a bit. And of course, you and your fiancee can mingle with the other members of the class before and after lessons. It need not be an "unfriendly" air you give off.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:00 PM on September 28

It's not rude - the people you're hurting are yourselves (you will learn poorly and slowly, as without the contrast you are unable to separate (or sometimes even recognize) mistakes and dependencies, so can't easily solve them, and so on).

In the vast majority of classes, you wouldn't even need to decline other students - when the class rotates, you simply stay with each other. Everyone has seen it before, they know what it means. (Though you should let the instructor know beforehand that you don't intend to rotate, as their job is to help ensure shy people don't unwittingly sabotage themselves by doing things like this).

But to my mind, what it boils down to is that you don't (yet) understand dance, so you don't (yet) understand why your reluctance is poorly grounded.

Even at conservative weddings, in many cultures it is traditional for the Bride to dance with her father - someone with whom she has absolutely no romantic attachment whatsoever. Your ideas of dancing might be more fueled by hollywood romance movies than by reality. Would you (or those in your culture) be uncomfortable with you escorting your grandmother to the dancefloor at a wedding? She might be proud to be on the arm of her magnificent grandson, or hurt that he didn't want to be on the floor with her. Dancing is a broad language, and while it can sometimes be used to communicate more than simple innocent fun, it's normally about simple innocent fun.

So I would suggest starting out with what is comfortable - ie not rotating, but even though you're not rotating, still go in there with an open mind, with the hope that eventually, as you become more comfortable and more at home in this activity, you'll replace your preconceptions with a more informed view, and eventually reach a level where you can rotate, and become faster/better/stronger as a result.

I guess the situation to look out for, where you may end up being rude, is while attending a social dance. These a great way to practise, because you don't get to dance to a full song, uninterrupted, in class. But for beginners, it takes some guts to ask a stranger to dance, and so the etiquette is that if you attend a social dance, and someone asks you to dance, you don't snub or humiliate them, you accept their invitation. A social dance is a trickier situation to manage without rudeness if you don't actually intend to dance socially.
posted by -harlequin- at 1:04 AM on September 29

And for what it's worth, you probably won't get much worse than my attitude (which intentionally shows though in my post above) - I wouldn't think of you as Amish, so much as laboring under dumb noob ideas about what dancing should be and what it means, and perhaps dumb noob ideas about relationships and fidelity, but I really wouldn't care because it's fundamentally not my problem, it doesn't affect me in the slightest, so unless you're a friend, it has no relevance to me. It's much better IMO that you try learning to dance in a half-assed way, than if you never try it at all. So if not rotating is what you need, I support you not rotating. ;-)
posted by -harlequin- at 1:19 AM on September 29

I spoke to an instructor who told me that couples can attend with no need to rotate partners.

Frankly, if you've gone this far I'd go ahead and see how you feel after the first lesson. Its your choice then to go back or not.

Certainly people can relate their experiences here but I think your own experience will depend on where you are and what the culture around these classes is.

Also, I think rokusan is confusing "Latin dancing" with "Dancing with Latins." The former is a technical dance and you no more need to hug people and kiss babies anymore than you need to be a member of Viennese society to do the waltz.
posted by vacapinta at 6:47 AM on September 29

For my own two cents (being part of the latin culture and also have taken multiple salsa classes)....is that I've taken classes where some people dont rotate and stick with their partners, the teacher would ask before class who was staying with whom or who was rotating and it was perfectly cool....However in all of those classes the instructor might dance with you (yes you the guy) or even with your wife/girlfriend to show an especific move...are you comfortable with that?

I dont think that people will care...but there are some classes (actually most of them) that make everyone rotate in these classes you are better off not attending at all (in my opinion of course) and you are just better off finding one that fits you......

The problem here is not sooo much the culture or the latino aspect (in most of my classes here in NYC majority of people are NOT from latin cultures I would guess because a lot of us learn to dance from our parents)...but the way the class is structured....

I am sure there will be a class that fits and it will be perfectly normal not to rotate...look for it and make sure you discuss it with the teacher before hand...most people will not care or wont look at you twice......

Worst come to worst you can take private lessons....

My two cents is that your learning time will be much shorter if you dance with different people.....
posted by The1andonly at 7:47 AM on September 29

In my latin dance classes (Salsa and ChaCha) the couples who didn't want to rotate, there was always at least one, just didn't. We skipped over them and it didn't seem weird at all. Sometimes the teacher would ask them to either dance slightly more towards the center of the circle or more outside the circle but that was usually only if the class was particularly full that day.

I've very nearly convinced my boyfriend to give it a try and I told him that he didn't need to dance with anyone else if he came. I'm kind of looking forward to it.
posted by magnetsphere at 11:20 AM on September 29

I've only started learning waltz, polka, and a few other couple dances and in these classes it would be a little rude not to rotate- usually there's an imbalance between the sexes and it means that somebody doesn't get a partner.

Speaking for myself, I learn much faster if I rotate partners.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:07 PM on September 29

Also, I think rokusan is confusing "Latin dancing" with "Dancing with Latins."

No, I just don't see how you can participate in Latin dancing dispassionately (per nebulawindphone) without, like, Doing It Wrong.

The rest, about "with Latins" was in response to sotalia, re Latin culture.
posted by rokusan at 3:08 PM on September 29

The instructor has already told you it's OK, so there should be no problem with you skipping the rotation. Yes, it will be harder to make new friends at the lesson, but it's not as though you will be wanting to meet other people to dance with.

The downside is that you might learn more quickly by rotating. On the other hand, you might not. I've taken classes where the rotation has lead to me having to explain the basic step over and over. While it might have helped others learn from me, in that situation I'd prefer to skip rotation if I was taking the class with someone.

The instructor will probably find it expedient to dance with either you or your fiance at some point to demonstrate the steps. It's part of the job you are paying them to do, and you can expect them to have a professional attitude towards this. If you are uncomfortable with this discuss it with them before the class.

When I've taken classes with a partner and chosen to skip the rotation, I've generally felt happy to skip dancing with a series of people who I'm not learning anything from and to help my partner progress faster. This is only if I'm taking a class with a bunch of people who don't dance well, otherwise I prefer to rotate.

If someone else asks you to dance, simply tell them you only dance with your fiance/date/who you came with. It will come off as rude to say you are resting if your fiance wants to hit the floor right after that.

Go ahead and start off without rotating, you might change your mind once you get a bit more comfortable with the class. Many dance classes have more of the atmosphere of, well, a class than a nightclub. If your class doesn't fit that description you might be more comfortable trying a different one. Don't buy a block of lessons until you try a class or two.
posted by yohko at 11:24 PM on September 29

rokusan, I honestly don't see how my response was quick-tempered or judgmental. You posted the part of the OP's question that said "I doubt I would be pleased with her dancing with other men," and right under that you said that this seems to be in conflict with Latin culture. To me, this sounded like you were saying that dancing with a single partner is somehow at odds with Latin culture, but I didn't just assume that this is what you meant, I asked you to clarify.

It is true that Latinos generally have more physical contact in their day-to-day interactions than people in English-speaking countries do. However, we Latinos are aware that customs are different in our adopted countries than they are in our home countries, so we don't (for example) try to cheek-kiss Americans when greeting them.

Assuming that Anonymous is not in a Latin country, I don't think that he should fear taking Latin dance lessons just because there are differences between the two cultures. Even if the class was full of Latinos, it is unlikely that they would impose any customs on him that would make him or his fiancee uncomfortable.
posted by sotalia at 8:09 AM on September 30