Aren't you even a little bit curious?

September 24, 2009 11:20 PM

I met a new guy who I've instantly clicked with. Chemistry seems to be there, yet something is bothering me. He rarely (as in hardly ever) asks me specific questions about me or my life.

As someone who has historically been overly-private and reserved, this normally wouldn't bother me I guess. But this guy has mentioned that he thinks we might have a real future (I tend to agree) yet he hardly EVER asks me about myself. Even when I lead the questions he doesn't reciprocate ie "Where did you go to school?" To this day (three weeks later) he hasn't asked me the same question. I ask about his family eg "how many siblings do you have? He doesn't ask about mine. Some things like this happen to come up in the course of the conversation, but usually only when I offer the information, not because I've been asked.

I've pretty much overlooked this thus far and chalked it up to 1) I met him online and not being a big online dater, I'm assuming this is just the nature of this unorthodox way of getting acquainted?, 2) we've only hung out once because he's been on out-of-state trips for business, and 3) I've been holding out hope that when he does return (next week) the dynamics of our physical interaction will show him to be more inquisitve.

But as it stands, this is starting to bother me. I know that if I bring it up to him, he'll start to show more interest, but I just wonder what it means that he doesn't ask in the first place. These are just basic getting-to-know you questions I'm referring to, not major prying-before-it's-okay type questions.

So what say you? Would this alarm you? Enough to cut him off and move on? Or would you advise I chill out and give it a little more time? And what do you think this says about him or how he feels about "us" that he doesn't wonder about these baisc things in my life?

Thanks for any responses.

posted by anonymous to human relations (43 comments total)

No, it wouldn't alarm me, because there are many innocent explanations.

(a) Shy.
(b) Going slow on purpose.
(c) Trying extra-hard to respect your "private and reserved" personality.

As long as he seems interested when you do talk about yourself, you're fine.
posted by rokusan at 11:23 PM on September 24

Depends how the conversations normally go. If from start to finish it's all about him ('My day was good--except my boss was blah blah blah') and his opinions, then potentially there are red flags. If it's definitely a balanced conversation where he does seem genuinely interested in your thoughts and opinions and asks you questions (not necessarily the personal history kind, but whether you like this or that, how that thing you told him about the other day worked out, etc), then I wouldn't worry about it for at least another 3 months.
posted by brambory at 11:43 PM on September 24

It definitely seems like your relationship as it stands is too fragile for a full-frontal "WHY AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN ME?!" attack, but I can see how this would be upsetting. I'd say it implies one of several things:

he may be self-absorbed
he may be oblivious
you may make him nervous
his inclination may be to discover things as they arise as opposed to through interrogation

It could be something entirely different, the fact is we (meaning both the hivemind and anonymous as well) simply don't know enough about him to make a judgement call. It sounds to me that there are enough positive things about him to keep you around, to keep you guessing. I'd advise giving it some time. If at some point the irritation and hurt feelings that result are worse than the good things are good, you'll probably want to reconsider your involvement with him.

We just don't know enough, and neither do you.
posted by wild like kudzu at 11:48 PM on September 24 [2 favorites]

I could have written this post eight months ago -- and we're still very happily together, so I'm going to suggest that you give it some time. I have lots of theories about why my boyfriend is like this, but honestly what it boils down to seems to be: he volunteers information about himself when he thinks it's important, and he expects me to do the same.

As an introvert and someone naturally shy, I've historically assumed that people don't want to hear about me if they don't ask -- but as a naturally gregarious person, he has always assumed that people want to hear about him unless they tell him to shut up! And until we figured out that we were each expecting the other to be like ourselves, he was frustrated that I was so quiet, and I was frustrated that he was so self-centered that he never asked about me.

I might also note that although I'm a question-asker, my questions tend to be "how do you feel about [political issue]?," "why do you think the director made that choice in that movie we just saw?," and "can I try [physical activity], or would that weird you out?" -- I rarely ask the ordinary biographical questions that normal people might expect. Which, admittedly, leads to awkward situations like not actually knowing whether or not people I've been dating for weeks (or months) even *have* parents, siblings, what-have-you... Or in one particularly embarrassing case, although I knew the guy's feelings about religion, politics, art, etc., I had forgotten to ask him what his name was! Anyway, my point is, is this guy asking any questions about you, your thoughts, or your feelings? Because that might just be a quirk of how he gets to know people.
posted by obliquicity at 12:06 AM on September 25 [6 favorites]

Bit of a red flag in my view. I think you're right to be bothered by this. Keep your radar up.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:16 AM on September 25 [1 favorite]

Does he seem genuinely interested in the stuff you do say about yourself, or is it more of a "Okay, that's nice. What else would you like to know about me?" If the conversations remain severely lopsided, only time will tell if it's just something that'll go away with time, or if that really is an inherent part of his personality, which would certainly drive me nuts. (I guess it'd be equally awkward if he only asked you questions but rarely talked about himself at length)

You seem to like him, so I'm guessing he didn't come off as self-centered. It could be that he's too nervous or overthinking things, and he's so worried and focused on what he says and how he comes off, that he forgets to reciprocate. Sometimes in a conversation, I end up almost telling myself mentally, "Okay, now you ask the same thing back, idiot."

And I think it's only natural to be a bit turned off if someone seems to not show much mutual interest in you. The fact that he mentions that he agrees you might have a future, but hasn't asked much about you, makes me worried he only sees this as a potential physical relationship. But I guess obliquicity has shown that it may not be such a big deal in the long run, and I'm sure there will be others.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 12:33 AM on September 25

I think that's just how he rolls. It may be a variant of Ask versus Guess.

If it bothers you that he doesn't know this stuff, you can always subtly bring it in to existing conversations.
posted by the latin mouse at 12:34 AM on September 25 [4 favorites]

I know where you're coming from, OP, because I am the the curious and inquisitive sort and tend to ask a lot of questions as a way of making conversation when I meet someone new (platonically or otherwise).

I find that some people are not big fans of ping-pong interview-style getting-to-know-you conversations. They especially don't like it if you sound like you're ticking off checkboxes on a survey. They prefer for things to come up "organically" and feel that these things will come up naturally over time, and they will talk about it then.

(For example, when you asked him about his siblings: perhaps it just isn't important for him to know how many siblings you have right there and then, but maybe when you mention having talked to them on the phone about somethig important, and he will ask then. Perhaps he feels that the number of siblings you have is irrelevant to discerning your character, or will not make him like you any more or any less.)

Getting to know someone doesn't mean taking turns asking each other questions. It's more about the time spent with each other than the talking. Some of the most revealing things about a person's character come up through their behavior, not their words. Try not to ask questions for the sake of asking or because you want to reveal something about yourself. If you have an anecdote, share it. If he picks up on one of its points, great. If not, move on to the next topic. If you have to ask questions, try to only ask specific questions if you're already on the subject, and make it less about data points (where he went to school) and more about explorations of motivations (why he picked that major), something open-ended.

As long as you're talking and enjoying each other's company, as long as he respects you and your time, and cares enough about you to seek you out, you should be fine.
posted by Lush at 12:47 AM on September 25 [4 favorites]

Relationships don't always have to be equal in the asking and answering questions department. Shyness / introverted nature, not overly interested in the minutiae of your life.

Meeting one time does not make -or break- a relationship. Give it until date three before making it a direct question.

BTW, online relationships often the same way they would in meatspace relationships, according to the individual personalities.
posted by chrisinseoul at 12:49 AM on September 25

"But this guy has mentioned that he thinks we might have a real future (I tend to agree) yet he hardly EVER asks me about myself."

This.

Please keep in mind that people are usually on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. So then, it is clear to me why something seems "off" to you. The first part of that sentence (have a real future together) + the second part (he hardly EVER asks me about myself) don't really go together, do they?

A wise woman once told me, and I've always found it to be true, that people tell you who they are and what they want if you listen. You seem to think his behavior is telling you something... I'm going to support that feeling you have. You're probably right.

I'll make absolutely no guesses regarding this fellow's character or motives. His behavior might be totally benign, as many above have offered.

And if it turns out you are not the type to believe in the protective powers of unicorn tears...

Maybe google (individually) his name, his mobil and work phone numbers in"", and any internet nicknames you know he uses? I mean, maybe you'd be smart to be curious about this guy's deal because you met him online? Just a thought.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 1:42 AM on September 25 [3 favorites]

He sounds a lot like me, at least from what you've described.

Part of it may well come from being quite shy and introverted; I know it was in my case. And my shyness, lasting as it did well into my 20s, left me with quite poor conversation skills. Years later, I've found I can happily answer any and all questions, and I'm fine when it comes to discussing things in my immediate environment. But for whatever reason, it makes me really nervous to ask people questions about themselves. Asking even the most basic question makes me feel like I'm prying and getting too intimate. It takes a real conscious effort to get past that feeling.

So what I'm saying is that this may be a skill he just hasn't managed to master yet. I know I still find it quite difficult, although I am working on it. If he's anything like me, this probably bears no relation to his interest in you or in his desire to get to know you. He may just be a slightly stunted conversationalist who needs a bit of friendly nurturing in that direction. Maybe you could turn it into an occasion game, like '20 questions', where he has to find out something about you from your yes/no answers. Things like that can be fun without feeling threatening. And you can even introduce it without mentioning your concerns.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 2:13 AM on September 25 [2 favorites]

jbenben, not to derail too much, but what exactly are you trying to get at? If you want to Googlestalk someone, ok, but what is the point you're making? He's some kind of serial dater? There's a support group for his exes to talk about how he's so self-centered? I'm completely lost on why you suggested this...
posted by asciident at 2:26 AM on September 25 [2 favorites]

Yes, I agree with most of the posters - it's probably not a big deal. If I meet someone who I click with, I tend not to ask a lot of questions at first, I prefer to hear what the other person wants to share with me. That tells me a lot about how they are.

In fact, on many occasions, guys have asked me, "Okay, go ahead and ask me anything you want... !" and I'm usually kinda stumped, because I genuinely want to hear what they want to talk about, not direct an interview.

Usually, after a few dates, I´ll start thinking hmmm I wonder what he thinks about this or that, or I wonder about his family or that comment about his job, and then I will start asking questions.

On the other hand, I don't require being asked many question to reveal things, I share openly, and as long as the other person seems receptive to what I'm sharing, I continue. I've come to realize I expect other people to act the same way.

I think if you really click and "have a future" there may be even less need for questioning... the important thing is how you feel and get along, the answers to any questions will be revealed in due time, along with new questions developing along the way.
posted by Locochona at 3:57 AM on September 25

his inclination may be to discover things as they arise as opposed to through interrogation

I had similiar feelings to yours at one time about my current SO, and when I finally confronted him about it, I got the exact answer above. I agree with other posters who say you have to look at this behavior in a larger context. My SO is one of the sweetest, most unselfish people I've ever known, so with him I know it's not self-absorbtion, but if the guy shows other signs of not being very into you, I'd cut him loose.
posted by weesha at 4:42 AM on September 25

Could it be that he finds asking direct personal questions invasive or rude? Some people are taught that Q&A is gauche. Such people indicate a direction they would like a conversation to go without heaving on the tiller. If you find yourself providing answers to the questions you might expect to be asked directly then this guy may be like that.
posted by jet_silver at 6:07 AM on September 25 [1 favorite]

The first part of that sentence (have a real future together) + the second part (he hardly EVER asks me about myself) don't really go together, do they?

I don't see that as a big contradiction myself. I guess it depends on how you interpret the statement that the relationship "has a real future" - from my reading, that they have met in real life once, talk of a "real future" just means "let's meet a second time" - it's not like if they had been together for five years where "a real future" would refer to something a lot more permanent.

I mean, at the first date level, I might ask my date about her educational background if it seems important to her, and for sure I like intelligent women, but I can spot what I like better through conversation than through credentials. I think scheduling a second date without knowing my date's educational background would be completely normal.

With university education in America, in particular, asking where someone went to university is kinda similar to asking them how much money they have and how well they score on standardised tests, neither of which I would be in a hurry to reveal much curiosity about.
posted by Mike1024 at 6:15 AM on September 25

My wife complained about this behavior with me when we started dating but that's just how I am. I'm really not comfortable asking other people questions about their life. She still makes fun of the fact that I'm such a bad reporter of events in other people's lives; I never seem to know what she thinks are important facts about my friends. We often seem to have conversations where she asks something like, "So is [my friend] still dating [his girlfriend]?" and I'll say, "I have no idea, we never talked about that."
posted by octothorpe at 6:25 AM on September 25 [4 favorites]

I think you've gotten some good input and it definitely could be that he's shy, etc...that said, my experience with guys who do what you describe (answer questions about themselves but don't ask - and I don't mean in a 20 questions interrogation style or anything intrusive, but things that would come up in getting-to-know-you conversation) have been pretty self-absorbed and it never went far.

I also went out with a guy who, within 15 minutes of the start of of first (and only) date, asked me why I gave up on my marriage, how much money I made, and why women didn't go for men like him. Um.

That said, I've never done online dating, so maybe it's different.
posted by Pax at 6:30 AM on September 25

we've only hung out once because he's been on out-of-state trips for business

I think this is an important factor in evaluating your situation. If after several dates, he hasn't asked you any questions about yourself, I'd call that a red flag. After one? I think there's not enough data here. Any of the possibilities mentioned above could be true.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:52 AM on September 25

I read all the responses because this is an interesting topic--I may be a bit like Octothorpe, for example.

Then I went back to the OP and found that you've only actually met once (!) in person.

Any concerns you may have about his online cyberbehavior are way premature. The relationship has no reality until you've been humans together for a few months. I hope you'll give it a little time, and I wish you the best of luck.
posted by JimN2TAW at 7:03 AM on September 25 [1 favorite]

Yeah, this...sounds like me. As a shy person who is lacking in social skills, I tend to miss asking obvious questions. Sometimes I'm too busy overthinking the situation, or blundering on to the next topic, or just generally feeling uneasy the way I imagine foreign exchange students must feel. I often later realize that I didn't ask a question to which I really wanted to know the answer.

I also tend to be overly aware of all the ways in which a seemingly innocuous question could be inappropriate. I mean, I don't mind talking about my siblings, but I know people who don't have good relationships with their families and don't want to discuss it. So even though the vast majority of people are happy to discuss their family members, I won't ask until you mention them, because there it some hypothetical chance that you might not want to talk about them.

And this sort of school? family? etc.? demographic questioning can end up feeling more like an interrogation than a conversation. I can tell you where I went to school, but that doesn't tell you anything about me. For that to be meaningful information, you need to know why I went there and what I studied and how it affected me and blah blah blah. But if I don't know you, I don't know what questions to ask to get to the meaningful information surrounding your easy facts. So I'd rather just converse and see where it goes.

As I become comfortable with someone, I stop doing this and I can relax and just fucking hang out like a normal person without overthinking a plate of conversation. Occasionally I meet someone with whom I can be comfortable near-immediately but usually it takes a couple of weeks or even months. This applies to all people, not just dates, and there's nothing different about online dating versus any other way of meeting people.

This is why I drink too fucking much.
posted by little e at 7:12 AM on September 25 [2 favorites]

I have a friend like this and it drives me crazy! He's my email buddy and sometimes we play "Questions" where we take turns asking and answering. He's more than happy to answer them and ask them (while we are playing the game) but I tend to be the more curious of human nature of the two. It may be that he, like my husband, handles things on a "need to know" basis. I, OTOH, live in "need to know" land all the time! hehe

Lots of good comments above so collect some more data and see what happens. I've known my friend for eight years and he's been like that the whole time. Doesn't mean he doesn't care what goes on with me. (Otherwise, why hang out for 8 years, right?)

Good luck!
posted by Mysticalchick at 7:20 AM on September 25

I'm too sleep deprived to read the other answers, but this immediately reminded me of my husband. We've been together five years and he's still of the mindset that if I want him to know something, I'll tell him. I'm like you, I think it shows interest to ask reciprocal questions, but he is extremely self-conscious of seeming pushy or overbearing. Yeah, I don't really get it either. Also, he spends a lot of time in his head (damn philosophy majors), which can come off as lack of interest in others.

Anyway, it's not clear if you've met the guy in person yet or not (see above sleep deprivation). If not, I wouldn't write him off until you meet for real. As a veteran online dater, I can tell you that online interactions are a very poor predictor of real life chemistry. Guys get shot down all the time online and some of them get very gunshy (see above husband).

But if this is just the way he is, you're going to have to be more upfront and assertive about telling him things and initiating conversations. Depends if the guy is worth it.
posted by desjardins at 7:35 AM on September 25

ie "Where did you go to school?" To this day (three weeks later) he hasn't asked me the same question. I ask about his family eg "how many siblings do you have? He doesn't ask about mine.

These are not details I'd give the slightest bit of a toss about in a relationship as early as you suggest it is - am I right you've only hung out ONCE? Who cares where you went to school when you are just working out who each other ARE, never mind where you've been. In fact, I can't remember off hand where my wife went to school - I'm sure she may have mentioned it, but I couldn't really give a crap; it's just not an important detail, especially in the early stages.

In the same way, I'd always rather volunteer details about me far before I'd ask for the same details back. I'd rather people told me what they wanted to than quiz them.

You are obsessing about details, he is probably just trying to work out who you are and, from the feedback you give, liking what he finds out. I never pry or ask people (relationships or not) details about their personal life as it just isn't anywhere near as important to me as it seems to be to you. Nothing about where someone went to school changes who they are now - who you are now is by far of greater importance.

People get to know people in different ways. If your guy is anything like me, past trivia (even siblings - there's time to find that out when you plan to have him visit) just isn't that relevant. I'd rather spend time with the person and see who they are without a questionnaire. You're making way too much of this. Let him get to know you how he feels comfortable and stop worrying.
posted by Brockles at 7:35 AM on September 25

And this sort of school? family? etc.? demographic questioning can end up feeling more like an interrogation than a conversation.

yeah, this. my husband says I'm "interrogating" him when I'm asking him simple questions.
posted by desjardins at 7:37 AM on September 25

Oh, also, I have been told that I don't seem shy or lacking in social skills. So that doesn't necessarily reflect reality.
posted by little e at 7:56 AM on September 25

Mr. Cestmoi is like that too. He'll share anything and just seems to assume others will too. Took him ages to ask anything like that directly, and he's not really that comfortable asking.

And after only one face to face it is too early to be this concerned:)
posted by cestmoi15 at 8:03 AM on September 25

I am also in the camp that it is not too big of a deal yet, but not because he is "shy" or introverted"--it's strictly a manners thing. A lot of people weren't taught the basics on conversation and polite manners, especially if he did not engage in much structured social activity when he was younger (which I suppose could be the result of shyness). His parents probably didn't teach him the basics of polite conversation, it really may not even occur to him that he should be asking these things, maybe to him they are unimportant to how he feels about you.

There's no firm answer for this. It could be a red flag or could be totally benign. If it bothers you however, then you have to address it. I think it's unlikely that he will change much without the willingness to realize it is a problem, and it will be a problem if you are going to other social activities where conversation is involved. All your friends will think he is a jerk, and you'll be constantly making excuses for him. Good luck.
posted by the foreground at 8:49 AM on September 25 [1 favorite]

little e writes "Yeah, this...sounds like me. As a shy person who is lacking in social skills, I tend to miss asking obvious questions. Sometimes I'm too busy overthinking the situation, or blundering on to the next topic, or just generally feeling uneasy the way I imagine foreign exchange students must feel. I often later realize that I didn't ask a question to which I really wanted to know the answer."

little e sounds a lot like me. In my case besides being a bit shy I don't have much of an innate social sense of what an appropriate topic of discussion is. Instead I've developed an extensive collection of conscious rulesets for interactions. However any new to me social situation is fraught with land mines of potential disastrously inappropriate words and painful experience has taught me to keep my mouth shut when I'm not otherwise sure a question is OK to ask. So until I know you fairly well I'll answer just about any question but I won't ask very many personal questions.

IE: I might ask you whether you like your job but I won't ask you where you work. I won't ask any apparently pregnant woman any questions about her pregnancy (heaven forbid she not be pregnant). I'll only talk about your house if I've seen it and then only about the parts I've seen. I won't ask you where you're from unless I already know the answer. I won't ask you anything at all about your kids or even if you have any.

It's a hard habit to break through when one is trying to meet people. For example I have to continually remind myself that when someone I'm seeing for the first time that day says "Good morning, how is it going?" the response they are expecting is something like "Good Morning. OK, and you?" and that they won't think I'm prying.
posted by Mitheral at 9:46 AM on September 25

In Conversational Style, Deborah Tannen describes two different modes of verbal interaction: high involvement and high considerateness. Speakers who lean toward the high involvement end of the spectrum tend to assume that, in a dialogue, both speakers will actively direct the flow of the conversation and overlaps in speech (i.e. both interlocutors speaking simultaneously) will occur as a matter of course (indeed, are a sign that your interlocutor is actively engaged in the conversation). When two high-involvement speakers talk to each other, there conversation shifts topics frequently and there is a lot of talking over one another, creating a sense of "camaraderie." Speakers who lean toward the high considerateness end of the spectrum believe that people should make room in the conversation for their interlocutors and avoid "imposing"; when two high-considerateness speakers talk to each other, the conversation takes a distinct back-and-forth form while each listener quietly listens to what the speaker has to say and, at the end of his/her turn, the speaker attempts to shift attention back to the listener.

This in and of itself is not all that significant, but what's really interesting is what happens when people who come from different ends of the spectrum interact. The high-involvement interlocutor thinks, "Wow, this person doesn't seem to be interested at all in what I'm saying -- he's just sitting there, not saying anything, not joining in. I'm doing it all myself here. And when he says something and I try to support him, he just clams up and stops talking. How rude!" The high-considerateness interlocutor, meanwhile, thinks, "Wow, this person is totally dominating the conversation, and isn't asking me any questions/making any space for me. And when I start saying something he interrupts me! How rude!"

My point is not necessarily that you or he fits into one of these categories, although it is possible that you do. My point is that people behave differently in conversations, and we can't assume that it reflects some kind of deep emotional state or psychological trait -- nor can we assume that OUR way of conversing is the correct one and the other person is doing it wrong or "[wasn't] taught the basics on conversation and polite manners." I'm also not saying "this is just the way he is, and you have to live with it because you shouldn't change people!" -- as a generally high-involvement speaker I have learned that I need to make an effort to ask more questions and to overlap less, not only because I know that many people interpret my conversation behavior as rude but also because, well, I want to know more about my interlocutors and if they're not going to volunteer the information I have to learn how to feel comfortable extracting it from them.

And of course it's also possible that this isn't a matter of conversational style but of lack of interest or self-absorption. That's the kind of thing you can't figure out based on one face-to-face conversation, and it's something we certainly can't judge based on the limited information you've provided.
posted by pluckemin at 10:18 AM on September 25 [7 favorites]

I was raised not to grill people*- even people I'm close to. He may be waiting for it to just come up in conversation.

Even if I very badly wanted to know where you went to school, the best I'd be able to come up with would be something like, "so did you go to school around here?"

* This has not served me well, but it's a hard habit to break.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:25 AM on September 25

actually I'm getting better about it, but it still feels rude.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:26 AM on September 25

I also agree that what the foreground and pluckemin are saying. You don't say whether you are a man or a woman, but you do say that he is a man...and my experience has been that women are more often socialized* to make a conversation pleasant, keep it going, etc. than men are. So maybe, as the foreground says, he wasn't taught/socialized to conversate (!) to the same degree you were.

*Certainly this is not a hard and fast rule, just my observation from going out with and being friends with men and comparing them to the women I know. I've seen it a lot of settings, not just dating.
posted by Pax at 10:40 AM on September 25 [1 favorite]

I think it's a bit rude to ask people what they do for work, what school they went to, about their family...you don't know if they just got laid off, are embarrassed about their school, or have an alcoholic father.

So I just let people tell me as it comes. I think there are usually more interesting things to talk about, anyway.

And you've only seen him once. Once is not a pattern. Three times is a pattern.
posted by kathrineg at 11:01 AM on September 25 [1 favorite]

Oh and for what it's worth--I hate it when people ask me those kinds of questions, especially when I don't know them. It seems nosy, and like they are trying to assess me.

There is definitely an old-school manners point of view about these kinds of questions.

I believe Miss Manners agrees with me and small_ruminant's parents!
posted by kathrineg at 11:04 AM on September 25

asciident & various others... Yes. Let's not derail this.

The question is about someone the OP met online dating and what his behavior might mean.

Some people have taken this to be a question expressly concerned with behavior and personality style. I sorta looked at it from the perspective of first few dates/interactions born of an internet dating connection -- what could this guy be about?

The overall consensus is that this is no big deal. I'll go along with that -- with the caveat that if the OP's intuition continues to nudge her, she should look into it. Could be this guy has a personality style she just can't "get" with. Could be nothing. We don't know, we can not tell from the details stated.

As for the other part... Is it cyber-stalking to vet someone you've met online dating before you get too involved with them?

I didn't make it a primary suggestion, at any rate. But I thought it prudent to suggest this option if the OP continues to feel like things don't "track." I've done quit a bit of online dating, as have friends. We've talked about our experiences. Sometimes a little vetting of references is a good thing.
posted by jbenben at 11:49 AM on September 25

I think I have to revise my answer because The more I think about it, something just doesn't jibe here for me. In particular, I find it strange that he mentioned the bit about "seeing a real future together" without actively trying to find out (much) about you. What he is basing that statement on then, exactly? Looks? You say that you two click, which I assume means do have some sort of decent conversation together, so I think my point about the lack of social skills/manners may not have been too astute.

That being said, I also didn't compute how short the amount of time was in question. If you feel real chemistry there, give it at least another date or two in person before making any decisions. You have a concern, so monitor if he just a suave, conversational pick up artists trying to woo you into bed or if he seems to genuinely care about you.
posted by the foreground at 12:12 PM on September 25

just checking...you met online - was it on a dating site that had general info in your profile and so he feels no need to ask?
posted by WeekendJen at 2:14 PM on September 25

Datapoint. My husband is like this and always has been. It kind of bothered me too. But his deal is that he's an extreme extrovert and a storyteller. To this day I have to remind him to ask how my day was. But I'm just as happy that he'll spend two hours telling me what he thought about in the car.

So I wouldn't put it in the dealbreaker category without a few more dates at least.
posted by shopefowler at 8:24 PM on September 25

If I want to know something about a person, the last thing I would do is ask them over email or IM. I want to be watching them when it comes up.

People usually have canned answers about the usual 20 questions anyway, so you don't get to know much about them from hearing about their school, number of siblings, first job, favorite book/movie/youtube and what they think of the weather.

Just something to think about.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:00 PM on September 25

Is it cyber-stalking to vet someone you've met online dating before you get too involved with them?

Eh, doesn't everybody google everybody these days just for fun anyway? (Admittedly I have an excessively dull job with plenty of time to sit around saying "hey wonder if new acquaintance/former professor/elementary school classmate has done anything of note lately", so maybe that's just me.) I don't understand how this has anything to do with the question, though.
posted by little e at 5:18 AM on September 26

As a guy, don't read into this. I used to do the same thing, simply out of nerves and shyness. Let him warm up to you for another month and he'll start asking what you want.
posted by nokry56 at 8:47 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]

Hey, little and others who asked about my answers...

The OP wants to know why 'online dating guy' might not be asking personal questions. Honestly? I think something significant is nagging at OP's intuition. When it comes to online dating, I believe OP's description smacks of red flags.... But consensus among the hive is there is nothing to read into.

I don't know where to go with that. I want my answers to be helpful, not come off all conspiracy theory crazeee.

I think the best thing OP can do is google online guy and confirm things he's said or written. It would be good if the job thing tracks and he really is out of town often. OP may not be able to confirm current relationship status or the like, but that would be helpful, too

Sadly, if OP found significant differences between guy's stories and any verifiable facts... I wouldn't be too surprised. Certainly, I am concerned enough to keep repeating the advice.

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I'll include my evaluation process below, but I would hate hate hate from that to distract from anything else going on here.

Thing is, my friends and I used to play this dinner party game where one person displayed a possible romantic match's online dating profile or first few email exchanges, and the rest of the group guessed how the dates went, etc. When I read the question, I could not help but assess the question from this perspective.


I am aware this is an ask.me question and not a party game. I'm also aware I only have a fragment of the picture and I am not looking at online guy's profile or email exchanges with OP!


FWIW, here is what me and my dinner party friends would have guessed about OP's 'online guy' and why:

OP gives us 3 tangible data points about guy to consider: (a) met him online (duh!) (b) his words and his actions are not in alignment -- he's super charming and in regular contact, but doesn't seek out personal info (c) he's out of town a lot.

In an online dating scenario, this is usually the mark of a man who is married, has a SO, or is otherwise unavailable for a real live LTR.

Working backwards, the reasoning is as follows....

Guy works out of town or visits the OP's area regularly and guy is only available 1 week out of 4. Then why strike up an internet connection? Most likely, this is someone who is looking for fun or a distraction, not an LTR.

Speaking of LTR's... saying 'we might have a future together' + not asking OP personal details? Definitely the sign of someone who doesn't want to "see" the OP as a real person with real feelings. If online guy is playing some sort of game or seeking to distract himself with flirting and the possibility of sex the next time he's in town... he's on target to keep his conscience worry-free.

Lastly, online dating can be fairly hazardous to one's heart. When exchanging phone calls and emails with someone who is ACTIVELY pursuing you, yet you don't know in a context beyond the internet AND they don't have time to get together on a regular basis?? Yeah. You want to confirm as much as possible about them. Anyone can say anything in an online profile, doesn't make it true.

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BTW, my friends who used to play the guessing game? They were definitely of mixed gender and sexual preference. I want that clear in case anyone thinks I'm describing the process of a bunch of ladies sipping wine and judging some guy's motivations based on his use of punctuation, eh! So not the case!! In fact, after a while it seemed like genuine romantic prospects were easy to discern from the losers no matter the gender or preferences involved. I think maybe that's how they game got boring and we stopped playing.

Also, once again -- I'm extrapolating off a fragment and not the total picture. I get that. Still, I find the OP's motivation to write this question significant. It struck me right away that the details I found of note (based on experience) were mentioned but not troubling to the OP. This more than anything else made me think I ought to "pipe up."

It would be interesting to know how this all turned out. And while the deductive process I described might have nothing to do with the OP, I hope someone finds it helpful:)
posted by jbenben at 11:12 AM on September 29