Can this LDR work out?

September 15, 2009 11:41 AM

Do I end a great relationship because of possible future conflicts?

I’m in quite the dilemma. Me and my boyfriend are both in our mid-20’s and have been dating for a little over two years. I recently moved long distance to start up grad school (PhD in Chem, so 4-7 years), while he is still finishing his post-bac, pre-med work where we met. I like where I’m at, as it is a good program and I have a good support system in the area. He is willing to move and would like to come live with me, but the med program here is extremely selective and takes in almost exclusively in-state residents. There are no other medical schools close by either. Also, he is not applying until next year, so it will be over a year from now when we will know where he got into school.

So... that leaves us wondering, what’s next? We could continue doing this relationship long distance hoping that some possible solution comes out of the blue, but should we? And for how long? We are both motivated and a bit stubborn, and neither of us wants to sacrifice our career dreams. However, neither of us wants to break up either. The more I think about it, the more hopeless the situation seems.

Our relationship was really good before realizing the future was a dilemma. We have a lot of love for each other and while I’m not sure it will last forever, I don’t want to have to end it now just because there is a high probability of future conflicts. I know love can’t solve everything, but I can’t stand to end the relationship because of distance. And this question (http://ask.metafilter.com/129042/Gradschool-relationships-and-geography-can-all-three-work) brought another possible dilemma of residency to my attention. Even if we somehow make the next few years work, what about after? I’m not exactly one to follow my significant other around.

Am I prolonging the inevitable? Should I just rip the life band-aid and try to move on? Or do I take a chance on love and do whatever it takes to make it work? Should I just relax and enjoy what we have going right now? Any advice or personal experiences with long distance relationships would be appreciated. I’ll follow up with a moderator if needed.

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

If he took off a year and worked, living with you, would he be considered in-state, and thus privy to a better selection at the med school program near you?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:46 AM on September 15 [3 favorites]

roomthreeseventeen's idea is a good one. Also, if he worked at something like being an EMT, being a hospital lab assistant, or in another medically related field, that would be very likely to improve his chances for med school admission.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:53 AM on September 15 [1 favorite]

There may be some big downsides to an LDR, and there may be all sorts of specific issues and options like roomthreeseventeen suggests... I just want to say (I've said it in one or two other threads) that a relationship shouldn't be judged as good or bad based on whether it will "work out" in the future. Our culture has lots of insane ideas about how relationships that end were "failures" or "mistakes" and then you find the "right one" and you prove that it's the right one because it keeps going all the way until you die and then on your deathbed you get to say "I won!"

It is wise not to store up trouble for the future. But it is really important, if you're enjoying what's happening now, to place a lot of value on that, because it is only ever now.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 11:54 AM on September 15 [20 favorites]

I have two sets of friends who handled this differently and it worked out for both couples.

One couple was split between Chicago and New York and loved it. They were together every other weekend or so. She always said "Those were the best years of our marriage - we were always so happy to see each other." She chalked it up to never having to argue about who left the cap off the toothpaste and which side of the sink the soap goes on.

The other couple has come to an agreement that when they are in the same city they are a couple and when they aren't they have a semi-open relationship that still recognizes the primacy of their initial relationship. It works out well for them.

I think it depends on how the two of you look at being a couple. If you aren't afraid of redefining roles and thinking outside of relationship norms, with tons and tons of communication then it can work. It depends on what you think you need from a relationship and what you are willing to negotiate.
posted by Tchad at 11:55 AM on September 15

This may sound trite, but if you are in love and are willing to make your situation work, you can find a way to make it work.

If you're in the position of asking "should I just end this now rather than postpone the inevitable," you're not really in love. Sounds like you've got a good friend with benefits, though! I'm sure you'll find someone else. Good luck!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:56 AM on September 15 [6 favorites]

Should I just relax and enjoy what we have going right now?
Yes.

I've never been in this situation myself, but I feel like you should not end something good because it might not work out, sometime down the road. All relationships have the potential to end, but we still take the risk because the reward is worth it.
posted by soelo at 11:58 AM on September 15 [2 favorites]

You have to first sort out your priorities. At 24, I have chosen to go stand-by on a career in Forest Engineering, so I could come to the US and marry the love of my life. Needless to say, I'm working in a meaningless job, but have never been happier. And mind you, I was insanely ambitious about my career. Bear in mind that it isn't all or nothing, I mean, with time, I am earning experience, developing work ethics, and they are about to give me a huge promotion!, and I will soon start a Master's Program. And even though the programs that are available aren't nearly as awesome as the ones I would have chosen when I was single, I swear I would laugh at Georgetown if they asked me to leave my husband.

I guess my advice is to really analyze your priorities, and then it will really, really work out. I feel I have grown as a person, and I realized having a life outside of my career makes ME a lot happier than having a crazy UN big-shot position that will definitely occupy most of my time. We travel, we watch films, I practice completely impractical hobbies (Medieval calligraphy, Victorian letter writing, etc.) and have free time to even learn how to cook Japanese food, all this with a job that isn't impressive, but pays enough and has reasonable room for improvement.

You know...make an effort to be happy, and you'll go lucky!

Good luck!
posted by Tarumba at 12:04 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

I’m not exactly one to follow my significant other around.

This isn't necessarily a choice either of you has to make, although as an academic (right?) and med student/doctor you'll have to make more compromises than, say, an academic and a work-from-home blogger would. I think the question should be, how comfortable are you with compromising?

Surely there are places both of you could be happy living and working. It's not a matter of one person following the other, it's two people sitting down and coming up with a list of areas to target in your respective job searches.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:16 PM on September 15

Admiral Haddock This may sound trite, but if you are in love and are willing to make your situation work, you can find a way to make it work.

I agree.

"We are both motivated and a bit stubborn..." + "...what about after? I’m not exactly one to follow my significant other around."

It sounds like the two of you probably aren't going to be prepared to "...find a way to make it work". Many people compromise something to be with the person they love, maybe he'll be prepared to "...follow my significant other around".
posted by selton at 12:18 PM on September 15

It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Even if he can't be in the same town as you, maybe he could be one state over* and visits could be more frequent.

* Assuming that state is not Texas
posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 12:19 PM on September 15

I'm with Tarumba on this one. I'm currently in an LDR -- NC to Fla. It's not easy, I hate being apart from him, and it DOES cause certain pressures and stresses.

Because he is military, based in Fl, the option isn't there for him to come to me -- I must go to him if we want this to work. And so, the likely solution is that I will go there, and work a nonsense job until I can find something in my field. It's not ideal, but it gets me there.

If your partner can stand something like that, and perhaps qualify for in-state at the same time, go for it.
posted by unlucky.lisp at 12:24 PM on September 15

You've already made your decision. You've been going out a couple of years but recently opted to go someplace for grad school that is not conducive to allowing him to follow his career. "Not the type to follow my significant other around", fine, but you sound like "not the type to compromise", too.
posted by txvtchick at 12:32 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Respectfully, I don't think that you have described any "future conflicts." You have described logistical issues. Relationship conflicts are about lifestyle, religion, money, issues like that. A decade ago I ended a major relationship because I'm an atheist and she only wanted to marry a Catholic. That was a conflict.

You need to be comfortable with being apart for a while, but it doesn't sound to me like you're dealing with anything that can't be resolved when you two are further along in school or out of school. I knew tons of people in grad school who were doing what you're doing, and it's VERY common in med school where many people will go all the way across the country to go to the med school they get into. You have a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to decide whether it's worth it for you to wait until you're in the same place to really move forward with your lives.
posted by iknowizbirfmark at 1:03 PM on September 15

Just read this. I think it will allay any fear you might have.
posted by parmanparman at 1:18 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Do I end a great relationship because of possible future conflicts?

Yes. In the future. When they become actual conflicts.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:20 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

For the near term, you're in grad school, and he's wherever he is. People are talking in answers also about the longer term, having jobs/careers and negotiating the question of "who follows who around". I know you say you have "career dreams" that you're not willing to compromise, but I'd like to put it out there that the average post-grad career grows kind of organically, rather than being planned. While I was in grad school, every career panel I went to, the panelists would talk about their backgrounds, and pretty much nobody was doing anything they would have predicted in their first year of grad school. This was true whether the speakers were successful professors, employed in industry, doing an interdepartmental appointment created just for them, running their own business selling a process they designed in grad school, doing flex-time contracting while raising kids which turned into never wanting a full-time job again, or whatever. This was especially true of the happiest people - the more satisfied they were with their career paths, the more likely it was that they'd done something unexpected to get there, very often inspired by things like a geographical constraint making them negotiate an interdepartmental appointment at a local university that didn't have their specialty.

My point is that a very specialized education leads to individualized career paths that can't be predicted. Don't worry about your career location right now. - there are fewer unbendable constraints than you think there are. In any case, you can't find a solution to a problem that hasn't materialized yet. When he graduates, he'll apply to med school, and you can have some serious discussions about where he should apply, where he should go, how the two of you will manage your relationship while he's there, etc, and that will be part of his decision-making process. (was it part of your decision-making process?) Maybe his decision then would end up being that he can't arrange his med school around you, but now is not the time to decide that, especially not for you to decide that for him.
posted by aimedwander at 2:19 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

The main reason people break up in this situation is because they don't want to "waste their time" with someone that they will inevitably break up with when they could be using that time to find someone new. At least that's how my friend who broke up with her boyfriend for a similar reason explained it.
If you aren't a person with an end-goal of marriage/long-term partnership, there's not that whole issue of "if I stay with this person and we break up later on, it will be even longer until I find 'the one,'" then have fun and stay with your current boyfriend as long as it feels good. If either of you are looking to settle down sooner rather than later, maybe staying together is not ideal.
However, there are other options, such as what roomthreeseventeen suggested.
posted by ishotjr at 4:56 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

I agree that this sounds more like a logistical problem than a "We're doomed forever" issue. It's not like you have a fundamental disagreement about serious issues, you just gotta figure out how to work out who is moving where and if temporary sacrifices need to be made (or are willing to be made).

However, I would like to add a caveat to the "live and let live" attitude towards relationships that are good but you know will end in the future. I entered a relationship knowing it wasn't going to end in marriage. Though I worried about this during the relationship I continued it because the relationship was pretty excellent 99% of the time. After three years, we broke up for the reasons I knew it wasn't going to last in the beginning. Based on that incredibly painful experience, in the future if I were in that situation I would end it sooner. The time during was great, but the aftermath was more terrible than it would've been if we had not gotten so attached to one another.
posted by schroedinger at 5:31 PM on September 15

Long distance relationship here, about a year and a half now. If I could, I would change things. But it's basically impossible for us to change anything for another 6 months. After that, though, I'll probably end up delaying grad school for a year to be with her and she'll give up her country to be with me. In my opinion, starting a PhD in a place your partner can't follow you to because "you like where you're at" means that you don't value the relationship, or his career, enough to make it work. I'd break up.
posted by smorange at 7:29 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Your circumstances are very similar to ours: Mr. Kitkat and I are in our mid-late 20s, have been in a LDR, spanning Canada and USA, for three years and counting. Our separation is exacerbated by different citizenships (we literally cannot legally move to either of our countries without getting married), and we are both ambitious with career aspirations that somewhat tie us to our home countries.

We knew we would have 'logistical problems' in our future. But we decided it still was worth giving long-distance a try and I am so glad we did. Three years later, we are incredibly happy, emotionally closer, and communicate better than we've ever been before. LDRs are hard and I wouldn't recommend it to everyone but they can and do work.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this issue? Specifically to see how HE feels about breaking up vs. staying together? Because an LDR only works if both people are willing to put the effort and share the heartache of preserving an emotional relationship while being physically apart. Mutual effort is needed in any relationship but probably more so for an LDR.

Incidentally, we still don't know when and how on earth we will end up living in the same zip code again. The only thing we know is that our relationship is healthy and works right NOW. We believe that if we concentrate on the present, the future, funnily enough, tends to work itself out. And so far, that way of thinking hasn't failed us yet.
posted by kitkatcathy at 8:29 PM on September 15

Having been in LDRs in the past, I think it really does come down to being willing to plan for the future.

roomseventeen's suggestion is a good one - what can you do to get him in-state residency so he can apply? And if he becomes a resident, will you be willing to entertain the thought of moving? If you really have no interest in compromise and expect him to do all the moving, that does not bode well for the future of your relationship.
posted by canine epigram at 10:40 AM on September 16