Gutted because he's had a vasectomy.
September 28, 2009 1:29 PM Subscribe
How do I cope with the guilt and heartbreak of snuffing out love because we'll never have kids?
posted by anonymous to human relations (31 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I recently started seeing someone that I adore. I've known him for a few months through a couple of special interest groups, so we have quite a bit in common. We finally hooked up a few weeks ago and the chemistry just took off. There was the instant bonding of someone I could spend years with, if not the rest of my life. He feels the same way.
The kicker... I want kids and he has had a vasectomy. I told him almost immediately that this was a dealbreaker for me, because we were already starting to fall for each other and I didn't want to get too far in without disclosing this. I told him that I respect his decision to not have more kids, but that I am not the person for him because of this.
Now he has started broaching subjects like reversal, donor sperm and IVF. I have never, ever suggested these as options - it's purely him who has brought them up. If anything, I've tried to discourage him because he's saying this in desperation to keep me. None of these seem like reasonable measures for someone who previous to me, did not want any more kids. Even the best case scenario - reversal - seems far fetched. It'd be a couple of years before even trying, allowing time for the relationship to develop and to get money/immigration issues out of the way.
Details: He is 38, been married twice. Has a late-teens kid that he is not involved with except for child support. Got the vasectomy about 10 years ago. I'm 32 (almost 33), been in a few LTR's, never married, no kids. I want one or two biological kids and a partner to raise them with (marriage optional).
Even more details: The immigration factor is irrelevant except that it's an additional setback in terms of time and cost. If it wasn't for the vasectomy thing I wouldn't hesitate to immigrate permanently to his country (I am here temporarily). We're from different countries but the cultures are similar. I don't think I give off a desperate-for-baby vibe... just looking at things rationally I have a small window of time to have kids. Donor sperm would be a last resort for me if I hit my late 30s and I'm still single.
Am I being selfish in trying to protect us both from the inevitable? Is there a point of view that I'm missing? Maybe it would help if I could see this from his perspective, so if anyone has been in his shoes before, please share. I'm absolutely heartbroken to let him go. :(