Is He Just Not That Into Me?

September 16, 2009 5:25 PM

Is he just not that into me or what?

So there's this guy I'm cybercrushing on ... He's a model who's moving to the city I live in in a couple of months. There are four of us on this social networking website who have bonded and I've met the other two in person. Recently, one of them posted a video of him, me, and another dude about some random stuff. We all have photos posted of ourselves on this social networking website so it's no mystery to the guy I have a crush on what I look like. But in the video I had a voice and personality. He sent me a message saying, "You are really handsome ... more than you let on. Just saw the video. Very handsome indeed!" Later we were chatting about gay dating and ethnicity. I was saying that since I'm not white (I'm South Asian) a lot of people can't really figure out where I'm from and probably aren't into darker skinned guys like me. He said, "I like 'em swarthy :)" So I thought maybe he's flirting with me. But before that he was saying that he has a type. There are exceptions but his type is a white guy in his mid-30s with dark hair. And I obviously don't fit that description.

All of this is ridiculous because he's the only one among us we haven't met in person yet and won't until a couple of more months when he moves here. But my question is, is he flirting with me? Or just stringing me along for kicks? Is he just not that into me? In short, would you suss it out some more online or just let it go and move on?

posted by cscott to human relations (13 comments total)

Who knows? Flirt with him more and see how he reacts.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:34 PM on September 16 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he isn't into you. He already said you're very handsome, so maybe he was hinting that you were one of those exceptions. And attraction is more than just looks.
posted by kookaburra at 5:35 PM on September 16

Dude, he's not there yet. He's engaging in low-level flirting because, you know, once he's there you two might hook up.

The answer is that he's just not that into you, but that's because he hasn't had a chance to get into you, no pun intended.

Just relax, flirt, and see what happens. Jeez. Getting all het up will only bring the crushing heaviness of expectation to a light and developing thing.
posted by klangklangston at 5:35 PM on September 16

I mean, haven't you ever laid groundwork before?
posted by klangklangston at 5:36 PM on September 16 [8 favorites]

Don't suss it out online, just wait 'til he gets there and suss it out in person.

His "type" is white guys, which means you get to be the awesome dude who forces him to reevaluate EVERY EXPECTATION HE HAS, thus making him feel FREE AND ALIVE

You got to GO FOR IT
posted by Greg Nog at 5:47 PM on September 16 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't worry about what he describes as his "type." He's flirting, and getting to know you. Flirt right back and have fun for now!
posted by katemcd at 5:49 PM on September 16

Insufficient data for meaningful answer. You'll have to flirt more.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:50 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

Most people who say they have a "type" aren't slow to drop it when they get the opportunity. For example, if you pressed me to say what my type was, I'd say older than me, is really smart, and has a beard, but the last three guys I've hooked up with are my age or younger, were not rocket scientists, and only one of them had a beard.

So, you know, types, shmypes.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:08 PM on September 16

Too early to tell. Enjoy the process of finding out more.
posted by davejay at 8:30 PM on September 16

Thanks so much for the advice! I think I'm gonna let this one go. I have a feeling if I chat with him more I'll just end up getting my hopes up for no reason ... Thanks again!
posted by cscott at 11:36 PM on September 16

"You are really handsome ... more than you let on. Just saw the video. Very handsome indeed!"... He said, "I like 'em swarthy :)" So I thought maybe he's flirting with me.

Yes, he's flirting.
posted by rokusan at 3:11 AM on September 17

I think I'm gonna let this one go.

You realize that almost everyone else is telling you to keep pursuing it . . . right?!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:53 AM on September 17 [2 favorites]

But my question is, is he flirting with me?

He's flirting with you.

Or just stringing me along for kicks?

2) First of all, a person can both flirt and be toying with someone. Flirting does not suggest sincerity. I'm not saying that that's what this guy is doing, but it's not unheard of. Second of all, there's alot of reasons for flirting besides "flirting because you're totally into a person and "flirting because you're like the attention, even though you have no interest in the person."

Is he just not that into me?

"Just that into you" behavior is for two people who have some sort of IRL connection. It doesn't really apply to people who have never met face to face. There's no list of things which a person who you've never met should be doing to show that he's into you. There's no way to know.

In short, would you suss it out some more online or just let it go and move on?

Neither. You're never going to be able to figure this one out online, even with a direct question like "So do you LIKE-like me? I know we haven't met in person, but I need to know." That doesn't mean you should let it go and move on. Give him a chance to get to know you more online, and also in person when you meet him in a couple months.
posted by 23skidoo at 6:24 AM on September 17