Cat, I don't like it like that.

September 12, 2009 4:04 PM

My kitten is dry nursing me at night. She won't let me pick her up or pet her during the day. What can I do to strengthen our bond while preserving my sanity?

I adopted my kitty from the local Animal Care & Control in early July. She was listed as 4 months, but the vet said she was probably closer to 9 weeks when i took her in for her first checkup. Obviously, she was taken from her mother too soon, right? The nursing behavior is something I've seen documented on various websites. I've read suggestions on forums and whatnot, but would appreciate the wisdom of Metafilter on this one. I know this behavior must provide comfort to her, but it's driving me a little nuts. I want to stop it without further alienating her from me, if possible. She doesn't seem to be growing out of it - a few months have passed and it's about the same.

I guess she probably thinks I'm her mother because of my long hair. She'll knead my neck with her paws (I started clipping her claws because this hurt). Then she'll try to get at my neck with her mouth. If I block my neck with my arm or a blanket, she'll cry pitifully, then resign herself to going away and sleeping elsewhere, or nurse/chew on my hair instead. I think she's sort of biting me a little bit, but it doesn't hurt. She also drools on my nightshirt. She doesn't nurse on my boyfriend. Presumably because he doesn't have long hair, and is away working most of the day, while I stay home?

Confusingly, or perhaps not, she doesn't like to be touched or petted during the day. She'll often rest on the floor with her paws and tail tucked under her, which looks rather defensive. If I pet her while she's napping and looking relaxed, she'll often get up and walk away. I've tried "letting her come to me" but she never has, except when she brings something for me to throw for her (yeah, she likes to fetch). It's perhaps worth noting that I do have another kitten, also adopted from AC&C, roughly her age. He's a loving little guy, though a biter/electronics cord destroyer. (Any suggestions for stopping this? Spray bottle? Bitter apple?) She calms down considerably when he comes over and starts licking her, but usually he's off sleeping at the foot of the bed, and I don't want to disturb him.

So, Metafilter, I'm asking you...what can I do? I love this cat and want her to love me, just not like this. Thanks for any suggestions!

posted by xiaolongbao to pets & animals (20 comments total)

All babies are weaned eventually. You're going to have to keep her away from you at night, or absolutely refuse to let her near your hair/neck until the behavior is broken. Some cats don't like to be petted, and maybe she's just that way, or it may be that allowing her to act out her suckling behavior is keeping her from bonding with you in other ways - whichever, you are going to have to be consistent to break the behavior.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 4:15 PM on September 12

I've heard two things:
1) this problem never goes away,
and
2) you can redirect the behavior to other objects, or even herself.
posted by brownbat at 4:18 PM on September 12

Throughout my many years of cat-cohabitation, I've learned that the more you handle them, the more they'll get used to being handled. That said, sometimes that doesn't work. Out of the 10 cats I've owned, only one hasn't been responsive to my "corporal cuddling," but even he has come around quite a bit. We have one cat right now who won't jump up on our laps but if lifted to the lap will stay there.

We also had a kitten who suckled. When it eventually hurt too much, we would distract her with other things or enforce the cuddling we preferred. To this day (she's 16 now), she licks. She licks us, she licks the other cats, she licks pictures (yeah, I don't know about that); she pretty much licks anything she can get close to. But not all the time, and we don't mind the grooming.

With the other bitey kitten, distraction, distraction, distraction. If he's biting cords, he probably wants to play. Wear him out. That will work wonders for your other kitty, too. Get one of those feathers-on-a-stick thing and they'll go NUTS. Wear them out and they'll be more cuddly and less interested in misbehaving.
posted by cooker girl at 4:23 PM on September 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Find something else for her to nurse.

My personal suggestion is a long-haired piece of sheepskin. When we took in Helmet she was about nine weeks old and she loved snuggling with, and sucking on, a little sheepskin chair-covering thing we had.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:24 PM on September 12

My cat does this. I think it's a thing cats of all ages do.
posted by Artw at 4:24 PM on September 12

As a substitute for your nice warm neck, maybe you could provide your suckler with a hot water bottle wrapped in something soft (sheepskin?) for her to lie against and nurse on.

One of my cats was separated from her mother too young (the mother was hit by a car and the kittens ended up at the SPCA). She used to nurse on my other (adult) cat, who tolerated it for six months and then started pushing the kitten away. The kitten is now 13 years old; she's never gone back to this behaviour and is a normal, affectionate cat.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 4:37 PM on September 12

My cat did this when I first brought her home (and she was very young, like yours). By coincidence one day, I wore a collared knit shirt (golf shirt). She immediately redirected from me to the collar, which was somewhat helpful. She later outgrew the whole thing, without me doing anything specific to get her to stop. But, the collared shirts saved me while waiting for her to outgrow it.

I also started giving her little saucers of milk, because I was worried that it signaled some kind of dietary need/deficiency, but later asked a vet and she said no, cats are just funny and it's not unusual for a cat who was separated from her mother at such a young age. But, it couldn't hurt -- you can get canned milk for kittens in the pet store, or just get lactose-free milk from the dairy case.
posted by Houstonian at 4:43 PM on September 12

My boy cat doesn't suckle, but he does still like to knead me, at 2 years old. However, he has learned that claws + bare human skin = pain. And he is now so nice about not doing that. He will actually extend his paws out and still flex and stretch them alternatingly as if he was kneading the air :)

My point being, don't hide your pain or discomfort from the kitty... maybe even play it up a bit. She will learn what hurts and what is cool and will probably learn to cuddle appropriately. Some rough housing with the other kitty should also teach them both that teeth and claws hurt.
posted by utsutsu at 4:49 PM on September 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

You can re-direct the nursing to your pinky finger fairly easily which is moderatley easier to deal with. She will grow out of it when she becomes more solid food oriented. Despite vets advice you will bond for life if you get a little dolls baby bottle and give her warm milk this way or an eyedropper will do too. More as a bonding gesture rather than a feeding supplement.
posted by Muirwylde at 5:56 PM on September 12

This article on Salon seems to address the biting problem kitty.
posted by JujuB at 6:04 PM on September 12

One deep night not long after I brought my too-young kitten home, I dreamed of a horrible growling monster and woke to find her nose in my earhole, loudly nursing from my tragus.

She grew out of it within a few months, but she did have a problem afterward with licking things too much. When she came home with a Brazilian bikini wax after being spayed, she overgroomed and kept her belly bald for a while. She would also go into a lazy sort of licky fugue state when she was half asleep, and would wet-rasp her bed (or mine) or whatever she was lying on.

She is a fine, well-socialized adult now, who still fetches, has all her fur, and has no bad habits to speak of.
posted by Sallyfur at 6:13 PM on September 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

My two cats were very needy when they were younger, and I bought them a faux fur throw to redirect their attention - I think it was from overstock.com. They particularly love it when they can knead the throw when is covering either my boyfriend or me, but also use it when it's sitting on the couch alone. The faux fur has definitely helped them to have some happy kneading time without hurting us with their claws.

Regarding the petting/bonding issue, one of my kittens was the much more tractable when it came to being held and petted than the other when they were younger, but after about two years the shy kitten will come up onto my lap and demand pets more often than the more outgoing kitten. Basically, give it time and reinforce good behavior while gently redirecting negative habits. Good luck!
posted by macska at 6:18 PM on September 12

My boy, Bug, has the kneading/nursing thing and the biting/eating power cords thing going on. He's about a year old now, though I've had him only since January.

I haven't attempted to stop the kneading/nursing thing. He chooses to do it in the morning and will wait until I move a blanket over any bare skin (if I move too slow, he pushes the blanket with his nose until I get the message). To me, this is bonding time and I'll pet his back and ears as if I'm Momma Cat, cleaning him. (In other words: I have no advice for you on the nursing habit).

The biting/eating power cords, though, had to stop. I've tried a couple of things.

(1) I painted all of the cords with that bitter tasting stuff that's used to get kids to stop biting their nails or sucking their thumbs. He still chewed on his "favorite" cord: my iPhone power cord.
(2) I've used electrical tape to tape cords to the walls or along the wall and floor joint. (Especially the tv/dvd/wii cords).
(3) I've hidden all the other cords (such as those on my desk like the iPhone power cord and Shuffle syncing/power cord) under a kitchen towel. It isn't the prettiest solution, but "out of sight, out of mind" really applies here.

Bug also gets overly excited and bites me when we play. When he does that, I loudly say "OW!", then disengage and stop playing with him. He hates that and will usually come try to 'apologize' by head butting my leg.

Good luck with the little ones.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 6:42 PM on September 12

One of my cats does that too, and I found this cat pacifier when I was trying to figure out how to fix it. I didn't get it though. I just deal with her "making biscuits" on my tummy once or twice a week. It's weird. My other cat does the same thing, but only on a fleece blanket. You might be able to re-direct your cat to nurse a blanket instead.

The paws tucked under pose probably isn't defensive. Most cats sit like that.

I agree that to get a cuddly cat, you need to cuddle your cat. My cats have been snuggled vigorously since they were kittens, and are pretty tolerant as a result.
posted by apricot at 7:35 PM on September 12

Resting with her tail tucked under her is definitely a defensive pose. Resting with her paws tucked and tail tight against her body (I think of this as Fat Turkey Pose) isn't necessarily a tense position for a cat. Is there a possibility she's doing the one, rather than the other? Here's a web site with lots of illustrated cat body language. It will really help you to know what's going on in her little kitty head.

Is she skittish, or just stand-offish? Does she start at noises and unexpected movements? Does she slink around and exhibit defensive posture?

Directly approaching her to pet her doesn't sound like your best option at this point. Take advantage of your other interactions with her to ease her into it. Talk to her when she's around. Yawn and slow-blink at her when she's near or watching. Give her treats regularly: sit on the floor and take your time giving them to her, one at a time. You'll be helping her make an association between extended contact with you and Yummy Stuff. When she's comfortable, pet her just a little bit when you're giving her treats, and gradually build up to more petting. You might even make a habit of keeping some treats on you at all times, and dropping one on occasion if she approaches you, or when you approach her. The key is that she consider all interaction with you, safe, pleasant, and on her terms. Be patient, keep working at it.

Avoid any prolonged, direct eye contact, and disengage as soon as she makes it known that she doesn't like what you're doing (pulling away and ducking are the most obvious signs). I strongly advise against forcing any kind of contact on her. It will hurt your case, not help it.

If she's skittish, it's a bit more involved than that, and you'll want to take a close look at environmental stressors as well. Here's a thread that deals a bit with skittish cats. It may not completely apply here, but there are some good tips in there about connecting with your kitty if your kitty isn't all hot on connecting with you.
posted by moira at 8:14 PM on September 12 [2 favorites has favorites]

Oh, I forgot to mention: I've also had a suckling cat. He'd curl up on my neck and suck on my earlobe at night. When it became uncomfortable, I started hiding my neck and ears under the blankets. He was bummed for a little while, but got over it pretty quickly.

Don't worry about the suckling being your only opportunity to bond. You'll have a gazillion other ways to connect with her. It's just going to take some time.
posted by moira at 8:20 PM on September 12

It may be a little late, but these things SAVED our skin from loving claws!

http://www.softpaws.com/

they are like little rubber covers that you glue on the kitty's nails. They usually last about a month, and they cost 20 dollars (for 40 nails). It looks silly, but I swear they work, my kitty kneads us to her heart's content, and all we feel is a gentle massage! They have them in colors and transparent ones, too. They are also a must if you, like us, have leather furniture.

They are recommended only for indoor cats, because outdoor kitties need their claws for their adventures!
posted by Tarumba at 8:34 PM on September 12

Give her a few more months? Mine did this for a bit, the nursing and the avoidant behavior. Now he's a total sweetheart (if you don't touch his sides). He just stopped at some point, there wasn't anything to be done, as far as I remember.
posted by unknowncommand at 1:16 AM on September 13

you can buy these cord protectors at any office supply store.
posted by desjardins at 8:11 AM on September 14

Lots of good answers here. I'll come back and mark best when I have the chance to try them out. Thanks, all!
posted by xiaolongbao at 3:31 PM on September 14