How bad is too bad?

September 24, 2009 8:34 AM

I know all jobs come with some tedium, some hankering for freedom, but I've never felt as desolate as I do now. How bad can the wrong job make you feel?

I'm in my 30s and I've been doing a job that is a bad fit for over a year now. I had doubts from the start but it offered a big pay increase and was more convenient for travel etc.

I now feel like I compromised too much and dread going in to work. I get on with colleagues ok but don't like or respect the organisation and have a constant fear that I'll be found out. I have no motivation, I'm becoming distant, I'm numb. I keep having dreams about my boss forcing me to own up. My doctor said I have mild depression, related to stress. I know that unhappiness in your job is pretty common, but I need some perspective on how bad 'common' is and whether the problem is actually with me rather than the job.

My main thought is that, being very corporate and rather dry, it's the wrong environment, but a nagging doubt makes me think that actually I'm inherently lacking in something, am just immature and need to stop resisting. If this is the case, how would I know? What should I do to fit in better?

If this is something you've overcome I'd love to hear how you dealt with it. I need inspiration!

posted by anonymous to work & money (22 comments total)

Find things outside of work that you can really enjoy. Take a class in something you've always wanted to learn. Get involved in some community group. If your life outside of work is stimulating and exciting you'll be better at dealing with the tedium and might find some creative ways to improve your work.
posted by mareli at 8:40 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

My work situation got to the point that I was focusing more on what I was missing out on (feeling fulfilled & engaged) that what I was gaining (money).
I quit.
A scary choice at the time, but I'm so glad I did it. (YMMV)
posted by alight at 8:49 AM on September 24 [2 favorites]

Great question. I think there are conflicting factors at work here...

First off, you know what you're good at and what you like to do. If this job calls upon none of those things, it's probably a bad fit. Think, "artist being forced to code databases."

At the same time, though, I've found outlook to be so huge. It's so easy to fall into a rut of feeling discouraged and reacting to events. Ever notice how some people seem to tolerate these situations well, even thrive? They tend to be more focused on proactive behavior and seeing the good side of things.
posted by dualityofmind at 8:51 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

Do you have ambitions outside this job, or do you not care what you do as long as you make money? Having something to work for helps, although as evidenced by my question yesterday, not all the time.

If you still hate it after a year, I'd say the only thing that'll help is looking for a new job. Nothing immature in figuring out what you really want to do.
posted by oinopaponton at 8:54 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

To answer the question in your first paragraph, this was how bad being in the wrong job made me feel. I tried to hang in there by doing things outside of work that I enjoyed, but none of that seemed to matter when I had to go back to work the following morning and begin the dreadful cycle all over again.

So I quit.

A month later, all of my friends and relatives keep telling me that they're so happy to see the old me back again. They can see what a huge difference it's made for me to be out of that negative environment and able to focus on the projects and goals that I actually want to accomplish.

Sometimes there are situations that you can remedy by making the necessary adjustments, but other times, you just have to determine when you've done all that you can possibly do, and the only other option available to you is to move on.

Good luck.
posted by sabira at 8:58 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

Nthing finding another outlet. You desperately need some joy in your life. Not recommending taking up something that can only be paid for by keeping this particular job and salary, but something active, preferably outdoors, perhaps with children, whether it's making and flying kites or hiking or whatever. Having a good life outside the job helps enormously with the boring/miserable/soul destroying corporate structure. You don't sound particularly immature to me, just facing what most of us do in our day to day working lives. I think this has been going on forever. Can you see a medieval saddler or weaver being thrilled every day he showed up in the shop? Anyone, all the time? Grow orchids, learn to sing, volunteer at the local zoo, anything, just get something playful to look forward to. Your spirit needs nourishing. And, if you're living in the usual modern gray box, paint something yellow or buy a bright poster, buy red sheets, get some happy colour into the usual modern grey, beige and white interior - not navy, not pastels - real colour. Make the first thing you see when you come home something you love. And buy some loud, subversive shorts to wear under the corporate uniform. That's you under the navy serge, ha!
posted by x46 at 9:04 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

P.S. And, if you still hate where you are, remember that people tend to hire positive, happy people, so the investment in yourself will not be wasted.
posted by x46 at 9:05 AM on September 24 [2 favorites]

I've had a few bad jobs, but it sounds like you have a case of the "blahs," in that you say it's just corporate, dry, and you don't respect the company. When I get like that, I just remind myself, "It's so bad, they have to pay me to be here."

If it's just the environment, well, only you know how important that is to you. If it's a toxic workplace, management is breaking the law, you are asked to go against your ethics, or something like that, then you need to quit.
posted by Houstonian at 9:07 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

The wrong job can take a huge and long-lasting toll on your well-being. I'm not saying it isn't worth investing some effort in making this one work, but you have to ask yourself how much more effort it is worth since you are over a year in. Perhaps its better at this point to start looking for something you are better suited for.
posted by Good Brain at 9:09 AM on September 24

It's the job, not you.

Find a new job immediately.

Any situation, job, or relationship that damages your self-esteem and causes depression is by definition unhealthy.

I've worked soul-crushing jobs before, so I speak from experience. You often don't realize how truly awful something is until you are away from it. If you can find a new gig w/out quitting, great! But don't be afraid to work in a coffee shop for a few weeks while you interview, either. Seriously... put yourself and your well-being first.

PS. A lot of people love to work because they love their job. You have the wrong job. It is not OK to be unhappy at work on a daily basis. Go find a job that you love.
posted by jbenben at 9:13 AM on September 24

Nthing the people here who say that you need to find another job. If you're feeling the way you do occasionally, I'd say it was the blahs, but if it's long term, it can be disastrous. You feel unmotivated and numb, your work suffers, boss sees you as under-performing, boss gets mad...you see where this is going. Do yourself and your boss a favour and find something you can get stuck into.

However, this does not mean you need to leave the organization. Maybe look for a transfer to another department, talk to your boss about being allowed to try something new? It might not work, but then again it might. I guarantee you that your boss has noticed a slide in your productivity, and might be motivated to help you try your hand at another task in the office if it means you can become a productive member of the team again.

Good luck!
posted by LN at 9:43 AM on September 24

I could have posted this question, I'm in the exact same position. Unfortunately quitting is not an option as i have to support myself, by myself. I wish I could offer advice other than look for another job and make sure you have good hobbies outside of work. All in all I would rather be doing my old job which I also hated, but nowhere near as much as this one!
posted by nunoidia at 9:45 AM on September 24

I think when jobs work for people (where they describe themselves as being happy or satisfied), the person is in a sort of sweet spot on three factors:

1. You're interested in the topic (You work as a lawyer, and you like the law, or you work at save the children and you really are interested in human rights). In short - it's Right Topic

2. You're good at actual tasks the job requires (you work as a program coordinator at save the children, and you really like organizing things, working with deadlines, etc.). In short - it's Right Skills

3. the environment at that actual job is a comfortable or healthy (so, non for profits really have different environments than corporate). In short - it's Right Setting

When it works best, all three are aligned, like syzygy (when the sun, moon and earth all line up perfectly). So, it's a rough framework that doesn't fit all situations, but in general: Right Topic + Right Skills + Right Setting = Right Fit.

For example, for the law: you really want to protect people from domestic violence (Right Topic) AND and want to do it as a prosecutor where really like the entire process of trying a case from prepping to the trial (Right Skills) AND you really respect/like your colleagues and boss (Right Setting) = Right Fit.

I think if you have two out of three, you can still be okay, but it starts to get dodgy. For example, you could have Right Topic and Right Setting, but Wrong Skills. So, you really believe in save the children's mission, AND you really like your boss and colleagues, BUT you're really, really terrible at organizing programs. You're not good at deadlines, you're not particularly organized in your personal life, you do not have meticulous attention to a lot of detail-organizing speakers, vendors, etc - all needed to be a good coordinator of programs. (Right Topic and Right Setting, but Wrong Skills)

That 'Right Topic and Right Setting, but Wrong Skills' scenario seems to be the worst for people, because you believe in the mission and the people are so supportive: why can't you just pull yourself together and do your job? Usually, because you're probably just better at something else. So you should still work at save the children, AND with good people like your boss and colleagues BUT you should just be in a different job and do something else - like be the grant writer for save the children, because you are really good a writing, research, and making compelling arguments, particularly when on a topic you really believe in.

With some scenarios, you can see the solution quickly: You're a fine program coordinator and save the children's mission is perfect, but your boss is a tyrant. That just means you need to leave that job an go work at some other similar organization. (Right Topic, Right Skills, Wrong Setting). But with other combinations it seems harder to not see it as an innate failure. And it's not. Also, sometimes people don't tease out these three different factors - if one (Right X) is off, they question and assume all three are off, which seems soul crushing.

And if 2 or all 3 are off, it gets pretty bad. So if you don't particularly care about the topic or concept of the work either way, and you really, really aren't good at the task (say sales), even if you like your colleagues, if you don't care for the corporate environment - or at least that corporate environment....well, that's some serious misery.

So to get back to your question, how will you know? I think the questions are:

1. Do you like the topic or area you're working in?
2. Regardless of the topic or area, do you like the actual day to day tasks? Are you good at them?
3. Regardless of your topic and the day to day tasks, do you like the corporate environment?

Whatever is a yes, celebrate. Whatever isn't is where you start tweaking. In the end, you might consider changing the type of work you do or the organization where you do it. I'd start talking to people in really different jobs and trying to figure out why it's a Right Fit for them.

And, I'd start there before assuming that it's some sort of personal failure on my part. Don't do that to yourself. You're smart enough to realize and pay attention to the data suggesting that a situation that doesn't work for you. Rather than try to squeeze your great round peg into that square hole, focus on appreciating that you recognize the discomfort as a message, and take steps to explore other options that may be a better fit for you. Yes, you could 'suck it up' and make' yourself do this work. But if you don't have to, if you have the benefit of exploring other options, like a get out of jail free card in Monopoly, you should totally use it.
posted by anitanita at 9:49 AM on September 24 [13 favorites]

When I left my last job, I didn't fully realize how unhappy I was until I left. It's funny because I've always been the one telling people that if you dread doing it, you should really consider quitting.

Of course, today, I don't recommend out and out quitting. Just start looking for something new.
posted by advicepig at 9:58 AM on September 24

I worked in a soul destroying environment for three years. Mind you, it started out awesome and had the potential to be the Best. Job. Ever. but ... it wasn't. All areas of my life were affected and some of the damage is irreparable. It's taken me two (!) years to regain some measure of equanimity and it will probably take me that long again to fully assess the emotional and financial toll.

Long story short? I knew within the first six months that I should leave ... wish I would have listened to myself. YMMV
posted by Allee Katze at 10:26 AM on September 24 [3 favorites]

To some degree, if it didn't suck, it wouldn't be "work". That said, there are definitely work environments that are intolerable, and you're right for feeling that there is better out there.

Start shooting out your resume now, and don't feel ashamed.
posted by Citrus at 10:38 AM on September 24

Some jobs just don't match you. You need to start looking elsewhere for employment/fulfillment. Having a nice paycheck is fine, but in the end, you'll need to feel some kind of positivity about the place where you spend most of your waking life. I'm in the same boat. To answer your question, how bad is too bad: When you look forward to missing a week of work, even if you'll be spending it in the hospital having surgery, it might be time to quit. And yeah, that's about how I feel about my job. A combination of coworker woes, mixed with the inherent pointlessness of the job is making me question if I even want to be in this field (which I used to love) anymore. So much so that I look forward to missing a week of work to have my gallbladder removed.

Get out as soon as you can.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:46 PM on September 24

When I was at the Job from Hell, in addition to feeling suicidal regularly, I spent every single work morning for an entire year waking up with dry heaves. (Broke a capillary under one eye while retching once, so I have a visual reminder of that period every time I look in the mirror.) Getting "invited to submit my resignation" was the best thing that ever happened to me, in retrospect.

Based on my own experience: You don't realize how miserable this is making you and how much it's taking out of you. It's not something that can be addressed with hobbies or activities. This indicates absolutely nothing about your character or moral worth. You should quit before the depression and lassitude get you fired/invited to resign.

If you quit, you will feel like you've taken off a backpack that had 100 pounds of lead in it. If you get fired/invited to resign, you'll still feel 100 pounds lighter, but you'll be distracted by beating yourself up and won't realize it for a while.

From my heart, OMG life is too short to put yourself through this. Get out, get out, get out. Beans and rice are cheap and being broke is better than being miserable and beat down by your job.
posted by Lexica at 6:27 PM on September 24 [1 favorite]

The wrong job can make you feel terrible. Unless this is a clear pattern (you've felt this way in other jobs), trust your instinct that the problem is the job. Start looking for a way out. In the meantime, use sick days sporadically to preserve your mental and psychological health.
posted by salvia at 10:41 AM on September 25

Another tip: do small things that remind you that they don't "own" you. Take full lunches away the office in a nice, sunny park. Listen to The Humpty Dance or Hits from the Bong or something else totally unprofessional in your headset ("get stoopid"). As I already suggested, take the occasional sick day to renew yourself (mental health is real).

Don't let these be a substitute for looking for a new job (or they'll get stale really quick); use them to keep your spirits up enough so you can look for a new job. Remind yourself what it feels like to do things that make yourself happy.
posted by salvia at 10:48 AM on September 25

I think this Venn diagram has some truth to it (also similar sentiment to anitanita's answer).
posted by eebs at 8:22 PM on September 27

Have you considered going back to school? Think about what you'd really like to be doing. If that's financially unreasonable, think about alternatives that you still wouldn't mind doing. There are always other options, I think, especially if you have some money saved up. Use it to start over. Look through associate's degree programs or occupational career centers. I'm assuming you have at least some money, since you've stayed with the job for a while and just got a big pay increase. Nursing school? Veterinary technician work? Dental assistant? Photographer? Tutoring? A lot of night classes are offered, too.

I don't suggest trying to comfort yourself in your current job, or looking for hobbies as a temporary solution, really. Even if you find hobbies you are still going to be miserable for a huge part of your week, and maybe even worse, you'll look back one day and say "Why did I waste my life doing that?"
posted by problemcat at 10:06 PM on September 29