Should I stay near my parents or move away?

September 28, 2009 10:31 AM

Go to graduate school with Favorite teacher and move away, or go to graduate school with less than favorite teacher and stay close to family?

I grew up with alot of tension and conflict in my family, went to school, and really didn't come home. With time, all those family problems died quiet deaths and its been really good. So good, that I recently moved back into the area to be closer to them and my friends. Considering how alienating and painful the years before were, I'm really happy here. I feel at peace.

But, of course, I'm applying to grad school, and all this emotional balance is at risk because teacher #1 is at a school several states away. We have spoken directly, and it seems like a real possibility I could end up getting accepted there. Which both excites me and bums me out.

The school isn't very highly ranked, but the teacher and program itself are quickly getting deserved reputations for the work they are doing. ( ie, shits happening there and people know it )

On the flip side, there is a local school that wouldn't require me to move, that is more highly ranked and has also sent me signs that I have a good chance of getting accepted there. Problem: there isn't a teacher that is really doing research into what I want to study. They seem ok with what I want to do, but no one there is doing it.

I don't really want to choose between my career/passionate personal interest and finally having a real relationship with my family, but it feels like I'm going to be put in that position. Its going to be 5 or 6 years of study, and then I'll be forced to move to a random place to get a job - I'll never have this chance to be with my parents like I do now. But its hard for me to guess how important having this teacher (or climate) will be for my work and how I might mature in the field.

If it matters, its a phd program in sociology.

posted by mrgreyisyelling to human relations (12 comments total)

Wait and see where you get accepted, then decide.
posted by useyourmachinegunarm at 10:33 AM on September 28 [4 favorites]

Not being able to do a Ph.D. in the topic you are really interested in (and if there is nobody doing it there, you won't really be able to do it) will be 5 or 6 years of difficult-motivation hell. Been there. Didn't finish the program.
posted by brainmouse at 10:37 AM on September 28 [1 favorite]

Peace is extremely important in doing a PhD. That said, your relationship with your adviser is as important as any other in this regard. I have definitely butt heads with faculty, including my own adviser, during my time as a PhD student, and believe that I would have a much better time of it if I would have chosen more carefully. I would follow the professor, but also be aware that the relationship might be different than it was when you were an undergrad.
posted by monkeymadness at 10:48 AM on September 28

(Just finished Ph.D). Your supervisor and your relationship with her/him is one of the most crucial parts of successfully completing your degree - I can't emphasize this enough. It may also be very possible to do "fieldwork" (or whatever your university calls it) for a semester or year away from school. I, for example, did almost 1.5 years of my degree in a different country and was close to my family during this time.
posted by meerkatty at 10:48 AM on September 28

What do you want to do with your PhD? If you want to go into academia, pick whichever school has a better success rate at placing graduates into tenure-track positions. Academic hiring is contracting, and you need to do what it takes to find a job (which will very likely necessitate moving away from where you currently live anyway). If your relationship with your family is good now, living further away shouldn't be able to ruin it.
posted by decathecting at 10:48 AM on September 28

If you want to go into academia, pick whichever school has a better success rate at placing graduates into tenure-track positions.

I would argue that who your advisor is is more important than the school's reputation in general -- a first-year prof with few connections at a school with overall good success is much less useful than a well-established, well-connected, well-liked prof at a school with overall bad success.
posted by brainmouse at 10:52 AM on September 28

I'm with brainmouse on this one. You need energy and enthusiasm to get through a PhD programme, and it seems like you'll be much better supported in this (academically at least) if you move away.

There's no reason at all why you need to lose touch with your family either - several states is not the moon, and there's always Skype and vacations. Of course you'll need to see where you get accepted, as useyourmachinegunarm says, but from the way you talk about the first option, it's clear to me that's where your heart lies (academically at least).

Following your personal academic interest doesn't mean that you'll lose your relationship with your family, just that it will change. If it's as good as you say it then it will weather that storm.
posted by Chairboy at 10:52 AM on September 28

Do take into account how hardy and resilient you are. I wasn't when I started my Ph.D. I moved far, far away to go to a very good school. I had the best advisor anyone could ask for. Still, the stress + lack of social support was too much for me and I left the program on doctor's recommendations. Didn't end up going back.

I think that if I had stayed closer to home, or even stayed at the school where I had finished the undergraduate degree, I might have finished. You, however, are not me. Good luck!
posted by kitcat at 11:07 AM on September 28

If you get accepted states way with your choice advisor, then how wonderful it'll be to return home during holidays and when you can. And also to return to school, where you're thriving.

Staying where you are is just that, staying where you are. Move around, have nice reasons to go places and return to places. Oscillate wildly!
posted by iamkimiam at 11:26 AM on September 28

Faculty change schools. Often. Make sure you have a back-up plan in case this happens after you've turned your life upside down to fall your advisor.
posted by walla at 11:38 AM on September 28

Studying what you want and having an ally as an advisor is critical to success. Graduate degrees are a lot of work, and having passion and interest in what you're doing goes further than almost anything else.

Also, moving away does not mean ending your relationship with your family. I am extremely close to my mother, but currently live half a country away. We talk all the time, email, social media, I visit, she visits. We've managed to grow closer than we ever were when I was living at home. You just redefine your relationship while you're in school.
posted by Kimberly at 2:05 PM on September 28

I'm defending my Ph.D. thesis tomorrow. So here's my two cents- grad school, while it is educational and can be rewarding in the long-term, is an absolute spirit-crusher. You sound young. Get a job working for a year or two in your field of interest, preferably in academia and away from home, and then once you're more expercienced and have a better sense of what you want, apply to programs nationwide and choose the one that best fits your needs and interests.

Also, don't count your chickens before they hatch- I recommed applying to 5-6 programs. Those that are genuninely interested in you will fly you out for an interview, and you'll be able to meet with faculty and students and get a good sense of whether or not the program is a good match for your background and goals.
posted by emd3737 at 5:21 PM on September 28 [2 favorites]