Pausing for a future

September 15, 2009 8:06 AM

I have met a wonderful man. I really like him. We have agreed to hold off on the sex part of our relationship. Are there any statistics related to relationship/ marriage stability and the postponement of sex?

We are both in our early 30's and have had active sex lives in the past. We fool around and have a great time but always step back and cool off before we go too far. I have never put off having sex with a man, but always felt like it prevented the relationship from developing. You know how everything in a new relationship is exciting and then once you introduce sex it becomes all about the sex and then when that thrill wears off you realize you stopped getting to know one another?

He says he has always waited a long time when he really cares about a woman. This concept is so foreign to me, but I think it is great! I really see long term potential in this man.

I am looking for any statistics or web sites that discuss the whole waiting thing. All I keep coming across are teen sites or sites where people are waiting till marriage to ever have sex. I don't mind articles that discuss waiting till marriage as long as the couples are have had active sex lives in the past.

Personal stories are welcome too!

Thanks!

posted by MayNicholas to human relations (41 comments total)

You know how everything in a new relationship is exciting and then once you introduce sex it becomes all about the sex and then when that thrill wears off you realize you stopped getting to know one another?

No? No, I don't know. To me, this just means "you may need to be more conscious of the need to continue to get to know your partner." Also, I have no idea what "fooling around" constitutes in your book, but I'm really skeptical of the notion that your wonderful relationship will start degrading just because you've gone from "fooling around" to "putting a penis in a vagina." It's not like you're being chaste and never touching each other - you're being sexually active, you're just not having intercourse, and that's not some kind of magical taslismanic act that Makes Everything Different.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:24 AM on September 15 [28 favorites]

How long is "a long time"? How long have you been together?
posted by jejune at 8:26 AM on September 15

What if the sex is bad?
posted by purephase at 8:29 AM on September 15 [7 favorites]

The concept is also foreign to me - I think sex is a major part of any healthy relationship and the sooner you find out how sexually compatible you are, the better. I don't think having sex right away ruins the chances of longterm stability. Anecdotally, a friend-couple of mine had sex the first night they met. Then they had a long distance relationship for two years and are now married and living together happily on another continent.

Really, the stability prospects of a relationship are, I think, totally independent of how long you wait. But if it makes you or him feel comfortable to wait, then that's the most important thing. No?
posted by molecicco at 8:32 AM on September 15 [1 favorite]

I don't think you'll necessarily find statistics, or find that statistics are helpful, because everyone is different.

It sounds like you are finding this works for you, so I'd say, why mess with success. Just keep the lines of communication open so in case you start to change your mind down the road, you can both discuss how to handle that.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:35 AM on September 15

Yeah, that 'you know how...' bit confused me as well. It bears no relation to my own experience.

What works for you works for you. There's no great value in applying statistics to an individual case like this. Having, say, a 20% greater chance of still being together after 5 years because of behaviour X doesn't preclude the possibility that your relationship will fall apart next week.

Enjoy it while it lasts (and work on making it last) - that's all you can do. Why let statistics put pressure on you to do one thing or another? Abstinence or the lack thereof is likely a tiny factor in determining whether your relationship will survive and thrive.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 8:36 AM on September 15 [1 favorite]

It's hard to say. About 95% of Americans, both men and women, have sex before marrying. Other factors like age at the time of marriage, whether your parents stayed married, your economic situation, etc are more important. (source [pdf]).

Cohabitation before marriage is correlated with a higher divorce rate, but it does not seem to be the case that cohabitation causes divorce. "Rather, the people who cohabit are simply different from those who marry right away; their matches overall tend not to be as good. In fact, our study suggests that if there were less of a stigma associated with cohabitation and more people lived together before marriage, the divorce rate would fall because everyone would learn more about their partners' annoying habits before tying the knot."
posted by jedicus at 8:36 AM on September 15 [3 favorites]

Well, as long as you both are doing what you want to do, I think statistics and studies are irrelevant. If both partners are content, go to it (or, uh, not go to it, as the case may be).

I do have a quibble with your statement, which is essentially that sex changes everything in a not so good way. I know plenty of longterm happy couples who hit it very early on (and have some personal experience with the same). Your comment therefore sounds a bit brainwashy to me.

I'd be cautious. My experience with those who are deeply gung ho about the waiting are either (a) too religious for me (b) too inexperienced for me (c) have someone else in their life with whom they're sleeping already and are just keeping you in the wings and/or (d) have a sexual problem they aren't comfortable discussing. I'm not saying your guy is necessarily in one of those categories, but...I honestly would be a bit concerned if someone found me attractive enough to "fool around with," as you say (I don't really know what that means) for an extended time period, but not attrative enough to engage in intimacy with. Because that's what we're really talking about here: intimacy.

How long have you been seeing each other? A lot of my opinion depends on if you're talking about a month of dating or six months of dating at this stage. At some point, imho, the lack of sex becomes unnatural. Again, totally my opinion there as a self-confessed horndog, but if someone isn't, um, up for it after a few months there is some psychological disconnect there that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not saying all people should wanna go out and whore it up, I'm saying that two people who have been sexually active in previous relationships don't usually limit sex suddenly in their 30s. Therefore, I'd say go into this with eyes open. Watch to see if he's limiting intimacy for some reason other than just building the tension.
posted by December at 8:39 AM on September 15 [9 favorites]

I think the fact that you are looking for studies and statistics to support that this is a good idea suggests at a base level you think this is a bad idea.

And I agree with you. As purephase's post suggests, all that you are doing is postponing exploration of a dimension of your relationship in which you may or may not be compatible. Seems no different to me that having sex immediately and then holding off "for a long time" having conversations with the other person.

And as with several of the posters above, your "you know how..." observation makes literally no sense to me. Sex has nothing to do with getting to know someone (other than carnally).
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:41 AM on September 15

Statistics-wise, the kind of places in the US where they're big on abstinence are the kind of places where people are more likely to get divorced. But since you are both obviously not the typical kind of no-sex-before-marriage person, these statistics are irrelevant. I think it's unlikely you'll find many statistics about the relationship prospects of people who have no problem with sex before marriage but choose to refrain from sex early on in a specific relationship — it's way too precise a set of circumstances.

But the important thing is that statistics have absolutely no power whatsoever to predict what'll happen to you.

I'd echo other posters though that I personally don't relate to the idea that when you start having sex you stop getting to know someone.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 8:44 AM on September 15

I knew about the cohabitation thing and also that duration of relationship before marriage correlates to the rate of divorce. That is why I wondering if there might be some statistics regarding sex.

We are both open to rethink this choice down the road and it is too soon to tell where this will go. I just really enjoy reading up on relationship statistics and processes. Is it so wrong to be curious?

I am surprised that some of you are confused by what I said. Maybe that has happened to me because I have just been picking the wrong men!
posted by MayNicholas at 8:44 AM on September 15

Apparently the book Not Tonight, Mr. Right explores this theory. (Not endorsing, just trying to answer the question.)
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:45 AM on September 15

I just really enjoy reading up on relationship statistics and processes. Is it so wrong to be curious? I am surprised that some of you are confused by what I said.

I think people understand your question (though, again, more details about what durations we're talking about would be helpful, considering that your whole question is about durations of time). The reason you're getting surprisingly resistant answers is that people are trying to read between the lines. On the face of it, your question is asking for statistics, so one way to answer that would be to provide statistics. But something about asking for statistics to guide how one behaves in the early stages of a relationship sounds a little off. It suggests that you want to quantitatively rationalize a decision that's inevitably based on your feelings for this person, not aggregated data about other people.

If you disagree with all that, and you really just want the statistics, then of course that's totally fine and you can disregard the skeptical responses include this very comment. But there is a good reason why you're getting those responses.
posted by jejune at 8:54 AM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Btw... we have not been together long at all. Only a week. Like I said, waiting is new to me, so I am really in to reading up on it and seeing what it is all about. It is not a religious based decision at all. And I am not in crisis mode or anything, just really curious. I have never dated a man who didn't expect to get laid.
posted by MayNicholas at 9:00 AM on September 15

Well, the problem is when you stop learning about each other. I've had an active sex life, and I've been in relationships where we waited a few months, but if both people in the relationship were mature it wasn't like there was any real pressure to have sex.

Sex can often be a great way to release some of the anxiety that comes with relationships. The problem is that you have to have other ways to get over and handle that anxiety. I agree that sex becomes a problem when it's always one person initiating and not both... but that's why you should date someone whose sex drive matches yours.

I don't think that there's a big deal about waiting ... it just shouldn't be that big of a deal in the first place. If you want to fuck, fuck. If you don't want to fuck because you want to stop short for some reason, don't feel guilty about it. The whole point of waiting like you're doing is to relax and remove the anxiety, not to build it up into something more than it was even in the first place!
posted by SpecialK at 9:02 AM on September 15

This post on BlogHer sounds like it might have meaning for you. I found it by Googling "waiting for sex" and of course there are other links there which may be of interest to you.

You know how everything in a new relationship is exciting and then once you introduce sex it becomes all about the sex and then when that thrill wears off you realize you stopped getting to know one another?

Nope, don't know that feeling. Introducing sex usually means a greater level of knowing each other as you find out what each other like, how they person found out they like that, sexual history (both awkward and painful) and various places sex has occurred.

In short, having sex shouldn't mean you stop getting to know one other. It should probably mean the opposite.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:03 AM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Btw... we have not been together long at all. Only a week. Like I said, waiting is new to me, so I am really in to reading up on it and seeing what it is all about.

....This kind of changes things a little -- or not, actually, considering I'm about to tell you exactly the same thing, which is that "statistics won't help you."

He actually sounds like a really self-aware guy, in the sense that he knows that he wants to get to know you before you get into the sex thing. Like he said -- he waits when he cares about someone. You have implied that you also agree this could be good, you just haven't habitually done it.

So...why are you looking up statistics again? He just wants to wait, and he's told you why, and you are inclined to think it could be a good idea to try it.

fuck what anyone else says and just do what feels right to you. It's only been a week, just let things develop the way that feels right for you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:04 AM on September 15

To me, on the longer scale, you're going to introduce sex into the relationship at some point, right? No matter what that point is, be it tomorrow or six months or a year from now, you'd thus still be potentially vulnerable to the "it becomes all about sex" issue, which sounds like something that needs to be worked through, and not something that will somehow just be solved by waiting.

Waiting, in this case, seems to be postponing what you believe to be inevitable, so perhaps you should visit why that's the case, instead of simply assuming waiting will be a panacea. (And yes, waiting might help some people, but you should analyze the WHY of this, for your specific situation, instead of assuming it can be established through statistics.)
posted by disillusioned at 9:05 AM on September 15

A week? Seriously, you two don't even know each other yet. I would say your question is somewhat misleading then, in that it reads as if a formal relationship is already in place (which it really isn't). I would say deciding to hold off on sex during the first week isn't much of a decision at all. Have you decided on a time frame, eg, we're waiting a month? Six months? Do you feel those things can realistically be decided with a person you genuinely don't even know yet?

There appears to be a lot of, I dunno, basic not knowing each other type stuff going on here, a lot of fantasy projection. Are you maybe getting ahead of yourself with this one? Of course you like him; it's only been a week and you haven't had to deal with reality yet.

Be careful. Be excited, but be aware you don't know each other yet.
posted by December at 9:13 AM on September 15 [1 favorite]

It sounds like this has introduced an interesting & beneficial dynamic into your relationship, so whatever works! I could see how waiting might make fooling around more intense not only because of the anticipation, but also because of the restraint it requires. While I haven't had the exact experience you describe, I have heard of people becoming lax once a relationship seems established, and having sex on a long-term basis could be a hallmark of that. Also, if you are enjoying the physical activity between you & there is chemistry, I think that indicates sex will be enjoyable between the two of you, so I wouldn't be too worried about that. All that said, I agree sex is an important part of a relationship. I see nothing wrong with waiting, but I think having relations before cohabitating or marrying is a good idea. Of course, your question was about statistics, and I've got nothing, other than my opinion.
posted by katemcd at 9:16 AM on September 15

I guess one of the reasons I am so concerned is because I don't want 'waiting' to become such a focus. I love sex. I would love to have sex with him. What I would love more though is to have a successful relationship with this man who really seems like a great catch. However by Not having sex, all I can think about is Not having sex. We have slept in the same bed together nearly every night since our second date. He seems so genuinely happy just to wake up next to me every morning and see me smile. He tells me this every morning. We have not gotten down each other's pants but we do kiss a lot and hold each other very tightly all night. I don't know what to make of it. I have never been in this situation before.
posted by MayNicholas at 9:25 AM on September 15

Btw... we have not been together long at all. Only a week.

OK, and how long do you mean when you say you're considering waiting a "long time"?
posted by jejune at 9:27 AM on September 15

If you've only been dating a week, is it even a relationship. Be wary of putting the cart before the horse. You need to learn more about this man, see who he is, just as he needs to learn about you.

I'd not worry so much about waiting and just avoid jumping in emotionally so fast. You are at the very beginning. Baby steps.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:30 AM on September 15

Right, I'm going to suggest two things:

1. If this is getting to be A Problem for you at some point, have a talk with him about it.

2. I recommend this book a freakin' lot, but it's the one and only "relationship advice" book I've read and not thought was utter twaddle -- If The Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl. She has a section on balancing out the whole "when should we have sex" question that you may find helpful.

Don't let the mention of the Buddha put you off, either -- yes, there are some things she says that do draw from the perspective of Buddhism, but it's not just that. It's more about learning how to be in-the-moment in a new relationship, how to handle the weird psycho voices that make you do wacky things, and how to ride out the weird urges you get -- and how to identify what it is you want (rather than reading a gabillion books that tell you what you SHOULD want because you're "from venus" or whatever) and how to be compassionate towards what your partner wants, and how to balance all of that.

I recommend that book so much I am half-afraid people are going to think I wrote it; it was invaluable for me, though. Track it down; it sounds like rather than analyzing how others do things to see if it's what you "should" be doing, you may want to reflect on your own self and see how to analyze what you want, and decide some things about that. Because there is no right or wrong with relationships, it's only "what do I need" and 'what does my partner need" and "can we balance that".

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:32 AM on September 15 [5 favorites]

Extensive research done by John Gottman and other researchers strongly indicates that relationship stability and longevity is dependent on a set of very specific things, including whether you keep connecting with each other, whether you are on the same page with how you communicate with each other, and whether or not you engage in corrosive behaviors, such as defensiveness and contempt (which are a lot more subtle than you might think).

If it's important to the two of you, and if you find it initially enables you to focus on getting to know each other better, then by all means wait, but don't make the mistake of thinking that delaying sex will carry you through many years of a relationship.

I recommend Gottman's Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work to all couples, including the bright, new, happy ones. I credit it with helping my husband and me keep our relationship strong through some pretty rough times. It applies to all relationships, not just marriage.
posted by moira at 9:32 AM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Plus sleeping in the same bed every night so fast? sounds a bit too fast for me. This is only one fish in one sea.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:32 AM on September 15

Oh, and I hate to say it, but -- if you're finding that sleeping together (in the literal sense of "sleeping") is just too hard for you, you may find that scaling back on that may be what you have to instigate.

It feels cozy and wonderful or whatever, but if it's also tying YOU up in knots, that may be a boundary you lay down ("I love sleeping in your arms, but the problem is that I keep wanting to jump your bones -- can we also hold off on that as well until we do have sex?")
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:33 AM on September 15

So it sounds like you're giving up something pleasurable and important to you. I believe that when you do something out of character for another person's sake, it's important to think about why. That being said, I think week one is way too early for that kind of reflection.

Secondly, I think you're wayyyy overthinking this. You met a nice guy, you cuddle, you're getting to know each other. Just enjoy it. Don't try to label it or look for stats or plan your future with him. That's a lot of pressure. Just enjoy it for what it is.
posted by December at 9:35 AM on September 15 [2 favorites]

Yeah. I do over analyze. That is me.
posted by MayNicholas at 9:54 AM on September 15

The only time this ever happened to me (about 6 years ago) it was either of December's reasons above (c) or (d).

He was a good-looking successful guy in the film industry, unmarried into his 40's. After we finally did have sex... something felt all wrong. It was this almost imperceptible vibe when he touched me during those most intimate of moments, ya know? And that was very strange and unexpected, because the kissing and fooling around always felt fantastic! I just didn't get it. I sorta suspected he was closeted or otherwise harboring some secret.

I can't say things ended well. No drama, but definite weirdness.

He's finally married now. I still wonder about that whole thing and what happened. I figure sooner or later I will hear he's secret gay, because I don't think anything stays totally secret in this town for long! And I do wonder about his wife. I wonder if she feels that weird thing inside of him when he touches her, or if she just doesn't notice?? Hmm.

Via contrast... I'm a happily old married lady these days. Mr. Jbenben and I waited a bit early on in our relationship to stchupp. But I knew the future Mr.Jbenben for a while before we started dating, so who and what he was inside wasn't a big mystery. I knew he was a stellar man, I knew he was into me on a profound level.

....

You asked for personal stories, and so you got two!

I think relaying them is my long way of telling you that whatever works, works! And if at any point your "gut" tells you something is "off," trust yourself.

Best.
posted by jbenben at 10:13 AM on September 15 [2 favorites]

"What I would love more though is to have a successful relationship with this man who really seems like a great catch."

That was how I felt about industry-guy. FWIW.

That was not how I felt about Mr.Jbenben. We were just enjoying ourselves too much to rush things;))
posted by jbenben at 10:19 AM on September 15

This book was recommended to me at the wrong time (when a relationship was ending) but you may find it interesting. The author has fairly strong opinions about delaying sexual intimacy, even for people who have been sexually active and does (mostly) found those opinions on studies rather that complete supposition.
posted by Kurichina at 10:25 AM on September 15

Or, I see that's been recommended already. Nevermind.
posted by Kurichina at 10:27 AM on September 15

Kurichina, I haven't read the specific book you cite, and I don't remember Gottman specifically addressing delaying sexual intimacy in Seven Principles. What is his opinion on that?
posted by moira at 10:42 AM on September 15

My now-wife and I didn't have sex until after we got married. The reality is that we could have easily had sex before and it wouldn't necessarily damaged the relationship, but it was something that was right for both of us at the time, so we talked and agreed. I think we're both glad we did that, but really, the only people you need to be concerned about are yourselves. Some people may get too caught up in the physical act of love and neglect the WORK of love...communication with and learning about another person that you're crazy about.

In my opinion, working on that communication and respect now will ease all or most of the possible sexual foibles that arise later when you do start having sex.(bad sex, different turnons, etc.) It's SO much easier to be able to say, "Can you please stop doing that?" when you have a good level of communication.
posted by specialnobodie at 11:41 AM on September 15

Not having intercourse for the first week you know each other is not some heroic feat of "holding off." If you're getting sexual together, that's fine. If you choose not to get sexual together, that's fine, too.

But refraining from intercourse seems like a pretty abitrary boundary. Does it really happen to you that intercourse changes the way you interact with a partner so dramatically in ways that, say, oral sex or manual sex don't? Because if that is the case, it might be worth taking a look at why that is.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:52 AM on September 15

I think it's totally fine to wait to have sex. Really. Make out but wait about a month.

I do understand what you are talking about. Enjoy the tension, enjoy getting to know him. Enjoy that really delicious feeling of wanting to, but waiting.

It's kind of like being a virgin - it'll never be the same. So wait for a little bit, go with the flow, see how it feels. Once you guys start doin' it, you'll never be able to go back to that wonderful anticipation of looking forward to the First Time.

I've had situations where I waited, and I really enjoyed the difference, compared to other situations where I didn´t wait.
posted by Locochona at 12:02 PM on September 15

We have slept in the same bed together nearly every night since our second date.

Jeez, sleeping in the same bed every night without having sex would be like trying to diet while working at Haagen-Dazs.

He seems so genuinely happy just to wake up next to me every morning and see me smile. He tells me this every morning. We have not gotten down each other's pants but we do kiss a lot and hold each other very tightly all night.

You're not slowing down or waiting at all, really. This is, in a way, even more intimate than sex and would emotionally derail me much faster (see oxytocin, the "cuddle chemical").
posted by desjardins at 1:59 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]

I think it will be hard to find statistics about "postponing" sex because one would have to do surveys based on many different increments of time: postponing 1 day, 1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month, three months, six months, three years, etc. It would be very, very hard to do a study on such a variable sample.

It seems the best advice is to have sex when y'all are ready, whenever that may be.

And as a side note:
Perhaps, pay attention to see if you're the only one ever initiating sex...I have a close friend that married a seemingly wonderful man (funny, charming, smart, together). After they got married, they had sex twice. TWICE! In retrospect, she realized that she had been the only one to ever initiate sex between them. After a few years (years!) they got divorced, not surprisingly (she didn't want a sexless marriage), but there was a great deal of heartache, confusion, betrayal, and feelings of self-doubt in the meantime.

Sometimes, but by no means always, people postpone sex because they have very deep, personal issues that they are afraid to talk about. Other times, people postpone sex because they like the chase. Or a myriad of other reasons. There are as many reasons to postpone sex as there are not to. The point is to communicate, and find someone who can be on the same page as you. That way, when you decide to get down and dirty (whether tomorrow, next month, or next year), it'll be free of any kind of guilt or disappointment.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 2:54 PM on September 15

I have never put off having sex with a man, but always felt like it prevented the relationship from developing. You know how when a new relationship is exciting and then once you introduce sex it becomes all about the sex and then when that thrill wears off you realize you stopped getting to know one another?

When I add in "we've been together about a week," I think this might work well for you simply because it sure seems like you rush in headfirst and then analyze later--where do you find time to just enjoy the relationship?

I'm usually a little skeptical of any artificial barriers put up in a relationship, like "no sex, but everything is okay up until penis meets vagina," but I also think you really should get to know a person a little before jumping into bed. How long really depends on the person and the relationship.

In this case, hey, you've only been going out for a little while. I'd say just enjoy things as they come.
posted by misha at 3:04 PM on September 15

You can gather all the statistics in the world but what if your case turns out to be an outlier?

Just a thought.
posted by xm at 8:58 PM on September 15